RPC-XXX: Mermen
RPC-XXX: Mermen
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» RPC-XXX: Mermen
Summary:
Insert Ben Stiller quote from Zoolander.
But um...yeah....it's a KK article, so needless to say it's a little fucked up.
Any encountered wild instances of RPC-XXX is to be neutralised on sight and the remains to be disposed of according to the standard anomaly neutralisation protocol.
"Any encountered wild instances of RPC-XXX are to be neutralised on sight" also possibly "the remains are to be disposed of" but that might be a grammar thing I'm not aware of
Individual instances differentiate in minor physical properties, but all instances share the common attributes of possessing a thick leathery epidermis with a beige skin pigmentation correlating with Caucasian/Asian skin tons in varying shades, the lower half of the body anatomically homogeneous to a muscular human male, and the upper half of the body similar in proportion and structure to that of a Bottlenose Dolphin, though lacking pectoral fins.
recommend splitting this sentence into two
counterbalancing balancing
dupe word
The forebrain, which seems to replace the melon of a typical cetacean mammal.
fragment
RPC-XXX have proven to be highly intelligent, capable of complex communications through use of drawing symbols and are able to write in English, Japanese and Korean, while using tools with their mouths and dexterous toes.
I find it odd tthat RPC-XXX are described as intelligent when, going through the containment procedures, the Authority seems to treat them more like children or pets.
While in most male subjects this defensive/offensive mechanism is mainly a form of a telekinetic attack, around 10-15% of cases in male subjects and 100% of female subjects who have been exposed to these waves undergo an extreme psychological fluctuation.
it strikes me as odd that their means of defense also cause people to want to fuck them. it seems a little ass-backwards. I'm not asking you to change it, I'm just curious about why you made it that way.
Addendum-01
I've been holding my tongue on the particular ways in which this article has made me uncomfortable because I can see why they were included, but I don't understand this. It feels shocking for the sake of it, and while it does serve as a demonstration of the anomaly's abilities and the effects of an overdose, I don't think such a demonstration is needed.
nothing I haven't seen before, especially from Kabushiki Kawaii, but it's competent. but a lot of it might be my personal preference, as "thing that is weird and creepy because it's defective" is inherently uninteresting to me.
Thank you for the crit, and I've corrected the mistakes you mentioned.
In the case of it making you feel uncomfortable…that is sorta supposed to be the point? XD
It is a KK article after all, but more focused on the corrupt and inhuman practices rather than weird fetish porn (despite the entity being the result of fetish porn)
Perhaps what I should do is maybe a note from Dr. Criswell describing his concern for these creatures being able to breed.
The interviews was more-or-less supposed to clear a lot of the questions up. If you didn't think the interviews explain much, do you recommend I added more to them?
RPC-XXX are to be provided with appropriate food and stimuli1 to keep RPC-XXX fed and occupied.
RPC-X instances are to be provided appropriate food and stimuli to keep them fed and occupied.
Containment unit is to be cleaned bi-weekly and in-chamber toilets to be maintained.
The containment unit is to be cleaned bi-weekly and the in-chamber toilets to be maintained.
area is the be cleaned thoroughly
must be cleaned
have also been resided
have also resided
Any witnesses of RPC-XXX
Civilian witnesses of RPC-XXX
are to be giving Class-G amnestics.
given
RPC-XXX are a genetically engineered species of bipedal mammalian hybrids of Homo sapiens and Tursiops truncatus
RPC-XXX is a genetically engineered species of bipedal mammalian hybrid between Homo sapiens and Tursiops truncatus
Individual instances differentiate in minor physical properties, but all instances share the common attributes of possessing a thick leathery epidermis with a beige skin pigmentation correlating with Caucasian/Asian skin tons in varying shades.
Individual instances differ in minor physical properties, but they all have a thick, leathery epidermis with beige skin pigmentation that corresponds to Caucasian or Asian skin tones in varying shades.
Will be back l8r
PART 1: CONTAINMENT PROTOCOLS
Female staff are restricted from entering RPC-XXX's containment unit at all times.
You should elaborate on this to monitor the area in case any female staff are behaving suspiciously in close proximity to the cell; I suggest detainment, interrogation and amnestics if that eliminates any effect.
