Pulp Science Fiction
Crit I'm looking for
-Grammar
-Dialogue
-Sentence structure and Flow
-Ease of Understanding
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/red-s-room
Password: NEVERFORGETEARTH
Pulp Science Fiction
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» Pulp Science Fiction
Im not gonna do another line by line because I just did a long one and it all got deleted so Ill just point out a few things that are the most important things I saw.
You type them like RPC XXX, RPC XXX-1 and sometimes just XXX or XXX-1. Unless theres a good reason for doing it like this, write it like this —-> RPC-XXX, RPC-XXX-1
If it doesn't exist in that reality shouldn't it be neutralized?
I would give this either 3/5 or a 4/5 but closer to a +3 then a +4. Its a really good read imo. Good luck talented writer!
Harold K Caztovski
Crit!
…the GRPC backup team moved in to intercept the vessel. Boarded the craft with little effort, the GRPC backup team…
I believe "they" should go before "Before". Maybe even " The team"
…nearly dead Ranger Denis Joh suffering from a right lung infection and four Cosmonauts, all of which were suffering from hypovolemia and dehydration.
This sorta reads weirdly. Like the guy is suffering from both a right lung infection and four cosmonauts. I'm sure there's some way to restructure or repunctuate, but I can't quite see it myself.
This is what your 3rd night with no sleep.
Just remove the "what"
Oh yes, longer even.
I think this could be changed to "maybe even longer" or something along those lines. Unless it's meant to come off as condescending?
Interrogator [REDACTED]: No,
Interrogator [REDACTED]: My goodness,
Interrogator [REDACTED]: So that’s why
Interrogator [REDACTED]: Speaking of which,
Interrogator [REDACTED]: No, definitely
Interrogator [REDACTED]: I’m sure the
Interrogator [REDACTED]: Egor,
Missed a redaction in these places
hay, hay!
Hay is for horses, hey is to get attention ^-^
Also, capitalize.
Overall, a very interesting article! I enjoyed it. Best of luck going forward with it!
THE FRONTIER: THE LAST BARRIER BETWEEN TITANFALL AND ATOM-PUNK IDEAS. a crit by A.M.F.C.
Aight chief, finally after dipping my toes into RPC for a while and getting back into the beat you dropped me a challenge with this article
it took me a while to read and with the semi half lore that you gave me to i will post what i think of this:
article wise it is a stable piece and a very good introductory for the AU and i feel like you did some very good work on leaving so pieces to be understandable for the reader and other to be obvious for it. honestly if it wasn't bc I'm filled to the brim with drafts i would write something for this universe
AU wise i feel as you could expand more of it into more categories and add more flavor to the cold war type of aspect.
i have no other complains rather than give it a good read proof since i noted 2 or 3 spelling errors but asides from that it is a very good article
4/5
Right!
Grammar And Tone
Due to my time constraints, I will gloss over this. However, I will ask you to use as much passive voice as you possibly can. Such things make articles seem more clinical.
RPC-XXX no longer exists within the confines of our reality, and therefore containment is impossible.
Seems redundant.
This blockade has permission to halt any attempting vessels from contacting RPC-XXX by any means they deem necessary.
Deemed.
RPC-XXX is divided between its exterior and interior.
I would reword it to say that RPC-XXX is an asteroid first, then mention it to
RPC-XXX-1, the exterior, is an asteroid 3.4 miles / 5.44 km at its widest
MURICA
(just use km)
The documents read more like a tale than a clinical recollection of events. I think some work will need to be done there.
Structure and Lore
The description is quite short, especially when compared to the discovery logs. I suggest integrating some of the discovery logs into the description.
Also, the CSS is eating up my GPU. I suggest changing it to make it less taxing.
Content
We've discussed this idea multiple times over VC, so you should know that I like it. I think the writing here accurately portrays what you mentioned, so good job.
Narrative
I've always found space exploration elements to be very enjoyable. This is no exception, and as a result I think I will be quite biased.
However, I did find the focus to be a bit "off". What is the theme of this article? To showcase the hardships that humanity endures in the future? Because this article seems to be "the GRPC finds an asteroid, then the US and USSR fight for it in token ways".
