http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/jokezmhacker
Mind the URL name.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/jokezmhacker
Mind the URL name.
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
Let's do it.
Containment Procedures:
All instances of RPC-758 must be tattoed with Videric sigils.
That's cool and is barely touched upon beyond the footnote! How can viderics be sigils?
Classical and gospel church music are played nonstop in its chamber to tranquilize them. Docile instances are to be contained in a standard humanoid compartment cell to cut costs.
"…are played continuously in its chamber for tranquilization purposes." I don't think they'd say "to cut costs". Either replace that part or cut it out.
Feeding will be done once per week via a shielded CSD-class personnel wearing the AHA3 “Holy Armor” system. Once RPC-758 is done feeding off of the CSD-class, the personnel is to be given proper psychological diagnosis and treatment immediately.
Cut out "a shielded", doesn't fit grammatically and doesn't necessarily make sense since the AHA3 is the shield. Unless you meant "is shielded by the AHA3 which doesn't work anyways. Would they even trust a CSD with that suit given how ridiculously expensive they are? I say you change it to an ASF officer.
"Once RPC-758 is done feeding off of the CSD class…"
This sounds like the RPC ate the one in the AHA3, so I'd change it a bit.
…the personnel is to be given proper psychological diagnosis and treatment immediately.
"The personnel must report for immediate psychological diagnosis and possible treatment if necessary."
All personnel stationed at RPC-758 must practice good hygiene and a consistently healthy diet.
I'd say "follow strict hygienic and dietary practices," sounds more clinical and less subjective like "good" and "healthy". I'm a hypocrite though, since "healthy work environment" works fine.
A specialized Leptosiderine drug was made
Was developed.
Media and products that may shallowly be considered "satanic" are banned. Strictly prohibited contents include but are not limited to:
I'd remove shallowly.
Music in the rock and other similar genres.
Music in the metal and other similar genres.
Music in rock and other similar genres, music in metal and other similar genres. The "the" there doesn't fit.
All R-rated movies.
"Any films depicting acts of violence, substance abuse, usage of profanity or sexual content," the R-rating only exists in the US and its territories and I imagine even if it was worldwide it's better for the Authority to be more specific.
etc.
I'd say "expanded list available upon request" or anything besides just "etc".
Description:
Although RPC-758 appears anatomically similar to humans, their biology is completely different from any organism found within the non-anomalous world.
Their biology "differs wildly" or something along those lines. "Completely different" doesn't really work here. Not a huge deal if it stays, but just seemed off.
RPC-758 are invisible to the naked eye, visible through Videric class drugs, sigils tattoos, and rituals.
I'd say "invisible to the naked eye, but can be viewed via Videric class drugs…etc."
Also missing a comma between sigils and tattoos, or you should remove the second s from sigils to say "sigil tattoos". Better yet, I'd say "tattooed sigils."
RPC-758 has have no digestive system, respiratory system, nor a reproductive system.
In its place, an intricate mass of what appears to be fat, sulfuric compound, and neuron cells takes its space, theorized to operate its metabolism.
Takes the place of all of that? Given how broad those three systems are I'd be more specific, but this is a minor nitpick and I can't really say how you could better describe it.
RPC-758 gains sustenance through negative human emotions, gaining excess mass from it feeding through anomalous means. Different species of RPC-758 will prefer different emotional states to feed on, all of which revolve around human suffering.
Nice footnote, great description. Put a comma between emotions and gaining, though.
…become another valuable source of sustenance for the entities.
RPC-758 has have developed a diverse culture, prominently revolving around mischief and hatred towards humanity. Intellect-wise Intellectually, RPC-758 is found to be possess roughly human-level intelligence. IQ test results range estimate their intellect ranges from 50-70 points; though however, some outliers have demonstrated possessing an IQ point above 1██.
Despite its general lack of intellect a relatively low intelligence, RPC-758 instances demonstrate a substantially deep substantial understanding of complex thaumaturgic arts, especially particularly alchemy.
It can transfigure alchemic constructions (Sounds off, may need to reword) out of its own body parts, most of which exhibit minor anomalous properties. Another talent present within the entire genus is its sophisticated sigil composition a sophisticated understanding of sigil composition and creation, which they can use to brand intricate spells unto onto objects to exhibit anomalous properties.
RPC-758 are parasites dependant on humans to continue their life cycle. It starts its life cycle by searching for locating a human host.
Although preferences vary, RPC-758 chooses its host choose their hosts by their looks and not by their physical/mental attributes.
Looks and not physical/mental attributes? That's not super clinical and also doesn't make too much sense since, well, aren't looks a physical characteristic..?
