Soviet Angel
Any crit is appreciated.
Soviet Angel
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Summary:
The USSR was maybe a bit too ambitious with this one.
Unauthorized ships detected near Authority sites and/or RPC-733 are to be immediately re-directed away from RPC-733.
I think you should specify how near. For example, 20km. You might want to consider either shrinking or growing them to fit what you imagined (since this is in the middle of nowhere, I can think that this range can be enlarged). This is pretty much optional, so don't bother yourself with this part.
The amount of these wings appear to vary varies, often ranging from 7 - 13.
RPC-733 has also demonstrated sentience and appears to possess an awareness of objects around it (See Document "Soviet Iron Initiative - RDS-71 Aftermath").
The temperature of the center of RPC-733 is estimated to be approximately 5,555,555,555,537° C, thus, ##yellow|it# is believed to be composed of quark-gluon plasma.
That's 370370.8093 times the temperature within the core of our sun. I know this is explained later but damn.
Further observation of this temperature anomaly has revealed that RPC-733 appears to be actively absorbing thermal energy from its surroundings, which as well explains areas of ice beneath RPC-733 due to the freezing of water.
Addendum 733-1: Further investigation of the area around RPC-733 concludes that it possesses low coherency (estimated ACS of 1.9). Several anomalies have been observed near RPC-733 due to this, mostly temporal and extra-dimensional anomalies such as the re-location of Authority ships.
RPC-733 has also been observed draining mass amounts of thermal energy from Authority ships and aircraft, as well as Authority personnel themselves. Testing has determined the area of effect in which RPC-733 will drain energy to be 0.3 kilometers from the entity.
[+] Soviet Iron Initiative - RDS-71
I feel like the text misses the author signing off.
Conclusion: Despite few issues, the article itself is quite enjoyable. I don't really have many complaints regarding the story or the compossion. There are a few wording and grammatical issues that hold this article back. That being said, the article was very much readable.
I give it 4/5 right now and a 5/5 once all the wording issues are solved.
RPC-733 is a high-temperature, luminescent entity. RPC-733 is estimated to span 7 kilometers, and as well possesses what appear to be several wings. The amount of these wings varies, often ranging from 7 - 13.
Suggestion:
"RPC-733 is a luminescent entity of indeterminate anatomy, spanning approx. 7km wide, and whose most distinctive feature is the presence of a varying number of wings, ranging from 7 to 13."
Some more description here would help picture it. How does it move? Does its light fluctuate? Just how bright is it?
The temperature of the center of RPC-733 is estimated to be approximately 5,555,555,555,537° C, thus, it is believed to be composed of quark-gluon plasma1.
This is awfully specific to be an "approximation."
However, the area directly around RPC-733 ranges from -272.85° C to -272.45° C (near 0 K), which is believed to be the cause for high amounts of fog around RPC-733 as a result of condensation.
"However, the heat radiated by RPC-733 appears to be non-causative, or nullified by a secondary anomalous property: its immediate surroundings range from -272.85ºC to 272.45ºC (near 0 K), provoking the development of a thick layer of fog through condensation of atmospheric humidity."
I'd also like to point out that such low temperatures would have noticeable climatological effects — wind around the Laptev Sea flows southwest and is very strong during winter: RPC-733's presence is likely to provoke intense snow & hail in that direction. Not sure what its effects would be on summer, but hot air fronts could result in big tornadoes — I'm really not an expert in climatology, suggest you try and consult someone who is.
RPC-733 has also been observed draining mass amounts of thermal energy from Authority ships and aircraft, as well as Authority personnel themselves. Testing has determined the area of effect in which RPC-733 will drain energy from subjects to be 0.3 kilometers.
The importance of this phenomenon merits some more attention in terms of explanation.
[+] Soviet Iron Initiative - RDS-71
I feel like this document is all but redundant. Anything it explains could be inferred (with less campyness implied) from the video log immediately following.
The flash from the nuclear blast is seen, rendering the footage white for half a second. The sky turns into a red/orange tint due to the blast. The area around the blast is darkened as well.
In general, this video log seems like it lacks some description to me. IMO: it needs some more emphasis as to how all of this is somehow wrong and abominable (as 733 describes later on) and different from a regular nuke. Some more visual description & aesthetics would do a great job here.
"My existence is flawed and sorrowful, an unholy angel without divinity. Desperately, I cling to life by parasitically draining energy from around me, lest I die. All that I touch dies cold."
For all this setup, this entire explanation feels like a letdown. It just throws exactly everything on the table and antropomorphizes a creature that is, up until where it speaks, a dreadful and incomprehensible being to the eyes of the reader. Were it to speak, I would personally do it in a more cyptic manner: not directly explaining what's going on, but throwing some hints in that direction. This entire journal log feels like it's too expositive and too little descriptive — it's a great opportunity to give a human POV on what is implied to be a cosmic abomination.
Addendum 733-2: Further surveying of the environment around RPC-733 has concluded that the area from which RPC-733 is absorbing energy appears to be growing at a steady rate with the radius of this area increasing by 3.3 meters every 24 hours.
Shame this isn't really linked to any changes within 733.
Overall: the aesthetics of this are amazing, but the writing itself doesn't aggrandize them beyond the description and images, which sell the thing to be an angel — sale which isn't delivered on later. It feels a little flat in terms of imagery, which could be its strong point.
Furthermore, I feel like there's a point to be made that there's a lot of wasted potential in terms of symbolism. Soviet Russia, as a communist country (and thus anti-theistic), was considered "godless" at the time. The idea of an angel for a godless nation / godless angel could be very powerful, and while the symbolism is already present, some more love in that regard could make this truly unique.
/forum/t-14042886/soviet-angel#post-