Radio star
5th article so far, this one has taken a lot of time to write…….
Radio star
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» Radio star
Summary:
man in radio? What????
Oh shit, I forgot to mention
It's the tab titled "radio"
my bad, sorry
(account deleted)Looks good, I'll get started!
Hazard Types: dk yet
I see it as:
Stillcreek is evacuated and is currently under authority
'…under Authority…'
Then, after around a week of regular listening, will…
'listening, they will…'
First, aging in the individual stops or slows, almost completely.
Does it stop or does it slow? I would pick one or the other.
Then, after around a week…
'…after approximately a week…'
…will begin to regress in age at a rate much faster than normal aging.
This seems a little confusing- I would definitely reword it. I believe what you're trying to say here is that they 'unage' faster then they would age, but I feel like that's a very strange way of saying it.
Subjects also report a slow regaining of memories lost…
I would say 'progressively regaining memories' or 'procedural memory regeneration', something like that.
…the rate at which this process happens is faster than the de-aging effect.
Again, strange way of saying it. I would be a bit more specific or at the very least less vague about the amount of time it takes because I'm somewhat lost here.
An individual who listens to RPC-951 for a year, for instance, will be able to remember with perfect clarity every significant memory they made during the past 16 years. The rate at which RPC-951 affects an individual is directly proportional to how close that individual comes to the source of RPC-951.
And that's what makes this part more confusing because you are less vague here. The previous statements on the amount of time should be changed or removed if you'll have all the info you need right here.
This process often causes ego death and the death of the self within subjects effected.
This sounds rad. Also, it'd be affected.
If the individual stops listening to RPC-951 regularly, they will almost immediately age back to how they were before listening to RPC-951 and losing any memories that could be gained.
I'd rewrite this as '…they will, in a matter of seconds/moments (some interval of time), regress to their state prior to listening to RPC-951, and lose any regained memories.
…under the cover story "public census".
'…cover story of "public census".
The previous two interviews had revealed on important information.
I don't think this sentence is necessary or makes sense, grammatically or otherwise.
Salerno: No thank you, ma'am. If it would be alright, I have to leave as soon as possible.
████: Oh.
████ sighs.
████: My, what a shame. I barely get any visitors around here anymore.
…this is a very good log. Your skills with dialogue are really showing here. I have no issues with the interview with Abigail, pardon this line:
Salerno asked a few filler questions to prevent suspicion.
I would reword this to emphasize how the 'extraneous questions' were to…lower her defenses, so to speak. As-is it seems a little non-clinical.
Approximately a third of the town and most of it's elderly population actively listened to the KOTA radio station.
I would say: 'Approximately a third of the town and the majority of its elderly population actively listen to RPC-951.' Replace KOTA with RPC-951 in general, I'd say. Not a huge issue, though, and may just be a stylistic choice.
Also, no issues with the second interview. Very…disturbing. Left me with a very unpleasant feeling in the chest.
███████: She fuckin' loves that radio program. Says it makes her feel young. Please, officer. She says nothin's happenin' to my boy, is this NOTHING?
Salerno: No, sir, it isn't. If you could jus-
███████: He was such a good kid….he was such a good kid….fuck….give me a moment…..
███████ places his son down, who immediately starts running back into the house.
Salerno: Sir…
███████ fumbles with his wallet. He pulls out a picture of his son, dressed in a soccer uniform, smiling. He is clearly more than four, looking around seven or eight in the photo.
███████: Look at this, officer. Look at this. He's fuckin'….I don't know. He's…..gotten younger. Jesus. When I said I was scared of him growin' up fast, I didn't want this….
Salerno: Sir, if you don't calm down, I can't help you. Take deep breaths.
███████ breathes in and out. He seems to calm down.
I mean…woah. This is expertly crafted here.
███████: Wait! Officer. I need to tell you one last thing….
Salerno: Yes?
███████: Do not heed the king.
███████ slams the door behind him.
This came out of left field, though, and I find it hard to believe Salerno wouldn't try to follow up on that part- at the very least include how Salerno tries to get the door back open or something. Also I'd replace 'slams' with 'forcefully closed' or something.
…reported his findings to the authority…
Capital A in Authority!
RPC-951-A brought on a variety of other guests from Stillcreek, most of which already knew him personally.
Most of which had known it personally.
A general theme of reminiscence for times gone by was observed.
Not very clinical, I'd either put this in the context of a report by Salerno or edit it in a clinical fashion.
'Prior to this test, RPC-951 did not have sufficient evidence to be considered anomalous.'
…mmm, I'd remove this bit, because to the reader it feels very obvious it's anomalous. Obviously not in-universe, but at the very least it seemed odd to me given the previous logs we just read.
…because I'm an experience agent…
Experienced.
Following retrieval, RPC-951's effect stopped affecting Salerno, and he instantly returned to his original age. Significant psychological damage was done, however, and Agent Salerno has been placed on paid psychological leave for the foreseeable future.
If it only took 18 hours to de-age to an infant, why hadn't it happened before and why doesn't he just…leave? I'm still very confused by the rate of the de-aging and the area the radio covers. These old people have been listening to it for a long time, why are they still alive if it's two years every hour?
