GRPC Alien Entry: The Kymenna

Summary:

Another moth-related article.

GRPC Alien Entry: The Kymenna

(account deleted) 10 Feb 2022 15:00

Start here.

thank chooo

Re: GRPC Alien Entry: The Kymenna Crit

Mr Makor 10 Feb 2022 22:09

[+] Crit.

——
Kymenna, simply referred to as
To
Kymenna, commonly referred to as

Reason: Proper synonym

——
insectoid species located within the Rosette Nebula of the Monoceros constellation.
To
insectoid species originating from the Rosette Nebula *which resides in the outer rim* of the Monoceros constellation.

Reason: Original sentence makes it seem like Kymen can only be found in the Rosette Nebula. Specify the Nebula sits on the outer rim of Monoceros area, not in it.

——
The average Kymen stands upright at an average height of approx. 3 meters, with dimorphism having little to no effect on size.
To
When upright, the average Kymen has an average height of 3 meters. Dimorphism between sexes is negligible, with no identifiable impact on size.

Reason: Clinical tone change, denote that the Kymen does not stand upright.

——
with a wingspan of up to 5 meters and capable of short bursts of flight.
To
with a wingspan that can reach up to 5 meters, capable of sustaining flight in short bursts.

Reason: Clear sentence flow

——
their muscles when in extreme duress, Kymen have no restrictions when their muscles are engaged.
To
their muscles when under extreme duress, Kymen have no such limitations.

Reason: Proper synonym

——
While this allows for incredible feats of strength, this also means that the Kymen has to consciously limit themselves to prevent their muscles from shattering their bones or being violently ripped apart, as seen with humans when under the effects of epinephrine¹.
To
While this allows for incredible feats of strength, Kymen are more susceptible to rapid Musculoskeletal deterioration and Rhabdomyolysis. This state is not dissimilar to humans when under the effects of epinephrine². To prolong their body, Kymen must make a conscious effort to limit their exerted force.

Reason: Run on sentence needs to be broken up and clinical tone change.

——
possess an incredibly durable exoskeleton capable of enduring high-pressure and low-pressure environments, comprised
To
possesses an incredibly durable exoskeleton capable of enduring atmospheric pressures ranging from [unit] to [unit]. Comprised

Reason: Medical tone, you should explain the exact atmospheric pressure it can take. Also, run on sentence, proper place to end it.

——
extensive genetic modification, although
To
extensive genetic modification. However

Reason: Proper place to end the sentence.

——

achieved, not only due to the fact that such a modification would be practically impossible to perform even with incredibly advanced technology but also because Kymen do not appear to have any genetic manipulation technology more advanced than what is available to the GRPC. In addition, the genetic tech that such a process would require would surely be used to lengthen their fairly brief lifespan of 30 to 40 years of age.
To
achieved. While some researchers suggest the procedure was done deliberately by ancient Kymen, some factors suggest the gene editing was preformed by external forces. To date, no Kymen gene manipulation technology has been uncovered capable of reproducing the effect. In addition, the genetic alternation did more to harm Kymen life expectancy and accelerate musculoskeletal decay.

Reason: Run on sentence needs to be broken up. Conclusions that the editing was done by external forces was jumped too, suggest editing to be more in clinical tone / hypothetical.

——
an "outer jaw," and
To
an "outer jaw" and

Reason: Comma not required

——
this aspect of Kymen biology.
To
this astronomical genetic coincidences.

Emphasis just how rare this coincidence is.

——
Beyond this, there are several other disturbing similarities between Kymen and Human physiology, most of which cannot be disclosed in this document.
To
[Remove]

Reason: If there’s a big secret, why would the GRPC hint at it if they don’t want to disclose the information?

——
The "Queshir System" is a Kymen-developed device that utilizes a currently unknown process where particles with a poorly understood composition are converted into "hard light" through electromagnetic impulses.
To
The "Queshir System" is a Kymen-developed electromagnetic pulse device that can manipulate anomalous gas like photon particles into "hard light".