Addenda:
Addendum-758-B1: Demonstorm Incident
The Demonstorm Incident. Also, please change that name to literally anything else, demonstorm sounds like a problem with your colon rather than an anomalous event.
They truly are disgusting creatures. Made in the image of Satan, they’re nothing but a perversion of mankind’s sin. They'd have no identity without humanity. They'd have no flesh without humanity. Hate. Fear. Suffering. Melancholy. Decay. All there is to their existence is pain.
In the end, all things will be well, and the children of Satan will crumble under God’s wrath. I pray that at the end of their torment, we will learn love. For Lucifer was once angel, as they were once man. Deep inside their darkened heart are virtues that once defined them. The tiny little angel sits on our shoulders to tell us stories of who they once were.
Remove the contractions, such as they're, in this context. Replace "All there is to their existence is pain." with something like "The sum total of their existence is pain, nothing more, nothing less.", maybe, idk.
This comment at the end just…doesn't really sit right with me. Seems more silly or edgy than a strong sendoff. I dunno.
Alright, I like it. As it stands it's 3, maybe 4 stars, but with a few corrections it'd be an easy 5, I love the images used.
This was a pretty awesome article overall. There are a couple parts that I think could use some improvement, mostly the interviews. I would've liked to see more interviews/interactions between the Authority and the other versions of the devilfolk, or just more information in general. The different devilfolk species are the strongest part of the article in my opinion.
For example, in Interview Log RPC-758-2-54-C1, we learn a little bit about their beliefs, but nothing we don't already know from the description. The one part that could be interesting, when the researcher asks "What is the ███ ████, and what was the purpose behind its ████████?" is completely redacted, so it sort of makes the whole interview pointless for readers.
I suggested in the critique section that you explore the Nihil beliefs of the devilfolk in more detail here. There is a lot of interesting things you could explain here in that interview, but currently it's not that engaging to read. It would also be interesting to know how these devilfolk celebrate. Since some do worship the Radiant Joy for instance, I think some details on their hedonistic side would be cool also. Maybe an exploration to one of their tribal villages showcases a Black Sabbath or something like that.
Good luck with the article, looking forward to this on mainsite!
tattoed
"tattooed"
salt. are played
Something is missing here
religious/spiritual items
What sorts of items? Jewelry, statues, beads?
The culture around sites containing RPC-758 must demonstrate a healthy work environment
How is the Authority supposed to actually maintain this?
Religious personnel are required to carry crucifixes if they are of the Christian faith, or a bottle of honey and water if they are of the Islamic faith; adequate knowledge of exorcism will be required.
Just those two faiths, in all Authority sites housing one of these anomalies?
Leptosiderine
Crosslink to the Viderics Guide
• Music in rock and other similar genres.
• Music in metal and other similar genres.
• Music in the Rap genre.
• Music in the blues genre.
You could just combine all of these into one restriction.
Although RPC-758 appears anatomically similar to humans, differs wildly from any organism found within the non-anomalous world.
The second clause of this sentence is incomplete.
RPC-758 are
"RPC-758 instances are"
tattooed signals
What is a tattooed signal?
RPC-758 have
"RPC-758 instances have"
RPC-758 will grow up like any other organism until it reaches adulthood at 7 years old.
Well not exactly like any other organism since they're still semi-incorporeal.
RPC-758
"RPC-758-A1"
evolutionary
Can it really be said they "evolve"?
Outdated information will be colored gray.
I would pick another color here.
There is no set defining characteristic for Red Goblins, which despite its name, comes in a diverse set of skin coloration
Maybe come up with a different name then, like Oni or something.
alright
"Alright"
You think I was fucking serious about answering your questions?
I legitimately laughed out loud here.
else
"or else"
Dr. Staggers: Then why do most of your kind worship Nihil instead of the Occult?
I thought the twist here was going to be that they were one of the same or something, that the God of Abraham is actually the Empty Monarch, and Satan is the regent king or something spooky.
List of alchemical RPC-758 constructions
List of RPC-758 sigil compositions
Uh these don't seem to be alchemy or sigil compositions. These just list weapons.
There is something on the Red Crusade page that lags the article on my computer. I think it might be the GD-WAR logo.
declares
"declared"
It's interesting, but I think you could just include the timeline and Numallia details in the normal article. The extra documents don't really add anything.
Despite its relatively low intellect
Remove its or replace by "their"
It can transfigure alchemical constructions out of its own body parts, most of which exhibit minor anomalous properties
Ditto
This merits a little more elaboration. Do they just believe in both faiths? Do they think God exists simultaneously with the Nihil deities? How do they reconcile these?
The names "Savage Redness" and "Radiant Joy" are more Authority terms for the deities. Individual cults use their own names and interpretations. Suggest adding something detailing (not necessarily past surface level) how they interpret them.