RPC-951-A begins to read Swann's Way, interlacing it with high school anecdotes and comments about the old days. His voice is rough and hoarse and he stumbles on his words a few times. No one calls in. There are no more people in Stillcreek, but he appears to not notice. This continues until the music segment starts, and RPC-951 changes to playing popular 1950s rock songs. The rest of the show continues like usual.
It's…a little unclinical at the start and gives me dread like nothing else.
Attempts at striking RPC-951 from the air have been futile…
Why?
An advertisement for a soda brand that doesn't exist hangs on the theatre.
Like…no longer exists?
I called em today, Evan picked up. Didn't say too much, just "Hey dad" and "Hey son" and "How're you doing" and other vapid things. It's good to hear his voice again.
Met Jane, girl hasn't changed at all. Good to see her again, we talked a bit about the weather and other things. Kids aren't picking up again.
Not picking up. It's probably the signal…I'd give anything to talk to my old folks now. I hope the new generation's not that different from ours..
Us folks need something for us, so maybe I can fill that niche a bit.
Worm, this… this is heartbreaking. This is disturbing. It's not just scary, it left me shaken. This is incredible. I need a minute, after reading that. Damn. Not sure how to properly say that this won't leave me for a while. I'd fix what I listed above, but wow. I need to lie down.
Thanks for the crit, I'll get the issues fixed.
"Authority" when referring to the RPC Authority should always be capitalized.
Terms such as "de-birth" are not clinical. For subjects relating to human aging and taxonomy I would seriously recommend researching proper scientific and medical terms in order to thoroughly detail the subject. The article as a whole is generally lacking in clinical tone.
Also, seeing as this takes place in Texas, I would recommend brushing up on Southern slang and listening to Southerners speak. It could help give you a solid understanding of how they talk and make the dialogue in the interviews more realistic and engaging as a result. The constant use of shortened words such as "ol'" and "lil'" is a nice touch at first but quickly becomes grating.
Broadcast 951.3 has no reason to be included in the document. It holds no significance in both the narrative or research into the anomaly, the fact that RPC-915-A takes guests on his show could be explained in a single sentence. Maybe scrap the log itself and keep the afterword at the bottom, and explain what strange things could be happening to the guests instead.
Seeing as Salerno basically takes the role of protagonist in this article, he comes across to me as lacking personality. His dialogue is dry at all times and lacks emotion. I know this makes sense in the Interview Logs, but in Incident Log 915.5 we should be able to see him open up and react according to his own character.
Also, the timeline is a bit confused for me. When do the Interviews happen in conjunction with Salerno de-aging? It feels like the records of events are placed out of order.
Also if RPC-915 is surrounded by living flora and animals, shouldn't they be affected too? Does RPC-915's anomaly manifest itself when its broadcast is heard, or must it be interoperated by the sapient mind? Does it work for all living things or only humans?
The journal entries at the end are hard to read mainly because the later entries are large walls of text. This is a great spot to elaborate on RPC-915-A himself and give him a story and personality. Him writing about people and things I don't care to now about doesn't do anything to progress the narrative. This information isn't conveyed in any interesting way.
An overall 3/5. The concept was entertaining and the image of someone de-aging to the point of popping out of existence is neat. The actual meat of the article, however, fails to deliver a palpable punch that makes me care about anything going on in a deeper sense. With enough effort this could become a very entertaining article about the downsides of nostalgia. God knows we could use a story about that in this day and age. Good luck!
Thanks so much man, I'll do some revisions with this in mind.
A lot of the interviews and tests seem rather repetitive, but that ending is just so fucking depressing. I wanted to do a full crit but I can't bring myself to reread it… Damn good job.
Just cut down some of the addenda and interviews that don't tell much new to the reader and you're probably good to go.
Hey, thanks for the crit
What are the parts that should be cut in your opinion?
I think “regress in age at an exaggerated rate” describes what you’re going for just fine. Overall the terminology works and isn’t detrimental. I think this is a nice article with good atmosphere but it doesn’t go anywhere. I like what’s here but it feels rather pointless, it doesn’t add up to anything or really feel like an engaging mystery.
The interview logs were very natural and flowed well, but I feel like it might be better if there was just one communicating the information you have spread out across multiple collapsibles.
Such is life in the Soviet Union
Crit delivered in PMs.
I really enjoyed reading this. I first noticed its length and sighed but that was never the feeling once I started. This was surprising coming from you, as I believe you have done some shorter stuff. Nice work. The dialogue is comfortable and convincing. The pace is slow and smooth, like a rural Texas town. I agree that it can get repetitive. To me, it's the numerous iterations of the de-aging effect in and around the description. That's an easy fix.
I love the concept and it is far and away good enough to carry this article. It's kinda terrifying to understand that you are de-aging and becoming unborn again. That's just wild to me. That the idea's engine is just some lonely, genteel old man who just wants to reminisce is a nice touch.
I wouldn't get too hung up on how the article doesn't do everything for everyone. It is certainly worthy of the mainlist as is. Could it be better? Sure. Everything could be, and you shouldn't discount what good things people have to say. If I were writing it, I'd do this and do that. But I'm not writing it. I'm reading it. I'm glad I did, and that's that.
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