RCPA tale: Day in the life
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/pandora-s-jar
Its under the tab "Day in the life: part 1"
RCPA tale: Day in the life
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» RCPA tale: Day in the life
Summary:
was inspried by some HL:2 Beta stuff and came up with this concept rather quickly after bouncing ideas off of people like mark in lore coordination. Was gonna make it
There are those " " symbols everywhere. I am not sure if they are visible to you as well, but they are very annoying.
the familiar smell of oil suddenly hit his nose as he attempted to get out of bed, knowing his crew was on rotation this week.
“Fokin' ell the waves were a bit tougher this night, eh?”
“Ey! We cannae talk about that…”
He caught that small bit of the conversation before bursting into the mess hall.
The few workers on his left looked to Joe
“Thank the stars I had a spare “to go box’”.
Make sure to capitalize all further "I"s.
Soon as he thought about it, it was up.
This makes some sense, but the wording is a bit akward.
with a little *click*.
Is this supposed to be bolded?
He started walking to the leaking doorway and turned on his flashlight.
Sometimes, he’d pass through some broken rooms and see a claw mark or a bullet hole visible on the walls.
Every room’s location within the factory changed every time he came through these backrooms, sometimes these rooms were recognisable.
This sentence is not formed correctly. Consider adding "but", since you are contrasting two opposite clauses (basically: the rooms within the factory always change, but the room within the factory are sometimes recognizable).
- Make sure to fix the way in which sentences connect.
- Sometimes, you need to separate a sentence into two.
- Sometimes, you need to use proper conjugation to mix two sentences together.
- There is also an issue with capitalizations.
- Every letter at a beginning of a sentence has to be capital.
- "I" has to be capital.
- I hope you solve the " " issue. If you cannot see it, that's a shame, since those annoying symbols made getting through this text really unappealing.
those blasted symbols
Have no idea why they're there on your end but i see nothing on mine.
Wish i knew what it was too
But thanks for the feedback
Promised I would crit this last year, finally getting around to it. Sorry for taking like ten years to sit down and do this thing, I hope this thorough-going critique makes up for the time I've left you waiting.
I feel like the PA announcements should be in quotations, otherwise it's confusing as to whether it's someone talking or something being described. The italics on it is probably fine to have with the quotations.
Joe woke up to the announcement, the familiar smell of oil suddenly hitting his nose as he attempted to get out of bed.
This sentence is a little confusing because the tensing is all over the place, you have it start passively with "woke up" but then the next part has something "suddenly hitting" him in the present tense before going back to the passive tense to with "attempted to get out of bed." It might be better phrased as:
Waking up to the announcement, rising from bed, Joe's nose detects the stinging scent of oil.
He knew his crew was on rotation this week.
Generally, it doesn't work well to start off a sentence with a pronoun. Maybe "Joe's crew was on rotation this week…" and then add on the next sentence:
He moved gradually, one leg out of his bed, then the next one.
to make:
Joe's gradually swings his legs out of his bed, recalling that his crew was rotating in this week.
I think my restated sentences need work, but you see how the active tense makes them immediately more engaging.
Slowly, rose his hunched torso up.
This is a bad sentence fragment and doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
He was sweating in his sleep again and bitterly wiped the now cold sweat off his forehead.
Once again we see the passive tensing, I think this could be better stated as:
Standing now, Joe reflexively wipes the bitter cold sleeping-sweats off his forehead.
The nightmare was the same as ever, the revolving door in the dark void was there.
Another sentence with mixed tensing, maybe rephrase it as The same nightmare every night, the revolving door in the dark void since the "was there" at the end is pretty superfluous.
He saw someone walking out of it, a lovely bright young girl in some summer dress.
Starting a sentence with a pronoun. Perhaps Someone is walking out of it…
He recognised her, but he didn’t know her.
Sentence fragment.
When he went to talk to her the world suddenly grew bright and flowers popped out of a field…It scared him and he would scream while she calmly talked to him.
This is a run-on sentence, there are too many "and's" and you're treating an ellipses as a sentence break when it isn't appropriate to use it as such here. It's also just generally muddled and I'm unsure as to what scene is being described here. This might be appropriate for a dream but cleaning up the structure would probably make it flow better with the rest of the article.
