I would strongly recommend you port this to a Sandbox page. It makes the draft easier to edit (for you) and easier to read (for us).
How do I get a link to my sandbox page
The Writer's Guide has everything you need to know.
Containment Protocols:
RPC-569 is to be kept in a standard humanoid cell at Site 279, only CSD personal are allowed to enter his cell for research purposes (look at RPC-569-01 incident report), one guard with a tranquilliser gun is to stand Infront of its cell at all times
Description:
RPC-569 is a kangaroo (Macropodidae) standing approximately 3 metres high and 100 kilograms in weight, he has all the traits of a kangaroo except for the human soul that inhabits it, claiming to be Edward Rusher a boxer who died in 1977, he retains all his memories from his previous life and shows signs of high intelligence and hostility to the Authority
There's a missing space between the ConProts and the Description. I'd also suggest not having a line break after the bolded text, it makes the article look kinda ugly IMO.
Here's some corrections as well:
"RPC-569 is to be kept in a standard humanoid cell at Site-279, guarded by an ASF warden equipped with a tranquiliser gun. Only CSD personnel may access RPC-569's cell."
This could use more detail. What kind of gun? What kind of tranquilisers? I'd also expand on the rationale for only CSDs to be allowed to access the cell, as ConProts are supposed to serve as a guide for containment by themselves with as little extra context required as possible.
"RPC-569 is a kangaroo (Macropodidae [what subspecies?] that stands approximately 3 meters in height and weighs 100 kilograms. It possesses al the traits expected of a member of its species, save for a human-like level of intelligence and capability for speech.
RPC-569 claims to be Edward Rusher (YEAR OF BIRTH - 1977), a career boxer whose memories it appears to share. It is openly hostile toward the Authority."
Ditto here. How can it speak with the mouth, lungs and vocal cords of a kangaroo? Why is it hostile toward the Authority? Who is Edward Rusher, what was his career like, and were there any suspicious or unusual circumstances of death? All of these are details that could be used to make the Description more compelling.
The lack of detail applies for the Discovery and Incident report. Those are really lackluster and need some more information as to how exactly the events being described took place and their specifics. Just saying "X happened" doesn't make for a compelling read — think of ways you could tell your reader things about the anomaly and the Authority through the Discovery. How does the anomaly react to being caught? How did it live in its natural environment before people caught wind of it?
Also, here's some formatting for the Interviews that you should use:
> **Dr. Oliver:** This is a line of dialogue.
> <- This is a single space. Remove this line of text but don't remove the space. This is to create a line break.
> **RPC-569:** This is a response.
The interviews have an excessively juvenile feel to them. For being a boxer that died in the 70s, 569 speaks in modern slang that he shouldn't even know, and Dr. Oliver seems like he isn't treating the interrogation carefully or seriously. I strongly suggest the interviews in RPC-177 or RPC-913 and trying to mimic their feel.
Overall I'd say this is genuinely an awesome concept, but it might be a little too much to chew at once for your first article. I'd recommend talking more about 569's personality — whether through his career and post-rebirth actions — and how his personal history connects with the anomaly and the man that revived him (i.e. was he struggling to stay alive before? Did he have some kind of unfinished business? Why did the Welsh man choose him instead of anyone else?).
This isn't ready for posting, but it's a very good start. Keep at it, I really want to see this posted on the site!
thankyou i'm really excited to fix this
(didn't mean to post twice)
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/fireslayer2205
My updated sandbox
Object Class: Beta
Lethality rating: Orange
“Lethality Rating”
Not sure why you would separate the Containment Rating and Lethality Rating in two.
RPC-569 is to be kept in a standard humanoid cell at Site 279
Site-279
if an containment breach occurs
a
three times a day a bowl of water and grass is to be put in it's cell.
“three times a day is RPC-569 to be served a bowl of water and grass in its cell.”
Would there be any attempts at diversifying its diet to include other food such as flowers or fruits?
it has all the traits of a kangaroo except for the human soul that inhabits it, due to this it has the intelligence and reasoning of a human and the ability speaks through anomalies means.
On what grounds does the Authority claim with certainty the existence of soul?
“… except for its human-like intelligence and reasoning and the ability…”
anomalies anomalous means
The soul claims to be Edward Rusher
RPC-569 claims to be…
a world famous boxer who won the world boxing Council multiple times,
world-famous
World Boxing Council
Change the comma to a period. Continue the next section as its own sentence
it was born in 1947 and vanished in 1977, it grew up in Townsville, Australia with his wife and two kids
“He” or “Edward” instead of “it”, as you are referring to Edward Rusher not RPC-569, who the Authority can’t confirm to be the same Edward.
Perhaps a better way to approach this is to write a brief paragraph that dedicated to the life of Edward Rusher.