1. This consists of soft play toys, reading books, puzzle books and television access with restricted channels that are deemed "inappropriate" by on-site overseer Dr. Criswell.
The wording here is a bit confusing. "…restricted television access with pre-selected channels approved by on-site overseer Dr. Chriswell." might sound better.
Containment unit is to be cleaned bi-weekly
THE containment unit
Any waste material found outside of the designated toilet area is the be cleaned thoroughly.
The first "bi-weekly" sentence already implies this. You can merge these two sentences as such: "The containment unit is to be thoroughly cleaned bi-weekly"/
Any aggressive behaviour of an RPC-XXX instance is to be countered immediately with nerve agents
You should probably specify the form of the nerve agent used. Vented gas? Hand-held gas, pepperspray style? Tranq darts?
removal of the recreational amenities as punishment.
You should specify a duration, or if the instances (especially the offending one) can be made to do some sort of self-recognizing apology to reinstate amenities/privileges.
neutralised on sight
NoS immediately? Pretty harsh IMO but if it's gotta be done…
Any witnesses of RPC-XXX ACTIVITY or the termination of RPC-XXX are to be giving Class-G amnestics.
PART 2: DESCRIPTION
FIRST PARAGRAPH
RPC-XXX are a genetically(-) engineered species OF bipedal mammalian hybrids OF Homo sapiens and Tursiops truncatus2.
Missing hyphen aside you repeated 'of' twice here in short order - while not grammatically wrong it can read a bit weird. Reword the sentence to remove one of them. My suggestion is: "RPC-XXX are a genetically-engineered species of bipedal mammalianS, HYBRIDIZED BETWEEN Homo sapiens and Tursiops truncatus2."
Individual instances MAY differentiate in minor physical properties, but all
'but' in this context needs a lead-up to it. It's like saying "and spoon" without the "fork". Alternatively, you can put "While…" as the first word, and remove "but".
The lower half of the body IS anatomically homogeneous to a muscular human male
Missed a word.
similar in proportion and structure to that of a Bottlenose Dolphin, though lacking SANS pectoral fins.
SMALL PARAGRAPHS 2 TO 5
The forebrain seems to replace the melon3 of a typical cetacean mammal. Instead of echolocation, this organ seems to be the reason behind RPC-XXX's anomalous psychokinetic abilities. Internally, while the bone structure of RPC-XXX instances seem consistent
"seem" is very informal/layperson wording. Change them to more clinical wording: "appears to" for the first, "is likely the reason" for the second.
but MORPHOLOGICALLY altered in such a way to remain functional with this skeletal structure.
Don't forget to include the occasional complex clinical word that also fits the context.
by their initial creators
"Initial" sounds like more than one group worked on them. Delete it.
A Japanese-based Group of Interest that is currently under RPC Authority Investigation, that deals DEALING in the underground manufacturing and selling of Genetically Engineered Lifeforms, primarily for the sex trade or slave trafficking purposes.
"Investigation" (unnecessary capitalization included) sounds like the group was just discovered and is being, well, investigated. Change it to "surveillance"
leading geneticist of Kabushiki Kawaii
"Leading" is really high up there if not THE top position, I would suggest to downrank it to "high-ranking"
PARAGRAPH 6 ONWARDS
Dextrous, not 'dexterous'.
However RPC-XXX instances seem to be incapable of human speech,
appear incapable of human speech (mention vocalizations too)
This renders the actions or OF RPC-XXX as highly unpredictable due to their mental instability.
frequently fornicating when isolated
How does one fornicate when isolated, which implies being alone? Do you mean masturbate? What does this imply for the 4 instances contained together, do they have sex with each other? I kinda doubt it given the attraction for females, but yeah this needs fixing.
most esoteric form
Not… exactly correct. You mean "RPC-XXX's anomalous form of attack"?
Part 3 to come later.