He never heard what she was saying.
Sentence fragment.
The screaming overtook everything he could hear, even when he closed his mouth it filled his mind and ears.
Passive and active tensing are mixed here, I think Screaming overtook everything in his hearing even through closed clenching teeth it kept filling his mind and ears.
KRRRRZZZT
I think these should also be italicized to make it clear it's a PA announcing the voice.
Venerable workers. [Maintenance] is needed in [Sector] [A]-[5].
This should be in quotations so it's more clear that it's a voice coming through the PA system.
The repeat of the announcement froze him back to reality, back to his vision.
This sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, if he's coming back to reality wouldn't it make sense to describe him as being un-frozen? Also, the tensing here is passive tense.
Joe realised he was looking at his decayed feet, what remained of his toes were blackened and rotted to the point they were more bone than flesh.
This would be more effective with active tensing, saying the feet are decaying, blackening, rotting until they were more bone than flesh.
He gave a small gulp and steadied his nerves.
This is a good understated reaction to what you've just described, I like it.
No time to think about that, he needed to get ready.
A human reaction if there ever was one. I like this too. It would be better if it had active rather than passive tensing though.
He quickly rose from the bunk bed and quickly got his clothes on while trying not to look at his own body, but the blackened necrotic clumps was a stark contrast to the pale of his skin.
Another run-on sentence, also the repetition of "quickly" here is bad. Also, the sentence starts off with a pronoun. I would either break this up into multiple sentences or summarize it.
He just tried to whistle the work song to take his mind off of it all.
Passive tensing when active tensing would be more effective.
Shirt on, coat on, overcoat, thermal pants, work pants, work socks, work boots.
This is a good way to write this, I might even add a little note of detail on some of his articles of clothing to slip in some characterizing about Joe.
Finally, he covered his blackened fingertips with gloves and left the dormitory to grab something quick to eat.
Another use of "quick" in the same paragraph.
Joe ran through the slim halls, quickly passing by some other workers, just coming back from the night shift. “Fokin' ell the waves were a bit tougher this night, eh?”
Good that this sentence uses more active tensing, but it's not clear who is speaking here.
“Nah it was pretty much the same, maybe your leg’s just wasted away a bit there pal”
Unclear who's speaking, but this is a good line.
“Ey! We cannae talk about that…”
Again, good line it would be better if it were more clear who was speaking.
KRRRRZZZT
Venerable workers. [Maintenance] is needed in [Sector] [A]-[5].
See my prior note on the announcements.
> He caught that small bit of the conversation before bursting into the mess hall.
Starting a sentence off with a pronoun, it would be better to identify these are snippets he's overhearing before because as stated it's unclear who is speaking and it's more important to know that information before they speak than after.
The few workers still finishing thier meals looked to Joe, and he quickly excused himself and ran to the food counter.
Typo, "thier" also using "and" after a comma is bad.
The chef was eyeballing him as he approached. “Sleep in again ey Joe?”
Mix of active and passive tensing here.
“So sorry about that, had a horrible sleep. The others just left?”
I think adding a little bit of action onto this line would make it better, right now it's our first time really seeing Joe speak to another character so it would be a good time to introduce some body language stuff to show a little more about him.
The chef gave a nod “Thank the stars I had a spare “to go box’”.
Passive tensing again, maybe have the chef nodding. Also, the double-layered quotations here are unnecessary, you could just have him say "Thank the stars I had a spare to-go box."
The chef lifted his meaty hand and in it sat a small piece of food wrapped in plastic.
Passive tensing again, it's also not clear here that the chef is hanging Joe his meal.
Joe quickly grabbed the “to go box” and ran out of the mess hall.
To-go box would be better not in quotations, this sentence is also using passive tensing.
The chef called out to him “Ya better have some real food soon!” Joe quickly shouted back “It’s just maintenance!”
Passive tensing in this sentence is especially pronounced as you're trying to have this running dialogue exchange but it kind of falls flat because everything is being described using past-tense and not present-tense so it's weird to read because it's seeming to happen in the present but using language as though it were something that happened in the past.
