Edit: Recent fix on a few things and a new image. Tell me what you think :)
After everything that happened, I can't describe how incredible it feels to FINALLY get an article on here. I put a ton of time into this, and it's also my first article, so be sure to be As Harsh As You Can So I Can Improve.
Thanks a bunch!
You gotta link the forum crit thread, my dude. Gratz though!
I really like this idea. It takes a trope about preying those who struggle on struggle with infertility, making a deal with the ‘devil’ or whatever evil is upon them. This deal obviously backfires. But it’s unique with that contemporary twist of a support site.
However, there’s a few nitpicks. One, you forgot to change one of the RPC-XXXX’s to RPC-341. And in the first addendum with the doctor explaining the anomaly, I think he makes a few too many dramatic pauses.
But good job! I’d definitely count this as one of my favorite so far.
I personally enjoyed this quite a lot. I liked your dialogue a lot and your slang (rips, triple A, etc.) is something I'll definitely be using in other articles of mine in the future. Fantastic work, and I like your tie-ins of the Divisions and various departments in the Authority.
My only nitpicks: Research Division has the D in Division capitalised. Minor minor thing, though. Another is that while the format for logs isn't standardised on site, there is general rule of thumb to bold, bracket, and/or italicise the non-dialogue scene setting stuff just for legibility's sake. It just helps things be easier to read than it just being straight italics versus normal text.
I liked your dialogue a lot and your slang (rips, triple A, etc.) is something I'll definitely be using in other articles of mine in the future.
You have no idea how much that means to me to hear that, I was considering removing them outright before I posted since they seemed so strange at the time. And the dialogue- oof, don't get me started on how many times I changed that around. So to hear that they turned out good, in the end, is incredible, thank you.
As for the critique; I fixed the capitalization, and went about italicizing certain parts I hadn't before, hopefully it's a bit easier on the eyes!
Great first contribution to the site- though you've misformatted your Site numbers in the article, they should always have a dash. I'll fix them.
I'd strongly recommend including the in-universe slang and terms like AGT mentioned in the article in the Lexicon so future authors can use them.
Also, while I don't think it adds a ton to the article, I appreciate an MST combat log where the MST goes in actually prepared to fight a big tough enemy, with air support, and uses that air support effectively.
Well done.
please fix the fucking header oh my god phish please jesus christ
I was really sucked into this one. Good job. But I'm still trying to figure out the ending. It's not clear to me how it happened, but I'll give it another reread with fresh eyes tomorrow. Good job!
The babies at a certain age exhibit intelligence, but also the same identify of either parent with some distorted memory. Fun stuff
Reminds me of Nothing There's gruesomeness from Lobotomy Corporation. My kinda stuff.
5/5 overall. Might be the first one I've rated a 5?
5/5 premise. Making the mundane and everyperson problems into horror fiction. Nice
5/5 delivery. does well both as a standalone anomaly and a narrative.
5/5 grammar. clinical where it needs to be, dialogue is the right amount of serious and corny. I'll say that the dialogue wouldn't pass a cringe test irl but it takes me personally in the right direction.
Very nice. I'm sure there are nitpicky things to fix here or there but there's always room for improvement and none of them gave me a reason to cost a point. Thanks!
Wow. I really can't say how much it means to hear that. I was actually going to rewrite this article because I didn't think it was that good, but what you've said has definitely changed my mind. Thank you.
(account deleted)