Here a link http://rpcsandbox.wiki
Very clearly this is not even close to being a final draft, but I have hit several walls of writers block.
- Grammar Errors?
- Any errors?
- Concept errors?
Harold K Caztovski
Here a link http://rpcsandbox.wiki
Very clearly this is not even close to being a final draft, but I have hit several walls of writers block.
- Grammar Errors?
- Any errors?
- Concept errors?
Harold K Caztovski
The main bridge heading towards ████████, Oregon is to be restricted *from* public use. A new one has been constructed 17.7 km west of the initial area.
Personnel are not to remove RPC-942-1 from its current position in order to prevent becoming an RPC-942-2 instance.
RPC-942 is a 1.6 km long concrete bridge in Oregon, USA. The road and ledge *on* RPC-942 has been noted to be in poor condition.
RPC-942-1 has been confirmed to be 1.84 m in height and weighs 80.2 kg.
Don’t use words like “confirmed” if you can just walk to him and measure him.
RPC-942-1 is seen in a constantly slouching over, resting its fore arms on its lap while dangling its legs.
Don’t change pronouns. Always use “it” on anomalies.
A wallet and a cell phone were found in the possession of RPC-942-1. According to the wallet found in RPC-942-1's possession, it has been identified as 19-year-old Markus Boyles, a college student of ████████ University in █████, Oregon.
This sentence needs a bit of work. It’s best you cut down some words, shorten it, and fit it inside the 1st paragraph of the description. So it should structurally go something like:
RPC-X is a humanoid male measuring X cm tall and weighing X kg. Its identity is thought to be XXX according to the wallet found in its possession.
These suicide attempts are 100% successful unless otherwise prevented by nearby witnesses. Whether the instance commits suicide or not, the RPC-942-1 instance will immediately stand up and return to their position prior to being removed from the ledge.
Then it isn’t 100%. It’s best you avoid using statistics if it boils down to a if/then statement. Just use words like “invariably” or “inevitably”.
The description of the anomalous property needs a bit of work.
I had set up a weekly meeting with him every Wednesday to ensure he was doing ok mentally.
Cut the comma.
Yes, she was a young blonde girl, she looked about his age. Her name was Samantha, though, I am not sure about the last name.
Add coma
They are rage, brutal, without mercy. But you. You will be worse.
The road a top of RPC-942 bears several cracks and small pot holes, these often cause tires to burst forcing drivers to pull over.
is this an anomalous property? if so, make it explicit. if not, cut the detail or reword it in a way that puts less focus on it. you can just say the bridge is in bad shape.
RPC-942 has been constructed 804.6 m above a large lake with a depth of 3.3 m.
recommend swapping this with the previous sentence, or cutting it as the height of the bridge and depth of the lake don't seem to matter much.
The RPC-942-1 instance is a humanoid entity of slim build and possesses ordinary clothing and is a human male.
humanoid =/= human. if he's human, say he's human.
I don't have much to say as the concept feels unfinished. two questions I had while reading that you might want to consider are:
1. why is this dude sitting on the bridge, contemplating suicide?
1 1/2: how long has he been there?
2. you mention that people trying to remove him from the bridge have suicidal thoughts. is there anything more specific? what happens in someone's mind that drives them to leap off the bridge? are there any consistent elements to it? I quite like the image this has put in my head, of a man on the edge of a bridge, unable to be swayed from his decision to jump but unwilling to go through with it for whatever reason. almost like he knows he doesn't want to jump. that's just a suggestion though, the world is your oyster.
Crit!
No personnel are to attempt removing RPC-942-1 from its current position in order to prevent becoming an RPC-942-2 instance.
Make this a start of a new paragraph.
No personnel are to attempt removing RPC-942-1 from its current position in order to prevent becoming an RPC-942-2 instance.
Personally I would say "To prevent becoming an RPC-942-2 instance, personnel are not to attempt removing RPC-942-1 from it's current position."
which have
that have
commiting
committing
RPC-942 is a 1.6 km long concrete bridge in Oregon, USA. The road a top of RPC-942 has been noted to be in poor shape as well as the ledges. Present atop of the west most ledge is the entity designated RPC-942-1.
