Crit Needed for Alien Index
Crit Needed for Alien Index
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» Crit Needed for Alien Index
Summary:
Need Crit for the alien Index
Wording and Terminology Crit:
“the Aliens pose”
Did you mean possess?
“The Selohssa's poses”
Should be “The Selohssa possess”
“being lost to time”
This could be reworded a bit, the phrase “lost to time” is overused and vague. Come up with a reason why a prideful species would let its own history be forgotten.
“are mined by their enslaved species”
Should be reworded into something like
“Are mined by species they’ve enslaved”
New sentence flows better while conveying the same information.
“a unique natural drug”
Expand on this a bit, drugs are any substance that’s not food that affects how the body works. Is it a plant? A fungus? A moss? Naturally occurring syringes ready to go? Even just a few more words here could paint a more vivid picture of the type of homeworld they have.
“ Usually and quite quickly”
What did you mean by this? Can you reword it so it’s a bit more clear?
“ patriarchal cast system”
Should be “Patriarchal caste system” the e changes the definition.
“common Zidophants who participate in Zidophant society”
All Zidophants participate in Zidophant society. Reword this to something like
“Common Zidophants who do most of the labor in Zidophant society”
Newer sentence conveys more information while maintaining original intent.
“debt slave, servents:
Should be “debt slaves, servants” original sentence means there is only the one, and servents is a typo
“Volxadraks are neutrally slow creatures”
Did you mean “naturally slow”?
“Despite being slow, the Volxadraks have mastered chronotech”
Why despite? Are they mentally slow as well? Does being slow mean you can’t research tech? This one is nitpicking, but I feel I should point it out anyway.
“have whipped out life”
Did you mean “wiped out life”?
“30 to 40 Earth years before expiring, and this is with their advanced medical technology”
Could be reworded into something like “30 to 40 Earth years before expiring, despite their advanced medical technology” better flow
“Corp research wing, it will be terminated”
Should be “Corp research wing, it is to be terminated”
New sentence conveys that it is an instruction.
“ Celliutes, who’ve”
Remove the comma here
“installed by the Kabushiki Kawaii”
I thought KK didn’t exist in this universe, and that they were KG instead?
“Skrekk departs into space”
Should be “Skrekk has assimilated the subject’s brainwaves” as the original sentence brain death only comes after they leave but the next sentence implies that the Skrekk can stick around and the person would still die.
“The Skrekk has been an old ghost story for ship captains”
Should be
“The Skrekk have been rumored to exist by ship captains:
Old sentence breaks the tone of the article too much.
“Unhospitable”
Inhospitable would be more correct here.
Overall Crit:
I liked this manifest, a strange amount of word swaps though. The concepts are handled well and this could be a very good resource in the future for writers wanting to write CE articles and shine some light on some xeno scum that aren’t quite populous in the galaxy. It gives resources for everything from lightheartedness to horror, this diversity will allow writers to do whatever they want with the canon.
Some flow issues but none of them were overly distracting and were easy fixes. Good job overall.
Overall, this is going to be an incredibly useful tool in the future for anyone wanting to write for CE or is simply curious as to what kind of aliens are running around the galaxy.
As one final note, cats are weebs in this universe.
This needs a detailed line-by-line. Let me know on Discord if you're okay with me editing the Sandbox page and I'll give you one, but I ain't copy-pasting All That Shit.
- If the Soshi are hostile and want to kill everything, why do they vassalize planets? How would they have "people under their control"?
- Tonally, this makes a lot of very broad generalizations when I feel like a bit more specifics are needed, and the organization of ideas doesn't make much sense. Why is the Soshi possessing infantry robots somehow more important than explaining up-front that they are FTL-capable and technologically on par or more advanced than Humanity? Why is their seeming ability to mass-produce antimatter not a huge deal? That implies vast technological capabilities.
- Some weird tone- Zidophant ships "zip across space"? I know you're going for a Flash Gordon kind of vibe but c'mon. Overall this whole document needs a thorough tone polishing. Too many zaps, not enough concrete language.
- You keep describing Zidophants in religious terms, but they seem to have a good grasp of money and economics- why is their Likeness so low, then?
- The Volxadrak can fucking time travel but can't save their planet from an ice age? If the Soviets have spacetime manipulation tech, why don't they own this setting? You keep presenting these grand ideas without any thought dedicated to their implications on the rest of the setting.
- So, is the implication that KK made the Bakeneko species and then pretended they were aliens? Despite them obviously being uplifted terrestrial cats? That seems… difficult to get away with.
- You've got some inconsistent use of alien versus xeno here.
Overall, this has many of the same problems I see in all the GRPC timeline; you've got style for days, but the substance feels inconsistent and messy.
Notes: The Selohssa's Selohssas possess
Artifacts and ruins that have yet to be destroyed by the Soshi, corroborate this claim.
Remove the comma here
Their paranoia and innate desire to control, plus rationalizing for this behavior are alien to us.
Would change this to "Their paranoia and innate desire for control, as well as the rationalizations for this behavior is alien to us."
At the top are the Psychic Clergy;
Despite this flaw, the Volxadraks have an almost robotic determination to survive;
The Slyth havesee-through hormones and scent ducts at the tips of their facial tendrils.
It's also been noted they possess terraforming capabilities, modifying worlds by blocking out a planet's natural light source via nanobot swarms.
dunno if this really counts as terraforming since they aren't changing anything about the planet. if the nanobots were to fail the planet would go back to getting constant UV light
with sexual dimorphism between sexes having little to no effect on size
There are offensive applications, but despite efforts, there is no known method to prevent the immediate deactivation of the System once it is used in an offensive capacity.
