This is something I've been cooking up for a long time, about two months.
That being said, I had a lot of people helping me out with certain aspects, and a lot of parts were done very far apart from each other. So go wild, I'm sure there's plenty to criticize. That's what rough drafts are for. I am a little worried it might feel like the focus isn't great, but I can always fix it.
Oh, and it's a little long. Sorry about that.
I like the concept, but the main issues I have is that the addenda and the majority of the description are in the…wrong order?
To elaborate, the requests log and the other documents (which i believe should be in the table format, looks waaaay better) can be merged in some areas, and the interviews (of which there are six) should at least come first so we have a better idea of the relationship between the Authority and the Mother before we start reading about their requests and why the authority would grant them.
I feel the interviews could afford to be fewer in number or at least shortened, since 6 interviews, on top of the several addenda, make this a very long read, and the order of the addenda fail to keep you hooked throughout. Why start with a table of random locations, right?
Also tell us what the "effects" are of RPC-XXX-2 in the description. You just say "Human subjects of average build begin showing effects approximately 30-40 seconds after initial inhalation, with effects rapidly growing more noticeable, reaching their peak after approximately 4 minutes of continued exposure." and never say what the effects are.
Another note: Please give the researchers names, since some are reoccurring and trying to remember which had how many squares isn't as engaging.
Last thing: You got your its and it's mixed up almost every time, you may want to look them over. "It's" is for "it is", while Its is for possession.
Boy oh boy this is a long one.1 For a new user it's pretty good, I'll give you that. The ''too good to be true'' is resonant in this doc, as well as exhibiting one of the Authority's flaws_ Paranoia.
Ok, it's a big article, time for some BIG BOY CRIT with the individual smaller details highlighted thereafter
We discover a wendigo. It speaks. It doesn't wanna do harm. Then what? It's still an unfinished draft from what I can gather, so a conclusion would be great. You can go wild with this, have a happy ending, reveal some form of shocking discovery that makes us reconsider wendigo mommy gf's true intentions, anything goes! This is most apparent with the dialogue
A back and forth between the Authority not thinking about the other possibilities and this thing just screwing around with them as if they were mindless toys. 6 interviews, too long to read, and nothing really happens. It doesn't help that it's poorly placed you updated while I wasn't looking, moving on
This is a stigma carried by the SCP Foundation, and also a common mistake by beginners in RPC: to assume our scientists are idiots. Realistically by the second test, RPC-XXX-1 and -2 would've been more closely examined even without direct contact with tall wendigo gf. There's blood analysis, air particle analysis, chemical analysis, most of what you depicted can be reasonably explained with modern science and ACS shenanigans2. The only time you should really use this phrase is if you really had zero ideas as to how a thing does what it does.3
RPC-XXX is able to fully disintegrate it's body, manufacturing a molecularly identical duplicate within an unknown maximum range.
You could just say
RPC-XXX is able to teleport by material and dematerializing it's body within a [random kilometers] range.
The unwritten golden rule, dare I say the purpose of clinical tone is to explain things as smoothly as you can by avoiding vagueness and redundancy4 Keep this in mind, because I will constantly critique you about redundancy!
…this is a minor nitpick, and a suggestion at the same time…
yeah…ellipsis don't work nearly as well as commas do
nuff said…keep them at a bare minimum!
Hard to keep track of characters that don't even have nicknames due to the nature of clinical tone, as Kloth said:
[…] trying to remember which [names] had how many squares isn't as engaging.
Likely a result of an unpolished draft. Here's one huge example, a single paragraph that repeats and contradicts itself over and over again (demonstrated in footnotes)
RPC-XXX possesses control over temperature, atmospheric composition, geological composition, geological structure, and weather within a control area, the limitations of said abilities are currently unknown5. Although RPC-XXX appears to mainly use this ability to simulate the ideal conditions for each type of produce grown inside it's inhabited area6. Testing of the limits of RPC-XXX's temperature and atmospheric manipulating has revealed that RPC-XXX is able to simulate temperatures between -30℃ - 80℃, and air density within the range of .2 kg/m³ - 2.1 kg/m³7. RPC-XXX has demonstrated the ability to change the molecular structure of common soil, as well as manipulate weather conditions within its inhabited area8. The limits of these abilities are currently unknown, however RPC-XXX seemingly uses these primarily in service of providing ideal conditions for different types of produce.9.
This is just a small paragraph, the entire article is littered with stuff we already know and things we can deduce by ourselves by the Description alone. Here's another example:
a gaseous chemical agent, hereby referred to as RPC-XXX-2. RPC-XXX-2 is composed of trace amounts of THC, Nitrous Oxide, and an unknown chemical compound necessary for the bonding and concentration of the two substances.
It also happens that
then in Medical Tests:
Results: RPC-XXX-2 appears to be comprised of a chemical compound composed of Tetrahydrocannabinol, Nitrous Oxide, and a third gaseous substance. This substance appears to be loosely related to Propan-2-yl methylphosphonofluoridate, however the complete chemical makeup the original form of this substance is currently unknown.
RPC-XXX-1 takes effect almost immediately, average build humans will show full symptoms after only 10 seconds of exposure. Such symptoms may last up to 4 hours after final contact.
This happens with XXX-2 as well, what symptoms? For medical advice, I sincerely advise you to consult with lord of clinical tone master of the medical field Greatest Of All Time lack_of_lepers aka ieatcrepes, he will tell you the difference between symptoms AND signs (don't worry, he won't eat you alive)
Back again with redundancy, we know tree milf deer gf makes requests, why make a Request log when you are gonna mention the requests in the medical tests? It makes 0 difference, and it again, makes us read something we already deduced at the very beginning of the article.
