Failed 290 rewrite

Summary:

now maybe an original

Failed 290 rewrite

ieatcrepes 19 Mar 2021 23:10

Apologies to Sinaticus, whose RPC-290 I mutilated so completely in an attempted rewrite as to basically make it a different article altogether. That’s a rewrite fail.

http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/crepe-cake-ii
(Follow the link at the end to:
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/crepe-cake-iii)

Thanks in advance.

Last edited on 21 Mar 2021 02:30 by ieatcrepes Show more

Re: Failed 290 rewrite

Wit Grzegorzewski 20 Mar 2021 01:15

I understand that this is a format screw, but the breaking of clinical prose is inconsistent and ultimately breaks my immersion. Adding onto this, both pages feel disconnected from each other, and break the pacing considerably in my opinion. That being said, this concept has grounds to be legitimately horrifying. Where this article shines is the sudden description of the man and the woman being stuffed into this small, cramped chest, with the man put in there against his will and the woman crawling in there later and cuddling the corpse as she dies. That is creepy.

3/5, because this could potentially be amazing. My recommendation would be to slowly ease into the format screw goes on in the first page, and the second could serve as the falling action. The narrative flow needs to be focused in a steady stream which should taper off at the end. Do not miss out on the cramped chest factor: I got shivers up my spine when I read that, and I would save it for the climax of the first page after the steady build-up of what exactly happened. Good luck!

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Re: Failed 290 rewrite

ieatcrepes 20 Mar 2021 01:48

Thank you for this! I have been fumbling how strong to come on with the screwyness in the first article. I had it too sparse at first, now may have it on too thicc. I'll try to clean this up and abide by your good suggestions.

Last edited on 20 Mar 2021 02:13 by ieatcrepes Show more

Re: Failed 290 rewrite

Worm that Walks 20 Mar 2021 21:17

The first part is fantastic, but the second part kinda let me down.

I get that the second part is supposed to explain everything, but I definitely don't think its needed at all. The first parts complete inexplicableness lends a perfect amount of mystery and fascination to the horror of the whole situation - the description is fantastic, as well.

The second part isn't necessary. If it were up to me, I'd just delete the entirety of the second part. Better to leave it up to interpretation to what happened. If you could, add the part about the pomace because that's a beautiful segment, but other than that it doesn't add much to the enjoyment of the article.

Still, when I was reading it I looked away as the lady climbed in and crushed herself, because your description was really chilling. Fantastic work.

Minor issues:

RPC-###'s primary anomalous effects begin when in the presence of females, hereafter RPC-###-2. Instances will invariably desire to:

change to

RPC-###'s primary anomalous effects begin when RPC-###-1 is in the presence of a female human being, hereafter RPC-###-2. Instances will invariably desire to:

RPC-### is the designation given to two concomitant anomalies, designated RPC-###-1 and -2. RPC-### is harmless

The cocmitant part is unneccessary imo, you can introduce RPC-###-1 as RPC-###, and then make it create the crazy ladies which are -1 instead. Personally I think it'd flow better that way, but I'm not sure if that's a stylistic choice or not.

Also, quick tip, the term "appears" is generally a bad thing to use. I get that it's an anomaly, but the less syllables and words you use to describe the same thing, the better.

Also, even though its a format screw, there are some issues with clinical tone you should address, such as when they say that they're using a lot of materials to try to open the chest.

The only main issue I have with the first section is that it's a little unclear what the anomaly does - the whole putting yourself into the box thing isn't explained at all, but that's part of the format screw entirely. If you want to keep some of the second parts reveal make like, an email at the end of a memetics specialist talking about the anomaly, maybe? But I woulnd't reccomend revealing too much - if you didn't have the second part, I'd be thinking about this article for days trying to figure out what was going on.

Tremendous potential in this piece - second part's a lil extra though.

Re: Failed 290 rewrite

ieatcrepes 21 Mar 2021 02:16

Thanks for the thoughts, I'll make some changes and munch on what you say here.