funnny statue
things i need crit on:
- ways to improve action scene
- if i go on for way too long
- ways i could possibly remove things before getting to the action scene
- if the action scene even fits
funnny statue
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» funnny statue
Summary:
173 ripoff
cry about it
Crit
The Statue of Liberty is probabalistically near-indestructible.
To
The Statue of Liberty is probabilistically near-indestructible.
Reason: Proper Spelling
it will transmutate into an indestructible, fully-functional,
To
it will transmute into an indestructible, fully functional,
Reason: Proper Spelling
Large-scale mass calamaties (geographical collapse, destruction of entire planet, etc.)
To
Large-scale mass calamities (geographical collapse, destruction of the entire planet, etc.)
Reason: Proper Spelling
Statue of Liberty instances transmutated into said automata
To
Statue of Liberty instances that transmute into said automata
Reason: Proper spelling
with RPC-HHH-1 instances have multiversally failed.
To
with RPC-HHH-1 instances have multiversal failed.
Reason: Proper grammar
has been hidden from public eye instead.
To
has been hidden from the public eye instead
Reason: Proper Grammer
The Statue of Liberty's probabalistic near-indestructability was discovered after the "Black Tom" incident. On July 30, 1916, German agents destroyed a connection Black
To
The Statue of Liberty's probabilistic near-indestructibility was discovered after the "Black Tom" incident. On July 30, 1916, German agents destroyed a connection, Black
Reason: Proper Spelling and grammar
RPC-HHH were discovered through usage of multiversal observation.
To
RPC-HHH was discovered through the usage of multiversal observation.
Reason: Proper Grammer
Instance is controlled by an alternate Chinese government
To
The instance is controlled by an alternate Chinese government
Reason: Proper grammar
Instance formed in an universe in which intelligent life never appeared in the observable universe. Instance is
To
Instance formed in a universe in which intelligent life never appeared in the observable universe. An Instance is
Reason: Proper Grammer
Instance existant in universe in which the universe has been colonized by a race of hostile humanoid beings. Said beings' brain structure is the same as the Statue of Liberty, giving them probabalistic immortality.
To
Instance existent in-universe in which the universe has been colonized by a race of hostile humanoid beings. Said beings' brain structure is the same as the Statue of Liberty, giving them probabilistic immortality
Reason: Proper Grammer
only did ALTR-BUI7 not break RPC-HHH, but its instance of the Statue of Liberty had also,
To
only did ALTR-BUI7 not break RPC-HHH, its instance of the Statue of Liberty had,
Reason: Proper Grammer
digital devices and files from ALTR-D2AJ "Remnants"
To
digital devices, and files from ALTR-D2AJ "Remnants"
been converted into a large scale multiversal
To
been converted into a large-scale multiversal
Reason: Proper grammar
not seem to effect gas, as air
To
not seem to affect gas, like air
Reason: Proper Grammer
state before evacuation
To
state before an evacuation
Reason: Proper Grammer
from 50 meters away. A-672 attacks happen at exactly midday,
To
from 50 meters away. A-672 attacks happen at exact midday,
Reason: Proper Grammer
A-672 also appear to have a secondary aggression towards places in NYC with symbolic meaning - as of the current day, the Empire State building,
To
A-672 also appears to have secondary aggression towards places in NYC with symbolic meaning - as of the current day, the Empire State Building,
Reason: Proper Grammer and spelling
The current reason for this is unkown.
To
The current reason for this is unknown.
Reason: Proper Spelling
Evacuation of civilians into subways has been effective but its efficiency is subpar.
To
The evacuation of civilians into subways has been effective but its efficiency is subpar.
Usually by usage of ACS blood attacks.
To
Usually by the usage of ACS blood attacks.
Reason: Proper Grammer
blares into the night air, as if
To
blares into the night air as if
Reason: Proper Grammer
Suddenly, the shrimp lets out a deafening roar.
To
Suddenly, the shrimplets out a deafening roar.
Reason: Proper grammar
From within its carapace it
To
From within its carapace, it
Reason: Proper Grammer
coalesce in the single point. Seemingly ignoring the refugees, the shrimps crawl onto eachother like worms,
To
coalesce in a single point. Seemingly ignoring the refugees, the shrimps crawl onto each other like worms,
Reason: Proper grammar
"melt" together, their shilluote now encompassing
To
"melt" together, their silhouette now encompassing
Reason: Proper Spelling
Its too late, this time. The creature's claws clamp
To
It's too late, this time. The creature's claws clamp
Reason: Proper Grammer
creatures made of chitin and tin and a sky of
To
creatures made of chitin, and tin and a sky of
Reason: Proper Grammer
Overall thoughts: Fix the grammar, the idea is good, but a bit on sentence flow and how you convey information. Fix all the problems I mentioned and it'll be a solid 5/5.