To prove my point:
Request: A variety of seeds for growing fruits and vegetables.
Reasoning: “Wants to prove a point about human labor or something”10
Status: Approved.
Test: Test of RPC-XXX's grip pressure
Request: Comfortable conditions provided to the followers of RPC-XXX
Status: Approved
One of these logs tells us a) The anomaly can cooperate if granted the request and b) The anomaly makes request that may or may not be granted. The other one just tells us it made a request and we aproved/denied it.
Show, don't tell. Don't just tell me ''it's been here and there'', actually SHOW ME IT HAS BEEN THERE AND THERE. Atleast address the fact it's old as fuck, as Kloth said
Why start with a table of random locations, right?
fin
Actually finish the article. The dialogue is good, but it needs more polishing. Not bad for an RPC first-timer though…
To start off, I am not a fan of the concept of this article. This anomaly is very overpowered and it's abilities seem very disconnected with one another. Not only can this deer-woman regenerate, teleport, and control the weather, she can also turn people into trees. Complex anomalies can work, but generally a more straightforward ability set will create a more interesting anomaly.
This deer-woman is not even the only anomaly, there's RPC-XXX-2, the substance that essentially induces calmness and impressionability. There's also the produce that's being grown in the area that RPC-XXX inhabits, some of which have their own anomalies abilities. My point is this article is trying to do way too many things at once instead of just focusing on one aspect to explore in great detail.
The way the Authority acts here is very haphazard. Generally speaking, a Researcher shouldn't expose themselves to an anomaly that often, that's why you have CSDs and other testing methodologies like robots or something. However, Doctor Brower just exposes himself to both anomalies when he goes to meet RPC-XXX. At that point, the Authority doesn't even know that RPC-XXX-2 is a factor here.
I personally had a hard time following what exactly was happening with the narrative overall. From what I could understand, the CSD meets the Deer-Woman and convinces her to cooperative with the Authority. I really didn't buy this transition at all, she gives like a 5 hour rant every interview about how foolish humanity is, and then she just decides to help us out in the end pretty much on a whim by believing the CSD.
Why can't she leave this forest exactly? She says she wanted the CSD and the Authority to leave at frist, but at the same time, it seems like she can't teleport away unless a lot of people stay in the region that she's in. Speaking of teleportation, I don't think we ever see her actually teleport anywhere in the article, so why does the Authority think she can?
I don't think it's ever explained why she makes the RPC-XXX-2 substance either, or what the connection is, or why she's trying to convert people. It's kind of suggested she was doing it so people respect nature but since we're stubborn it's hard for her to do that. I'm not a fan of that explanation, it doesn't really make any sense considering humans are literally a part of nature, and were very much connected with it for hundreds of thousands of years even after we evolved.
Overall, this article still needs a lot of work I think on the conceptual level. I'd suggest cutting back almost all of these extra anomalies and just focusing on the deer-woman. You can keep some of her abilities, like the healing or localized weather powers, but turning people into trees, secreting that substance from her skin, or the plant garden I would suggest dropping.
I think it would be a stronger article if we got more insight into the cultists, and why they're worshipping her. All the dialogue that she gives about why humanity is barbaric and whatnot could be said through them. That way you could have RPC-XXX only say the most important lines, and they'll stick out more to readers.
That's a lot of Hazard types lol
as per RPC agreement.
What RPC agreement?
This area excludes a portion of Sugarloaf Mountain Trailhead, which enters the inhabited area. RPC-XXX is not to have any interaction with civilians on the specified trail.
I'd just footnote this unless this trailhead is relevant to the containment procedures, like if the Authority needs to block this area off to the public or something. Right now all this just says is that RPC-XXX isn't located in this spot, but that he should not be allowed to potentially interact with civilians.
The area RPC-XXX inhabits is to have warnings of black bears in the area posted roughly .5 km away from the border.
Suggestion: "Warning signs of black bears in the area are to be posted roughly 0.5 km away from the border of the forest [to limit the number of civilians encountering RPC-XXX]."
flexible number
Not clinical tone, what do you mean by flexible?
[Currently twenty-five]
I'd footnote this instead of bracketing it in the sentence.
protocol
"protocols"
produce
What produce is this? Maybe footnote that.
incident
"Incident"
not allowed
"no longer"
was detained
"who was detained"
interrogation
"the interrorgation"
being
"falling"
The endings of RPC-XXX's fingers possess nails with a structure not unlike animal claws.
I'd just cut to the chase: "RPC-XXX's fingernails are structured similar to animal claws."
lightening and lengthening in winter, while darkening and shortening in the summer.
Footnote this.
of a molecular
"on a molecular"
The previous two have been stored.
Stored where? And who's writing this right now, because this doesn't feel like clinical tone.
as well as alleviate some of the issues of staff being more than a little dumb.
Is this the Researcher talking through the document? Make that more clear somehow, like make this section a paper note or a collapsible.
attempted contact was deemed necessary in order to aid in the establishment of necessary containment protocols.
that life
Does she not mean "my life"?
Everyone assigned to you is looking for that other guy that came in here
What other guy?
sixty-three
"Sixty-three"
fifty-four
"Fifty-four"
A woman
"a woman"
broke RPC authority perimeter
"broke the Authority perimeter"
An RPC agent shot RPC-XXX with a .32 ACP round.
Was this really the best way to test her regenerative abilities, shooting her?
I think it would be a stronger article if we got more insight into the cultists
This is your brain on Cetace's Kin
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