Walt Disney Article
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/spambot-dino-rpc
I know the URL is weird, just go with it. one more detail is that I'm planning on switching from tabview to offsets when I actually post it to the mainlist
Walt Disney Article
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Walt Disney Article
Summary:
Rewrite of Roget's Walt Disney article (has received the greenlight from them)
or connectors making it
To
or connectors, making it
Reason: Correct Punctuation
——
RPC-870 as well as document results
To
RPC-870 and document results
Reason: Proper sentence flow
——
preventing any use of it as a conventional
To
preventing its use as a conventional
Reason: Proper sentence flow
——
allows the operator of the phone to speak
To
allows the phone operator to speak
Reason: Proper wording
——
an entity, designated RPC-870-A.
To
an entity designated RPC-870-A.
Reason: proper punctuation
——
in general as well as certain features
To
in general, as well as specific features,
Reason: Proper punctuations and wording
——
after Disney had been interred at
To
after Disney interred at
Reason: Proper sentencing
——
were alerted regarding this and were able to take RPC-870 without
To
were alerted, taking RPC-870 without
Reason: Break in clinical tone
——
doing (in order to observe if RPC-870 possibly had memetic effects)
To
doing (to observe if RPC-870 had memetic effects)
Reason: Break in clinical tone
——
to RPC-870-A however they asked
To
to RPC-870-A; however, they were asked
Reason: Proper punctuation and grammar
——
to be referred to.
To
to be referred to-
Reason: Unfinished sentence
——
An interesting concept. I’m a sucker for real world conspiracy theories being the inspiration for articles. While I think the dialogue is a bit hammy, it helps play into the goofiness of the situation.
I’d rate the article at 4.2 Stars (with the inclusion of some touch ups to grammar and clinical tone).
Missing bolding and class images.
So far, the songs It’s a Small World, One Little Spark, and It's a Great Big Beautiful Tomorrow have been reported.
Details on composers and other relevant info would be appreciated.
This entity claims to be the deceased Walter Disney, unaware of their current nature.
This is rather unspecific as to what it's unaware of
Also not sure why you're using they pronouns
RPC-870-A is willing to discuss many different topics but will typically lose focus when talking about other subjects and will quickly segue back to the topic of his “EPCOT Project.”
EPCOT merits a little explanation, it's a vital subject that you need to understand at least superficially to get the article
They have noted that it is around sunset, and the entire park is empty, with a large amount of sand and dust on the park.
Should clarify that this doesn't change, although it's pretty clearly implied
The current experiment procedure was made where a researcher would note what they observed hearing from RPC-870, and an observing researcher would write down what the participating researcher was doing (in order to observe if RPC-870 possibly had memetic effects).
"Current experimental procedures consist of a participating researcher and an observing researcher. The former will note what they hear via RPC-870, while the latter will write down the actions of the former in order to observe potential memetic effects."
Are you sure you're okay, you apparently haven't had anything to eat or drink for a least a few hours?
Missing linebreak after this
[…] could hardly breathe! but now
Capitalization on but
I know what's around me Backster!
I don't really like the bolding, the impact is conveyed anyway without it
Also missing comma before the name
Somebody will replicate it; they'll find that special ingredient and milk it for all its worth.
Linebreak after this
Disney's dialogue here also needs a few more linebreaks
Experiment 20: 2/14/68
This is the only experiment that cuts the "19" from the year
// RPC-870-A is heard approaching the phone while humming a song//
RPC-870-A - //Man has a dream a-and that's the st-start, he follows his dream with, with, mind and heart! //
broken code
as well as confirm if it is the real Walt Disney.
"as well as confirm its identity as Walt Disney"
The agents explained that RPC-870 was believed to be some ridiculous prank and they wanted Roy to ascertain if this was true so they could begin looking for the culprit.
This isn't a good plan honestly, kinda falls apart when you think about it for a while. "We've been talking through a phone with your dead brother but we can't tell if it's a prank or not" is a baffling thing to be told
Lots of missing line breaks, recheck it
Disney - No, no, this isn't real. Walt is dead, you hear me? YOU'RE DEAD!
Not a fan of the allcaps
You're dead walt. You died December 15th, 1966.
missing capitalization
Jesus, if you're trying to impersonate my brother you musta thought he was one sadistic fuck, making me remember all those papers.
I personally think this is believable given how destabilizing the situation must be, but I feel a potential criticism of this line is that Roy acts like he already believes Walt is the real Walt while saying this
Disney - Not everybody gets to live forever Walt, but you're one of the few people who will, through your art, through Disneyland, and through EPCOT
Unfinished line or missing punctuation?
Disney - He's gone now, I think. Thank you, for, uh, whatever that was. I think I feel more at peace for some reason.
I'd personally replace "feeling more at peace" with something else that indicates more intelligence on Roy's behalf. First thing that comes to mind is something like "great impersonator, huh?" followed by a wink. It would better justify the amnestics injection too, given that otherwise he'd probably react really angrily believing that someone's impersonating Walt to that degree of cruelty
Following the experiment, Roy was injected with the P-2 serum
Confusing way to say it, just write "P-2 amnestic". I also suggest explaining it in a footnote just in case
Reclassification of RPC-870 to lesser object pending.
Lesser Anomalous Object
Great improvement over the first version, I enjoyed reading this a lot. I don't think I have the best mindset to critique it indepth because the tone and topic appeal to me really specifically, but it felt great to read
There's some broken italics formatting in the second-to-last collapsible, but I didn't notice any typos other than that. I like this! I feel like I'm a sucker for this material but it comes together well and bringing Roy and Walt together is an inspired choice for an ending.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
Registered Phenomenon Code, Object Class, Containment Protocols, Description, Discovery and Experiment log all need to put in bold
of the Mr. Disney this Mr. Disney that.
of Mr. Disney
were I to place my foot down to the ground
if I were to put my foot down
Oh I wouldn't worry yourself over that
Oh,
Now these roads
Researcher Backster writes down
Line break between roads and Researcher Backster
at least a few hours?
a few hours?
RPC 870-A - Oh, that so, is it?
Line break between hours? and RPC, and correct RPC 870-A to RPC-870-A
Oh, that so, is it?
Oh, is that so?
I'm in Disneyland
I'm in Disneyland,
worth.
Backster - But Wal-
Another linebreak is needed here
Don't even start doctor
start, doctor
heart! //
Remove the space between heart! and //
damnit
dammit
phone
Disney - are you
Linebreak needed between phone and Disney
box
Disney picks up
Ditto
Disney appears to listen before… all parks were powered by electrici-
This entire section requires linebreaks before each "Disney -"
Roy rubs his forehead with ball
the ball
Roy rubs his forehead with the ball… December 15th, 1966.
Another section in need of line breaks
Disney - What? You want me to sing for you… just a dream away
Ditto
Heartwarming. I never cared about Disney that much but I enjoyed this 4/5
/forum/t-14430355/walt-disney-article#post-
