Not my article, uploaded on behalf of Dattop. I think it's pretty good.
I think this is a good article and one of my favorites so far. It's simple to the point, and isn't over an hour-long or uses heavy accents. I know you thought you were too informal, but you honestly hit a nice balance and I think overall it's really good.
My only complaint is that I think the twist is too subtle. i get that its suppose to be turning people into gold, but it the trace amounts of calcium might go over some people's heads.
FILL OUT EXPLAINING HOW FILE WAS OBTAINED AND FILL OUT CONTAINMENT LEAD AND IMPORTANT PERSONNEL
:face_with_raised_eyebrow:
First-hand accounts are seldom heard of, due to the lethality of the creature;
Remove comma
Muskets have proven to be unsatisfactory against the creature. Dynamite, however, has seen some success at disorienting the beast.
By the 1880s muskets were waaaay outdated.
Suggest replacing "the beast" -> "it"
From limited descriptions, its face
"From limited descriptions, it is gathered that its face…"
said burrow being a complex, cave-like system with gold lining areas of the cave.
"complex, cave-like system lined with gold"
spider-like physique, being able to toss grown men with one arm, impale a man's torso with one of its arm-like appendages
effectively both of these say "with one arm". suggesting change:
"being able to toss grown men and impale their torso with one of its arm-like appendages"
with the only survivor waking up outside the burrow, saved by one of the previous natives.
remove "previous"
Twelve men, all armed with muskets were sent to accompany two (2) miners
the number (#) thing is pretty unnecessary and inconsistently used. I suggest just removing it.
It is currently believed that one
I don't see the need for "currently believed" here. You can just state, no speculation needed.
Further study has reported unholy screeching noises emanating within the now sealed burrow; meaning the beast had survived.
suggest replacing everything after "meaning" with "a sure sign of its survival."
Currently, Ikto'Ai requires no transport nor containment due to recent events regarding its burrow
remove everything after "containment"
one should like for any abnormalities; such as a corpse on the ground and/or marks on the ground implying something or someone heavy had been dragged further inward.
"one should like"?
Under no circumstance is one to enter the burrow of Ikto'Ai without direct permission from Sir Mose Currie himself, lest they wish to perform an assisted suicide.
this should probably be in the Hunting Guide
The future study has been approved by both the Protectorate as well as the Axton-Hornsby Exploration Society.
Remove "the"
Once one does set up camp near the burrow of Ikto'Ai, it is recommended to have a vial of smelling salts on your person at all times, as well as a knife in case one is to be caught unexpectedly by Ikto'Ai.
If possible, setting up traps, such as a string of bottles/cans in the front of the burrow to make noise; as Ikto'Ai is a quiet predator despite its size. Subduing the beast seems to be currently unavailable at the moment, yet if one were to somehow acquire a subdued Ikto'ai, one would need several meters of rope for each leg as well as a large knot to tie them together, followed by a large, well-lit carriage, as Ikto'Ai has been reported to show an aversion to fire.
All of this has either been said already, or should be moved to the Hunting Guide.
- A written report by Expedition Lead James Poller, regarding the containment of RPC-407.
RPC-407 -> ANOMALIE OBSCURA No.407
Suggest removing the quotes.
Regardless, given the information and technology at our disposal now, RPC-407 is currently in containment
"Regardless, given updated information and technology advancements at our disposal, RPC-407 has been successfully contained."
This small document is a pretty disappointing ending: very little is given in terms of how it was contained, what new discoveries have been made, and just how we currently understand it. I suggest instead extending into a full blown update to the doc with relevant additions rather than cutting it so short.
Regardless, I have high hopes for this RPC in seeing the financial potential that our forebearers once did.
I don't get this. Why are they focusing on the RPC when there was far more interest on the cave? I also realize we don't really have an impression of how much gold the cave has in it. I suggest at least adding some estimations to help understand why the modern Authority would be so interested in it. Potential Budget Cuts link here, too!
It should be noted that gold samples collected from the original burrow of RPC-407, as well as new samples acquired in containment, contain trace amounts of Calcium and Iron, despite said minerals not being present in either its original burrow or its containment chamber.
Maybe rephrase to:
"It should be noted that samples collected from RPC-407's original burrow contain substantial calcium and iron impurities. These impurities are exclusive to the gold formations: no significant trace of either mineral has been found in its surroundings."
Iron is also a weird choice. Around 90% of the human body is made out of carbon, phosphorus, calcium and oxygen (among others, I probably forget).
I also perceive that the theme of greed leading to death is missing an awesome potential twist: these impurities make the gold much less valuable than we thought. So not only does the gold get made from the bodies of greedy men trying to steal it, it was never worth damn near anything in the first place.
To better play with that theme I also suggest removing the weird mind control aspect the burrow has. Simply chalking it up to man's natural attraction to gold would be way better.
A quality article all around, I did not see any outstanding issues with this current draft. Just as a reader, I suppose I would have wanted more explanation on why the Ikito-Ai exists. Maybe there's some Native American Lakota story explaining what it is, just some background to try and understand what exactly this monster is.
I would have liked to see more information about the modern day Authority discovering the calcium and iron deposits - I feel like this is hinting at something but I don't get a sense of what the significance is. EDIT: Oh I get it now. Yeah, the twist might be a little too subtle here like what Televisionist said. I also agree with Almarduk's critique that a really good twist would be the gold being impure.
I suppose I would also have enjoyed reading a personal log of the Exploration Society surviving member engaging the creature and losing, just to put some more action in the article. Also like Almarduk, I think the mind-control aspect is somewhat underexplored, so this could be an opportunity to demonstrate this ability more clearly.
document as
"document, as"
"Ikto'Ai"1 cannot
""Ikto'Ai"1, cannot"
cannot be, nor should
"cannot nor should be"
First-hand accounts are seldom heard of, due to the lethality of the creature; any encounter with the creature should be avoided at all costs.
Suggestion: "First-hand accounts are seldom heard of due to the lethality of the creature, therefore any encounter should therefore be avoided at all costs."
If you are to encounter Ikto'Ai, its speed proves to escape impossible even by horse.
Suggestion: "If you should encounter Ikto'Ai, its speed would prove impossible to escape even by horse."
one other in the group should apply their smelling salts to the other's
Little repetitive, reword a bit.
group, facing
"group; facing"/"group - facing"/"group. Facing"
exhume
Think you meant "exude"
gold lining
"gold-lined"
only that only
Repetitive phrasing
had been seemingly
"had seemingly"
setting up
"set up"
sorta monster
What does he mean by this?
Nyctophobia
Footnote what this is.
1. Pronounced"Ick-toe-Eye".
Missing space
believed
"Believed to be"
upward
Missing period.