KRRRRZZZT
Venerable workers. [Maintenance] is needed in [Sector] [A]-[5].
See previous note on the announcements.
Joe finally arrived at the suit room.
Passive-tense sentence fragment.
Everyone else was fully prepped with their hazmat suits and gas masks.
Passive tensing here again.
Joe was still chewing as he entered the door.
Mix of active and passive tensing.
“Finally! Joe hurry the fuck up we were supposed to be there 5 minutes ago!”
Unclear who is supposed to be speaking here.
“So sorry! I-I’ll be a minute!”
Unclear who is speaking here, although it's probably Joe right? Still could be clearer and also would make sense to append some action of Joe doing stuff.
KRRRRZZZT
Venerable workers. [Maintenance] is needed in [Sector] [A]-[5].
See my prior note on the announcements.
Joe got quickly suited up and fitted his mask on.
Passive tensing here.
The rest of his team were waiting by the door.
I feel like this is a missed opportunity to introduce these characters more fully, wouldn't Joe be recognizing them at this point and asking for them to catch him up on what he missed since his being late is the driving motivating force behind the story so far?
When he finally approached they all started jogging to the wires.
I thought he was already there so having him seemingly approach his team twice is confusing, also this uses passive tensing. On top of that, "jogging to the wires" is such a vague way to describe what's going on, I'm kind of lost as to where they all are or what is actually happening at this moment.
As they pushed past the doors, the rainy morning finally hit Joe.
It doesn't make sense to describe the morning as being the thing that hits joe, you mix active and passive tensing here. This is also essentially a sentence fragment.
He subconsciously acknowledged the train, huffing and puffing with its plume of smoke coming from its stack.
Mix of active and passive tensing here, also starting a sentence off with a pronoun is bad.
That same train would take them back by the end of the shift, but the wonder of an anomalous train and tracks lost its lustre after the first few hundred trips up.
This is extremely confusing, last I understood they were in a suit room so moving onto suddenly being on a train means I am well and truly adrift as a reader. I also think "luster" is spelled incorrectly here.
He instead had his attention stuck to the cliffside, a mere hundred or so meters away from the living quarters.
Starting off with a pronoun, mixing active/passive tense, still massively unclear where Joe is, who is with him, or what they're doing.
The bottom of the cliff was a long way down, but you didn’t need to be at the edge to see the peaks of the factory.
Passive tensing, also still massively unclear what is going on.
Smaller smokestacks peeked out of the tops of roofs, all dwarfed by the large electricity towers that ran power wires from the top of the cliff to the bottom, the cranes that stood large and rusted and the one giant satellite dish that sat in the middle of the factory, off kilter, cracked in some places with small sparks coming off of sections every now and again.
Run-on sentence with passive tensing, clean this up and it will be a nice bit of description. But it still doesn't fix that the path we took to get here was massively confusing and disorienting for the reader.
A massive metal floor housed everything visible, the rails, the buildings.
Repeating my comments about already having lost my bearings and this doing nothing to help me re-establish them.
All over there were giant gashes in it, some buildings were uprooted from their spots and many were at slightly off angles and partially underwater.
Passive tense, cool imagery, still completely lost. It's not even clear if we're still seeing this from Joe's POV.
Only one massive building stood fully out of the water, a mass of rope and metal wires snaking from the top of the cliff to it.
Mix of active and passive tensing.
Joe quickly slipped his harness on, fastening the ropes and clipping it onto a metal wire. He looked at the crew, who signalled back. “Radios on!”
What harness? It feels like we're being constantly trucked through different scenes already in progress ever since Joe joined the rest of his team in the room. Starting with "approaching the wires" it is completely unclear what is going on or how any of it is related to anything else. This is a massive failure of storytelling because the reader will have at this point completely lost the plot. Things are just floating by with no rhyme or reason.
Joe fumbled to get his out his pocket, but in a few seconds the knob was dialled in and radios were attached to the shoulder mount. “Ready boys? 3, 2, 1….”
Typo for "dialed" it's also still unclear what's going on.
GO
Why isn't this in quotations if it's part of the dialogue?
