RPC-XXX: Heroes of Justice™
RPC-XXX: Heroes of Justice™
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» RPC-XXX: Heroes of Justice™
Summary:
Do you feel like a hero yet?
(this is a pretty short one, but I'm hoping for the best. Maybe even make a tale out of this versus RPC-237)
Okay, big thing jumped out at me here. Pre-pubescent CSD. Nope. No way. No way the Authority in any capacity would employ CSD children. The whole point is their disposeable, and I cannot in any reality imagine the Authority's ethics committee being okay with that. If this thing has to be tested on children, find another way to do it that doesn't imply the Authority is kidnapping and amnesticizing kids.
I think as-is, this is fundamentally just a fairly rote "thing that makes you go crazy" article, but your log at the end might point you in the right direction: that this condition is irreversible and violent. Play up the tragedy aspect of these. Amazing Co! is making toys that permanently turn children into aggressive, delusional psychopaths, and naturally there would be a huge human impact involved. I'd focus less on the log of dangerous ways in which affected children act, and more on, for instance, interviews with them and their families. You'll get a lot more impact from focusing on that than what you have now.
Wording and Terminology Crit:
“When a child”
What is defined as a child according to the anomaly? Pre-pubescent? Anything under 18?
“Actions of RPC-XXX-1 will become increasingly hazardous and life-threatening when subjects have been reported attempting dangerous stunts and actions with various apparatus and environments such as construction sites and abandoned urban areas, seemingly under the delusion that these actions as typical to what their RPC-XXX induced personas are normally capable of.”
This is all a single sentence. This needs to be cut down and reworded heavily. The message of the sentence changes three times. You should cut up the sentence into around 3 or so sentences.
“One instance of these delusional displays of 'strength' occurs when RPC-XXX-1/D instances attempt to halt moving vehicles with their own body mass.”
You start out in the past tense then change it to future tense, it confuses the reader and muddies the message of the sentence.
“poisoning of starvation”
What?
“For Christ sake”
Is typically written as “For Christ’s sake”. This one is kinda nitpicky but typos grate on me so sue me.
“throws the living room coffee table directly into RPC-XXX-2 face”
Depending on the age of the child this ranges from “yeah, I could see that” to “what the hell, how?” You should probably clarify how old this particular instance is.
There should probably be a paragraph break in the addendum, as is, it’s a long block of text. Kinda hard to read.
Overall Crit:
This concept is fucked up in a really good way. The mental image of children running out into traffic to outrun it is just real enough to have me feeling incredibly uncomfortable. My main complaint is that the horror of these children subjecting themselves to behave in such a reckless and dangerous manner is not capitalized upon. You can really drive home not only the horror from the concept, but also the tragedy. These are normal kids who have been driven to madness by things completely outside of their control, you can do a lot of things with that.
Wording wise it’s kind of rough in some places. The formatting could use some work in the addendum, the lack of a paragraph break leads to the whole section being a massive block of text which is rough to read. However, this is a lot cleaner than some other drafts I have read on the site, which is a good sign.
Overall, really explore the human impact the children’s madness has on the people around them to massively boost the article’s impact. Tweak some wording and formatting and you’re set on that front. There is a lot of untapped potential with this concept and I look forward to reading the finished product.
As one final note, I wonder how these kids would react to Halloween costumes.
Formatting
- Avoid using italics when unnecessary. They are distracting.
- Make sure to place spaces between paragraphs.
Typically,
Description: RPC-XXX…
is used instead of
Description:
RPC-XXX…
While this may be a stylistic choice, the current way in which the division in the text is presented is not aesthetically pleasing. I am sure that there are other ways of using the type of formatting you want to. Maybe you could use heading levels or horizontal lines.
For example:
Description
RPC-XXX…
Use this type of table.
| header | header | header | header |
|---|---|---|---|
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
| cell-content | cell-content | cell-content | cell-content |
Wording and Grammar
RPC-XXX-1 instances are to be taken to Site-██'s Psychiatric Wing in the Infirmary for evaluation and research into a potential method of reversing their effects.
Toy store outlets across the country are being searched by undercover operatives for RPC-XXX instances.
Which country?
Distribution routes are being traced between the outlet store, the customers who have purchased RPC-XXX instances, and possible routes to the point of origin and any further connections to possible Amazing! Co. factories.
The general consensus between the RPC Authority is that you physically cannot find Amazing! Co. stores/factories since their products appear on shelves.
Instances of RPC-XXX are to be seized from the stores and taken immediately into Authority custody.
'superhero'
You don't need the '. The same is true for the 'glow-in-the-dark'.
Each figure is based off of a pre-existing character
Batman action figure that has been completely painted black (except for the face and eyes). The cape is notably absent.
A lot of the description of RPC-XXX-1 can be cut. You mention that they involve dangerous activities twice and showed us an example of it once.
RPC-XXX-1 will regard these individuals as #yellow|antagonistic figures##,
Mention in the footnote that 'supervillains' is one of the possible names given to them.
Throughout the article, try to avoid using the RPC designation several times in the same sentence. Use terms such as "it" etc. The same is true for saying "RPC-XXX instances" repeatedly. Try to change it up a bit. This is true for every word.
Final Note: Overall, the article is very similar to your other works. It is a simple little anomaly which makes a wonderful addition to the RPC universe without having a huge twist or world-spanning consequences. That being said, I cannot give you a proper assessment given the missing Halloween log.
I liked it. I thought it was neat and was able to make me laugh as many times as it made me go, "ouch" under my breath.
/forum/t-14477538/rpc-xxx:heroes-of-justice#post-