The draft is here: http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/unknown-chan-stuff
So as I said before on Discord, I really like this concept a lot. It's cool and creepy, and a nice amount of body horror with a bit of minor Lovecraft inspiration thrown in, and I like that it's based on real life messed up reproductive systems in other animals.
But here are some points that I picked up while reading that could be fixed or changed. Some of these may be nit-picks, but I'll put them up here anyway.
- First nit-pick would have to be the way the object class, hazard type etc info is displayed. I haven't seen this displayed like this before in other articles (then again, I haven't read all the articles, so I can't talk much lol) but I will say it's a little jarring. Plus how much space it takes up is a little off-putting.
- I feel like the containment could be expanded upon a little. Like, is it a simulated environment or a big fish tank? It hasn't been made too clear. Plus it's not specific if these contained specimens are kept indefinitely, and if so, are they fed and is the containment unit cleaned out?
RPC-XXX specimens genetically resembles Lophiiformes2 and Homo Erectus by ██%.
- I feel like maybe "genetically resembling a hybrid of (blank) and (blank) could work better to describe the creatures without unintentionally sounding contradictory.
- Honestly, not much else I can say about the monsters' descriptions other than what was said on Discord. And I really, really like them.
- Perhaps one grip with the Discovery log is knowing what happened to the survivor afterward. How did his journal get to the Authority with enough evidence for them to launch an investigation into the Amazon, and was the survivor interviewed and/or given amnestic afterward?
- Again, nothing else much to say but…that image is fucking disgusting…in a good way XD
The body horror element of just knowing that inside a massive boil/blister is a tiny humanoid fetus growing inside is uncomfortable as fuck.
- Perhaps RPC-XXX-Q could be explored more, like perhaps a hidden surveillance perimeter set up around her location to monitor here behaviour?
Other than that, the ending alluding to the growing number of surviving crossbreeds was an unsettling little note to end the article on, and in my opinion I'd love to see this explored just a little bit more, even if it is just more containment procedures with the matriarch and maybe some more info on the plane crash survivor.
Ultimately, I give it a 8.5/10 for now :)
RPC-XXX-M removed through surgery
Period after surgery
genetically resembles
resembles
RPC-XXX specimens, While female instances…
Replace the comma with a period
Dissection and observation gathered from RPC-XXX-M specimens indicate that RPC-XXX-M instances possess an endoskeleton inside its body.
their bodies
the sperms of RPC-XXX-M become released into the bloodstream
are released
approximal █ months
approximately
Monkeys, Apes, and human subjects
monkeys, apes,
However, cross-breeding tends to result in miscarriage and birth deformity of newborn RPC-XXX instances in all cases
However, cross-breeding results in miscarriage and birth deformities in newborn RPC-XXX instances.
mistaken said animals as RPC-XXX-F instances
for
RPC-XXX-F instances average around 1.6m-1.7m tall standing upright
tall when
mild hallucination
hallucinations
In the event where an RPC-X-M instance fuses into RPC-X-F during reproduction
In the event that an RPC-X-M instance fuses with RPC-X-F during reproduction
Said pimples contain the fetuses of RPC-X
These pimples
RPC Authority around the time of discovery, disguised themselves as both cartel members living inside the Amazon and police forces.
**Around the time of discovery, the Authority disguised themselves as both cartel members living inside the Amazon and police forces.
[DATA EXPUNGED] was detained by the RPC Authority after being arrested for conspiracy to weapon trafficking.
[DATA EXPUNGED] was detained by the Authority after being arrested for conspiracy to commit weapons trafficking.
A blister with RPC-X fetus inside
with an
In ██/██/████ during a containment breach from RPC-████
**On ██/██/████, during an unrelated containment breach by RPC-█,
While the damages to the containment cell were not noticed until several RPC-XXX-M instances breached containment a day after cleanup
The damage to the containment cell was not noticed until several…
Deployed MST Team X-Ray-8 were
was
Research into said RPC-XXX specimens discovered that said instances were formed as a result of birth deformity from cross-breeding with humans during Incident XXX-1.
According to research into said RPC-XXX specimens, these instances were formed as a result of birth deformity caused by cross-breeding with humans during Incident XXX-1.
a large specimen of RPC-XXX-F which appears to be partially fused to the ground.
**appeared **
RPC-XXX-Q appears to take on a matriarch role
appeared to take on a matriarchal role
especially when MST personnel approached RPC-XXX-Q
approach (present tense appear is used earlier)
One of the nastiest articles I have read without it turning in to a total gorefest like some articles try and fail to do. Its is somewhat of a monster manual entry, however it consistently paints such a vivid image of the anomalies disgusting activities and functions in my head that I can ignore completely ignore that and give this a perfect 5/5 rating.
Hazard Types:
This appears to have become a trend lately, I can’t tell if you’re trying to replicate hazard blocks in other articles or just the way you intended.
