THE TOWEL
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/spambot-dino-rpc
IT
IS
FINISHED
THE TOWEL
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» THE TOWEL
Summary:
another one of my long-time limbo drafts finally being used for budget cuts
I honestly have very little to actually write about. It was phenomenal. But let's go:
- The note at the end was the best part. The strong ending of the contest, IMO. Even more than Kaiser's werewolf article.
- Only SPAG errors are a few misplaced commas, a few run-on sentences. Literally, nothing big.
- I think one part that I was missing was when it said, "while attempting to capture or subdue an unknown anomaly."
- You were missing the text that says, "Concluding Statement:" in the first interview.
And… uh, fuck.
- "RPC-376: shhhhhh, don’t want to cause a scene, right Frank?" Capitalize the S.
Think that's it. 5/5. Worth the effort.
Overall it's not really my thing but it's still decent and I know people will enjoy it. For me it's about halfway between interesting and boring. One thing I liked in particular is the detail of the towel taking the clothes off people. It was subtle enough since it was never mentioned explicitly in the description or anywhere else, which made it interesting.
I'll recommend you read this article which I found super helpful for issues with using "which" and "that" incorrectly: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/which-vs-that/
Probably explains it better than I could.
on the wall of it's cell.
its*
Incident-XXXX-1
I assume this is meant to be changed to Incident-376-1?
After Incident-XXXX-1, Mmaintenance is to be performed every other day to prevent the dispenser from breaking.
RPC-376 is an animate cream-colored body towel, that can manipulate its body to mimic the body structure and behavior of certain species of animals.
Get rid of the comma and change "that can manipulate" to "which can manipulate"
Also it seems weird to refer to the towel as having a body itself. Maybe "manipulate its composition and form" would be better.
RPC-376 can almost perfectly replicate the animals in both their appearance and capabilities, even when it is not physically large enough to do so.
This is a bit confusing because it seems unclear whether or not the towel is able to mimic the animals perfectly, or if the towel is turning into small towel-sized versions of the animals, but is exact in every other way.
although this is rarely seen and almost never used by RPC-376 Normally, RPC-376 will remain folded up like a typical towel.
Missing period before "Normally"
However, when left to its own devices, it will sporadically reform itself into its other forms and move around the containment area.
I think this could flow a bit better. "move around" is a bit bland. You could use a description more apt to animals, like "roam".
RPC-376 is able to sustain itself through "drinking" the body fluids of organisms.
It's a bit weird having the word drinking in quotes and I think it gives a bit of an inaccurate mental picture compared to how its described in the following sentence. I would change "drinking" to just the word consuming or something similar.
RPC-376 usually achieves this by clumping its bristles together into a set of makeshift fangs that are strong enough to pierce the skin of most animals, at which point it absorbs the blood coming from the wound.
The structure of this sentence is a bit off. You never actually say the fangs pierce the skin, which makes the "at which point" feel disconnected.
It's feels like it's saying "RPC-376 clumps its bristles into fangs which are sharp, at which point it absorbs the blood from the wound."
Feels like it's skipping over the part where RPC-376 actually pierces the fangs after clumping up the bristles.
Unlike a standard towel, the fluids it absorbs don't remain in one area of the towel, and flow through the towel with red "blood vessels" showing in red streaks which resemble pulsing blood vessels throughout its form.
These vessels are able to be seen on RPC-376 until RPC-376 “digests” the liquid. It is still not quite understood what the digestion process consists of, although RPC-376 has been seen very clearly losing its pigmentation after feeding.
I think this could be worded a lot more smoothly. Something like "These vessels begin to fade as RPC-376 dissolves the liquid through an unknown digestive process, then temporarily loses its pigmentation after feeding."
This usually begins near its fangs and moves down its body from there. This can be most easily seen when it is unfolded.
This feels a bit clunky and ultimately unnecessary to have in the article.
All tranquilizers used on RPC-376 have been unsuccessful in sedating it, and as such the Authority has been unsuccessful in performing tests.
Maybe mention that this is referring to RPC-376 when in animal form, so the reader doesn't think they're trying to tranquilize it as a towel, which is the first thing that came to my mind.