Sup dyke
RPC Authority
Just say Authority
ok
ACS level
wtf is a ACS level?
second list
Why is the second list not in a text box but the first one is?
and the creation of an instance of RPC-HHH-1 is referred to as a "BARTHOLDI" event.
while the creation of said instance is to be referred to as a "BARTHOLDI" event.
Instances move stiffly, only able to locomote each perceived "joint". All instances are heavily armed with modern-day weapons, no matter the time period, and can traverse at speeds up to 230 km/h12 with high levels of dexterity. Communication attempts with RPC-HHH-1 attempts have multiversally failed.
Make this its own paragraph
Instances move stiffly
Instances move in a stiff fashion
RPC-HHH-1 behavior depends upon the behavior and perception of the United States of America
RPC-HHH-1's
This just reads weirdly to me.
Overall, the idea is very homo, but in a good way. A lot fo the sentences read weird but I believe in you to find those yourself. I like the idea though. Gl!
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
The alteration of the ACS level to fulfill the first example
Pretty lazy exampling honestly. How about a full geographical collapse or tsunami?
RPC-HHH-1 behavior depends upon the behavior and perception of the United States of America in the universe in which it was created. In Universes in which the United States is a democratic nation RPC-HHH-1 instances are generally passive, while universes in which the United States is authoritarian the RPC-HHH-1 instance will often be highly aggressive. In universes in which the United States or no parallel to the United States ever existed, RPC-HHH-1 will presume a "wandering" behavior.
Suggest separating the focus from the US. If it's its own weird thing it just feels better.
Engraved within all Statues of Liberty is a message in an unknown language, similar to that found in ████████. Due to RPC-HHH, said message is impossible to remove, and therefore has been hidden from public eye instead. Linguistical analysis utilizing the Authority's various AI systems has created a rough translation algorithm. Translated to English, it reads:
How exactly are these engravings placed? Are they added at some random point during construction, do they just appear…?
utilized to evacuate individuals from ALTR-D2AJ to baseline reality.
This is kind of an overused cliché about Remnants — suggest you talk about it with Tarb.
Other than that, I think this is fine and dandy. The Remnants narrative is whatever, but it serves big kaiju fight so it works. This is also an anomaly that could benefit from having some kinda test log or instance log that really takes the idea to its limit: what about a reality in which the SoL only exists in conceptual form? If no US can exist, does it just appear by random air currents slowly deteriorating rock in very specific ways? What about instances that are Soviet or Chinese or French instead of american? What about a nebula that has its general shape? What about exploiting rule #2 to hold a full conceptual copy of the SoL in your brain, thus preventing you from dying because it would result in that information being damaged or destroyed?
CROT
of laws affecting Statue of Libertys constructed
Judging by the way the sentence is structured, I think the "s" at the end of Liberty isn't supposed to be there.
Were the Statue of Liberty in a position in which its destruction is certain
Change this sentence to: The Statue of Liberty must be in a position where its destruction is certain.
a similar pose to baseline
Change to: a similar pose to the baseline statue
no matter the time period,
Remove this sentence as it doesn't add anything to the article itself.
behavior is passive at best, chaotic at worst
Add "and" after the comma.
That's all I was able to find, this is pretty good, and seems well put together. Overall I rate this a 4/5.
alpha-white
I am fairly certain this would have greater destruction capability than white. Perhaps purple would be more fitting?
is probabalistically
probabilistically
it will transmutate
transmute
autonomous automata
autonomous automata seems very redundant. perhaps autonomous entity would be more fitting here
Large-scale mass calamaties
calamities
destruction of entire planet
destruction of the entire planet
instances transmutated
transmuted
locomote each perceived "joint"
locomote is not typically used in reference to joints. i belive bend would be more fitting here
modern-day weapons
contemporary weapons
from public eye
from the public eye
Linguistical
Linguist
I am not finished yet but hopefully these SPAG crits should help for now.
/forum/t-14091172/funnny-statue#post-