Suggested Reading/Reference Material
https://scp-wiki.wikidot.com/scp-4776
For a "discovery-heavy" article.
rpcauthority.wikidot.com/rpc-334-nc
For another article that treads similar ground.
RPC-XXX-1 is an asteroid's exterior, 3.4 miles / 5.44 km at its widest, consisting of 80% Iron, 5% nickel, 3% Gold, and 2% platinum, taken from an automated mineral sample during a craft land. The inside of RPC-XXX-1 has been hollowed out by unknown means, making room for RPC-XXX, a monolithic temple-like structure carved from the rock by unfamiliar tools.
"RPC-XXX-1 is the outer layer of an asteroid [which asteroid? there are usually designations for these], 5.44km or 3.4mi. It is composed of 80% iron, 5% nickel, 3% gold and 2% platinum, [any particular isotopes?], as determined during a craft land [what craft landed? at which date?]"
The ordering and description here is massively confusing. Just say that XXX-1 is the entire asteroid rather than the "outer layer" thereof: otherwise, the description for XXX implies that the inside of the outer layer/exterior of the asteroid has been hollowed out.
Lining the walls of RPC-XXX-1’s interior are murals depicting some alien glyphs representing a sacrificial ritual of the mind to avoid or flee some cataclysm
Massively confusing and ambiguous description. This is not a matter of tone or clinicality, it's that the brevity and subjectivity of it make no logical sense: what would make sense is a description of their physical appearance and location, followed by an interpretation or hypothesis about them.
Rubidium-strontium dating of RPC-XXX-1’s materials dates these carvings back over 10,000 years.
This method of dating would make sense for the entire asteroid, not the carvings themselves. Rubidium and strontium permeate the whole mass: carving on it does not change its Rb/Sr dating.
Persons standing on RPC-XXX-1 can cause universal distortions including; the removal of matter from the universe, allowing humans to survive in a vacuum and memetic induced psychosis.
Ther term "universal distortion" requires either further definition or replacement by a more self-explanatory term. What exactly the capabilities of XXX-1 are is left too nebulous.
Drunkmen Drive
This footnote represents a big problem inherent to attempting fusion between space fantasy & the clinicality of the format: you're stuck at an awkward middle point where introducing new mechanics is impossible without adding a decently in-depth explanation of how it works, which in turn clashes with the desired aesthetic.
Strongly suggest giving SCP-5005 a read: it handles a similar aesthetic with particular grace. In general, I suggest doing away with footnotes and using context to provide similar explanations when possible.
unexplainable alterations in the orbital trajectory of the star’s debris.
Which star's?
This description of the multi-faction politicking feels very wikia-like in that it describes the event at hand without really narrating it. I get that you need to establish group dynamics here, but you can probably do so in a more entertaining way than "X told Y that Z was A, and Y responded B"
Another consequence of the wikia-like tone is that it's so detached from the visual and aesthetic aspect of the story you're telling that barely anything really comes through. The small details and micro-scale worldbuilding that really communicate the characteristics of your universe are lost: it's better to try it out in an exploration log form, or maybe a tale.
This narration also requires some polish and rereading. It's hard to parse without several rereads: especially the speed at which elements are brought up makes it difficult to follow. Once again I suggest making this a series of actual exploration logs or tales.
CRIT CROT
I can't really find anything wrong with this, the tone, grammar, and spelling are all very consistent throughout the article, and are completely top-notch! The idea is great, and kept me interested the entire read-through. The interactive parts of articles are always great, and the part with the password was cool. The theme is great, and really matches the space theme of the article. I can't really find anything wrong with this, I would be very happy to see this on the main site. Great job!
Excellent CSS theme, by the way. Love it.
80% Iron, 5% nickel, 3% Gold, and 2% platinum
The capitalization inconsistency raises one of my eyebrows
I see the possibility for swapping RPC-XXX and RPC-XXX-1; it's a bit unorthodox and throws the read off a slight bit to have the description introduce RPC-XXX-1 first, then RPC-XXX. But it isn't really a problem I suppose. Swapping sounds like a structural nightmare by this point, so I get it if that ain't going to happen.
An eyewitness report claimed that the interior of RPC-XXX was home to a haunting of ghost aliens.
Something about the end of this sentence bottoms out the clinical tone. "…to a spectral entity of extraterrestrial appearance." Or something.
