Typos and Such:
and he knew they were fake.
Dunno why but "fake" sounds kinda… bland in the sentence. Maybe something more like what's on the end of the paragraph
gotten there- only that it
Please use em dashes (—)
had entered the forgetful fog with every other memory.
had entered the forgetful fog in which his every memory resided (I think it sounds better)
quest for… Something important
decapitalize "Something" (same with all instances where this happen after an ellipses)
Telling me might, jog my memory
comma seems unnecessary
you create me
you mean "created"?
"What you called it."
missing question mark?
forced to be some… Lie, like
would replace the comma with a period
EnglishEnglish would've been easier to fight. The NotEnglishEnglish
I would hyphen them (English-English / Not-English-English)
even then noting her feigned interest for the workman's tools.
"noting her feigned interest" sounds kinda odd
with a light pshhh as they went
I would put pshhh in quotes
Overall Crit:
I agree with Rota that the intro is kinda boring. And I think it kinda lacks in prose, at least when compared to the rest of the tale.
Also, you could use the NF theme ;)
Thoughts:
Damn nigga, this shit was GOOD
I really don't have any major complains about it, it was a really great read with good pacing. Loved it to bits.