Either way, you should check out this page.
Captured specimens of RPC-XXX are to be contained in [http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/site-031 Site-031
contained at
Convert to SI Units (293.15 degrees Kelvin)
in a standard aquatic-based containment cell
Usage of *standard containment cells* seems contradictory to later description of containment chambers, which are akin to theme-park sized aquarium.
Hidden security cameras are to be set up inside the containment chamber.
chambers
Specimens of RPC-XXX in containment may be fed with beef and/or pork.
RPC-XXX specimens in containment may be fed with beef and/or pork
All RPC-XXX specimens will be transferred to an adjacent containment chamber while maintence is in progress.
All specimens
maintenance
MST task force X-Ray-8 (Lab Rats)
task force (Already indicated in Mobile Specialized Team)
…have RPC-XXX-M surgically removed
particularly in Anchialine caves
anchialine
RPC-XXX instances are cannibalistic in nature towards the same-sex.
in nature (unnecessary)
Instead, RPC-XXX-M appears to be primarily focused on seeking RPC-XXX-F instances for the purpose of reproduction.
appears to primarily focus on seeking RPC-XXX-F instances in order to procreate. (reduce repeated usage of “the purpose of reproduction”)
The endoskeleton appears to function as a means of protecting reproductive organs inside the endoskeleton,
…the reproductive organs within, (redundancy of “endoskeleton”)
At this point, ██% of RPC-XXX-M's body mass will become discarded. However, the skeletal structure and reproductive organs of RPC-XXX-M will remain.
Can be shortened.
“At this point, RPC-XXX-M will discard ██% of its body mass leaving only the skeletal structure and reproductive organs”
RPC-XXX-M will then insert said reproductive organs into RPC-XXX-F's body via traumatic insemination.
RPC its reproductive organs
regardless of said subject's biological sex.
indifferent of their biological sex.
which emits an unknown type of phenomenon used to lure prey towards RPC-XXX-F
Said phenomenon when inhaled,
pheromone
said RPC-XXX-F instance will enter a sedentary state four days after the initial encounter with said RPC-XXX-M specimen.
“said RPC-XXX-M specimen” => its mating partner (reduce repeated usage of “said”)
particularly Anchialine caves for the purpose of birth.
anchialine
in which large pimples and blisters will appear on the skin of RPC-XXX-F. Said pimples contain the fetuses of RPC-XXX specimens.
Can be shortened.
“in which large pimples and blisters will appear on the skin of RPC-XXX-F, containing the fetuses of RPC-XXX specimens.”
Nutrients from RPC-XXX-M fused onto RPC-XXX-F appear to be utilized to sustain both RPC-XXX-F and RPC-XXX fetuses.
Can be shortened: “RPC-XXX-M appears to provide nutritional value in sustaining both RPC-XXX-F and its fetuses during this period“
encountered by a plane crash survivor named [DATA EXPUNGED]
At this point I can only say it is lazy to do something like this, there is no reasoning in expunging the name of this person, and it adds to the amount of redaction that lessens any extrapolatable value with each usage. Just make up a name.
It is believed that [DATA REDACTED] had led to his discovery of RPC-XXX,
This part made it sound like the Authority doesn’t know if the pilot actually encounter RPC-XXX which is contradictory to their previous certainty that he did.
the RPC Authority was informed.
How? That he published his findings? That Authority found his journal?
RPC Authority around the time of discovery, disguised themselves as both cartel members living inside the Amazon and police forces.
“RPC Authority around the time of discovery” => “Authority personnel”
Whom are they disguising themselves for? Uncontacted tribes? Why would you disguise yourself as a cartel to get yourself antagonized against by locals?
This guise allowed the RPC Authority to fend off other investigations
Instead of using cartel, just bribe the government.
[DATA EXPUNGED] was detained by the RPC Authority after being arrested for conspiracy to weapon trafficking.
So is he dead or alive? This muddles the timeline, which is not helped by you redacting his date of death. Frankly I can’t even tell if this is the same person who crashed landed in the rainforest
Incident XXX-1: In ██/██/████ during a containment breach from RPC-████,
until several RPC-XXX-M instances breached containment a day after cleanup.
This can be correlated to Incident-S031, which took place in 17/05/2014
a day after cleanup during reconstruction process
There is a lot of repetition in the article, stuff like “for the purpose of” and “said” are the primary example, rewording them into something else doesn’t detract from the clinical tone of the article. There are also the many redactions to information, blackboxing numbers aren’t really necessary. Most importantly, do not over rely on [REDACTED] or [DATA EXPUNGED], there are simply just details that don't warrant expunging, the pilot’s name for one. A good way of using them is to censor common information, therefore informing the audience of a connection without explicitly saying it out loud (“genetic resemblance to [DATA EXPUNGED] and [DATA EXPUNGED]” for one.)
