(account deleted) 30 Sep 2021 18:27
Solid, fun article. 4 stars.
GRP-144 — "Planet at War" / Discussion
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This is the discussion related to the wiki page GRP-144 — "Planet at War".
(account deleted) 30 Sep 2021 18:27
Critique Thread: http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-14208121/planet-at-war
Reviewed by: Mr Makor, and
TomatointheMirror.
Loved the article, it is really well put-together. There are times where the clinical tone is outstanding. The second to last paragraph of the description, which is a run-on sentence, takes a nose dive in clinical tone and I'm thinking there are numerous unintentional errors there ("single-circular" —> "single-cellular"; "organelle" —> "organelles", the word "developed" should follow "organelles" and the sentence should develop from there, etc). You're missing a capitalization at the start of one sentence ('…acidification-resistant writing material. with much…"). I also recommend footnoting the scientific names in the 2nd addendum.
Nice catches! I am not sure how it got past me and 2 other people.
Very cool article! I really dig the concept of an anomalous war-species planet. The description of the different species and the planet survey was really good in how it logically explains the origins of life on this planet and creates an immersive experience for the reader. I think you could add more climatological information and species examples, like bird-equivalents or any aquatic species that might have evolved to survive the acidic water. I also really enjoyed the archeological section and the different artifacts and murals that were found there.
I was left a bit confused though about the GRP-144-1-ε species, as I feel like the fact they're humans is a significant detail that isn't really explained in the article. Why were these humans randomly dropped off on this planet? Is there any connection between them and the archaeological ruins? It feel like I'm missing a part of the story or something. That's my only real critique, otherwise I'd love to see more examples and perhaps illustrations to accompany them too.
The hazard-types and general properties section appears jumbled together on my screen. I'd check with one of the site coders on the RPC Discord to see if there's a way to fix that.
not to be introduced to and allowed to reproduce
"neither to be introduced nor allowed to reproduce"
The majority of the life cycle of organisms affected by GRP-144…consists of engaging in semi-organized warfare with other species.
Suggestion: "Organisms affected by GRP-144 typically spend the majority of their life cycle engaging in semi-organized warfare with other species."
Combat between subspecies has been noted prior but is considered an outlier.
Suggestion: "Combat between subspecies has been observed in the past, but it is considered to be an outlier behavior."
the said combat
Delete "the"
survival
Add "a" or "any" in front.
is performed more as a form of social requirements necessary for the organism's mental health.
Make it more clinical in tone: "is often conducted to meet social requirements necessary for an organism's psychological wellbeing."
warfare and shooting pieces of condensed fibrous proteins at high velocity developed
"warfare, and shooting pieces of condensed fibrous proteins at high velocity, developed."
This is often accompanied by a brain capable of performing advanced calculations through the star's location to angle their shots in an artillery-like fashion.
A bit confusingly worded. What do you mean they use the star's location?
It must be noted that the said water is acidic due to the high concentration of hydrochloric acid formed on account of the chlorine-rich atmosphere, having an average pH of 4.5.
Suggestion: "It is important to note that the water in question is acidic, with an average pH of 4.5, due to the high concentration of hydrochloric acid created by the chlorine-filled atmosphere. "
the high level
"high levels"
tends to be clay-like
Suggestion: "is generally composed of clay-like sediment."
The said clay is rarely abundant in minerals due to the dissolution of clay minerals in acidic conditions, sparking fierce competition between the species of flora.
Suggestion: "Due to a scarcity of minerals caused by the acidic conditions, the different species of flora compete fiercely over the limited nutrients available."
Proboscidea Order
It would be helpful to footnote what each scientific name refers to.
I love the detailed yet vivid clinical tone presented here. A lot of the species and archeological descriptions were easy and fun to image! I also like how this started a little search what the explosive scale of 42 TJ would be like.
5 stars.
/forum/t-14212021/grp-144-planet-at-war#post-