Routines
Remnants tale! Fucking depressing, and a bit comedic.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/routine
3.5k words. All criticism is welcomed!
Routines
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Routines
I lost some crit, but here’s some highlights
(Meth is not a painkiller)
(Pain-Killers is one word “painkiller”)
(You don’t need this first “really” - “didn't really bother him. The whole thing didn't really bother him,”)
(keeping their mouths shut.)
(That is, until he was)
(However, there was one group)
(weirdly nonlethal.)
(him coldly before saying)
(even giving him clean clothes.)
(Make sure he doesn’t do anything)
(machine and turned to read.)
(Laying down on the bed,)
(said Todd looking at the bed to his right.)
(And, as his old friend had once told him:)
——
Highlighted words was what I edited from the original, Ctrl+F to find the sentence it’s referring too.
If confused, ask. I had a better formatted crit but lost it all.
Slowly getting up from bed, he took a look around at his "cell."
Tensing issues here, you start with a present (getting up) then end with a past (took a look) - enforce the same tensing, I suggest making the second one present tense (takes a look).
He even shared it with someone else. Although he was still soundly asleep,
Same pronouns leads to some confusion, suggest to make the second 'he' to something very different (Although that other guy was still-)
They'd told him that, after all, he wasn't here as a punishment. And it was, while untidy at the moment, everything he could've wanted.
Two commas for short sentences is a bit jarring. Suggest to reword and remove the second comma, so it looks like this: "After all, they'd told him that he wasn't here as punishment. And while untidy at the moment, it was everything he could've wanted."
Not that he knew much about apartments, however. Especially given his living conditions prior to his encounter with the "Authority."
Now this is a better candidate for a sentence with two commas. Suggestion: "Not that he knew much about apartments, however, especially given his living conditions prior to his encounter with the "Authority".
"cell."
"Authority."
“condition.”
Fullstop within quotes is for dialogue, is weird for when the word is being highlighted in a non-dialogue format. Suggest to move the fullstop out.
All in all, it's a good short story that sort of alludes to Todd knowing the world's come to an end and is fighting off madness with extreme repetitive routine, ironically an insanity of its own.
Paragraph 1: "as noted by the bump beneath the nearby bead"
Change bead to bed.
Other than that, this was a delight to read. It was cleanly paced and had just the right bit of gallows humor. Fine work.
(account deleted)1. You have a lot of commas, check over the first two paragraphs and try to see if you can drop a few.
2. I think it's heroin, not heroine.
3.
when he was less expecting it
When he was least expecting it.
4. I really enjoyed the encounters with Mike, Freeze and Ethan. Funny but still grounded.
5.
Todd thought I'd be rude to take him off work, so he closed the door once more, slowly.
it'd
6. I just finished it and Oh.
Oh no.
Really enjoyed it!
/forum/t-14318742/routines#post-