PART 3: INTERVIEWS AND ADDENDUMS
Mr. Toshi ████████ was apprehended by MST Alpha-21 after…
As discussed on Discord… 1) It's Dr. Toshi, not Mr. Toshi, and 2) You can't just say he's a high-ranking KK employee then have him nonchalantly caught. KK buses and hides their high-ranking employees very well; Surgeons who can AND are willing to graft captured little children into "kemonomimis" don't exactly grow on trees, you know. At barest minimum it should be mentioned that he was caught after X months in a sting operation, to allude to the difficulty of nabbing someone high up in KK, or even the possibility of Dr. Toshi being betrayed from within due to KK office/power politics.
may have been the creator
Quite vague to call someone as a 'creator' - who brainstormed the idea? Who was the chief surgeon? Who planned it all out? Projects like these usually don't exactly have one mastermind behind all the underworkings. Suggest to give him a more specific role in the process.
UPDATE: Having read the below passage, change it to "claims to have been the creator/mastermind" for precision-of-context's sake
Mr. Toshi managed to convince the RPC Authority into granting him a plea bargain
Dr., and also this is weirdly worded. You make it sound as if he's talking to THE entire organization, rather than his interrogators. Change to something more localized, like "managed to convince Authority interviewers".
I'm pretty fluent in English.
Sounds too informal/casual/kiddy for a high-up old man from Japan to say. Change to "I am fluent in English".
We're an international company, after all.
This sounds weird, as if insinuating everyone in KK needs to know english. Can be omitted without sacrificing any quality in the article.
there was a major fuck up.
Some jackass team leader
Hell if I know!
desperate fuckers
And it fucking worked.
Hey, fuck you!
lock up monsters and shit in little metal boxes
Don't sit on your fucking high-horse and lecture me with this shit! Fuck you!
Wait, what the fuck?
Okay, here is easily THE biggest hangup I have with your draft: You have portrayed an elderly Japanese man, who I presume is about in his 60s at earliest judging by his photo, with the mouth of an American boomer who served in the navy during 'Nam. Post-war Japanese culture is not known for vulgarity or offensiveness, and this includes the very language itself. Even if he is speaking in english, Dr. Toshi would be carrying Japanese mannerisms into the way he talks, which, again, sounds nothing like aforementioned American Boomer. There should be a touch of restraint/stoicness and a little bit of grammatical stiffness in his tone (I am, instead of I'm).
I may have to help you out with rewriting his entire personality and dialogue.
<pause before softly chuckling>
Suggest to change to <Pause, softly chuckles>
NEW QUESTION: How exactly did the programme allow several of these mermen to be made even though they were clearly presenting a completely wrong appearance? The legs would have been immediately noticeable even as embryos, and a LOT had to have been done to allow them to come to life and grow to adulthood.
POI-1353t
You put in a 't' by accident. Alternatively you can replace this with a 'she' since the paragraph clearly talks only about this one lady and not another.
The advertisment blurb is decent, methinks you should include a tiny disclaimer in small text on how KK is not responsible for maintenance fees (since this original merman design clearly needs water to thrive in), OR promotional "order early and receive this as well" offers as well.
FINAL THOUGHTS TO COME
Final thoughts
My praises for you: You've taken a very simple premise and ran with it to make a VERY fitting article for this particular GoI. This is classic Kabushi Kawaii, and bonus points: NOT done in a way that spirals out of control into a 'tonight's episode: THE WRITER'S BARELY-DISGUISED FETISH' article that some other KK-centric RPCs have become notoriously known for.
You've also presented some very intriguing ideas that KK would quite possibly use: mental control over its 'products' - in this case sub-audible sonic cues dog-whistle style, as well as engineered infertility that is definitely a likelihood to consider. You should mention these ideas in KK's lore discussion channel.
My criticisms for you: This is a diamond in the rough, and by 'rough' oh boy do I mean is it rough. Too many grammatical flubs to the point that it can't be ignored, a few 'wait, hangon' lapses of logic/common sense (no checkpoint systems, the defects not being detected during gestation) and Dr. Toshi's very un-Japanese-y mannerisms.
It will need a bit of elbow grease, but I will happily walk you through fixing up the entire article to make it way more presentable.
