http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/donnyfox
I normally don't write shit with this kind of vibe, but I felt like it'd work. There's a lot of story that I plan to fill in later on.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/donnyfox
I normally don't write shit with this kind of vibe, but I felt like it'd work. There's a lot of story that I plan to fill in later on.
with many photos revealing the removal of human ears and the surgical grafting of what appeared to be cat whiskers and cat ears on children as young as six.
Immediately, I’m intrigued and horrified.
Diaz noted that multiple vehicles were staking out his home in North Phoenix.
I personally disagree with the usage of ‘staking out’ here. Feels unclinical…though admittedly, with the format you’re going for here, I’m not sure if clinical tone matters all that much.
due to the suspect's rate of speed
‘rate of speed’ is weird. I think ‘high speeds’ would work well here.
and "the chance of a collision injuring or killing bystanders".
Not sure why this needs to be quoted.
The caller described a gun battle between themselves and an individual who fled after the father and son duo returned fire.
Wouldn’t ‘firefight’ be better than ‘gun battle’s
Harlow would observe multiple comings and goings from the home.
‘Harlow would observe witnesses entering and exiting the home.’ Would be better. I think.
However, despite her best efforts she could not observe any sign of children on the property.
Comma after ‘efforts’
"Me and the boys standing up to the roastie menace and being based."
sigh
Thanks, I hate it 🤣
An accidental send from an unencrypted app
Disagree with ‘accidental send’
Perhaps ‘leaked message’?
while another video revealed an escape attempt where Doughrety, dressed in an anime maid dress strangled one of the children in front of the others to use them as an example for others considering escape.
Comma after ‘dress’
Also, holy fuckshit.
The shotgun goes off and Southern kicks it in.
It took me a few reads for me to realize that you meant the shotgun shoots the lock open and the other person kicks the door open. That description requires a slight edit to make that more clear.
I thought Southern kicked the shotgun for some reason.
Royce: You fokken sure?!
I get you were going for an accent here, but I find it hard to believe that an official transcript would type ‘fucking’ as ‘fokken’ here.
The room is a messy kitchen, with blood and dried semen on the floor.]
Good god.
Royce: Prisent.
…present with an accent?
Royce aims the barrel of his SA58 down the stairs blindfires it.
and blindfires it.*
Doughrety: You're not taking them from me! They're my kittens! Not yours!
Ugh. Gross.
[The SCAR-17 is has a round in it, its reciprocating charging handle shot.]
You accidentallied a word or two here.
Inside the room, the occupant that had run out, Kara Moriarty fires at the door.
Comma after Kara Moriarty.
Moriarty: I'm getting back to them. They can't live without their mommy.
This has me interested in KK. They’re one fucked up group.
Aiden: Please, please don't hurt me! Owo, I'll do anything, I'll lick the lollipop, I won't cry when they put the animal parts on me!
Extra ew.
Briar: Another word comes out of your mouth and I put one in your face, I swear to fucking god.
Doing a really good job at humanizing the Authority and making me hate the KK members.
Emily: Can we get ice cream after this?
I understand what you’re going for here, but after everything they’ve been through, I’m not sure a child would be asking for this. Probably would cry begging for their parents, if anything. Or just still be hysterical at having lost their ears and having animal ears grafted to them.
The scene with Authority personnel refusing a lawyer and commuting blatant manslaughter shows how powerful they are. Jesus Christ. I’m fucking shocked at how potent this scene is.
// Alpha-03 would jot down multiple passcodes and passwords from here as Doughrety would confess to numerous crimes ranging from murder to the kidnapping of nearly 90 children over the span of four years. //
Gotta format this line.
Doughrety: Wait, I can connect you to the guy who sold us the shit! He's government, just like you!
[Diaz checks his 12 gauge for a round, then aims it at Doughrety's face.]
Diaz: Nah.
While I absolutely fucking love this part, I feel like killing someone who could still be of some use (more use, use as a mole, maybe even a canary of some kind idk) would probably be regrettable in a way. I don’t know.
Either way…powerful.
And damn satisfying.
and all members were reprimanded and written up for excessive use of force against potentially useful CSDs.
Welp. You already covered what I was thinking.
Feels damn good seeing pedophiles be tortured and killed. If only we could do that elsewhere…
All in all…damn good piece. I’m impressed. Not much else to say.
In one picture of Doughrety standing with a group of anime crossdressers in suggestive poses titled "Me and the boys standing up to the roastie menace and being based."
This sentence looks to be incomplete.
POLICE GET ON THE GROUND, DO IT NOW! DROPYOURWEAPONS!PUTTHEFUCKINGGUNDOWN!
Not necessarily a grammatical nitpick, but this style of writing comes off as more humorous than intense to me. It appears at least one more time later on.
One in a plate carrier, blue wig, and anime dress(Later identified as Theodore Hall) looks up at Briar.
Missing space before the opening parenthesis. Also, I wouldn't capitalize "Later".
GO TO HELL ZOGBOT!
Missing comma. I know. There are some instances like this where I think that punctuation was included or removed so as to emphasize how a character is speaking, but it just looks rough and awkward to me.
Briar:(From radio):
TOC(from radio):
Neither of these look right. I would do the latter, but with a space before the parenthesis.
The group stop as Doughrety fires more rounds up the stairs away from them.
Should be "the group stops".
Kardowski nods to Briar and kicks the door down and a shotgun attached to a tripwire goes off, with Kardowski letting off a pained scream.
This should probably be two sentences. I would replace the second "and" with a period.
Briar:(muttering)
Diaz(In a soft voice):
Aidan(in a muffled voice hugging Diaz):
These also don't look right.
Diaz would bring the child to a waiting Arizona State Trooper, (identified as Trooper Brown) outside then return.
Misplaced comma, should be after "outside".
I can tell you the passcodes of all the phones in the house, just please I'll take jail over this!
Here's another instance of odd "dialogue punctuation". I'm not opposed to this, but the way it's done here just seems shoddy.
Okay, so, collecting thoughts:
I think this is good, but it would be better if it was more of a tale and less of a log. There's parts were the limitations of the log format clash heavily with what you had in mind- like trying to fit a big cake into a muffin pan.
This is more obvious in the logs under the collapsibles. First I would put them in a quotebox themselves so they're more separate from everything else, but I think it'd be stronger if they were more like third-person tales. The way these logs are formatting can kinda cause your eyes to glaze over as you read.
And on a more personal note, I also glazed over parts because I really didn't want to read some more explicit sections. You don't really leave much to the imagination, which some people praise but I think makes the article weaker. It comes across as edgy, but I guess edgy can be appealing.
I think merging some sections would be better. Some divisions between collapsibles look almost arbitrary, so combining them could be best.
As for how to transfer into a more tale-like format, I would actually recommend breaking the format to include them. Just a thought.
Overall, it works as is, I guess.. Just not for me.
A couple criticisms. I think the raid is very good but the final section where they’re interrogating him wouldn’t really have them kill all 3 remaining PoIs. (Persons of interest) as an aside I’d also say the people taken in would be called PoIs, not CSDs. While they’re monsters, they’re important enough to keep them alive until they spill everything they know. I’d do more… Guantanamo style tactics tbh.
Also, remove the one kid saying Owo. I know you’re trying to express how much they’ve brainwashed the children but I think the other lines do that, without detracting from the experience.
other than that I’d just say the log preceeding the raid could use a little work, I think the line “using a combination of his authority and police contacts” was a little distracting in particular.
Overall, this is still stellar, 4/5 at least.