http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/crepe-cake-ii
Thank you in advance.
Object Class: Omega Yellow
It's Omega-Yellow, with the hyphen.
indicate that RPC is pulling the Earth
"indicate that RPC-### is pulling the Earth"
The displacement of the Earth as a result of this force is ~3,000 km/year.
"is of approximately 3,000 […]" A complete phrase kind of look better than ~ (we're not on IRC damnit)
as a result of RPC
"as a result of the effects/properties(?) of RPC-###"
observation and analysis
Usually, the interpretation of observable events is done on the spot, without a wait time. In space agencies (not the case here), further analysis can be conducted by computer or manual review, but seeing as the discovery is made by amateurs, that seems a little bit odd.
UNNAC
Did you mean UNAAC? If not, I suggest you put a footnote with the meaning of that one because I'm kinda confused right now.
Addendum:
Subtle variations in the […]
No paragraph break between the "Addendum:" and the "Subtle". It applies to the second addendum as well.
OPERATION TALL EAGLE
I don't really see the point of CAPS LOCKING this the whole time. Maybe in the image caption is okay, but the rest? Mmm…
and in hopes
"and, hoping for a normal life […]", seems more appropriate to me.
finished the remaining 3 weeks of the training program in a fraction of the time
Maybe something more like "finished the remaining 3 weeks of the training program in a speedy manner" or "an accelerated fashion"?
and has received 6 updates
"and HQ has received […]"
the mission's blueprint
"the mission's roadmap" seems better to me.
expected 02.10.2271
"expected around […]" and the final dot.
Honestly, I liked that experience very much. Pretty interesting, especially the context around the Bagley family (is there an IRL background to it? If not, congrats on creating this whole story).
Pretty good draft, only a few corrections needed. As to my personal opinion, I'd rate it not below four as it is, and five with the corrections.
(I'll take a cookie for payment, thanks :3)
These are great recommendations, I’ll make probably every one. Thanks for reading.
🍪
A simple amnestic regimen was administered covertly to the amateurs during an interview, and NASA as well as all governmental space programs complied with the Authority's disinformation operations, as established by the UNAAC's Foreign Asset Informational Compliance Act (FAICA).
"To the amateurs" sounds a little nonclinical to me. How about "the reporting individuals" or something among those lines?
I don't see exactly what this discovery section provides to the article. It just informs us that it was discovered and the discoverers were amnesticized.
I feel like the ending is kind of a let-down. The article is building toward a pseudo-twist of sorts — the kind that is typical of your articles — in that something is revealed that puts the entire anomaly into question, but it is simply cut off before that. It doesn't really feel like a shaggy dog / short but sweet kind of thing, more as if the narrative was incomplete.
I get that you're trying to do something different with this article, but the general concept here is just too good to let go with a narrative cut short: meeting your child's ghost is a rare concept that deserves more attention. Perhaps you could do one or two more addenda to keep the shortness, maybe adding one response to give some more development to that side of the story. Maybe James and Ellen just so happen to have been thinking more frequently of their daughter, and had been secretly hoping to see her among the stars? Maybe they have some commentary on the matter that could put everything under a new light — perhaps as a play on or subversion of the "Pillars of Creation" name?
Thanks! I’ll make that tone change for sure, good catch.
There is no twist intended, just a simple show-no-tell. The parents’ regret & unfulfilled love for their by-then deceased child is the force moving the Earth, the bittersweet thought that it is impressive in its power but negligible thanks to the indifference of space. Sounds like my history and style meta’d your expectations of this one there, and that’s fair.
I see your other points. I’ll give it a go without the discovery and see how it looks.
The decision to not provide any more insight from the parents’ perspective is probably the most deliberate decision of the composition for me though. Doing so would be at the expense of the isolation and feeling of distance & loss, and would be the tell to the show. The article gives sufficient information to conclude that their present emotional state is one of very high duress, which is what has led the researcher to bring up the relationship in the message to them to begin with. Any remainder of what you are looking for in that regard is in the photoshopping of the image imo. (Take a peek at an image of the original pillars of creation.) So we’ll agree to disagree there!
Great suggestions as always.