3.2/5 in its current form, 4.6/5 once sufficiently tidied up.
hi
the way i break up paragraphs is how i think u should too
my first thought would be to switch the locations of the two photos, the second photo with the mermen standing in the cell is a lot more eye catching and would do better at the top versus the one focused on the eyes
also put a line break between the header and the actual body like between conprocs and the text
Object Class: Beta-orange
Beta-Orange, capitalize both
Fig. 1: Close-up of RPC-XXX/2's head profile. Note the small human eye.
we can see the human eye dont point it out that ruins the effect
Female staff are restricted from entering RPC-XXX's containment unit at all times. remove line break here Any female staff seen attempting to enter RPC-XXX's containment unit or showing suspicious behaviour in regards to RPC-XXX, such as frequently coming into close proximity to the containment unit or constant talk about RPC-XXX instances, are to be detained, interrogated and given Class-C amnestics if a growing obsession over the RPC-XXX instances have has become evident.
VERY strong hook here
RPC-X instances are to be provided appropriate food and stimuli1 to keep them fed and occupied.
The containment unit is to be thoroughly cleaned bi-weekly and in-chamber toilets to be maintained. All maintenance staff are instructed not to engage in any communication attempt with RPC-XXX.
Any aggressive behaviour of an RPC-XXX instance is to be countered immediately with nerve gas to sedate all contained RPC-XXX specimens, and removal of recreational amenities as punishment. A week of good behaviour prior to punishment will be rewarded with the return of the aforementioned amenities.
If an RPC-XXX instance displays aggressive behavior, nerve gas is to be distributed to sedate all contained instances, in addition to the removal of any recreational amenities, which may be returned as a reward for good behavior at the discretion of the Research Lead.
Wild Uncontained instances of RPC-XXX are currently being tracked by MST Unit Hotel-11 "Karasu" within various precincts of downtown Tokyo, although RPC-XXX instances have also resided outside of the city in Mikurashima and the further [REDACTED] regions.
MST Hotel-11 "Karasu" are currently tracking uncontained RPC-XXX instances throughout Tokyo and the surrounding regions. Entities have been reported outside of the city within Mikurashima and [REDACTED].
Any encountered wild instances of RPC-XXX are to be neutralised on sight and the remains are to be disposed of according to the standard anomaly neutralisation protocol.
Civilian witnesses of RPC-XXX activity or the termination of RPC-XXX are to be given Class-G amnestics.
Uncontained instances are to be neutralized on sight and the remains disposed of, and any civilian witnesses must be administered amnestics.
You specify G-class but I would just say "amnestics" since really any kind would work here. is there a reason it has to be g class? if not…
okay please properly break up your paragraphs like u need to hit enter twice
…and the upper half of the body is similar in proportion…
It has been suggested that RPC-XXX's current appearance has been regarded as a 'mistake' by their creators, 'Kabushiki Kawaii', as gathered through interviews with RPC-XXX's alleged creator and high-ranking geneticist of Kabushiki Kawaii, Dr. Toshi ████████.
According to Mr. Toshi, RPC-XXX specimens were created as male escorts, primarily to be sold to female clients of the aforementioned GoI. But evidentially it would appear that the RPC-XXX at some point developed significant self-awareness that proved enough to attempt and succeed escape from their creators/captors, and were set loose onto KK's base of operations, [REDACTED], Tokyo.
This section is explicitly something that we should learn from the interviews. There is no reason for you to tell us here, especially since it doesn't fit with the surrounding text. Please cut it.
The paragraphs after I spoke about over discord.
If this helps getting rid of this whole mess, I'll tell you all I know.
If it gets rid of this whole mess…
Umm…I forget.
This is an older man, the line "Umm…" makes him sound like a teenager imo. also consider that something is transcribing this- would they put down "umm"?
What they do with our products is of no concern to us once they're they've left, as long as they don't leave a messy impression on the public Is any of this going to get to the public?. So anyway,But back to the concept.
As an aside, I actually really enjoy these interviews. It's honestly kind of funny and at first I didn't like it, but it grew on me with the whole "woops" part of it.
Sorry to keep you waiting, I promise I won't make thistake long.
Regarding the discovery of RPC-XXX's possible ability to successfully breed with human females, containment research protocols are currently being revised.
Wasn't the whole "impregnation" thing a lie to get him to talk? And didn't he say they were sterile? If it wasn't a lie, why are we told this here, and why would this change containment protocols?
While the original ad was taken down prior to RPC-XXX's manufacturing 'failure'
…taken down due to…
/forum/t-14485261/rpc-xxx:mermen#post-
