http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/death-to-intelligentsia
A book that once read, causes the development of an entire civilization to burst from the body of an infected individual. Using a mixture of organic and bio-mechanical technology, these civilizations usually follow trends and certain tropes from the plot of the book, but some so called "Host Cities" have managed to escape this cycle and began to proliferate at a rapid level.
Containment Protocols:
The book is to be kept in temperatures
Remove the line break
temperatures relatively high enough similar to those found in tropical regions
State the temperature range because it is always better to be accurate in a scientific document such as this. Wikipedia says tropical climates have an average of 18 C/64 F (although it honestly feels much higher), and is this including humidity too?
Description:
RPC-XXX refers
Same error as earlier.
doesn't seem to exist
do not seem to exist
who have been purposefully amassing knowledge that would be otherwise beneficial to their citizens.
Are they amassing all the knowledge for themselves and not letting citizens access it? Or are they just collecting the knowledge in general? Clarifying this would be helpful, due to it saying they are deceitful
more feral
remove more
in a time of an estimate of five days
in aproximately five days
inhabiting the host of the body
inhabiting the body of the host
to build buildings
I'd change build to construct to make the statement less redundant
Most of the hosts infected by the anomalous viral pathogen describe intense pain and feelings of nausea as the infection proceeds to increase sporadically before falling into a comatose state.
I'm a little confused by this sentence. Is it trying to say "intense pain and nausea increase as the infection takes over the body" or is it saying that "the pain is present due to the infection spreading" before the victim falls in to a coma. Try to clarify which one.
begin to spawn
begin to manifest
Other more unknown forms of animals have been detected to have formed.
Other unknown forms of species have been detected as well
and depends on what kind of species has spawned
and vary depending on the type of species that has manifested
The species that attempt violence can be destroyed by method of incineration or electrocution of a high enough voltage
Wouldn't this belong in the conprocs?
Attempts at communicating with the species or RPC-XXX-1
I believe RPC-X-1 is in reference to the species, but the way this sentence is structured can make it seem like they are seperate entities
has resulted in every known power tool breaking.
I'd change this to say "have always resulted in failure" because as it is now makes it seem like own drills and saws have been used when we know the Authority would probably try more than just that.
[[footnote]]It is known among personnel of Site
Broken/incomplete footnote
I love this idea, little biopunk cities being built within your body that come from reading a book about a biopunk universe. Reminds me a bit of the Yuuzhan Vong but a lot less brutal. I think the execution was effective too, it didn't need to go in to deep detail on each of the civilizations, it could let the reader come to his own conclusions and make up whatever aspects they wanted in their mind. Well, I could at least.
However, the biggest issue with this is the informal tone and the confusing sentence structure. I corrected everything I could see and I hope it was helpful somewhat.
Aside from the formatting issues, I would give this a 4/5
This is in desperate need of some actual logs of this place you’re describing, even if it’s just some small taste of how the Kings would describe themselves in their own words.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
One of the anomalous and often fatal phenomenon associated with the book is the sudden infection of the reader by an anomalous molecular organism. This organism will begin to grow rapidly in a time of an estimate of five days till which a number of microscopic biological entities that will in some ways match the description of the species described within the book. Variances have been documented throughout the number of infected hosts who have read the book before, but usually, the species that grow within the body of a host typically have some similarities with the species described within the book.
Some specifics may be needed. What exactly are these entities? Pluricellular organisms? How do they avoid the immune system? Do they consume the body?
Clinical tone overall needs improvement. Try to condense sentences and simplify them.
Certain organisms within RPC-XXX-1's biological kingdom have been known to harness or manipulate certain forms of energy such as electricity and even nuclear forces. Biological nuclear reactors and hives that run off of creatures producing high amounts of nuclear energy and enriched uranium are not uncommon if not a prevalent aspect within these societies.
While the aesthetic is delightfully bizarre, the method by which this is accomplished should be addressed: how do they achieve microscopic nuclear reaction and how in Hell do they manage to control it?
Furthermore, some sentences about how intelligence is achieved at such a small level may be needed. I understand that it's anomalous so it can't be expected to work within the laws of physics, but a little explanation as to how it breaks them helps a lot.
Addendum XXX.01: A War of Hives
This is eerily reminiscent of RPC-003 — maybe exploring the hives in a different manner would be cooler. How do they see humankind, what do we represent to their culture? How do they live with the fact that they're minuscule compared to us? How do they use language? etc
The interview is missing
some
spacing.
Skitrix clears his throat. Hive Administrator Skitrix:
This is kinda bizarre given that they're not really humans and microscopic.
Overall, the concept is very much enjoyable but I find that it lacks detail. The organisms produced by the book are barely explored in terms of biology, and their culture/societies remains entirely unseen — it's this kind of detail what separates a cool idea from a great article.
I would personally enjoy an in-depth exploration of how each species behaves and what their culture looks like, but perhaps you can manage to make the article interesting in other ways.
It might be my preference, but I prefer there to be no space between the section and text.
Containment Protocols: Text
Instead of
Containment Protocols:
Text
The book is to be kept in temperatures relatively high enough similar to those found in tropical regions.
Be exact, something along the lines of X°C -Y°C. The climate of tropical regions is both subjective and subject to change.
RPC-XXX refers to a book titled "Death To Intelligentsia" written between 1979 to 1984 by Arthur Blackwell.
