The End of the World(s)
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/it-s-the-end-of-the-world-s
Small tale based on the Cosmic Embers Universe. All types of criticisms are welcomed!
Length: 2.4k
The End of the World(s)
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» The End of the World(s)
——
sure we’ve already ran out
To
sure we’ve already run out
Reason: Proper grammar
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pulp fiction and clothes
To
pulp fiction, and clothes
Reason: Proper punctuation
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room as he made his way across
To
Room as he floated (or) walked his way across
Reason: More descriptive.
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In fact, it had been about four (earth) weeks
To
In fact, it had been 672 hours XX Min, XX Sec, about four (earth) weeks
Reason: Redundant wording & general time keeping is in hours, min, and sec.
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Dr. Lyre, I would to remind you that-”
To
Dr. Lyre, I would to remind you that-”
Reason: Redundant wording
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“Perfect! Everything’s looking fancy.
To
“Perfect! Everything looks fancy.
Reason: Better grammar
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for today was a special date.
To
for today was a particular date.
Reason: Better synonym
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mayhem if we actually strike it down
To
mayhem if we actually strike it down
Reason: Redundant word
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Day, if your notes are correct, Dr. Lyre”
To
Day, if your notes are correct, Dr. Lyre.”
Reason: Missing period
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A big grin began to form on Dr. Lyre mouth.
To
A big grin began to form on Dr. Lyre’s mouth.
Reason: Proper comma.
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view of the whole planet. A shiny, red and blue marble
To
view of the whole planet—a shiny, red, and blue marble
Reason: Proper dash and punctuation placement
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equations to pin-point the exact date
To
equations to pinpoint the exact date
Reason: One word
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from his chair and began walking towards his
To
from his chair and began walked towards his
Reason: Redundant wording and proper grammer
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shores of one of its continents; signs
To
shores of one of its continents, signs
Reason: Proper punctuation
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information, hearsay and guesses.”
To
information, hearsay, and guesses.”
Reason: Proper punctuation
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“Thanks for saying ‘we’, dear Bill.
To
“Thanks for saying ‘we,’ dear Bill.
Reason: Proper punctuation
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EV’s theories were further examined by the organization at large.”
To
the organization at large further examined EV’s theories.” Despite
Reason: Better sentence structuring
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moments to consider its next words.
To
moments to consider its following words.
Reason: Better synonym
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and take all million people
To
and take all the millions of aliens
Reasons: Proper grammar & these are not people.
Note: Change all instances of “People” to Xeno, Alien, or name of your choosing.
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Tapping the base of the terminal with his can,
To
Tapping the terminal base with his can
Reason: Snappier grammar
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terminal’s screen by robotics hands.
To
terminal’s screen by robotic hands.
Reason: Proper spelling
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grew orange, blue, yellow and red.
To
grew orange, blue, yellow, and red.
Reason: proper punctuation
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culture, of war and peace; they were all gone
To
culture, war and peace, they were all gone
Reason: Proper grammar & punctuation
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of the galaxy being the graveyard
To
of the galaxy is the graveyard
Reason: Proper grammar
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this recording would be good enough evidence
To
this recording would be sound enough
evidence
Reason: Better synonym
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Yeah. It only seemed right.
To
Yeah. It only seemed fitting.
Reason: Better synonym
It’s critting time.
By the way, it took me 17 minutes to boot up my laptop, open your draft, and open an empty text document to initiate the critting process. I am dedicated.
said Dr. Lyre as he spun around in his wheeled chair.
‘wheeled chair’ sounds weird. Just call it an office chair or something and trust that the reader will understand you mean one of those wheeled office chairs.
Indeed, the void of space was an unfit environment for airwaves to travel through, and as such, no sound ever came from outside the Mobile Observatory.
A little verbose imo, but it works.
“Would you like me to play “Best Hits from the 90’s - All-Time Favorites” again, Dr. Lyre?”
As far as I know, quoting something in dialogue uses ‘ ‘ as opposed to “ “
Example, “Would you like me to play ‘Bet Hits from the 90’s – All-Time Favorites’ again, Dr. Lyre?”
Though in this example, I would probably italicize it.
Maybe.
its synthesized male voice reminding Dr. Lyre that his only companions in the darkness of space were chips and wires.
Oof.
The Doctor began to wheel around the Command Area like a pirate in the deep sea.
Odd analogy.
Dr. Lyre stopped his chair-fairing
Chair-faring*
In continuing with your pirate analogy, they go seafaring. The chair equivalent is chair-faring.
Atryl Lense Magnifiers… Functional
Conscious Gas Tracking… Functional
Automated Calendar… Functional
Offline Galactic Map… Functional
GRPC-Issued Digital Galactic Compendium… Functional
B1ll-822 Artificial Assistant… Functional
For flavor, I feel like this should definitely be size-increased or bolded or something.
If any of them acknowledged this fact, none brought it up to the other.
If either of them.*
There’s only two, right? If ‘any’ of them implies that there’s more than two.
A legend in Vulcan-55’s Uthjak faith, as written in the “Cast of Voices,” tells that one day the Great Yridal Matriarch would use “Fire Eternal” to open up the “Primordial Egg,”
Same as earlier stated example; find something else to quote titles/name other than quotation marks. At first, I thought someone was speaking.
Galactic Agent Lavoe
:swagsmile:
A legend in Vulcan-55’s Uthjak faith, as written in the “Cast of Voices,” tells that one day the Great Yridal Matriarch would use “Fire Eternal” to open up the “Primordial Egg,” bringing down the end of all known life in the(ir) world. Dr. Lyre had learned of the myth by word-of-mouth from his friend, Galactic Agent Lavoe, during one of his expeditions. Deep within Uit Mountains, where a xeno artifact was said to be hidden, he found a missing piece of the faith’s texts. Ever since, Lyre had become obsessed with the little prophecy, studied everything about it, and even made equations to pinpoint the exact date of Yunder’s Day. It was, after all, the closest “Doomsday Myth” he had ever come across.
