Another Tale
(account deleted) 02 Sep 2021 13:26
Another Tale
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» Another Tale
Summary:
It's kinda connected. This one has GD-CMDR and the Protectorate.
(account deleted) 02 Sep 2021 13:26
Just finished reading your draft, and I noticed a couple things about the grammar.
''I don't know why we're powering it, even'' should be changed to ''I don't even know why we're powering it''.
And ''she'd have whenever she had something to do that she wanted to do'' should be simplified to ''she'd have whenever she had something that she wanted to do''.
Base crit
Phraseology and grammar
"I don't think Kableshi Kawaii-" "Kabushiki Kawaii."
- Mistake is not similar enough to the original pronunciation. I would recommend “Kablueshki” instead of “Kableshi”.
- additionally, it is confusing to understand who actually makes the mispronunciations. I initially thought it was the scientist, since it looked like she put her hand her chin and spoke, only for CMDR to make a similar mistake after. If it is the scientist, make it consistent and avoid having characters share traits. If it is CMDR, reconsider since he is known for being extremely invested into GoI dealings and him not knowing how to pronounce a name of a fairly major one is out of character for him.
We're like…discount
- We're like… discount
I didn't…mean
- I didn't…mean
Narrative
“It's a torture device and a clear and obvious threat.” (…) "Why would the KK build a weapon?"
- Possible confusion could arise from this – is it a torture device, or a weapon? Did LR misidentify it, or was he vitriolic towards its nature and called it that for another reason? Not to mention he initially calls it a weapon.
he placed the butt in a tray.
- What is a cigar tray doing in such a location? I know it’s a nitpick, but it stood out to me – you needn’t take it out, but having a small detail like the scientist or assistant pulling one out of a pocket and placing it next to LR would be pretty neat.
Grab someone from Biomech, Forge'll love it.
- Strange to see him calling a colleague by his codename, when he insisted not being called that – in the event he is fucking with her, it might be all right. Although, the following “allowance” of being called by his codename honestly seems more of a flirt than anything.
She blinked twice, and wrote down her sudden promotion and the rest of the new information.
- This seems pretty irresponsible, especially when the decision was made on the spot, for a doctor he doesn’t already know, and the fact that he is the Protection GD, not Research. It would be neat if he already knew who she was and knew that she was getting a promotion or at least was considered as a potential project leader – meaning he was just fucking with her a bit. But if not, it just seems extremely irresponsible.
Tyr sighed. "Yes, some experimental drug. Said it was perfectly safe, only a few CSDs popped like a balloon, and the mesh they put on my burns only squirms when I'm not looking at it."
- Again, not obvious whether this is a joke between them or being serious.
Formatting
GD-CMDR removed the cigar from his mouth and stared at the doctor with a fairly muted expression, although it was visibly
disturbed. "I'm sorry?"
- These are on two separate lines.
She ran around to the other side of the cot and leaned over to look into the glimpses of Tyr's face that weren't covered.
"Thanks! It's always good to see members of my team, you know, because we-"
- These aren’t separated by an empty line.
"Look, Ayad- ah, Senior Chief Ayad was given a mission by Command. I don't know why they chose us for it. I don't know
why they're not using an MST for it-" "We're cheaper." "Shut it. But we were chosen. So get your ass out of bed and come with me, or you can rot in it. Your choice."
- These two are in separate lines.
Final thoughts
The dialogue is good, but there is not much to it.
I already once mentioned that the dialogue is surprisingly amusing for someone that is starting off, but the issue is that there is no solid story – this doesn’t feel like a tale, more like two separate dialogues that might set the two up. If I was honest, this felt like I accidentally read another separate draft, than one thing.
There is no development of story or character, there is no plot, nor really much to comment on – something that is admittedly better to hear when there really isn’t anything there, rather than it is attempted.
I would love to read the full story once it is made, but as of now, there is not much to it to take in or think about. Fair job, nonetheless.
for whatever there isn't a group of people that were born and bred for the exact thing we're facing.
Wonky sentence, suggesting: "for whatever there isn't a group of people born and bred to face". Maybe "instead of us"?
"Look, Ayad- ah, Senior Chief Ayad was given a mission by Command. I don't know why they chose us for it. I don't know
why they're not using an MST for it-" "We're cheaper."
Weird spacing
They tried desperately to shut it out, but the voice would not be silenced.
Pronoun change?
It's an alright tale, but I feel it could use some taste of what's to come in the series rather than all sequel-baiting if you catch what I mean.
/forum/t-14185522/another-tale#post-