Gahd damn the CSS theme is beautiful.
Drunkmen Drive's dark energy ripple trail
I'd appreciate a footnote here if possible.
A Physics Department observation outpost .4 light-years away
Very small nitpick: the standard recommendation for some number like this is to include the "0" before the decimal point, so that misinterpretation ("I didn't see the dot.") is discouraged.
Ha, like the USSR reference.
I gotta say, the animated text boxes in the transmission messages are a gaudy touch. They look good but the animated part is totally unnecessary and doesn't buy much in the way of flashiness either. I understand that you might not have control over that part of the code.
> "Let us burdon your torch."
Is this "burden"? I'm looking up "burdon" and it is either a pilgrim's staff or a parish in England. I may be missing something here.
"with twice the amount of Drunkmen Microbes then in"
Than
While looking for a spot to land, both GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai spotted the heat signature of a spacecraft, which had its engines still running
I think "both" needs to be removed from this sentence.
The craft was small, with dimensions of 200 feet wide, 240 feet long, and 180 feet tall at their most.
Just a reminder for here and throughout, that standard is to say in the metric system.
"and 180 feet tall at their most."
Recommend removing "at their most".
"and a box-like body sporting a bright pink and purple paint job."
The clinical tone stumbles here a bit. Try something like: "… on the sides of a rectangular body. The vessel had a purple and bright pink coloration."
Alternative to these fixes, you can put the description of the craft in a quote, made by a person. That would resolve the fault in clinical tone and allow things to stay the same here.
"…fearing a potential pirate threat, issued a status report to the GRPC Physics Department observation outpost in case of the worst possible outcome."
Consider removing "in case of the worst possible outcome", I don't think it adds much that isn't already insinuated by the potential piracy concern.
"Landing 570ft away, both Rangers hiked over to the craft to explore its interior. Consisting of nothing aside from an engine room in the top overlooking the two thrusters, a loading bay in the rear positioned between the two engines, and an enormous, lavish bedroom in the front, adorned with Sudo Greco-roman architecture."
The second sentence here isn't complete, it's a phrase. You can fix this by adding "It consisted of…" I'd also remove "nothing aside from" and "Busts of Alexander the Great were everywhere" for tone purposes, again, unless you want to make this a direct quote of someone.
I honestly think that is the best and easiest fix for this Pink Craft Discovery section. No need to correct it to taught clinical tone in that case, and it gives the article more character imo. So I'll break off from clinical tone crit in this section at this point.
"Paraphernalia of a fictional ’90s that did not undergo Sol Wars "
I recommend including "timeline" after "'90s" here.
Windows 9500, lol
"from (follow the orders of anyone lying down in bed) to (follow orders from anyone wearing a GRPC logo),"
Recommend putting this whole part as a footnote and changing the parentheses to brackets [ ].
"before the RPC’d eclipse it."
Not sure what's going on here.
The dialogue in Vega System Two-Way Communiqué #1, which feels a little juvenile with the "Vodka breath" and playground-esque fightin' words. There are a lot of typos in this collapsible too:
- "Beware all ships, the moons fury burns " —> "moon's"
- "This is Sgt Vanta Ngai piolet for the GRPC" —> "pilot"
- "S.S. Leonov, you're ship is not permitted" —> "your"
Although these technically could be an intentional typo of the character I guess…
"making escaping from the surface of RPC-XXX-1 "
Try on "making escape from the surface"
"in a hail mary attempt to save their lives."
Again, the clinical tone should be revisited or this framed as a direct quote. I'd change it to: "in a desperation attempt to save their lives."
"Their ashes then rising, escaping the circle to make a new one."
This is not a complete sentence, might need to fix it onto the previous one with a comma or semi-colon in place of the period.
"suspended in mid-air by zero gravity."
Either "suspended in air" or "suspended in zero gravity". Including both is a bit repetitive.
" sitting down on a pile of rocks as if it was a rocking chair, even mimicking the behavior of someone rocking back and forth."
My suggestion: "sitting down on a pile of rocks and rocking back and forth, mimicking the behavior of a rocking chair."
" in the left humerus and cervical by a rocket"
Add the word "spine" after "cervical".