Also I feel like this wouldn't prevent the Authority from doing testing. They might not be able to sedate the thing, but if they're able to lock it up in a chamber, they might be able to run some tests.
RPC-376 was acting normally before the Site-014 failsafe was activated, however security footage that was transmitted from Site-014 in its final moments show it acting much differently after the alarms began activating, alerting staff of the activation of the failsafe and proper evacuation procedure.
This feels like a whole lot of text to say something fairly simple. "acting normally" is non-clinical. It's unnecessary to say "it started acting differently" if you aren't going to say how in the same sentence. Also, I'm not sure what the end of this sentence is implying; is RPC-376's change in behavior alerting staff that the failsafe was triggered? How could that be if the alarms were already going off?
What happened next is still not fully understood by watching the tape. As Site-014 began using their auxiliary generators for all secondary functions to ensure that power to emergency exit areas remained on, which lowered the quality of all security data, including the footage of RPC-376's containment cell.
Again this could be a lot shorter. Also, the second sentence is a bit of an incomplete sentence. It feels like it doesn't end properly. It's conveying "As the generators activated, which lowered camera quality, including the footage." The word "As" at the start is making it weird. Also I think you should refer to Site-014 itself as "its" instead "their".
after this footage is recorded, Personnel reported
"Personnel" shouldn't be capitalized.
pinning down & attempting to rip the clothes off a member of personnel
The ampersand here is really weird. I would change it to "while" or something.
RPC-376 appeared to have not been affected by the nuclear explosion or radiation at all.
I think "did not appear to be affected" would sound better.
Also it shouldn't be a surprise that a towel that can't be tranquilized also isn't affected by radiation, so I'd remove "at all" from the end.
RPC-376 was placed in a modified quarantine cell, that was guarded by 2 ASF officers.
After it was placed in the modified quarantine chamber as a way to temporarily contain them RPC-376 seemed to be very complacent with its current containment chamber, being less frantic in their movement and only turning into their humanoid form.
There's a lot I find weird about this sentence. First of all, it's the beginning of a new section so the first time you mention the anomaly, it should be referred to by designation rather than as "it". Second, the repeating of the word "chamber" feels strange. I think it could be shortened a lot. You could cut out a lot if you just say "temporary quarantine chamber" instead of modified quarantine chamber.
It seems like there was meant to be a period after "contain them". Using "them" instead of "it" is also weird. Same with saying "their" instead of "its".
the MST Team Echo-3
MST already has "team" in the acronym so it can be removed here.
Unfortunately, on June 30th and while the MST Team Echo-3 had accidentally struck multiple members of the cleanup effort while attempting to capture or subdue an unknown anomaly
Using the word "while" twice makes this sentence feel really long-winded.
some form of hypnosis or mind-control.
Not a substantial gripe but this feels kinda cheesy. I think saying something about memetics or info-hazards would feel more natural.
when RPC-376 "commanded" them to go investigate the scene.
I think you could use a better word than "commanded", since the Authority doesn't know for sure what it was. I think the word influence would work better, but it isn't very strong to get the point across. Not sure what word would work. Directed feels like it could but it also doesn't feel perfect.
*knew*
I assume this was meant to be italics but you got the markdown wrong?
At the same time, we both heard the exact same sentence coming from somewhere.
Repetition of the word "same" is a bit grating.
Not sure how to critique it but the dialogue of this first note feels a bit stiff. It doesn't give me any information about the personality of the person writing, which would normally be apparent, even if only minor.
After both ASF personnel had left RPC-376's cell, it exited it's containment cell.
Repetition of the word "cell"
its*
After walking about 40 feet in its humanoid form, it ran into Agent Macdonald of MST Charlie-02.
I would use meters instead of feet. Generally I only use imperial units for older docs that take place in 40s-60s US.
2. Military slang referring to soldiers who have recently finished boot camp and are typically still very unintelligent
inexperienced would be a better word than unintelligent
Agent Macdonald - I swear to god, firing straight into a crowd? Are they just letting boots join these days? Fuckin’ christ…
Macdonald spots RPC-376 leaving its temporary holding cell
A bit weird that there's no space between these two lines.
