The King
Give me crit, please be as harsh as possible
about elvis being alive still
(viz said it was ok)
The King
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» The King
Summary:
magic and myths contest entry
by the cover story “hoax”.
To
by the cover story “hoax.”
witness are to be
To
witnesses are to be
RPC-009 manifestations are to be pursued and containment attempts are to continue as its effects have the capability to heavily damage normalcy and as of yet have not incurred significant costs.
To
RPC-009 manifestations are to be pursued, and containment attempts continue as its effects can heavily damage normalcy and have not incurred significant costs.
Usually, the entity wears streetwear ordinary to the location manifested, but on rare occasions it will manifest wearing outfits associated with Presley such as the “burning love” suit.
To
Usually, the entity wears streetwear ordinary to the location manifested, but it will display wearing outfits associated with Presley, such as the “burning love” suit on rare occasions.
at random intervals around the world, most
To
at random intervals worldwide, most
to only manifest and de-manifest
To
to manifest and de-manifest
individual who notices RPC-009
To
individual notices RPC-009
“Elvis Presley”, said individual will become
To
“Elvis Presley,” said individual will become
to numerous highly unlikely events.
To
to numerous improbable events.
demanifest shortly afterwards.
To
demanifest shortly afterward.
the effect appear to be unaffected by
To
the effect appear unaffected by
happened August 19, 1977,
To
occurred on August 19, 1977,
Marlowe’s Ribs & Restaurant at Memphis,
To
Marlowe’s Ribs & Restaurant in Memphis,
Because the anomaly was not pursued by the witness, it only demanifested following its egress from the establishment.
To
Because the witness did not pursue the anomaly, it only demanifested following its egress from the establishment.
Words listed below are not real, find a synonym to replace them.
-demanifested
-demanifest
-demanifestation
The site's agents
To
The Site's agents
whereupon it began
To
At this point, it began
King". Following its meal at the cafeteria it
To
King." Following its meal at the cafeteria, it
Hall who appeared
To
Hall, who appeared
Overall thoughts - My biggest issues are the repetition of words and the vagueness in the description. Go over the article again and clean up the errors / elaborate more on the abilities of RPC-009.
Also, I'd recommend you watch some Elvis Presly interviews to better mimic his speech patterns and behavior during the interview.
Fix up the article as I put it, and it's a 4/5, currently, it's a 3/5.
To get it to a 5/5, think of more ways to play off this Hoax Drama. Drive home a harder-hitting narrative impact.
Mind affecting,
I am assuming from the Description, that Mind-Control and Memory Alteration would fit here instead of Mind affecting
probabilistic
Tychokinetic
witness are to be amnesticized
witnesses
Tenessee
Tennessee
dying to a hearta attack caused by an addiction
of a
preformed by the late
performed
Right off the bat, it kinda reminds me of SCP-1901 although I doubt that was intentional. Other than that, I can honestly say its a somewhat solid article. While nothing too spectacular happens, it has its idea of "legends never truly die" and it does its idea in a fashion that can leave a reader entertained by it. I have no other issues with this, but (probably unintentional) reading RPC-009's speech in Elvis voice put a smile on my face. In its current state I'd give it a 4 star.
I like this article a lot, just conceptually it's absolutely my jam and I always appreciate seeing things like it. The combination of elvis just manifesting to do elvis things and people over time not recognizing him on sight changing the containment possibilities drastically are both really fun, especially with the probability aspect. Him weaponizing it by introducing himself once they're in range is pretty fun, too, though the sniper being affected for some reason despite not being introduced and (presumably) not being informed he's elvis is a little weird though, espeically when it's cleverly used with the agents in the truck
Overall the only issue i can see is the lack of tone, a lot of stuff reads extremely weird and not formally, like
RPC-009 refers to a human figure which superficially resembles the deceased American singer and actor Elvis Aron Presley at death. Usually, the entity wears streetwear ordinary to the location manifested, but on rare occasions it will manifest wearing outfits associated with Presley, such as the “burning love” suit. RPC-009 has always been reported to wear a pair of gloves.
should probably we worded something more like
RPC-009 refers to a human figure which superficially resembling deceased American singer and actor Elvis Aron Presley as he appeared in the months before his death [Note: if hes supposed to be like a psychic imprint of elvis it'd be nice if he either appeared at his prime, or it was made clear later that it was his *death* that caused his legacy and that people remember]. Upon manifestation, the entity appears wearing streetwear ordinary to the location of manifestation, though on rare occasions it will manifest wearing outfits famously associated with Presley, such as the “burning love” suit [should note if these are related or not- like when does he manifest like this? the article doesnt really explain why later on]. Regardless of outfit, every reported instance of RPC-009 thus far has been reported to wear a pair of gloves. [like.. the same gloves? gloves famously associated with elvis? gotta be more specific if its relevant enough to note]
Theres also this part
Its memetic effect affected almost the entirety of the Site causing personnel to identify it as “Senior Researcher King”.