Might just be me, but this reads awkwardly. I suggest rephrasing it.
The RPC-942-1 instance is a human entity of slim build and possesses ordinary clothing and is a human male.
The RPC-942-1 instance is a human entity of slim build. The instance's apparel is ordinary in design. Or something like that
does not respond to any personnel.
Have they tried forcing it to communicate? Just a question.
planning suicide.
How does the Authority know this? It could just be enjoying the view. Maybe give context clues like it is sobbing or when someone tries to communicate it responds in a manner that hints toward suicide.
1.84 m in height and weighs 80.2 kg
I feel like this should've been mentioned way earlier.
pulling
I would just say moving.
instant
Remove this.
I liked the idea but there was some of oddly worded sentences and tone breaks (not saying I am perfect AT ALL). It was a short and sweet article. I do feel like there could be much much more to it, like talking more about RPC-942-1's affection toward Ms. Fetching which can help explain more why it is the way it is. This also feels more of a Beta-Yellow anomaly as you can avoid it by just… you know… not pulling it. Also, does RPC-942-1 just sit there the whole time or does it do other stuff. Cuz if it just sits there, I don't see why it is sentient if it doesn't communicate or move. (NVM it feels sad, mb) Again, I like it, I just want there to be a little more. Like, I had a question. What happens if someone moves RPC-942-1 and is then locked into a room?
Good Luck!
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
givin' this draft a second look
RPC-942 is a 1.6 km long concrete bridge in Oregon, USA.
A good rule of thumb is that if something isn't anomalous, you don't need to give it a number.
The wallet belonging to RPC-942-1 only contains a state identification card, $4 USD, a receipt for flowers, and a photo of a woman's face scratched out.(The only visible feature on the woman is part of their red hair, a singe hair clip, and a small drawing of a heart on the bottom left side of the photo.)
This is the first thing in the article that hints at the broader story. I think it's too important to be relegated to a footnote, and that it should be in the description.
Due to the immmediate change in emotion, the RPC-942-2 instance will attempt to commit suicide via leaping on the nearest ledge.
if it's not a compulsion, there might be some variety in people's reactions. if it is, that should be mentioned.
These suicide attempts are inevitably successful unless otherwise prevented by nearby witnesses.
prevented how, are there loopholes here or is it a roundabout way of saying "people who jump off a bridge will die unless they die" what would happen if their landing was cushioned somehow
I would suggest combining both of the above sentences into one, like so:
RPC-942-2 instances will be compelled to jump off of the bridge, though the effect will fade if they are prevented from doing so by outside intervention.
Putting the range of the effect at "jump off the bridge" instead of "jump off the bridge and die" makes it tighter and allows the reader to fill in the rest through basic understanding of cause and effect.
the RPC-942-1 instance
it's not an "instance" if there's only one of them. RPC-942-1 will suffice.
It was December 17th of last year (2014)
maybe put the year in a footnote?
Once the interview was concluded, Mr. Kalleway was ordered to supply finger print samples in order to fully confirm this was the exact photo, despite the possibility that the finger prints could have been wiped away since then. Once results were clear, it was confirmed to be the same photo.
well of course her fingerprints are gonna be on the photo, she was just manhandling it during the interview. Dr. Pierce's prints are gonna be on there too, possibly even the dude who removed it from Boyle's wallet. this whole detail isn't even necessary, you've already made it clear that the photo is of his late girlfriend.
Recent police reports have revealed the physical appearance of the suspect involved with the aforementioned homocide via security tapes of a home across from the crime scene. CCTV cameras had revealed a male figure leaving the home in which the crime had taken place. The description of said suspect are identical to the clothing worn by RPC-942-1. The weapon used in the crime was a Beretta 92 pistol. Finger prints from the weapon have been matched with RPC-942-1's finger print records thus confirming them to be the suspect.