Records of an Arthur Blackwell residing within the town of Discovery, Massachusetts, and the town itself doesn't seem to exist itself despite the biography section detailing it in the first few pages.
Re-write for clarity.
The book describes a group of highly deceitful entities known as the "Guiding Kings"
The novel describes a profuse number of different animal species both intelligent and more feral as being part of a living biological universe known as Membrane
This organism will begin to grow rapidly in a time of approximately five days till. This is followed by a number of microscopic biological entities that will in somewhat match the description of the species described within the book.
Variances have been documented throughout the number of infected hosts affected by RPC-XXX but usually the species that grow within the body of a host typically show similarities with those described within the book.
Through microscopic observation, the species found inhabiting the host of the body will begin building structures out of biological materials present within the host.
It appears to start within the brain of the body prior to affecting the entire nervous system of a given infected host.
the anomalous viral pathogen
You have not described RPC-XXX as being viral prior. Please, do so.
Attempts at communicating with the species or RPC-XXX-1 have been attempted and depend on their level of sapience.
The species that attempt violence can be destroyed by the method of incineration or electrocution of a high enough voltage.
-Addendum XXX.01: The Final Song
That's a bizarre name for a document. Is there a meaning behind it?
An individual claiming to be the son of the author of RPC-XXX somehow found the site that contained RPC-XXX.
Somehow?
The son, named Roger Blackwell, attempted to violently enter the Site in an effort to find the book.
What Site?
+Addendum XXX.02: Recorded Interview
This is the proper way to format this:
Foreword: The following is an interview…
Closing Statement:: After the interview with the hive administrator…
Interviewer: Name
Interviewed: Name<Begin Log>
Name: TextName: Text
(And so on and so forth…)
<End Log>
-Addendum XXX.03: The Bullet Wasp Incident
On December 19th, 2019, an RPC-XXX instance occupied entirely of intelligent wasp-like entities underwent a significant physical mutation that greatly increased their density, exoskeletal strength, sharpness of stingers, and blade-like protrusions across their bodies.
Conclusion: I enjoyed this article very much, but your sentences and descriptions tend to be bloated. Make sure all your sentences are in an appropriate tense. See if you can remove 10% of the text without losing the narrative.
Alright lemme get this done
Alright! Alright! This was a pretty long but amazing read, I really like the idea of a book the manifests things inside you and whatnot. Although the formatting on some things is a little different to me, that is just a preference.
I got creeped out at the fact that spiders can manifest inside you and/or on you cus I have bad arachnophobia and I find that cool as a matter of fact.
I really enjoyed how the researcher actually showed interest in something and not so much in other tests, I like that depth. The -X logs are nice because how they really long but perfectly balanced with depth, character depth, and very interesting content in each one.
5/5!!!! Good work man! Although I feel that the formatting could be prettier but that's just me. I am so stoked to see this published, when you ddo, DM ASAP!
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
ok ill see what i can do about crit
The book is to be kept in temperatures relatively high enough at around 27 degrees Celsius.
little bit too informal, you have to clearly define what the book is and its precise containment temperature, also what type of apparatus it is contained in:
RPC-XXX is to be kept in a thermo-regulated environment at temperatures no colder than 27 degrees Celsius.
Certain CSD are ordered to read the book to study the rate of evolution for the species that grow within their bodies.
hmm, not quite worded right, this should make more sense:
When testing, a single CSD subject is permitted to read from RPC-XXX at one time. When the subject reads RPC-XXX, they will be instructed to take notes on the rate of evolution for the species depicted within the book.
If infected with the manifested pathogens, they are to be quarantined in sterile cells and rooms. Tissue samples are to be taken from infected individuals who have read the book for further research and studying of the creatures that infect the bodies of individuals.
still with informalities:
In the event of a CSD subject becoming infected, they will be brought into a quarantined sterilized containment chamber. Standard biopsy procedures will be undertaken to collect tissue samples, to more closely study the creatures that infect subjects.
To reach an agreement with some "Host-Cities", some of the organic mini-structures within contained cells or labs that have sentient species are to be communicated while the more belligerent and hostile ones are to be incinerated.
this doesnt give a clear picture as to whats going on, try this:
In order to ensure the safest possible conditions for researchers studying the anomaly, several organic mini-structures, called "Host-Cities," which contain sentient life are to be periodically terminated via incineration, based on a cities hostility towards researchers.
RPC-XXX refers to a book titled "Death To Intelligentsia" with the date of it being written being somewhere between 1979 to 1984 by a writer by the name of Arthur Blackwell.
could give more of a description as to the shape of the book:
RPC-XXX is a large, leather-bound book titled, "Death to Intelligentsia", exact date of print is uncertain, though records indicate that it appears to have been written and/or published between 1979 and 1984. The author of the book is stated as a man by the name of Arthur Blackwell.
Records of an Arthur Blackwell residing within the town of Discovery, Massachusetts and the town itself doesn't seem to exist itself despite the biography section detailing it in the first few pages.
its still a bit unclear what you are trying to convey here, this might sound better:
Mr. Blackwell, Here after referred to as POI-XXX, appears to be a resident of Discovery, Massachusetts, though the town itself does not appear to exist, RPC-XXX details that the book was published in the town.
alrigh, thats about all the fixes i think it needed, it looks good otherwise, hope you like the crit.