..what memetic effect? you stop being able to impede him or reach him if you recognize that hes elvis, this is him making everyone think he's a different person but referrred to as if it's something he's been shown to do prior
Otherwise my only remaining issue is the stiff dialogue, you don't entierly feel like the two people are two people talking, the elvis-isms dont entierly jive with the philosophical dissertation on the nature of legacy, as interesting as they are. I think there's ways to do it, just this feels pretty unnatural to read through
I *like* what's being said, that him appearing to people and seeing the fire in their eyes as they catch a glimpse is what it's all about, and all that's left of him, but it could come across more naturally
sightings of RPC-009 are to be explained by the cover story “hoax”.
What does this mean?
A proposal to stop containment attempts of RPC-009 is currently being considered due to the possibility that it may be impossible to do so.
This is a very convoluted sentence. Change it to:
The containment of RPC-009 is highly improbable. Due to budget concerns, containment operations may cease.
However I see no reason why the Authority would stop trying to contain it.
such as the “burning love” suit.
Elaborate.
RPC-009 has always been reported to wear a pair of gloves.
Change to:
RPC-009 is always seen wearing a pair of gloves.
Generally, the anomaly will attempt to have a meal before de-manifestation,
Change to:
The entity is most commonly sighted dining before demanifesting.
RPC-009 manifests and de-manifests when not under direct observation and appears to seek out unobserved areas for de-manifestation
Again, convoluted and hard to understand. Change this to two sentences.
Occasionally, RPC-009’s de-manifestation will leave behind a small mound of sand.
This is weirdly specific.
said individual will become unable to go near
go near -> approach
Because of this, agents sent to contain RPC-009 after a sighting have, as of yet, failed to do so. The activation of this anomaly often leads to RPC-009 choosing to de-manifest shortly afterward.
Would agents of the Authority fall for this? I assume the probabilistic anomaly only happens when people confuse RPC-009 for Elvis Presley. Wouldn't the agents know for a fact that it isn't Elvis?
Individuals under the are unaffected by RPC-009’s probabilistic anomaly,
What?
the new Director of Site-220,
Remove "new"; erroneous information.
a plan designed specifically to contain RPC-009 for good.
Unprofessional wording. Also erroneous, since any containment operation would be designed to contain an anomaly for good.
and the usage of younger personnel as to avoid activating the anomaly's tychokinetic abilities.
How young exactly? I'm guessing most people over the age of 10 would know who Elvis is.
said agents were specially picked as to not know who Elvis Presley was.
Were they amnesticized?
Who was recording the last addendum? If this is a Site Director's office, I don't think there would be a constant recording of the office (unless this is security footage of some sort, which would make sense). Please specify.
Are containment operations ceasing because of what RPC-009 said at the end? I hope not; that would be ridiculous, and Hall wouldn't have the power to ignore an anomaly I don't think.
Impressive work! Your clinical tone needs a lot of work, and some of the parts where RPC-009's probabalistic anomaly kicks in are a bit cartoony, but this was an overall enjoyable experience. I also love the dialogue near the end. 4/5!
Requested to give crit, here all I can give:
Containment Protocols
nature of RPC-009, sightings of RPC-009
This just my opinion, but it's best to replace one of these two "RPC-009" with "it" for word variety.
My recommendation is, "Due to its unpredictable nature, sightings of RPC-009"
through cover stories citing hoaxes, interpreters, and even simple mis-identification.
Again, this just my opinion, but my recommendation is, "through multiple misinformation campaigns."
. A campaign to create a following
I see that the sentence before entangled the following ones, so here my further recommendation, "sightings of RPC-009 are to be explained to the public through through multiple misinformation campaigns revolving around false and easily disprovable evidence of “Elvis sightings” are also, which must be maintained to further (choose either encourage/increase) public skepticism and disbelief."
Again, this just my opinion.
If possible, witnesses are to be amnesticized.
Why it there a chance that we can't amnesticized folk? Like, I though it a must.
as its effects have the capability to heavily damage normalcy
A bit more recommendation won't hurt, eh? "as it may damage the normalcy veil"
as of yet have not
I have a hunch that this is rather overwordly, but I can't suggest a better version. Sorry.
It has been known that containment of RPC-009 is highly improbable. Due to recent budget concerns, containment operations may cease.
Hold on, is this an update or something? I don't get this part. I mean, yeah, I get what you trying to say, but why it's here since you already tell that the CP is to monitor and chase it before, along with the part that the cost weren't that bad.
Description
the entity dresses streetwear
"the entity dresses in streetwear"
mainly Memphis
"mainly in Memphis"
and uses this knowledge to try to avoid being
"and began to avoid"
Due to a probabilistic anomaly,
"Due to its probabilistic nature,"
This does not have to be conscious belief
I don't think this sentence is necessary doe
Authority agents
Personnel
Because of this, agents sent to contain RPC-009 after a sighting have, as of yet, failed to do so.
"Because of this, containment attempt lead to failure so far."
The activation of this anomaly often leads to RPC-009 choosing to de-manifest shortly afterward.