Reason: Process is known and we know the composition of photons / light particles (electromagnetic radiation) even if they are gas like. Specify more as to why the electromagnetic pulse device is not understood. Also elaborate as to what gas photons are on an atomic scale.

——
powered by fuel cells that only the Kymen possess and sell. However, only Queshir Systems that are sold to non-Kymen require these cells. Systems utilized by Kymenna have no need to "refuel".
To
[Rephrase]

Reason: This entire segment is confusing. Elaborate on what these fuel cells are, why their tech doesn’t need them, and why they sell tech that does need them to other aliens.

——
hard light" (A misnomer. Once the particles condense, they are a solid.) to vibrate at a high frequency.
To
[Rephrase]

Reason: I’m not sure what this segment is saying. Is it a misnomer because it’s not a a hard solid?

——
of "shattering stars".
To
of “shattering stars.”

Reason: Proper period placement

——
existing records, as if they are accurate, then the Kymen would have
To
existing records, if they are accurate,suggest the Kymen have

Reason: Proper grammar, if they did then they “have”

——
the "Grand Pacification", a
To
the "Grand Pacification,” a

Reason: Proper punctuation

——
autocracy collapsed and the
To
autocracy collapsed, and the

Reason: Proper punctuation

——
disarmed themselves, and the
To
disarmed themselves. The

Reason: Break up the sentence

——
Terms such as "war" simply do not exist in any Kymennic language
To
Terms such as "war" were removed from the Kymennic language,

Reason: “Simply” is not clinical tone and proper comma placement

——
due to a "treaty".
To
due to a "treaty."

Reason: Proper period placement

——
Language as well is wildly
To
Language is wildly

Reason: Extra wording was not required

——
Kymen are actually fostered
To
Kymen are fostered

Reason: Extra wording and not clinical tone

——
understood, as what little is know is
To
understood. What little is know suggests

Reason: Proper place to end sentence, helps with flow

——
voted into power, or
To
voted into power or

Reason: Comma not required

——
The Body," a confederation that encompasses the entire
To
The Body," a confederation encompassing the entire

Reason: Proper grammar

——
homeworld of the Kymen and
To
homeworld of the Kymen, and

Reason: Proper comma placement

——
it occupies is forbidden
To
it occupies, is forbidden

Reason: Missing comma

——

Took me a while, I wasn’t able to get everything but my main crit is just a general clean up of grammar and tone.

Footnotes

1. Commonly referred to as adrenaline.

2. Commonly referred to as adrenaline.

Last edited on 10 Feb 2022 22:12 by Mr Makor Show more

Re: GRPC Alien Entry: The Kymenna Crit Number Two Electric Boogaloo

Astromad 21 Feb 2022 06:06

From what I have seen after a brief but in-depth skim of the article, it looks very well written, with a few nitpicks here and there, such as the numerous run-on sentences found throughout the article and the use of commas where a colon or period would suffice. Overall, good job.

Now for a more in-depth look into the critiques: 

- Some of the wording in the article seems awkward to read as a reader, and maybe this is because of my pea-brain, but I have never seen the word "duress" before. Distress, of course, but never duress. I would change some of the vocabulary to maintain that professional and clinical tone, but enough for the reader to understand some of the wordage within the article.

- Do not use slang such as "tech" within these articles that are written from the perspective of an expert in the field, as it ruins the professionalism and clinical tone that RPC articles are known for. Instead, use the full word "technology." 

Diverse and educated vocabulary is important, but when you start adding in words that the common reader does not understand, it makes it harder for the person viewing the article to fully appreciate your work.

- Maybe I'm not fully understanding your use of the word, but why is "meme" in the official documentation of an alien civilization?

- Some of the sentences include capitalization where it does not belong; come on, this is basic grammar. 

Overall, good job. I'm not the best at critiquing articles, but I tried. Source: I'm a AP English IIII student, trust me bro.