RCPA Tale: "The Clown and the Cop" (chapter 1)
RCPA Tale: "The Clown and the Cop" (chapter 1)
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» RCPA Tale: "The Clown and the Cop" (chapter 1)
A entertaining story, that I really enjoy, but is sadly plagued by grammar mistakes and weird phrasing/wording. Let's fix this (or at least the ones I found after my first and only reading).
Let's start with a nitpick regarding the image. I find it really distracting while I'm reading, and I'd recommend adding it has a footnote instead.
Later in the text, you tend to repeat " of course " a lot, even when it's unnecessary, for example:
"Of course, that was a shock to everyone"
"Not that he ever suspected of Lucas being a serial killer of course"
This works better :
"This came as a shock to everyone"
"Not that he ever suspected of Lucas being a serial killer"
I don't understand why you'd want to specify that the Authority didn't want to waste him and his talents twice:
"some goddamn puppet and the Authority didn't of course waste him. Bobo became a Protector, an important figure in the propaganda and of course, just like the Authority didn't waste his talent lie, he didn't waste the new power he was given."
I had to modify the text a bit, but this feels much better:
"some goddamn puppet that worked for the Authority. Bobo became a Protector, an important figure in the propaganda and of course, just like the Authority didn't waste his talent, he didn't waste the new power he was given."
This next issue, is a recurring one. You don't "fill" reports, you file reports. And in this case, this also applies for "fill those papers".
You can't say "we and you", "we" includes "you", so you've got three options:
"These unrighteous terrorists need to learn that we aren't afraid of them!"
or
"These unrighteous terrorists need to learn that you aren't afraid of them!"
or
"These unrighteous terrorists need to learn that you and I aren't afraid of them!"
"especially since that big fire of yesterday"
It's from yesterday:
"especially since that big fire from yesterday"
" A building suddenly gets on fire, you were in the nearby and you say you were just "passing by"!"
A building doesn't get fire, it catches on fire. Also the word while is very important here:
" A building suddenly caught fire, while you were nearby and you say, you were just "passing by"!"
"his laugh was full of mockery and sadism"
This should convey the same thing, I'd even say it amplifies it:
"a laugh thick with sadism and mockery"
"Where is him?"
Quick fix:
"Where is he?"
"Him who?"
If "him" was a name, this would have worked:
"Who?"
"The people once again made themselves hear"
Quick fix:
"The people once again made themselves heard"
"Where is him?"
If "him" was a name, this would have worked:
"Where is he?"
Small typo:
"Bob grinned."
"Bobo grinned."
"very two contrasting items"
Quick fix:
"two very contrasting items"
"in handy later or before"
Don't worry, it's a very common mistake when English isn't your first language:
"in handy sooner or later"
"moved their focus on their previous activities"
This is better and less clumsy:
"went back to what they where doing previously"
"Staying too out"
Quick fix:
"Staying out in the open for to long"
"the other Protectors had supported"
Quick fix:
"the other Protectores supported his"
"decided to not be collaborative"
You where looking for the word cooperate, not collaborative:
"refused to cooperate"
"they had been taken care of"
That's how mafia works:
"they where quickly taken care of"
"had decided the name would have worked fine"
Much simpler:
"thought the name suited her"
"she had been moved to this town"
Quick fix:
"had she been moved to this town"
"looking only barely 30"
Quick fix:
"she barely looked 30"
"although in the truth he was very glad"
Simpler:
"when really, he was glad"
"Sometimes the papers to fill would become way too many and Bobo had way too many things to do, especially with his show. Kassandra had essentially become his secretary and he liked to consider her his right-hand woman."
Ok, so I had to modify a lot of stuff here since the way you phrased things was extremely weird:
"Bobo would get overwelmed when there were too many papers to file and too many things to organize and because of that Kassandra had essentially become his secretary as well his-right hand woman."
"After all, she was also very useful with something else…"
This is weird and seems out of character for his secretary. I feel like she'd just beat up Bobo for trying something like this.
"Bobo had been doing this for years and with different children, he knew how to deal with children"
Quick fixes:
"Bobo had been doing this for years with many children, so he knew how to deal with them."
"coulrophobic"
I think it's coulrophobe, I could be wrong:
"coulrophobe"
"What the fuck was wrong with kids nowadays"
Quick fix:
"What the fuck's wrong with kids nowadays"
"With a monstrous speed"
Quick fix:
"With monstrous speed"
"The kid was screaming insanely"
You need to say that it's loud, otherwise the kids insane:
"The kid was screaming insanely loud"
"In fact, he was liking it."
Makes it creepier and make more sense:
"In fact, he loved it."
"Scream all you want, little shit!"
Quick fix:
"Scream all you want, you little shit!"
"The kid screamed even louder, but nobody would have come to his rescue."
Had to change the meaning since it didn't make a lot of sense:
"The kid screamed even louder, but nobody came."
"He then took some sort of weird hybrid between a gun and a drill"
From what I've read, this item acts exactly like a drill. So why did you make this more complicated by saying it's a gun drill hybrid ? Just make it a drill, it's simpler and doesn't complicate things.
"The clown's eyes might been"
Quick fix:
"The clown's eyes might have been"
"but in that moment all his insanity could be seen in them"
You don't have to fix this, I just prefer the word within:
"but in that moment all his insanity could be seen within them"
"for the child, however, fate decided"
Simpler:
"for the child, fate decided"
"started knocking on the office's door hard"
Hard cannot be placed there, plus loudly fits the scene better imo:
"started loudly knocking on the office's door"
"way deeper in that he had "
Quick fix:
"way deeper than he had "
"Who the in the fuck"
One the is enough:
"Who in the fuck"
"some weird species of pigeon-sized creatures resembling miniguns but with wings, which Bobo had called "Deadly Wings", and control them."