" Believing this ship’s screw was responsible"
Should be "crew".
I think the dialogue in the first addendum is really good. Highlight of the work imo.
Pvt. Egor Moskal: You think because you got my superior officer to crack, I would too?
Interrogator █████: That's what your Space Soviets are known for—one for all and all for one.
Pvt. Egor Moskal: The Korabelnaya Respublika is a strong people, the future protectorate of humanity!"
I think you're missing a couple spaces between the lines of dialogue here.
The ONOS platform is really well done. I love the input interactivity. The GD splash notice is also refreshing in its novelty.
"Just tell me what you saw?"
A period here.
GRPC Ranger Denis Joh: The Moon.
Investigator Richard Hill: The moon?
Capitalization inconsistency.
"Overview: -Interview 002 is for Galactic Director’s ears only; if you are not a Galactic Director and are listening to this, you are in breach of GRPC Protocol. Please stop the recording now, and you will be left off with heavy amnestics."
There's a couple things wrong with this, but I'd recommend just leaving it off, because it just repeats what is already stated in the header.
████████: No can do Director. You're too valuable to us.
Galactic Director ███████: But-
Missing a space between these lines.
You have a great and refreshing vocabulary. I think your strengths are dialogue and I would encourage you to consider converting the prose of the Exploration and Extraction logs to similar dialogue via audio feeds. That's a lot of work, but I think it would strengthen the article a lot too. I'd say clinical tone is good enough but a possible area of improvement. I'd recommend Von's articles; he has that mastered, among others.
My only overall complaint is that I was really intrigued by a hollowed-out asteroid with a pseudo-religious structure inside, but it felt like that momentum was quickly forgotten about and the article became more about space skirmishes and the pink ship. I would have liked the actual anomaly to have made its way more visibly and explicitly in the article.
I can't really say I understand the very end, but maybe that just means I need to read it again. I certainly wouldn't mind doing that :)
If detection of RPC-XXX is re-established, a blockade of 12 GRPC Jupiter 3 ships must be established around RPC-XXX as soon as possible.
If contact… is re-established
GRPC Jupiter-3 ships
a blockade… must be imposed
This blockade has permission to halt any attempting vessels from contacting RPC-XXX by any means they deemed necessary.
Optional: The GRPC fleet has the permission to halt any encroaching vessels from…
consisting of 80% Iron, 5% nickel, 3% Gold, and 2% platinum,
Inconsistent capitalization.
taken from an automated mineral sample during GRPC Jupiter-3's touchdown.
Arguably, this (or the first mention of GRPC J3 above) should have been the point to insert footnote instead of later.
Paragraph about the Destabilization Hazard.
This part is messy. RPC-XXX now seemingly refers to the asteroid and monolith as a whole (or the destabilization, it is unclear), “source of RPC-XXX” is very vague and again, what are you trying to say? That RPC-XXX is the source of destabilization? That RPC-XXX has a source, how would they know? And what exactly does RPC-XXX have anything to do with it, why would it be “RPC-XXX displays anomalous properties” if said effects purportedly extends to the whole universe with feats of “removing matter from the universe”
standard Galactic time
Probably should’ve been “Standard Galactic Time” but I don’t know.
Galactic Latitude 19.24°,
noticed unexplainable alterations in the orbital trajectory of the star’s debris
Paragraph is randomly split in half.
Nizhniy Nova-gorod
Slight tangent; Gorky was not named Nizhny Novgorod until after the fall of the Union. Novgorod by itself already meant “Newtown” so you just weirdly inserted an English word in there for no reason.
GRPC fired transmission bursts ordering a cease and desist order to all nearby ships HVT Nizhniy Nova-gorod and HVT Big Apple.
to all nearby ships…
(You are specifically referring to those 2 ships in this sentence.)
HVT was never explained.
While looking for a spot to land, GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai spotted the heat signature of a spacecraft, which had its engines still running—parked on the dark side of the asteroid.
the asteroid RPC-XXX-1
(The RPC itself was never mentioned anywhere in the Discovery, and you have not mention the asteroid for so long and so I can’t really tell when exactly is it that RPC-XXX-1 was actually found, by Alan or the two men.)