I had been slightly anticipating something like this, and it's a really good note to end on. small nitpick though, earlier in the article it's implied that we can't get RPC-942-1's fingerprints, hence why footnote 3 says we only presume the prints on the photo are his.
this is also yet another place where you could cut the stuff about fingerprints. if they can match the suspect's outfit to RPC-942-1, they can probably match his face as well.
RPC-942-1's phone contained a messenger app in which they had been communicating with Samantha. The final 4 texts visible in the conversation appear to consist of RPC-942-1's texts alone. This has been presumed to be an attempt at getting a hold of Samantha. The final text had been sent at exactly 7:00 PM on May 29th.
The victims of the crime were identified as Samantha Fetching, 20-year-old Adrian Holder, and 19-year-old Nevan Daniels. It is possible RPC-942-1 had entered a state of rage due to the possible [REDACTED], though it is still unknown as to why they had the firearm in their possession in general.
on the other hand, I think that these two paragraphs are a detriment to the open-endedness of what you just set up. I think the less the reader knows about the details of the crime, the better. it's a great "what the hell happened here" kind of ending.
In my opinion, this current draft feels half-baked. There's the bare-bones premise of an article here, but there's nothing really interesting about it. It also doesn't quite make sense what's happening because the narrative isn't developed. I'll go through what currently doesn't work, then give my suggestions for improving this. I hope you find this helpful! Good luck with the article.
First: The anomalous effects of RPC-942-1 are kind of bland. If you touch him, you get depressed. He doesn't talk or move unless you physically moved him before. My first thought was, well, if you pushed him off the bridge, would you have neutralized the anomaly? What is his purpose just standing there forever?
Why do other people get depressed if they just touch him? We know at the end he was the murderer of three people, so it's strange that none of the RPC-942-2 people say they experience extreme guilt like RPC-942 presumably does. Why that bridge? Did he try to jump off that bridge specifically but didn't? Why do other people want to jump off the bridge, but RPC-942 doesn't?
Also, why doesn't he have the firearm on him when he shot the three people? He has all his other clothing and items like the picture, so not having the gun with him too is out of place.
Why doesn't he talk? Does he make any sort of movement when the Authority researcher try to talk to him? This element of RPC-932 really limits your narrative possibilities, and I think really hurts this article overall.
Second: The interview with Mr. Kalleway is completely useless. We learn almost nothing new about RPC-942 that we can't already kind of figure out. We learn he was suffering from Freshman anxiety and Samantha is the woman in the picture, his new girlfriend.
You know, it would have been really helpful for Mr. Kallaway at some point to also say "Oh yeah, that girl was also murdered in a triple homicide." Does he really not know? I find it very unbelievable something like that would not be nation-wide news. Why does the Authority go to this dude first rather than the parents of Markus?
There's another related issue here: Nobody seems concerned about Markus whereabouts. Is he missing? Do they think he's dead? There is no information given in the article.
Third: The ending is underwhelming to say the least. We learn Samantha Fetching, Adrian Holder, and Nevan Daniels were shot by RPC-942. We are not given a reason why, other than he was in a rage. What exactly was he mad about? Was she cheating on him with those two other dudes, and he walked in on it?
Even if that's the case, where'd he get the gun from? Why doesn't the Authority look further into Samantha, Adrian, or Nevan's background?
The core issue here is that nothing here makes sense. We're not given enough (or any at all) information on what happened next to result in Markus becoming an anomaly. Right now, it feels like a Lesser Anomalous Object entry than an RPC article.
Since you're suffering from writer's block, I'll try to give you my suggestions on how you can improve this article conceptually.
First: Nail down the abilities of RPC-942, and why an anomalous phenomenon happens there. It looks like in other drafts, the bridge itself was also anomalous in some way - like blowing out car tires.
Here's my article idea: Markus, a Freshman at the high school, gets a new GF, but she cheats on him. He reacts extremely poorly to this news, so he steals his family's firearm and commits the three murders. That story can be largely the same as your version. However, you have some options for how he does this.
