RPC-337 / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page RPC-337.

ieatcrepes 21 Apr 2021 02:50

Crit & Thanks

Thanks to Anderlouxe and Almarduk for giving this crit, seen here:
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/forum/t-14062476/short-and-sweet-rpc

Image Credits

• https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Pillars_of_creation_2014_HST_WFC3-UVIS_full-res_denoised.jpg#mw-jump-to-license - Edited
• https://pixabay.com/vectors/mother-hold-baby-mom-child-4054863/ - Edited

Spoilers/Easter Eggs

Compare this image of the Pillars of Creation to to the original, here. See anything different? What do the additions make the shape of the nebula look like to you?
Also, can you find the second picture listed in the "Image Credits" collapsible above? Hint: It is light blue-ish in the picture.

These photo edits are meant to answer the un-answered question "Well, what do the parents think of their child now?" Unspoken, I think this answer is a more evocative story-telling component, and puts the reader in the realism of the Authority staff… they don't have the luxury of the answer yet. But the answer is there in the details.

Wit Grzegorzewski 22 Apr 2021 18:47

A hiccup:

and will represent for a very long time

Change to: "and will represent for a prolonged period of time"

Due to the impending mission, the unique demands of employment at the Authority, and hoping for a normal life for their child, James and Ellen decided early in the pregnancy that they would put Eunice up for adoption. Soon after birth, she was taken in by a loving family, the █████████ family of █████, MS (address ██████████████). Eunice was college educated, enjoyed a productive professional life as an educator, was happily married, and had 3 children of her own. She died peacefully at the age of 89, surrounded by her loved ones. It is unclear if she was ever aware of her history as an adoptee.

Change to:

Due to the impending mission and the demands of employment at the Authority, James and Ellen decided early in the pregnancy that Eunice would be put up for adoption. Soon after birth, she was taken in by the █████████ family of █████, MS (address ██████████████). Eunice was college educated, graduating as a professional educator, and was married with 3 children. She died at the age of 89. It is unclear if Eunice was ever aware of her history as an adoptee.

Issues with clinical tone similar to these two are present across the article.

Despite that, the initial concept was enough to get me hooked right away, along with some immersive yet not overbearing technical speak. The reveal of RPC-337's cause hit me like a truck and had me thoroughly reeled in. I also really love how this is set in the future, it makes it all the more realistic to me, unlike other AEDF materials which take place in the past or modern day (but are still really good!). 4/5, tremendous work!

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ieatcrepes 23 Apr 2021 02:10

Thank you for these improvements. I decided to leave the pillowy, obituary-esque tone in on the last quote. I was initially going to change it at your recommendation because yours is much more in line with clinical tone. But then I realized that by enclosing this document in with the message to the Bagleys (see the Update), it is the closest thing to an obituary that they would ever get of their deceased daughter. From their vantage point, they know she is dead, but don't know anything about her life.

I'm going to bend the tone in this part for that reason, for better or for worse.

Excellent eye you have.

Wit Grzegorzewski 23 Apr 2021 03:07

Thanks! I respect your decision!

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5150wned 18 Jul 2021 16:37

4/5 overall

3/5 premise. Strange thing in space in the future.
5/5 delivery. Well done on a narrative article with a rewarding payoff.
5/5 grammar. Reads easily with different tones in the right places.

TomatointheMirror 27 Oct 2021 18:54

this is a fantastic mix of bizarre and emotional. I would even say it's one of the best articles I've read so far.

Last edited on 27 Oct 2021 18:55 by TomatointheMirror Show more