"RPC-009 will immediately choose to de-manifest at this point."
Individuals under the are
The are?
unaffected by RPC-009’s probabilistic anomaly, but following its de-manifestation, any memory of RPC-009 will be erased from individuals under said effect.
"unaffected by its probabilistic nature, but otherwise will be subject to its memory-alteration effect instead by having memories regarding it disappear following its de-manifestation."
Discovery
None, maybe it's a little too short, since you did mention it unaffecting only one of the folks there and didn't tell exactly how the Authority found this entity.
Containment Attempt Summary 009.1
the newly selected
"newly-elected" or "newly-appointed"
That's all I can give, good luck
Due to the unpredictable nature of RPC-009, its sightings are to be explained to the public through cover stories citing hoaxes, interpreters, and even simple misidentification.
Update: It has been known that containment of RPC-009 is highly improbable. Due to recent budget concerns, containment operations may cease.
The anomaly seems to have an innate grasp on when it’s being observed, and uses this knowledge to try to avoid being looked at directly in the face.
probabilistic
Replace all instances of "Probabilistic" with "Tychokinetic".
7:47: Agents place RPC-009 in handcuffs and pushes it to the ground, awaiting transport.
Make sure to write in the same tense.
$~ 70,000 1 Partially exploded Severarly Damaged Specialized Authority Transport Vehicle
A fun article. I am honestly surprised how much I found myself enjoying the slapstick.
Object Class: Gamma-White
Considering its uncontainable nature, it technically qualifies as an Omega-class.
its effects
nature(?)
Containment Protocols should probably account for RPC-XXX’s own unwillingness to engage in large crowd.
if any individual who notices RPC-009 designates it mentally as “Elvis Presley”
Optional: and designates
This does not have to be conscious belief
be of conscious intent
Don’t know what the specific “conscious belief” you are referring to and how it relates to the understanding of it as an anomaly.
RPC-009’s existence as an anomaly have also inevitably been affected by this effect as well.
will also inevitably be affected
proceeded to order and consume an order of mashed potatoes.
a plate of mashed potatoes.
younger personnel as to avoid
“so as to”, “in order to”, or just “to”
Agents successfully circle RPC-009
surround
revealing the lack of a hand beneath.
a visible hand
place RPC-009 in handcuffs
Um… How?
pushes it to the ground
push
It informs the agents that his name is "Elvis Presley"
If these agents doesn’t know anything about Elvis Presley, they shouldn’t be affected by the anomaly as it implied just by having a name.
RPC-009 is still unable to manifest due to an on-board camera hidden within the vehicle,
de-manifest
the windspeed changes,
wind speed
a low danger entity
low-threat
causing personnel to identify it as “Senior Researcher King”.
A comma before “causing”
A combination of anomalous and non-anomalous methods were used
I don’t like the idea of “anomalous security” to be a common place in Sites, be more specific.
all failed to to various highly improbable occurrences.
due to
The following is a transcript of the security footage taken from Director Hall’s office.
the transcript
A pause. (1st)
This one you could probably take it out entirely, Alternatively it can be replaced by putting “…” at the beginning of Hall’s line or some other form of stuttering
A pause. (3rd)
A pause. (4th)
Can be remove entirely.
The shuffling of papers can be heard.
Add description “eg. Hall shuffles through the drawer.”, the camera has footage, not just audio.
A pause. (5th)
Hall: Going to turn yourself in? I promise, yo-
“…are you”
but a great man like Presley would leave a great inprint,
imprint
No one’ll believe the middle-aged mother who thinks she saw me.
No one ‘ll
At this point, Hall had ordered security to apprehend RPC-009,
Hall had ordered
preformed by the late Elvis Aron Presley.
performed
this to be caused an unscheduled repair by a radio technician.
caused by
This is a wholesome little article. I like its character, and the idea of imprint. It's also rare to see an anomaly with an explicit expiration date attached to it. It’s good work you’ve written.
RPC-009 manifests and de-manifests when not under direct observation; because of this, it appears to seek out unobserved areas for de-manifestation.
"RPC-009 manifests and de-manifests when not under direct observation: it actively seeks for unpopulated and unobserved areas when intending to demanifest."
Due to a probabilistic anomaly, if any individual notices RPC-009 and designates it mentally as “Elvis Presley”1, said individual will become unable to successfully act with the intention of "pursuing"2 RPC-009 due to numerous improbable nonfatal events.
"Any individual who conclusively identifies RPC-009 as "Elvis Presley" will become affected by a negative probabilistic anomaly targeting any attempt to pursue RPC-009. This phenomenon manifests itself as a series of statistically improbable non-fatal events that impede approaching it."
These effects may be counteracted through the usage of QUIE glyphs
Suggest footnote and/or crosslink
The anomaly exerted its memetic effect on all surrounding individuals after manifestation save for one
"The anomaly exerted its memetic effect on all surrounding individuals after manifestation, save for a [description of the unaffected person], hereon referred to as "witness""
I have no comment. 5 stars.
/forum/t-14126190/the-king#post-