With you writing this species as if it were the combination of every unpleasant thing about nature I believe you can take this even further, something like intrauterine cannibalism would be a thing I want to see for the newborns specimens to do.
Alright, I've revised the draft, thank you for the feedback everyone.
Is there anything else I should include, or do you guys think this should be good?
RPC-XXX instances are cannibalistic towards the same-sex.
"RPC-XXX are cannibalistic toward same-sex instances."
Research from the Anomaly Experimentation Team
There's not "an" Anomaly Experimentation Team, there are teams specific to each anomaly.
The legs of RPC-XXX-M appear to function both as hands and legs,
"RPC-XXX-M legs can also serve as hands"
At this point, RPC-XXX-M will discard ██% of its body mass leaving only the skeletal structure and reproductive organ.
comma after mass
and cannot be removed unless through surgery
"cannot be removed without surgery"
The pheromone when inhaled, triggers mild hallucination where subjects will report smelling their favorite food.
"When inhaled, the pheromone triggers a mild hallucination where subjects report smelling their favorite food."
Unless a male instance of RPC-XXX is fused with itself, RPC-XXX-F instances possess no genital or reproductive organs of any sort.
"Unless an instance of RPC-XXX-M is fused with it, RPC-XXX-F instances possess no genital or reproductive organs of any sort."
No description has been given for these organs.
Should RPC-XXX-F discover a human subject, RPC-XXX-F will attempt to lure said human subject towards itself under the guise of another human. This luring tactic, however, is commonly used in locations such as dark areas, where it's difficult for human prey to distinguish between another human and an RPC-XXX-F instance.
"RPC-XXX-F prey on human beings, attempting to mimic human behavior as a lure. This is typically effective despite major physical differences, as it takes place most commonly in poorly lit areas where most discrepancies in appearance are not evident."
While RPC-XXX-M instances were removed from the infected personnel's bodies, three personnel died from cancer as a result of RPC-XXX-M's leftover biomass inside said personnel's body. This incident indicates that RPC-XXX-M's leftover biomass can grow inside a living host and result in tumors.
"While RPC-XXX-M instances were successfully removed from the bodies of attacked personnel, three victims died as a result of exotic tumor growths within their bodies. This is indicative that RPC-XXX-M insemination can be successful in hosts other than RPC-XXX-F."
Overall, pretty gross and cool article. 4 stars
Totally agree with Prototype_Toaster, I don't think I've read a more nasty article on the wiki than this, so absolutely fantastic work! I really don't have any complaints, the article is pretty much ready for posting on mainsite in its current state.
I guess less data expunges would be my only recommendation, they didn't feel needed necessarily. For example, what else in their genetic code would be that dangerous to know that it's been expunged, not just redacted? Same thing with whatever the Female variants secrete. This is all a minor critique though.
Fishpeople of Amazon
Suggestion: "Fishpeople of the Amazon". Seems more natural to me to read it that way, but its up to you obviously.
RPC-XXX specimens are amphibians in nature with major physiological and behavioral differences depending on the sex of said RPC-XXX specimens.
Suggestion: "RPC-XXX specimens are classified as amphibians, and also display major physiological and behavioral differences depending on the sex of said RPC-XXX specimens."
RPC-XXX instances are cannibalistic towards the same-sex instances. However, cases of cannibalism are more dominant in female instances
Suggestion: "RPC-XXX specimens are cannibalistic towards same-sex instances, however, cases of cannibalism are more dominant in female instances"
RPC-XXX-M instances average 60cm tall standing upright. RPC-XXX-M legs can also serve as hands, with RPC-XXX-M being notably more biologically flexible on using its legs compared to the female variant.
"RPC-XXX-M instances average 60cm tall standing upright on their legs, which can also serve as hands. RPC-XXX-M variants are notably more biologically flexible using their legs compared to the female variant."
an endoskeleton inside their body. Said endoskeleton is constructed primarily out of chitin
"an endoskeleton inside their body constructed primarily out of chitin"
The endoskeleton appears to function as a means of protecting the reproductive organs inside
Well does it just appear that way to researchers or is that what it actually does?
RPC-XXX-M will then experience gag reflexes, resulting in the protrusion of tendril-like reproductive organs inside its endoskeleton throat. RPC-XXX-M will insert its reproductive organs into RPC-XXX-F's body via traumatic insemination.
This was quite disturbing to read, good job!
the sperms
I believe sperm is singular and plural, otherwise it'd be "sperm cells"
However, cross-breeding results in miscarriage and birth deformities in newborn RPC-XXX instances.
Truly horrifying imagery, great work so far!
Note its reproductive organs being biologically attached to a female RPC-XXX-F variant.
No, I don't think I will
A blister with an RPC-XXX fetus inside.
Try to make this image a little bit scarier somehow, or maybe find another image. Just a minor critique. The sketches are so good the 'real image' doesn't come off as intense for me.