This article has a couple issues that I think are not making me enjoy it as much as I should for the base concept. An anomalous gang is a great idea, and those parts of the draft describing them are well done and their weapons are well done. I would have really liked to see all of them covered in-depth like you do for Deep Dave.
I know this is the old West and all, but some of the people's accents are kind of borderline parody at times like Old Willy, but that's a minor issue. The big problem is that the story doesn't really go anywhere. We interview two people who encounter the gang, but we don't really learn anything that new about them we can't already figure out from the description. They're also kind of slow and not as action-packed as I think they should be.
Because the Authority only interviewed people after their attacks ended, there's no surprise over the outcome. They just feel like run-of-the-mill criminals, and that doesn't seem quite right to me. Yeah they take down a bank vault door, but that's literally all we get from the impact of their anomalous powers.
I also didn't find Lavoe's interview at the end to be very enjoyable. It's just him going up against the gang and then encountering the Pale Rider, who I don't think was even mentioned before this log. The issue is there's no resolution here to the story - even the document author is just like what am I supposed to do with this? The story just doesn't lead anywhere, and that's pretty much my issue with this article.
Maybe I just completely missed something, but that's my critique. I really like the concept, but I think the execution is just kind of bland when it doesn't need to be. I would like to see like an actual confrontation recorded: guns-blazing somewhere between the gang and the Authority (besides just 1 guy like with Lavoe's story). Let's see how dangerous these guys can be, have some bodies start dropping. I think that could be a way to make the article more exciting.
Now your questions:
- Gang: Best part of the article.
- Interviews: Both interviews kind of drag with worldbuilding that doesn't really add to the the overall narrative.
- Pale Rider: As a character, I guess he's fine. He kind of monologues a bit that takes away from his mystique, but some of his lines are cool.
Good luck with New Frontier! I think even if this draft doesn't work for me, it's still worth submitting for the event. More feedback from the community is always beneficial.
priority.
But don’t try to play the hero
Not sure if this is missing a line space or the last sentence is meant to go along with the first paragraph.
our most
Suggestion: "our more"
creatures. Believing
"creatures, believing"
Otherwise the second sentence is incomplete.
to make sounds of these rumors
I don't know what this means.
infeasible
unfeasible
for they have naught
Huh?
forth to the
Suggestion: "onto the"
While a hilarious thought at first
Little immersion-breaking
incompenet
incompetent
Nei
Do you mean "Nay?"