GRPC Ranger, fearing a potential pirate threat,
“The GRPC Ranger”
(with or without GRPC)
who’d made its presence known when GRPC [Ranger] jumped onto the bed, offering if it wished the bedroom lights to be adjusted.
[Ranger]?
asking if he wished
(What is up with this bracket pair)
Questioning Windows 9500 made it clear that it’d been keeping the ship operational since its captain’s departure 146 days ago.
it has been
Upon further questioning personal favorite colors and opinions on mundane topics,
questioning of
aside from a small palm tree that had been believed to have gone extinct after the extinction of all life on Earth.
was believed to
the S.S. Lunar Lover took aggressive actions against the S.S. Leonov, which took aggressive actions,
who then proceeded to retaliate with aggression,
in an attempt to destroy the S.S. Lunar Lover before the RPC eclipsed it.
“the asteroid”, “the anomaly” or whatnot
leading to an unguided and unintended hit on and around the landing site of the GRPC craft Jupiter-3.
the GRPC Jupiter-3 craft
pilot for the GRPC
“pilot for the Jupiter-3” / “Ranger of the GRPC”
GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai decided to abandon the already damaged decompressing ship to shelter in the pink craft.
the already damaged and decompressing ship
GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai took refuge within the RPC despite GRPC Ranger Denis Joh’s protests.
within RPC-XXX
(RPC-XXX was never mentioned prior)
Suit camera footage shows GRPC Rocketeer was also affected by the anomalous burst,
“Rocketeers were”, otherwise, which Rocketeer? This is the point where I noticed the rank/occupation(?) difference, it would've helped that you say their name like “Rocketeer Ngai” instead of just “GRPC Rocketeer” in spite of the (possibly) military tone you are trying to go for, especially since “Rangers” seems to be the common term for operatives of the GRPC as far as I know.
being unexplainably moved deeper into the cave with no entrance or exit in sight.
inexplicably
ending his suit cam recording.
suit’s
Unexplainably, shortly before sitting down inside RPC-XXX, Vanta Nagi turning into stone before rapidly disintegrating into dust.
Inexplicably,
turned to stone
A GRPC Ranger never leaves one of his own behind,
“Rocketeer”?
I wan't all ships to open fire on the anomally!
I want… anomaly
Upon entering, Ranger Denis Joh demanded that he wanted Windows 9500 to take off from the asteroid,
Ranger… demanded that Windows 9500 take off from…
This makes your 3rd night with no sleep.
“This marks” / “This makes it”
What a coincidence, so are were!
so are we
Herd it a hundred times.
Heard
an RPC that no longer exists within a given space.
“within GRPC’s reach” you mean? Otherwise you never said anything about the asteroid vanishing from reality.
-Interview 002 is a cording between Galactic Director ███████ and ████████ from ████████.
recording
It’s happened again.
It
You are aware of the measures you force me to take?
“you have forced” / “you are forcing”
The piece to set up the GRPC canon. The article is alright but I think it might be too little too ambitious, trying to establish the GRPC, USA, USSR, the destruction of Earth and the new grim shadowy figure at the end, so ultimately that's why the Asteroid almost felt like it was forgotten near the end of the article.
I found myself having to refer back to the Design Doc a few times. I understand that you are trying to strike a balance between explaining things and referring too much to the point of breaking immersion but things like equipment and stuff probably would still warrant explanation. Alternatively though, you could explain them later on in future entries so don't take this as a demand for everything to be explained right away.
Apologies, crit didn't seem to be posted last time I pinged.
If detection of RPC-XXX is re-established, a blockade of 12 GRPC Jupiter 3 ships must be established around RPC-XXX as soon as possible.
If contact… is re-established
GRPC Jupiter-3 ships
a blockade… must be imposed
This blockade has permission to halt any attempting vessels from contacting RPC-XXX by any means they deemed necessary.
Optional: The GRPC fleet has the permission to halt any encroaching vessels from…
consisting of 80% Iron, 5% nickel, 3% Gold, and 2% platinum,
Inconsistent capitalization.
taken from an automated mineral sample during GRPC Jupiter-3's touchdown.
Arguably, this (or the first mention of GRPC J3 above) should have been the point to insert footnote instead of later.
Paragraph about the Destabilization Hazard.
