http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/crepe-cake-ii
Thanks in advance.
What are some other ways I can tie this into site lore?
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/crepe-cake-ii
Thanks in advance.
What are some other ways I can tie this into site lore?
Jesus Christ what is this? (another placeholder, you guessed)
Hazard Types
Not mandatory, but you should use the images for hazards. They look good.
The details of RPC
RPC-XXX
January 20th
What year? Don't wanna say it, put it but censor it.
nation-states
Nations OR states. Or if you talk about the US (probable), the federal or state governments.
preventative measures
palliative measures
taken on behalf of this private sector.
for the private sector
The surface composition of the object is 90% gold, 3% diamond, and 7% various mundane metals.
The surface composition of this object is estimated to be 90%…
with our non-ballistic
our. You're speaking of several member-states, so not "our".
private citizen
individual, not citizen.
Nothing to say on the UNAAC notice.
I and my colleagues
"my colleagues" go first.
cabal of individuals
"group" of individuals
represents for global security
"(has been granted/is handling)"
We cannot remove that understanding
"alter/diminish" that understanding.
Failing the task
Failure to accomplish…/Failure to fulfill…
will mean
"would mean". Use conditional as it will comfort GD-FORGE's argument.
that those who decry the Authority
"for" those…
can point to as justification for such a removal of power
"will be able to point as their justification for our removal from power".
Whether a genuine request or not
"this is a"…
ask that the cabal would be looking for
You missed a t?
Thank you for this. I belieeeeve this is done, or close to it. I appreciate the points, and have made some changes. I didn't take your advice on some of these. I would be more than happy to explain why in DMs; just didn't want you to think I didn't consider your suggestions.
Suggest you space the collapsibles a bit. They're probably hard to tap on in mobile.
I don't like the comms relay div very much. It's lacking some padding between the borders and the text, maybe with a brief preface describing the participants of the conversation.
3. UDA - Universal Digital Asset - the global cryptocurrency of the Earth and the basis for all financial transactions. A cryptocurrency is “a form of money that uses cryptography to control its creation and transactions, rather than a central authority.”
This part pushes this article into the realm of non-canon to me. Too many implications that could possibly choke future writing possibilities, in contrast to your previous two space articles. Latter world-building lines (esp. the Mars colony reference: not because there is a Mars colony, but when that Mars colony is.) push it further in this sense.
REP. YUNG: It doesn't make sense because that much gold dumped onto the market would ruin its scarcity. Which is why it is valuable in the first place.
DR. A'BEARN: The price of gold would plummet on the market.
REP. WILLIAMS: So if everyone has 10 billion UDA, no one is rich.
REP. YUNG: Yes, but before that, they wouldn't even get the 10 billion. The price of gold would become like the price of copper.
These lines feel a little too handhold-y to me. Most readers will likely know the basic principles of economy. The Seventh Pact footnote should have this kind of explanation.
Retalliate -> retaliate (UN notice, fifth paragraph)
It's surface illuminates
Its
Contact is made with the outer orbital of high-shell satellite arrays, obliterating numerous units. GPS interruptions occur throughout the Earth.
Little weird that there's no contingency or backup for this exact circumstance, given that it's been known that this was gonna happen — maybe just some mention of a few satellites being hauled away or propelling themselves out of the asteroid's trajectory would be enough.
Absolutely adored this. Dripping with creativity, with a fun and vindicating ending. Wonder if 2045-YA will come for a second — and presumably faster — visit.
I think the initial articles deserves a little more flesh to it, though. Some more description of the properties and justification (even if only a cover-up excuse) for its classification as an RPC. I'm also not sure why it's still Omega-Black and has dedicated conprocs if it is out of the solar system and likely to never return.
Framing the previous entries part as something not belonging to the normal database file and/or classified is also a good idea for the sake of consistency.
Hey thanks this is very helpful. I spaced the collapsibles, juiced up the intercepted comms div a touch. I hear you about the restrictive lore-building for so near in the future, and I don't want to step on any toes, so I pushed it out 400 years. Hope that is a nice compromise. I took out most of the hand-holding on the basic economics. I added an excerpt from the official words about the Seventh Pact. I also added a bit of contingency for existing satellites, and put a bit more in the description and conprols to justify it a bit more, including an update to "Neutralized" (presumed).
Very glad you liked it.
I hear you about the restrictive lore-building for so near in the future, and I don't want to step on any toes, so I pushed it out 400 years.
That is better, but I think it'd be most comfortable if you pushed it to the non-canon section of articles. Just in case, really.
Good luck!
Right!
Grammar And Tone
Due to my time constraints, I will gloss over this. However, I will ask you to use as much passive voice as you possibly can. Such things make articles seem more clinical.
RPC-334-NC is the designation given to a near-miss, potential extinction-level event on Earth in the year 2045.
If there is a clinical term for near-miss asteroids, I am not sure this is it. If it is, however, please ignore this.
RPC-334-NC was heralded by the identification of 2045-YA (aka NEO1 2045BYYA-1839), a low-orbit asteroid 2.3km in diameter that was set to dip below Earth's satellites in late January
Add comma.
On the evening of January 20th, 2045, 2045-YA abruptly changed its course to turn towards Earth. Its descent was suspended,
Having read the article, I know the asteroid turned away. But this line suggests it came towards Earth abruptly. Suggested "turn away from/against Earth".
That's it. I think the grammar's ready after these fixes.
Structure and Lore
I think integrating the Initial Report into the Description of the report would help the pacing. Right now, it looks off with the description only being 2 short paragraphs accompanied by 7 collapsibles.
I think there are also those concerned with the futuristic time period of this article. I think a lot of us don't see the UN creating hyperinflation in cryptocurrencies by the 2040s. Maybe the 2080s to 90s. This is not a dealbreaker in this article.
Content
The mystery of an asteroid that zipped away for no good reason is a good one. I really don't have much to say; this space mystery stuff is right up my alley.
Narrative
I have a single nitpick: the lack of foreshadowing of the anomaly that got humanity out of this mess. This feels like an unearned Deus Ex Machina at times, and would benefit from it being foreshadowed. Something like an offhand joke comment about it by the UN would be how I'd do it, but I'm sure you can come up with stuff.
Suggested Reading/Reference Material
This is a fairly unique article, and I can't think of anything right now that would help it.
A reluctant 5 because of the aforementioned nitpick, fixable with a single sentence. 5 when that gets fixed.
Good luck!