Oh hey, new draft. http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/thatowldudes-room-draft
Any and all crit is accepted.
Oh hey, new draft. http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/thatowldudes-room-draft
Any and all crit is accepted.
——
near the western wall of the room,
To
near the room's western wall,
Proper Grammar
——
which is connected by a
To
connected by a
Unnecessary wording
——
Any strange activity emanating from RPC-XXX
To
Any activity differing from RPC-XXX’s norm
Medical tone / “emanating” is not an appropriate wording in this sentence.
——
room which replaced the janitorial
To
room that replaced the janitorial
Proper pronoun
——
January 14th, 2019 at
To
January 14th, 2019, at
Missing comma
——
at the south-west corner
To
at the southwest corner
“southwest” is one word
——
composed of of a material
To
composed of a material
Repeat of “of”
——
RPC-XXX were composed out
To
RPC-XXX were formed out
You repeat “composed out of/of” in the previous sentences. Consider Differing synonyms to break sentence monotony.
——
out of a white, concrete-like
To
out of white, concrete-like
Word “a” is extra wording, not required.
——
indeterminate make which sat
To
indeterminate make, which sat
Missing Comma
——
a manner which resembled constant
To
a manner that resembled constant
Proper pronoun
——
personnel as being perfectly smooth.
To
personnel as perfectly smooth.
Word “being” is not necessary
——
destroyed; the manner
To
destroyed, the manner
Proper punctuation
——
leaves of the lotus
To
leaves of the lotus
Double Spaced
——
flower, although this
To
flower. However this
Proper place to end the sentence
——
where said matter was
To
where the said matter was
Missing determiner
——
in Toronto, Canada were
To
in Toronto, Canada, were
Missing comma
——
items, and became missing
To
items. He became missing upon
Proper place to end sentence
——
resulted from an employee
To
resulting from an employee
Incorrect verb
——
Inside the closet janitor Owen
To
Inside the closet, janitor Owen
Missing comma
——
RPC-XXX's door which stopped
To
RPC-XXX's door, which stopped
Missing comma
——
you people, do any of you
To
you people. Do any of you
Proper place to end sentence
——
I'd like for you to answer some questions for me, if you don't mind.
To
I'd like you to answer some questions for me if you don't mind.
“for” is repeated twice in this sentence and it’s placement is not needed / comma was not necessary
——
the jug and
To
the jug, and
Missing comma
——
for a bit and
To
for a bit, and
Missing comma
——
the internet too or something?
To
the internet too, or something?
Missing comma
——
It’s a good article with a neat idea, I’d estimate it’d receive a score that’d average out at about about 4.1.
Thank you for the crit! I've implemented grammar changes.
Wording and Terminology Crit:
“further containment protocols have been deemed necessary.”
Don’t you mean unnecessary? The building is reopened, and the containment procedures have been scaled back, that’s not furthering containment procedures.
“Despite possessing no lights sources, RPC-XXX was illuminated at all times”
Minor nitpick but you can see lightbulbs in the picture, they’re subtle but the circles in the ceiling are spots where lightbulbs would be installed.
“Any external gases introduced inside RPC-XXX would flow down and gather on the floor, regardless of its density”
What about the atmosphere? Like breathable air? Does that remain afloat and throughout the whole room or are Authority agents just crouch walking everywhere, so they don’t suffocate? This could be slightly reworded to be a bit clearer.
“ █.██ seconds;”
This is a personal bias but why is the amount of time the regeneration takes redacted? Is it dangerous information to leak out? Doesn’t seem necessary to me.
“Inside the closet was janitor Owen Miller, who had not aged within the span of a year and who was braindead, slumped over the wall.”
Could be reworded as
“Inside the closet janitor Owen Miller was found, not having aged, and also braindead.”
Admittedly this rewording is kinda shaky, but my point is that the original sentence does not flow well and should be reworded so that it becomes easier to read.
“ █████████-█████ morgatorium at Site-███”
Did you mean moratorium?
“After 2 days”
Could be reworded to
“Two days after the incident”
The new sentence sounds more clinical and is more precise in its language.
Overall Crit:
I like the anomaly itself, it’s simple but it asks a lot of questions. Only to have none of them be answered by the end of the article. This isn’t always a bad thing, but I feel that here it could definitely improve the article if certain things were expanded upon. For example, what if instead of being braindead Owen was still alive when the Authority found them, and he could describe where he was during the time he was vanished. If you don’t want to expand too much on it that’s fine cause he hasn’t aged, meaning from his perspective he was probably only there for a short amount of time.
In terms of grammar and terminology errors this article actually does quite well with very few of the former and none of the latter. Which is always nice to see. I’ve seen a lot of articles get dragged down by wording and terminology errors and it’s good that this appears to be an exception.
Overall, I like the set up here, but there is little payoff. It asks questions but gives absolutely no hints as to answer them. I’m not saying everything needs to be spelled out but there’s nothing here to even hint as to any answers which leaves the article lacking. It has a lot of potential but hasn’t quite reached it yet.
