RPC-905 (The Old Warehouse)
This is my first RPC, so feedback is appreciated.
RPC-905 (The Old Warehouse)
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» RPC-905 (The Old Warehouse)
Summary:
An old, abandoned warehouse.
Description: Description: RPC-905 is an abandoned warehouse
It is also unknown as to what the purpose of the warehouse was before abandonment. or if it was always like this. (The Authority has no reason to expect this structure was built for no reason.)
There is a yard located to the southeast of the warehouse which is surrounded by a chain-link fence topped with barbed wire Southeast of RPC-905 is a yard (elaborate on what this "yard" is) surrounded by barbed chain-link fence.
In addition, being inside RPC-905 will reduce every sense, besides the sense of touch by approximately 50%.
Un-clinical; there's no scientific way of measuring the effectiveness of senses. A more appropriate description would be "Once inside RPC-905 the senses are deprecated via unknown means, save for a subject's sense of touch."
Subjects entering the building have expressed feelings of unease and vulnerability within the building, feeling that someone is watching them. They have also stated other unusual phenomenon, listed below. List of unusual occurrences within RPC-905. All these phenomenon cease when the subject attempts to illuminate the source.
This seems like it's copying SCP-087. I really hope I'm wrong about that. The whole concept of a mysterious structure that negates light and an elongated humanoid monster-ghost within don't seem like a coincidence. This part seems like it was written with SCP-087 in mind:
Any light source that enters RPC-905's intensity is reduced by twenty lux, in some cases completely negating any light. In addition, being inside RPC-905 will reduce every sense, besides the sense of touch by approximately 50%.
To compare:
Lighting sources brighter than 75 watts have shown to be ineffective, as SCP-087 seems to absorb excess light.
The exploration log here and the logs on SCP-087 are also similar. EpicGamer, I really hope you're not plagiarizing. I'll refrain from rating this now since I don't want to draw any conclusions too soon. If this isn't a plagiarism of SCP-087, you need to differentiate the two dramatically.
Okay. I'll completely revamp the discovery log and and few other parts of the article. Thank you very much for the feedback.
white metal plates
What metal?
Hazards:
You have two hazard lines
Object Class: Beta-Orange
I like to color my text but it is just preference.
three guards wearing civilian
three ASF Officers wearing civilian
Under no circumstances are Staff allowed to enter,
Put this at the end of the containment.
instructing passersby
instructing passing pedestrians
who entered are deprecated via unknown means
who entered are diminished by unknown means
save for a subject's sense of touch.
although the subject will retain their sense of touch.
feeling that someone is watching them.
feeling of being watched. this will work better, less wordy.
Overall I liked the idea but I don't understand why there is an aggression hazard when nothing is aggressive. I think there needs to be a lot more to explain aggression in this article. Maybe an incorporeal entity manifests and slowly kills the victim idk. I just think there needs to be more.
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
EpicGamer requested I critique the new draft on Discord.
It is constructed of
Would read better as, "The building is constructed using[…]"
Perhaps in the Discovery collapsible you shouldn't describe the three persons as "teens," as it isn't clinical. Instead simply describe them as "persons" or "subjects."
COME OUT AND FACE ME, YOU COWARDS!
The Authority would not type CSD-9162's dialogue in all-caps. Instead, try italics, or indicate that they are shouting in some other form.
A barely audible inhuman screech would be picked up by the microphone. It would only be noticed when the log was played back a second time.
If this isn't dialogue, try making it italic or putting it in brackets to differentiate it from speech.
You've done a great job making this feel distinct from SCP-087. Even still, unfortunately, I did not find myself enjoying this all that much. This seems to me like a generic haunted building and the horror of the article did nothing of note to really creep me out. At times I'd even say it felt oddly reserved. The concept itself has just been done a lot, I suppose; a creepy abandoned building with a predatory monster lurking throughout. I'd rate this a 2/5 as it is right now for these reasons. Sorry. Good luck in all other departments, though!
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