Thirteen-Pointed Crown -- The Spooky Bird of Site-013
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Thirteen-Pointed Crown -- The Spooky Bird of Site-013
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» Thirteen-Pointed Crown -- The Spooky Bird of Site-013
Summary:
PRETTY SPOOKY
Sapient?
This would make more sense if it were a footnote explaining why this Hazard Type is indefinite.
This could just be me, but I feel like the clinical tone is lacking. The proper amount of detail is not disclosed, and it lacks authoritative punch to it. Keep in mind that this point is more of a nitpick than anything else.
09/06:RPC-832 changes position to observe the arrival of Site-013's first Director, J. Norwell.
Missing a space between 09/06: and RPC-832.
seemingly returning to its position upon Montenegro ordering it to "shoo".
Substitute this with, "before returning to its previous position upon Montenegro shooing the entity away.
I like it! A really creepy critter, with a wonderfully macabre description and an appropriately devious track record. However I do find the deaths of Site Dir. J. Norwell and Researcher A. James were overly gratuitous; I think it would fit more into the theme of Montenegro's death and RPC-832's overall gothic aesthetic of these two died of more mysterious circumstances.
I don't like the last addendum. I feel like the inclusion of the cult GOI at the end is forced. I will say that I don't know much about the Children of Nihil GOI, but I have seen it a lot over the site so I'm led to assume it has greater lore value than I currently know of. I just feel like the Crowsingers could either be explored more or taken out entirely and nothing of value would change.
Despite that, this is a good 4/5! Very creepy, really reminded me of the works of Edgar Allen Poe in a lot of ways. You should feel proud!
Unfold
Re: Thirteen-Pointed Crown -- The Spooky Bird of Site-013 by 
Wit Grzegorzewski, 22 Mar 2021 16:36
I think a lot of the stuff about the physical description could be condensed, it gets kind of repetitive after awhile and the real meat of the article comes later in the logs. They were paced well and definitely raised the tension closer to what my expectations were from the picture. Speaking of which, I think that part needs some work. It looks good, but it’s going for a cctv/found footage look and it needs some kind of timestamp or other marker to really sell the authenticity. At that point though it’s really just nitpicking.
There’s also a few places where some pedants might quibble with you over tone but everything was communicated effectively enough that it really doesn’t matter, it’s definitely not dipping into purple prose or anything.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
Before starting, I would suggest using the Research Tone if you are using the Research Theme. It doesn't affect the quality of the article not having it, but it's weird otherwise.
Containment Protocols:
Summary: In the event RPC-472 were to resurface
This implies 472 is no longer in the site, which is not what the containment says, might wanna clear that bit.
the manifestation of the relevant Group of Interest
You might wanna just say "GoI-XXX"(Some numerical designation to not give away their name)
AGENT BASTILLE is designed to immediately instill a temporary loss of trust in organizational hierarchy, with particular effect among those of religious significance.
I really hope this doesn't mean "Make people loose their faith for an unspecified amount of time." This would likely be a big issue to several personnel in the Authority, specially from the BOA, if not just an ethical issue in the Authority as a whole, given the amount of time isn't really specified.
Idk, it just sounds like a really dangerous tool to use just for those crow guys.
Description:
[View Site-002 Archive Sector » Recovered Document D2AJ/#949 "ARC-616" for further information.]
I'm still mad this is blue but not a link.
significant bioluminescence.
Any color in specific?
currently perched was
Would "currently perched on was" be the correct way to say it. Also, maybe cover the whole part about it being the one it is currently on with commas
A tendency for Site personnel
No need to capitalize unless its followed by the number
Appendix
RPC-███ is observed for the first time in roughly the same direction of RPC-472's beak while cawing
I feel like there is something missing after "first time." Idk, it sounds kinda weird
Later investigation reveals that Res. A. James harbored obsessive fear and hatred for RPC-472, fantasizing with its neutralization at least once.
How so? Diaries? Videos of him? Seems weird without said reason being presented in any way
07/07:
I don't really understand the link here
Assistant Director A. Montenegro
Didn't the last one said he was promoted to Site Director?
Isle of Man, where the GoI in question based its operations..
2 periods
Also, the image looks kinda awkward due to the lack of text beside it, having such a large void after it.
Thoughts:
I really like this article, the ending does a great job at putting everything together. Nice job!
Unfold
Re: Thirteen-Pointed Crown -- The Spooky Bird of Site-013 by 
TheGreatTarbolin69, 23 Mar 2021 19:25
/forum/t-14033269/thirteen-pointed-crown-the-spooky-bird-of-site-013#post-