As one final note, “backrooms”
Thanks for the crit! I've implemented most of your grammar changes and I can see why you feel like the article is rather lacking. I'll change up the events in Incident XXX-A1 to be a bit more satisfying and less abrupt.
Also,
As one final note, “backrooms”
1. Initial formatting issues with the class icon and the photo. I’d look at the widget hub for an alternative or move the photo further down.
2. “at approximately 3:17 PM” if they’re able to “approximate” it down to the minute, I dunno if that’s a “approximation” anymore.
3. “RPC-XXX possessed extra-dimensional properties, for its dimensions were far too large to normally fit within the boundaries of the ███████████ studio building;”
Change “for its” to “as its” or “judging by the fact that”.
4. “Despite possessing no lights sources”
Despite the fact that it possessed no light sources.
Crit implemented.
It bothers me how you place description like this:
Description: Prior to Incident XXX-A1, RPC-XXX was a spacious, 18-by-18-by-5 meter room which replaced the janitorial closet in the east wing…
But then the containment protocols are formatted awkwardly:
Containment Protocols:
Open Revision XXX-1
After the events of Incident XXX-A1
I would consider placing the collapsible at the end of the protocols to keep it consistent across sections. Just cleaner imo.
Avoid repetition. Ctrl-f and type "possessed" and you'll see what I mean.
I dunno how I feel about ; at the end of the bullet points. Just a . may be better.
affixed inbetween
in between
The full origin of RPC-XXX's properties remain unknown.
remains
I will agree with Ant's criticisms in that this article has a moderately interesting build up but there is no pay off whatsoever at the end. The ending itself just feels like a cheap way to garner shock, what with Miller just dropping dead upon being told how long he was in the room. Fainting would work better in my opinion, although not enough to save the article. Meanwhile, I find the anomaly to be a bit interesting albeit I don't get the connection to you know what.
2.5/5
Thanks for the crit! I've implemented your grammar fixes and I'll see if I can change up the ending a little more.
has been reopened for the public with a new renovated appearance.
“Renovated” implies “new” already, so it can be removed.
Alternatively, “reinvigorated” could be used.
OL-Site-XXX is to be closely monitored by authority moles to report any further anomalous activity.
Authority moles
any resurgent anomalous activity.
The ███████████ studio building containing RPC-XXX has been reclassified as OL-Site-XXX. The east wing of the OL-Site-XXX has been closed off under the guise of ongoing renovations.
, with the east wing closed off
The door leading to RPC-XXX is to be kept slightly open via a door-stopper affixed in between the doorway, preventing it from closing.
Door wedges are rather flimsy, you’d have a better chance minimizing accidental casualties by just putting a bolt in between the doorway so that it would be impossible to close the door at all.
A foam mat has been affixed to the floor of RPC-XXX via epoxy glue
“A foam mat has been laid over the floor of RPC-XXX and kept in place via epoxy glue.”
End the section off as its own sentence.
Any strange activity regarding RPC-XXX
emanating from RPC-XXX
lead researcher ████████
Probably want to capitalize the title as you would later on in the interview.
The floor of RPC-XXX was composed out of a material which resembled wooden planks.
composed of
which resembling
although sampling of it was not possible.
as its dimensions were far too large to normally fit within the boundaries of the ███████████ studio building;
Do you mean the janitorial closet itself?
The disintegration process appeared to accelerate depending on its distance from the chairs.
process is proportional to the distance between the object and the chairs
Authority agents stationed in Toronto
2 authority agents
Authority Agents
RPC designation and containment protocols were later put in place.
were later implemented
On December 21st 2020
December 21st, 2020
only to find that the janitorial closet had manifested in place of RPC-XXX.
Suggestion: remanifested
<Begin Log, [12/21/2019]>
Wrong date.
So, what the hell's going on? I don't recognize any of you people, do any of you work here not not?
or not
I should inform you that nearly 3 years have passed since your disappearance.
It was only about two years.
Suggestion: since you were inside the closet
As I understand, the ending was rewritten to be more “satisfying”(?), which I don’t think did anything substantial because it doesn’t really tie in to the anomaly really.
The problem with the article may have less to do with lacking development, I don’t think the idea was effectively communicated to anyone, I myself having to take a second look at the title to finally understand what you’re referencing. I think the article in its current state just doesn’t work well with the whole “glitched” theme. To compare, the Backroom works because it mostly relies on its visuals, and its allusion to ideas like reality being a simulation. In contrast, the text-based medium doesn’t work the same because you are not “seeing” those glitches (the main anomaly as opposed to Backrooms’ rooms themselves), and it doesn’t really say much about the universe because if it does, then it implies the RPC world to be a game, which is just massive information to lore.
I don’t think you could do this without being overly obvious with the concept like revealing Owen’s corpse to be entirely hollow or something. I would further suggest that you try and get pictures that better fit the “Fake 3D” look.
Thanks for the crit! I've implemented grammar changes and I've added a bit more to the ending to make it a bit more obvious (without being too drastic) and tie it with the anomaly. I'm not trying to imply that the RPC world is actually a game; that wasn't my intention. I just tried to write something based on those 'liminal' images without it being too similar to the backrooms. I'll consider editing the base image a little more to make it look more 'artificial'.