This feels like it's missing something. How is the hard light technology used offensively? Why is it important that it can't be stopped?
Today, the Kymen are almost entirely demilitarized, to such an extant extent that
But "Path Cells", violent terrorist groups formed in response to alien expansion onto Kymen territory, have begun calling for a return to the Old Way, and if this ideology spreads, it may result in just that.
Run-on Sentence. would suggest ending the first sentence after "a return to the Old Way"
Phycological Psychological evaluations indicate that the species
Phycology: Psychology: Hopkin mind
just as a note you make this mistake for every alien after this
All tech possessed by Celliuts was sized seized from other life forms.
a single ameba amoeba 28ft/8.5m in size folded space into our solar system
one which usually tends to band together with its own to increase signal range.
the wording here is very confusing, would recommend making it more legible
overall, I think the ideas here are pretty interesting, and I enjoy the amount of lore this provides, good work man
Agreeing with the other commentators that this is all flash and light substance. There's not really a lot of connective tissue between the entries making it feel less like a cohesive whole and more like a bunch of little bite-sized episodes of weird aliens content. If these were being used as a framing device to tell a larger story it would be a lot better, but as it stands having it be a collection of weird aliens with the overall message seeming to be "hey aren't these aliens weird" it's okay. This isn't anything I haven't seen with other alien lore in other contexts, it doesn't really do anything to elevate itself and feel like something special.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
WikiDot seems to have eaten my original critique so I'll restate it in summary to say I feel like this is a nice collection of little bite-sized fiction but doesn't bring anything new to the table or have any depth.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
The formatting of the values is inconsistent. The proper way of labeling it is:
X [abbreviation] / Y [abbreviation]
For example: 1 in / 2.54 cm
#The species must be mentioned in at least one GRP document.
What is the reason for the #?
These Aliens will attack on sight, killing anyone in the GRPC/Entity of Interest with the sole intent of eradicating them from the Galactic Map.
This description stands out from the others. It might not necessarily be a bad thing, but you could change the wording slightly.
Zidophant
breathable oxygen at 24.6% concentration.
C12, H22, O,,11.
The formatting on this section is messed up. Also, that is a really weird way of stating that they need lots of carbs. Naming the molecule which they consume instead of Glucose would be good.
Examples include small abrasions forming on a Selohssa's skin following a planetary asteroid impact or feelings of impending doom if an enemy fleet appears in their Star System.
The Selohssa are FTL capable, utilizing a method that is still unknown to mankind. It is believed to be slower, albeit more maneuverable, than our D-Drives.
In addition, anti-matter is utilized as a form of weaponry by Selohssa. Examples include anti-matter planetary bombs, anti-matter rockets for ships and heavy artillery, and anti-matter micro pellet guns for their mechanized light infantry.
Furthermore, the aliens they control are treated as property and are provided very little self-autonomy.
You are essentially re-stating the prior point. Saying that they are treated as property and then saying that they have very little self-autonomy is extraneous.
To compensate for a lack of mobile forelimbs, the Zidophant utilize their trunks as grasping appendages capable of manipulating objects.
While the drug does not have anomalous effects on non Zidophant species, it does intoxicate humans by stimulating the prefrontal cortex and dopamine receptors.
To active FTL, psychic priests use the anomalous Šňupat drug to open portals into the hyperplane,
You already mentioned how the drug is anomalous prior. There is no need to re-state it.
While the GRPC and Blue Book have both tried to halt this economic take over of Station Alliance Space, if Zideophants were to lose their control it'd likely be the end of Human-Zidophant relations.
A fourth cast was introduced following first contact with Humanity.
Volxadrak
Volxadrak psychology is 72% muscle and the species is chemically composed of 80% water. This high water concentration means the Volxadrak species prefer damp environments rich in H2O.
Fix formatting on water.
Despite being mentally slow, Volxadraks chronotech, a relatively new invention, has given them a minute mastery over space-time.
While this ability can speed up time, it can not slow or reverse it.
I feel like you should have a footnote explaining what Chronotech is thoroughly instead of having snippets of it throughout the entry. But do not remove your mention of how it is used — that is relevant.
Rogue Volxadrak, who fall outside the time window, are demoted to slaves, having their productivity sped up with chronotech at the cost of shortening their lives.
Slyth
As such, Slyth can only live on planets in perpetual night, UV rays being hazardous and harmful to their body.
Slyth spacecraft are biomechanical. Due to their onboard immune system, it's advised you avoid boarding their ships if ever given the opportunity, especially if nonaugmented.
If you mean that the spaceships themselves have an immune system, I would suggest changing the word slightly to make it clearer.
Only after they embraced the modifications did they pursue space travel
While these actions are frowned upon by the Galactic Rangers, the Free Systems refuses to acknowledge the exterminations,
Hopkin
and large yellowish eyes measuring 2in/5cm in width.
If textile interaction is achieved, a Hopkin will instantly understand the principles and workings of said touched object.
Photo taken of radioactive Hopkin ruins
Is this an AI-generated image? Did we confirm that is it Creative Commons compliant?
Laknoctua
This event would sour any chances of Human-Lakno relations.
Celliut
If you believe a ship or its crew has physically made contact with a Celliut, report it to your station's docking master.
Bakeneko
pre-Earth Japan
I understand what you mean here, but the way you wrote it implies that Japan existed before Earth itself.
Havia-Trovis
" Investigations
Remove space.
with populations ranging from less than >1,000 to ~50 million.
There is no need to say “less than” if you are using the > symbol. Choose one way of presenting it.
Change the formatting of the values.
1 thousand to 50 million
Or
1’000 to 50’000’000
A lack of technological innovation has led most of these worlds to lose interplanetary contact with one another.
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