Actually, what’s the point of this entire section? I’m interpreting this as data displayed on a monitor. If so, that should be more clear…unless I’m just being slow…
Dr. Lyre got up from his chair and walked towards his GRPC-Issued “Mini-Fridge” to retrieve a sugary beverage.
Not sure why ‘mini-fridge’ is quoted or capitalized. Not a huge deal, I guess.
“Also, Billy, what did you say back then? ‘In the unlikely event that Yunder’s Day relates to an anomalous-caused disaster?’ Is that… a tinge of sarcasm I hear in your speech?”
Aayyyy you did it here.
a white, thin curtain was extended over the top of the terminal’s screen by robotic hands
Passive voice. Reverse this pls.
50s: The asteroids collided with each other, raining bits of space rock all over Vulcan-55.
40s: The collision had obliterated the small asteroid. The big one was mostly unscratched. Its course, however, was not.
30s: The giant asteroid began to glow red as it entered Vulcan-55’s orbit.
20s: The before-white tail grew orange, blue, yellow and red. It looked like the birth of a new sun.
10s: The tip of the asteroid made contact with Vulcan-55. Even with the distance, Dr. Lyre could see the ground melt and bleed around its touch. Fire Eternal.
A little weird that it suddenly counted down like this, but it works.
Millions, perhaps billions of years of knowledge, of culture, of war and peace; all gone in an instant.
Sad and poignant, made even sadder by some jaded, pessmistic dickhead pointing a camera at it.
the forever darkness.
Not sure how to feel about this particular line.
I made it to the end.
Overall…not bad.
From what I gathered, Lyre read a legend on Vulcan-55 and a catasrophe that would befall it, and he tried his best to get people to go send help in advance, only to be brushed off.
He witnessed Vulcan-55’s destruction firsthand. Turns out he was right.
I think this sets it up well in terms of showing his frustration and sadness with failing to get appropriate assistance with stopping the event as well as the poignancy of helplessly watching an entire civilization be wiped out by said event.
I think the back and forth between Lyre and Bill is a little overdone, but was entertaining nonetheless.
I think info-dumping a decently-sized paragraph on why Lyre was going to Vulcan-55 in the first place was pretty jarring, but I don’t really have a suggestion for that.
At its current state, I’d probably give this tale a 3.5/5 if I could. I’m not a harsh reader though, so I’d average it out at 4/5.
Sorry if I’m not more help.
Galactic Agent Lavoe
YES
where a Xeno artifact
the term "Xeno" is waaaayy too campy imo
GRPC-Issued Mini-Fridge
why is it capitalized
Millions, perhaps billions of years of knowledge, of culture, of war and peace; all gone in an instant.
If your intent is to make the reader feel bad about this kind of event, then there was far too little time spent with this race. We don't even know how they look. Granted, you could make this a point by showing how little of a shit Lyre gives.
Overall, funny tale. I like it as a nice one-shot
Red is bad.
Green is what I'd want you to do instead.
Yellow is something I don't like, but could just be opinion.
“You know, Bill, it can get awfully quiet in here…” said Dr. Lyre as he spun around in his wheeled office chair. Indeed, the void of space was an unfit environment for airwaves sound to travel through, and as such, no sound noise ever came from outside the Mobile Observatory.
"Wheeled office chair" sounds unnecessarily verbose.
People don't really say "airwaves", they say "sound" or "sound waves". However, saying sound there can make the usage of sound later in the sentence sound repetitive, so I would suggest replacing it with a synonym.
“No thanks, Billy. I’ve had enough of Lerroy and the Galactic Five for a lifetime. Plus, I’m pretty sure we’ve already run out of songs to listen to. Nothing fresh coming out from Mallory Station? Did YNON-9 ever drop her new album?” The Doctor began to wheel around the Command Area like a pirate in the deep sea.
That's a weird simile to use here, usually when you'd make a comparison like that it would usually have some relevance to the verb used. Pirates don't "wheel".
Discarded papers, energy drinks, pulp fiction and clothes littered the surprisingly empty room as he rolled his way across from one end to another. Discarded papers, energy drinks, pulp fiction and clothes were crunched and mushed under his wheels as he rolled his way from one end to another.
It's weird to start describing the scene here, especially in such a way that feels like an afterthought, like you realized you hadn't described the command area he's in and just stuck it in somewhere you thought it'd fit. You could make it feel less forced by making it more relevant, like describing the sound he makes as he wheels over everything like in my example, or just have him look around his room while you list details.
“Language,” bickered back the AI.
Granted he'd only said like, 4 things in the story so far, but having the AI suddenly start acting sassy when up until then it had been emotionless and professional is a bit strange.
Now, Billy, let us argue further. Now, back to arguing.
That's a bit stiff, even if he's being melodramatic here.
A legend in Vulcan-55’s Uthjak faith, as written in the Cast of Voices, tells that one day the Great Yridal Matriarch would use Fire Eternal to open up the Primordial Egg, bringing down the end of all known life in the(ir) world.
You wouldn't usually use parenthesis like that. You would either choose one of those words, or if you want to specify that planet specifically you would make the sentence do so.
It was, after all, the closest Doomsday Myth he had ever come across.
Maybe I just have doodoo brain but I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean chronologically or physically? Both? Or did you mean "the closest thing to a doomsday myth" and mistype?
Good tale, I didn't have too much to critique here.
/forum/t-14265762/the-end-of-the-world-s#post-