+DISCOVERY:2007/6/22 15:32
“Y: 2” (Spacing)
Townsville, QLD, Australia ##-#### street
██-████
later that evening reports came in from their neighbours of a talking Kangaroo
“later reports by neighbours in that evening further corroborates the statements of the Rusher household”
four RPC guards
Do you mean ASF Officers?
a cover story of gas leak making people hallucinate
“a cover story of a gas leak was used to explain the incident as mass hallucination.”
After discovery:
RPC-569 was moved to site 279 into a standard humanoid cell
This section should just be placed at the end of the Discovery log.
Site-279
“…Site-279 and placed into a…”
Missing period at the end of the sentence.
569
RPC-569:
Dr Oliver
Dr. Oliver:
Interview log format can be improved by using text block as seen in below
> **Name:** [Text]
>
> **Name:** [Text]
Name: [Text]
Name: [Text]
You are in site 279
Site-279
Missing period at the end of the sentence.
Where we are isn't important right now, what is important is that you answer my questions, and once I'm done, I'll let you be
Fat chance
Much of this interview is missing any punctuation marks, please add them.
why where you trying to break into (REDACTED) street?
why were
[REDACTED]
Well, one day I died of dehydration,
I think the original edit of “my body bit the dust” works better since you’d end up revealing how he died in the later interview. It would be good to withheld this bit of information.
After interview:
Again, this section can be moved into the Interview log as a Closing Statement.
Edward Rusher was identified as a real person who disappeared. (REDACTED) street was bought under his name. He was a world-wide known boxer who won multiple World Boxing Council tournament, but in his last tournament he almost died from injuries
tournaments
This section is almost entirely redundant with his section in the Description.
+INTERVIEW: 2007/6/25 9:00
Again, much of this interview is missing any punctuation marks, please add them.
your here to ask more questions
you’re
my job is to Research, Protect and Contain things that break the laws of physics
research, protect, and contain
I wanted it to be a surprise I ended up taking a few wrong turns
Punctuation between “surprise” and “I ended”
Umm one last question,
Uhm,
After interview:
Again, this section can be moved into the Interview log as a Closing Statement.
This is written alright, I suppose. I do believe not enough was gone into exploring the impacts of the 20 years time gap between Rusher dying and finally getting back to Townsville, long enough time for childrens to grow up and relatives to die. The effort he took to get back and RPC-569’s relationship with his family post-resurrection was not talked about more, how unfamiliar he became, the shock of seeing a Kangaroo talking like your missing husband/father, and the flood of emotions that could come out from that etc.
The article is also awkwardly formatted, things like the Object Classes, the Interview Logs and Addendums. I strongly advised checking the Formatting Guide to better script the article.
My final suggestion would be to clarify if there’s any significance of the hole being cemented over.
I listened to all your feedback would you mind taking a look to see if it solved the issues
I am replying to hopefully catch the attention of TTPY.
If this breaks any rules pls tell me
Object Class: Beta Lethality rating: Orange
I will again implore you to take a look at the Formatting Guide on site, specifically Article Formats which provided details for both Object Class and Interview formats:
Object Class: Alpha/Beta/Gamma (containment rating) - Yellow/Orange/Red (lethality rating)
Containment Ratings and Lethality Ratings are not meant to be separated as an Object Class.
It has all the traits of a kangaroo except for the human soul that inhabits it
As I have said before, this is neither clinical or provable by the Authority. You as a writer may know that Edward’s soul inhabits the Kangaroo, but the Authority can’t prove it or even that there is such a thing as a soul. As far as the Authority is concerned, this could just be a mere sapient Kangaroo that thinks it is Edward Rusher.
it grew up in Townsville,
he
The Rusher family was found crying in complete shock asking the guards if the RPC was Edward.
if RPC-XXX
They were pushed aside
They were amnesticized
RPC-569 was moved to site 279 into a standard humanoid cell.
You are in site-279.
Site-279
I have fixed the issues. If you could give any grammar or just any last feedback before I post it it would be appreciated.
Deleted by FireSlayer2205
A 5 point crit is basically just a crit that has 5 point of criticism given to the draft, you already have more then 2 of those.
site-279
All the times you mentioned “site-279”, remember to capitalize them, its “Site-279”
Do not explicitly mention “soul”, say it’s intelligent, that it knows everything Rusher knows and thinks he is him, those are tangible facts, but not “soul”, that is just something that can’t be defined.
Edward Rusher is a famous boxer who had won the World Boxing Council multiple times. He was born in 1957 and vanished in 1987; he grew up in Townsville, Australia with his wife and two kids.
Separate this as its own paragraph
And just format the interviews, it makes everything look better, and it’s simply putting “> “ next to each line to get something like
this kind of
formatting
Those would be my final suggestions to the article.
I uploaded RPC-569 Edward Rusher. It was taken down for bad grammar, non clinical tone and lack of experience. I went through, and solved these issues. Below is the updated version!!!
I got feedback by two people in the RPC Authority discord. I'm currently adding their contributions, so there's no point in giving feedback till I'm done.
I kinda left this on the back shelf for a while, but I came back today and blew the dust off of it. Down below is an updated draft:
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/fireslayer2205