The description was all over the place:
"weird pigeon-sized winged creatures resembling miniguns that would act under his command, which Bobo called "Deadly Wings""
"parts that normally soldiers couldn't have covered"
Simpler:
" parts that soldiers weren't able to"
"as well as gaining informations since Bintang was somehow able to communicate with them"
Quick fix:
"they could also obtain information, since Bintang was somehow able to communicate with them"
"Well, have found the person behind them ?"
Simpler:
"Well, have you found the culprit ?"
"How in the fuck do they even hide so well?"
Fix:
"How in the fuck are they this good at hiding ?"
"which made things much harder sometimes"
Closer to the original or simpler:
"which sometimes made things much harder"
or
"which made things much harder"
"I hope that's true"
I'm guessing this is what you were looking for:
"You better"
"being high up as he was"
I tried making it simple, but this is the best I could come up with without rewording a big chunk of text:
"being so high up and all"
"the window glass was visible only one way"
Better phrasing:
"the window glass could only be seen through from the inside"
"he wasn't feeling as usual "
You're missing a descriptor:
"he wasn't feeling as good as he usually does"
"a lot or art pieces"
Quick fix:
"a lot of art pieces"
"no, in that moment, he was feeling as Lucas Walker Jr., a name he wanted to forget, the fool who had fallen for a trap set up by Jimmy Crikket"
Much better:
"no, in that moment, he felt like Lucas Walker Jr., a name that he wanted to forget, the fool who fell for Jimmy Crikket's trap and got killed by him"
"at the thought that Jimmy was still out there"
Improved:
"at the thought of Jimmy still being out there"
"remembering about having won against him and having escape from his grasp"
I get the idea you were going for, but I think simplifying it was better
"escaping from his grasp"
"Bobo made a small laugh"
You don't make laughs, and I think you meant chuckle:
"Bobo chuckled"
"Because that time you were the hero of the story… but now? Well, now… roles have inverted."
Fixed the weird wording:
"Because back then you were the hero of the story… but now? Well, now… roles have been reversed"
Ok so I hope that's everything. Anyways good luck with your tale !
Once one of the most beautiful zones of what used to be the USA… but now? Well, now it was part of the VDT, a devastated land where everyone forgot how life used to be… well, almost everyone.
The way you're writing this fails to communicate the feeling you want it to. It's an effective intro to the setting, but it's so blunt you could crush someone's head inside their torso. It also feels abstract — you're telling the reader to put in the work to figure out how this place looks.
A better intro in this regard would look something like this:
"Jimmy Crikket walked along the hive of people buzzing about under the midday sun. From work to home, from home to a friend's, from there to the coffee shop. All young people — no old men. Grandparents were ghosts, like the ghost of the city that stood here just a few decades past. Rare reminders of the old city still towered over the rural town, commercial towers and government buildings spared by the blight that had made the VDT what it is — the blight of men at war."
Obviously this isn't perfect and it likely isn't what you were envisioning, but it does one thing better: it's showing how the place looks at the same time it tells you why it looks like that. Your intro does them separately, which makes it feel more wooden.
The gratitude: he spent years at protecting this town from criminals and now he's wanted like one of them.
Long & awkward sentence.
"The gratitude: he's wanted like the criminals he once chased."
Try to apply this sort of philosophy to the rest of the tale. Explain less, make it more fluid and let the reader fill in the gaps. You don't need to tell the reader that Jimmy spent years chasing criminals: the irony of being chased like one is already evident when you know that he was a policeman.
Bobo moved his hands as if he was wiping some tears away from his face, before beginning to smile again.
This is another example. You can just say "Bobo wiped his face and forced a dry sob, then turning to dumb smile again." It doesn't just say the same in a more natural, shorter way, it gives a peek at what your protagonist thinks — try having more of these little descriptions following what your protagonist feels and thinks. You do it well later, here:
Bobo proceeded to laugh: a laugh thick with sadism and mockery, a sadism Jimmy knew way too well.
But it's a little too blunt for my taste. Rather than saying it's sadistic and mocking off the bat, you can say:
"Bobo proceeded to laugh: a thick, natural laugh. Not an act. It felt like mockery, not without satisfaction."
"Uhm, it's Jerome…"
Comes off as a little forced. I think it's best you save the joke for the reader to notice.
"It's very likely that they're using some anomalous mean to hide."
"Of course…" Bobo muttered, annoyed. This world being so anomalous had its advantages but its disadvantages as well. Pretty much anyone could get their hands on some anomalous shit, which sometimes made things much harder. "What about Jimmy?"
This feels off to me. The anomalous is normal, Bobo shouldn't react with this sort of surprise, and his later thoughts give the impression that the shift between normal and anomalous worlds only took place not long ago — which in turn paints the wrong picture of the setting. Also the Authority uses anomalous tools too, which makes it less convincing.
Maybe Bobo should instead feel confused as to how the perpetrator got his hands on an anomaly powerful enough to evade any sort of detection, knowing that the influence of the Authority makes that possibility rather rare. In turn, this leads him to think of Crikket, who, being ex-Authority, obviously has an understanding of where to find such anomalies and where they'd be stored. (obv. the graffiti guy and Crikket aren't the same, but that's a logical connection Bobo could follow)
Another suggestion: cut down on those paragraphs. They look long and unappealing. Just add some more spacing inbetween.
he felt as Lucas Walker Jr., a name he wanted to forget
remove the half after the comma
Overall this is an alright intro. No issues with the plot so far, but the prose and worldbuilding could use some work.
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