The wind and water suddenly rushed past Joe as his crew all flew down the lines towards the factory.
Now they're dropping in? Things are underwater? What are the 'lines' they're on? Every sentence is raising new questions without explaining anything that came before.
This was the one time Joe enjoyed himself, feeling the rush, the cold air, not needing to move his aching foot.
This is inconsistent with what came before, when you said both of his feet were rotting. Also, this sentence mixes active and passive tensing.
He knew he had a minute to enjoy this before he had to go to work.
Passive tensing.
And in what felt like an instant, it was over.
Always bad to start off a sentence with "and" this also is using passive tensing.
Slowing down on the zip-line, he came to a short stop on the arrivals platform alongside the rest of his crew.
This is the first we've seen it described as a zip-line, now they're on a train arrival platform. This sentence also mixes active and passive tensing.
They were all clocking in and talking about what the problem could be.
This is a good conversation to let the rest of the audience in on.
Joe quickly excused himself and activated his punchcard, looking at the time he might get a mark against luxury privileges this week but he didn’t mind.
This is just more strangeness to show we have no idea what's going on. It seemed like they were going on a mission to infiltrate this place but now they're clocking in to work? There's no rhyme or reason for any of this, nothing has been explained and I still have no idea who these characters are, why they are here, or what their relationship is other than being on some sort of "team".
That Rubik’s cube was giving him enough trouble to last a month.
I don't understand what he means by this.
After punching in, he turned to his crew and they all hooked their harnesses to the guard rails and began walking on the rusty makeshift platforms.
Mix of active and passive tensing.
The platforms all groaned a creaked as the rain pelted down a bit harder.
Unclear as to what's going, the rain is being mentioned intermittently and the train platform is not clearly described for the reader to be able to visualize it.
I don't think I can really critique the story fairly from here and I find I'm repeating the same things over and over again, so I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. There are three big problems with this story:
Writing: There is a rampant mix of active and passive tensing, as well as the occasional typo. It's unclear who is speaking when dialogue happens. It's unclear when and why we leave or return to Joe's POV. There are a lot of run-on sentences and sentence fragments. Overall, the writing is muddled and lacking in detail while also making errors.
Characters: While I enjoy Joe as a character, the fact that there are no other named characters makes dialogue difficult to follow. The only other person Joe has a meaningful interaction with is the Chef at the beginning of the story, even then their interaction is muddled. Keep things to Joe's POV and let him tell the reader about the people he sees, or have an omniscient narrator and name everyone. Right now its the worst of both worlds.
Setting: It's unclear where the characters are at any given moment after Joe enters the suit room. Even then, beforehand, Joe's surroundings were not well described. Throughout the writing it is unclear where anyone is, why they're there, or what they're doing there.
Rambling final thoughts:
Joe as a character has my sympathy, he seems to be a pretty sad-sack kind of guy. I don't know a lot about him other than that he seems to be pretty passive and conflict-averse.
The story as it is being told is a complete mess. There's no real cohesion as to anything that is happening. The action is extremely muddled, the reader is lacking key details they need for following the action. Nothing makes sense, nothing seems to be connected to anything that comes before, sentence-to-sentence things seemed to be disconnected and all over the place.
After arriving in the room we kind of leave Joe's POV and float through a landscape that Joe is in without it ever being clear how he got there, who he is with, or why they are there. Apparently he's with a team of people but so far there isn't a single named character we've seen other than Joe, so we don't know what his relationship to these people are beyond being on the same team, what their mission is, anything.
The imagery that's there is nice but it needs to have connecting tissue if it's going to have any impact beyond being neat-sounding descriptions.
My understanding of the story so far: Joe wakes up, discovers his body is decomposing, tries to ignore it, walks past a group of people who point out he's rotting, goes to a chef he knows who gives him food, joins his team, they go for some wires, there's a train, they're passing by landscapes and scenery, then they say 3-2-1-go and do… something like a job?
This story is almost completely incoherent and I have trouble understanding who the characters are, what is happening, where they are, when they're doing things, and why any of it is happening. This needs serious cleanup before there can be any more nuanced critique than that.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
/forum/t-14263213/rcpa-tale:day-in-the-life#post-
