I don't know if it's got something to do with the format, but the tone here is overdramatic in a way that repeatedly takes me out of the article. The two accounts were decent, and the article does give a good picture of what Dream Towns are like, but it takes a long time to get there.
I know this is a very radical suggestion, but I don't think the idea gels all that well with the format and I think it would work better as a tale, either fully fleshing out the story presented in the two statements or using them as exposition to set up a third encounter.
If you encounter a Dream-Town, then proceed to do the following:
Do not enter the Dream-Town
The "do the following" contradicts the subsequent "do not". Suggest entirely rephrasing and doing away with the bullet point list.
A Dream-Town named Nightsky.
That is a ridiculously small image.
The reality of Dream-Towns are extremely abnormal
What does this mean? It doesn't seem to make grammatical sense.
You’ll find yourself walking in circles and finding yourself deeper within these towns.
Suggestion: "you'll find yourself walking in circles and digging deeper into the center of the town"
Dream-Towns are inhabited by all the people that have been trapped within the Dream-> Towns.
"Individual Dream-Towns are all inhabited by people that have been trapped within as the Sun rose, or were apprehended by the Sheriff."
Mayors are the only known way to escape a Dream-Town.
Suggest removing this, it's said later on and disrupts the sentence.
For four days and four nights, I had been tracking it while it had been tracking it.
Suggest rephrasing, I don't get this.
I stayed away from the town. Its residents and the man-shaped being stayed within the confines of the town, observing me. As the sun rose, I realized I had been standing still facing the town for hours. I turned away from the town to take a swig of rum. The moment I turned back to face the town, it was gone. Not only this, but the surrounding area had altered into a form to indicate that there was never a town to begin with.
Way too many mentions of "town" here. Try to avoid them or use euphemisms.
Current focus is to eliminate the Dream-Town phenomenon before it can take anyone from our world.
Implies that no one has been taken yet, which contradicts the prior part
The Sheriff strode up to them as casually as a monster in the shape of a person could.
"as casually as only a" seems better
jumped off my horse and unloaded my revolver into the Mayor. I don’t know which shot hit the Mayor and not do I care, as the Mayor plummeted down.
too many "Mayor"s
"which shot" -> how many shots
I agree with Tomatointhemirror, this article does feel overdramatic at points. I felt that the main issue is basically the concept comes across as under-developed. Why is the mayor the only human person? Who are the townspeople supposed to be? Why is the sheriff some disturbing monster? Is this how Dream-Towns worked in the Native American era?
The accounts are pretty interesting, although the last one goes on a little too long for my liking, but it's just that the mechanics of Dream Towns aren't explored at all. How does the Authority know killing the mayor stops the Dream Town in the first place? Was there a Native American Chief in charge before Mayors?
These are all questions that popped up to me as I was reading the article, and so I think this draft needs to develop these ideas more. I'd still encourage you to submit for New Frontier, as more community feedback will help to clarify some of the issues better.
wild, than
No comma needed.
shine, this
"shine; this"
towns. Distances
"towns: distances"
cat and mouse
"cat-and-mouse"
to add my life to the list of those this beast has claimed
I get what this is saying, but maybe rephrase this part to be more clear
Do not be mistaken for I am not writing about this Beast for I believe it to be gone for good.
Suggestion: "Do not be mistaken, for I am not writing about this Beast - that creature I believe is gone for good."
from the and had been observing
Missing word
At some point I decided to close my eyes to rest and awoke to make another observation on the town from a distance
Suggestion: "At some point, I decided to close my eyes to rest. When I awoke, I continued observing the town from a distance "
it had been bored with
"it was bored with"
this newly revealed opportunity revealed to me
we approached the entrance. The entrance to the Jailhouse
as I lay there on the ground. As I laid there
These lines are repetitive
Children
Lowercase
We observed it could only describe it
What?
from the rapidly
Did you mean "from there rapidly"?
but my attempts to exit Cliffedge would have me back in front of the Jailhouse.
So does he try to escape first, or is this just him thinking it wouldn't work?
As I rode the
"As I rode, the"
As I witness this I
" As I witness this, I"