The Alder Elfs have become a useful ally to the Authority and other European agencies in the ███ against the Red Imps. Approximately █,000 anti-thaumaturgic weaponry were commissioned out of Alder Elf communities to aid us in our ███.
This sentence comes completely out of the blue and feels disjointed with the rest of the article because:
Most species are unaffected by the Abrahamic religion because they base their identity on Eastern Religions such as Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism and Confucianism.
What do you mean by unaffected? It hasn't been established at this point that Abrahamic religions interact in any special way with 758-1. One would expect the Alder Elves to not give a shit about religion and be more closely related to folk tales, for instance.
The PLASD has managed to ally themselves with many Red Goblin tribes, the success of their assimilation is still up to debate.
"The PLASD has managed to assimilate many Red Goblin tribes into their operations. The success of such collaborations are still up to debate."
The feminine “White Nymph” are a close genetic cousin to the Alder Elf species.
How exactly do they know this? By the time this document was written genetics are a really new field, and 758 is said to be sulfur-based rather than carbon-based.
Despite being non-euclidean
What do you mean by "non-euclidean"?
Dr. Staggers: Good morning RPC-758-1-33.
RPC-758-33: You again?
758-33 -> 758-1-33
Maybe just use "1-33" as a name
Dr. Staggers: You're part of the Nihil faith, aren't you?
Suggestion: instead of "Nihil", maybe they use some sort of unique denomination?
Addendum-758-A2: Anomaly Constructions
This section reads really awkwardly because the important description that introduces the existence of these weapons is buried in the description, a few thousand words before this point. Suggest either moving the relevant information down from the description, or moving the collapsibles up to the description.
[-] List of RPC-758 sigil-composite weapons
Redaction is a little excessive here.
T-34 tank
Maybe it's just me, but I find the idea of red imps inside tanks to be far too goofy. I realize there's some fun potential to introduce it as such and play it off as genuinely disturbing later, though.
The specific use of the Soviet tank made me roll my eyes a little.
I remember watching a mercury missile drop into an enemy formation and gasp as those men melt into molten iron.
Weren't missiles more of an air-to-air thing back then?
[LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE REQUIRED]
The content of this collapsible is fine, but the way it was put out felt really underwhelming. I think the unified format is a little to blame here — the intro from GD-EURA is nice, but he doesn't do a good job at portraying the event as impactful at all. Everything after this line:
This cycle reached a crescendo in January 30th, 1916, during the Erzurum offensive.
Feels really awkward in delivery and the degree to which everything is described in plain detail rather than letting me put the imagery together makes it hard to get invested. Some lines are really good though, so I think a mixed solution is preferable.
My suggestion for it: re-format GD-EURA's message as some sort of briefing log, maybe for an MST pursuing a nonspecific mission. Then you can cut to some kind of short clip (or series thereof, I'm not sure how powerful cameras from that time were. You can always just handwave some Authority-specific camera tech if need be) showing the actual scenery and event be. It'd be relatively easy to avoid describing the King in detail given shitty cam quality, and you can justify the entire thing as some sort of surveillance plane that happened to come by.
You could then pick it back up at "it reigned Earth". The briefing format would also give you the opportunity to show how EURA was emotionally hit by the circumstance, which in turn gives it a little more impact.
I know this is a really autistically specific suggestion and you really don't need to do any of this if you don't want to, but I really believe it'd be the best way to do it. This might be a fun source of inspiration.
Addendum-758-B2: The Red Crusade
I'm really not a huge fan of the idea of another WW2-era anomalous war, especially so close to the Austral War. The ending note is genuinely kickass, but it's undermined by GD-WAR's complete success. Maybe it'd be better to have the Red Crusade happen closer to GD-WAR's end as a Global Director (70s?), and have it be withdrawn partway through to better set up GD-EURA's end note. Could be played off as one of GD-WAR's last fuckups, eventually ending in his dismissal.
EDIT — FORGOT THE CONCLUSION LOL:
I like the overall image this paints but it ends up feeling far too disjointed for the size of the article. I get it's a big concept you're writing, but RPC-543 made a very smart decision in keeping the scope low while introducing the Howlers' presence in the universe.
That said, 758's portrayal as an alien enemy clearly draws a lot of influence from 543 and I don't really like it. I feel not enough focus is placed on the aspect of temptation and being taken through an evil path, in favor of more overt conflict. That part in EURA's note about their own men turning into devils should've been an overtone throughout the entire article — 758 leading humans down a bad path despite being considered completely stupid — instead of being reserved for an ending.
As it stands, I think the article starts out very strong but ends up meandering and doesn't really follow up on its thematic setups. It's still perfectly serviceable.