One Idea - He snaps back to reality and needs to flee from the community. He steals someone's car, maybe one of their cars, but either crashes it in the woods, or just abandons it by the bridge. He is about to jump in the bridge, but then finds he can't move - he's frozen. Maybe he sees the spirit of his girlfriend talks through the picture he has of her and curses him that he will never die but stay standing in his shame.
Another Idea: He does the deed, but now wants to dispose of the bodies - make this look like an accident. He loads their bodies into the stolen car, and drives it to the bridge where he dumps them off there or he buries them in the woods. However, as he is about to leave, the car tires pop, and his car goes over the bridge, killing him. Now, whenever someone goes near the bridge, their car ties also pop, and they feel that extreme guilt of what he did. You can end the article with the Authority finding the bodies, maybe that way neutralizing the anomaly.
Second: The addendums have to be more substantive. They should give insight into Markus' mental issues, and reveal knowledge of the triple homicide.
I like the idea of interviewing the school counselor, but we should address the family first. Maybe one of them is in jail for a violent crime, and the other one says their son has been missing and their worried about the 'neighborhood murderer'. They think their son could have been killed, or is in danger. We learn here about Samantha.
Now we interview the counselor. He explains he is very close with Markus. He says Markus suffers from xyz condition because of his family problems. He talks about the new girlfriend, and says he was very close to Samantha, and that he might be taking the loss hard so that's why he's runaway from the town.
Maybe we get a newspaper article of the murder for background information. The names of the three people, the murder weapon, and the stolen car.
Finally, we get the twist: He was the murderer. The Authority find the stolen car, his fingerprints, and the bodies. Suddenly, RPC-942 can speak, and he confesses to the Authority everything. (Adjust these ideas depending on which of my suggestions you follow)
new one has been constructed 17.7 km west of the initial area.
Is this new bridge a detour for the public?
Subjects were applied Class A-1 amnestics once the interview had been concluded.
Assuming Markus is a missing person and the interviewers are disguised, I don't amnestics would be necessary here.
she was a young blonde girl
Uh either this line or footnote 2 is wrong here because it says "The only visible feature on the woman is part of their red hair"
Mr. Kalleway was ordered to supply finger print samples in order to fully confirm this was the exact photo, despite the possibility that the finger prints could have been wiped away since then.
I don't get the significance of this evidence. Why would he show a picture of his new girlfriend to his school counselor?
an apparent homocide which occured on May 29th, 2015
Why didn't Mr. Kalleway say anything about that in the interview? Actually, the Authority should have done this sort of background investigation before going to witnesses in my opinion.
20-year-old Adrian Holder, and 19-year-old Nevan Daniels
Uh shouldn't the Authority figure out the background of these people too?
It is possible RPC-942-1 had entered a state of rage due to [REDACTED], though it is still unknown as to why they had the firearm in their possession in general.
Not a very satisfying ending because you redacted out what motivated the anomaly to do this.
I have a question. Why do the instances feel the need to commit suicide? (especially from the bridge)
Then, I had an idea. The Authority could experiment by replacing Samantha's phone number with an Authority-issued phone, and try to get in touch with Markus this way?
Anyway, grammar review below.
Personnel are not to remove RPC-942-1
Personnel are not to attempt to remove RPC-942-1.
The road and ledge on RPC-942 has
had.
Located on top of the west most ledge is RPC-942-1.
RPC-942-1 is located on top of the westernmost (yes) ledge.
has been confirmed to be 1.84 m in height and weighs 80.2 kg
How was this data obtained if it is impossible to move him?
Its identity is thought to be 19-year-old Markus Boyles
Then it's "his identity".
Whether the instance commits suicide or not, RPC-942-1
Regardless of whether the instance commits suicide or not, RPC-942-1.
Foreward
Foreword.
in the morning around 6:54 AM
in the morning, around 6:54 AM
He had seemed very overwhelmed with something
He seemed
He had told me
He told me
for how long had it been
When did it begin?
As a matter of fact yes I did.
As a matter of fact, yes he did.