This part is messy. RPC-XXX now seemingly refers to the asteroid and monolith as a whole (or the destabilization, it is unclear), “source of RPC-XXX” is very vague and again, what are you trying to say? That RPC-XXX is the source of destabilization? That RPC-XXX has a source, how would they know? And what exactly does RPC-XXX have anything to do with it, why would it be “RPC-XXX displays anomalous properties” if said effects purportedly extends to the whole universe with feats of “removing matter from the universe”
standard Galactic time
Probably should’ve been “Standard Galactic Time” but I don’t know.
Galactic Latitude 19.24°,
noticed unexplainable alterations in the orbital trajectory of the star’s debris
Paragraph is randomly split in half.
Nizhniy Nova-gorod
Slight tangent; Gorky was not named Nizhny Novgorod until after the fall of the Union. Novgorod by itself already meant “Newtown” so you just weirdly inserted an English word in there for no reason.
GRPC fired transmission bursts ordering a cease and desist order to all nearby ships HVT Nizhniy Nova-gorod and HVT Big Apple.
to all nearby ships…
(You are specifically referring to those 2 ships in this sentence.)
HVT was never explained.
While looking for a spot to land, GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai spotted the heat signature of a spacecraft, which had its engines still running—parked on the dark side of the asteroid.
the asteroid RPC-XXX-1
(The RPC itself was never mentioned anywhere in the Discovery, and you have not mention the asteroid for so long and so I can’t really tell when exactly is it that RPC-XXX-1 was actually found, by Alan or the two men.)
GRPC Ranger, fearing a potential pirate threat,
“The GRPC Ranger”
(with or without GRPC)
who’d made its presence known when GRPC [Ranger] jumped onto the bed, offering if it wished the bedroom lights to be adjusted.
[Ranger]?
asking if he wished
(What is up with this bracket pair)
Questioning Windows 9500 made it clear that it’d been keeping the ship operational since its captain’s departure 146 days ago.
it has been
Upon further questioning personal favorite colors and opinions on mundane topics,
questioning of
aside from a small palm tree that had been believed to have gone extinct after the extinction of all life on Earth.
was believed to
the S.S. Lunar Lover took aggressive actions against the S.S. Leonov, which took aggressive actions,
who then proceeded to retaliate with aggression,
in an attempt to destroy the S.S. Lunar Lover before the RPC eclipsed it.
“the asteroid”, “the anomaly” or whatnot
leading to an unguided and unintended hit on and around the landing site of the GRPC craft Jupiter-3.
the GRPC Jupiter-3 craft
pilot for the GRPC
“pilot for the Jupiter-3” / “Ranger of the GRPC”
GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai decided to abandon the already damaged decompressing ship to shelter in the pink craft.
the already damaged and decompressing ship
GRPC Rocketeer Vanta Ngai took refuge within the RPC despite GRPC Ranger Denis Joh’s protests.
within RPC-XXX
(RPC-XXX was never mentioned prior)
Suit camera footage shows GRPC Rocketeer was also affected by the anomalous burst,
“Rocketeers were”, otherwise, which Rocketeer?
being unexplainably moved deeper into the cave with no entrance or exit in sight.
inexplicably
ending his suit cam recording.
suit’s
Unexplainably, shortly before sitting down inside RPC-XXX, Vanta Nagi turning into stone before rapidly disintegrating into dust.
Inexplicably,
turned to stone
A GRPC Ranger never leaves one of his own behind,
“Rocketeer”?
I wan't all ships to open fire on the anomally!
I want… anomaly
Upon entering, Ranger Denis Joh demanded that he wanted Windows 9500 to take off from the asteroid,
Ranger… demanded that Windows 9500 take off from…
This makes your 3rd night with no sleep.
“This marks” / “This makes it”
What a coincidence, so are were!
so are we
Herd it a hundred times.
Heard
an RPC that no longer exists within a given space.
“within GRPC’s reach” you mean? Otherwise you never said anything about the asteroid vanishing from reality.
-Interview 002 is a cording between Galactic Director ███████ and ████████ from ████████.
recording
It’s happened again.
It
You are aware of the measures you force me to take?
“you have forced” / “you are forcing”
/forum/t-14114714/pulp-science-fiction#post-