Crit for the whole log: the narration lines should have periods at the end, and I think they'd read better if you surrounded them in [square brackets]
This is especially necessary for narration that is in the middle of dialogue lines
I’m gonna need you to return to your temporary holding cell right. now.
Personal preference but I generally don't like the use of bold text in dialogue. Sometimes it does work in specific circumstances but I think italics work better for this one.
3. When RPC-376 was talking to Macdonald, it’s voice became identical to one of the previous commanders of Charlie-02 that had died in the Site-014 explosion. It is unknown how RPC-376 knew the relationship of the two or was able to mimic his voice
its*
Missing period at the end.
The dialogue in this log is a lot better than the note, but I'm still not a big fan of it. A lot feels a bit janky and doesn't flow as well as it could. I wouldn't expect you to really fix that since dialogue is something that takes a long time to get good at, just wanted to note it.
The reason I'm contacting you is because I have something very interesting to propose to you.
Well, one of those anomalies, RPC-376?
The question mark here is really weird.
Whoever it was in Romeo-7 that ordered the detachment to only look in a few states surrounding 014 for the anomaly
This reads a bit clunky
So what I'm asking you to do, is get RPC-376, currently posing as Frank into Site-██, the one that's got a front as a hotel.
Based on the commas and ordering of this sentence, it's really confusing and I'm not sure what it's supposed to convey.
For me, the email is characterized well enough in comparison to the note and log. Not the most interesting to me personally but it does get the character across decently.
(this part may be outdated as you changed it halfway through)
"although this is rarely seen and almost never used by RPC-376 Normally," normally shouldnt be capitalized, or if you were doing so on purpose then add a period after 376.
"Unlike a standard towel, the fluids it absorbs don't remain in one area of the towel, and flow through the towel with red "blood vessels" showing throughout its form." Something about this sounds off, maybe "Despite the obvious lack of a cardiovascular system, RPC-376 absorbs said fluids in a manner that would suggest the liquid flows throughout RPC-376 akin to blood travelling through veins."? Maybe not that exact phrase but something to phrase to the viewer that no, RPC-376 does not have any sort of organic systems despite it's functions acting like it does.
"These vessels are able to be seen on RPC-376 until RPC-376 “digests” the liquid." Considering the vessels have nothing to do with digestion, maybe reword it to something like "These vessels remain visible on RPC-376 until the entity fully consumes the liquid it has acquired, after which they will slowly dissipate and RPC-376 will return to its natural appearance."
"This usually begins near its fangs and moves down its body from there." Considering the fangs are just a part of the towel it creases and not actual teeth, now may actually be appropriate to quote the "fangs".
"All tranquilizers used on RPC-376 have been unsuccessful in sedating it, and as such the Authority has been unsuccessful in performing tests." If the needle that contains the sedative pierces into 376 and injects its sedative, wouldn't 376 absorb it? Perhaps some additional text explaining that maybe it is hydrophobic to any liquid besides blood? Or perhaps since its you know, a towel and now technically alive (such as with a brain or nervous system) theres nothing really to "sedate" in the first place?
"Addendum - Site-014 Failsafe Incident:" Oh no no no no no no no no no, we don't mention the forbidden event…
"Site-014 failsafe was activated, however security" add another comma after however. So "failsafe was activated, however, security"
"It was in its humanoid form, and was pinning down & attempting to rip the clothes off a member" Kinky, but no really how big is its human form. From what I surmised earlier based on "even when it is not physically large enough to do so" I'm assuming it just folds itself into a little man-shaped towel? If so, how does it tackle a fully grown man multiple times its size? Im not saying a full test log is needed to show this RPCs strength but maybe more explanation into how much it replicates from a species when folding into it. Can it "smell" when folded into a wolf? It can fly when folded into a bat so I'm assuming then it gains the proportional strength of a man?
(new crit)
"The two ASF personnel stationed to watch RPC-376, J. Patton and L. Farnsworth, " I'd put a period after Farnsworth imo, then say something like "The two, observing the chaos from a safe distance both pondered what to do next when" etc etc
"What? Commander ██████?" Considering every other name isnt censored, why this one? Seems like you'd want to uncensor it actually, so if anyone in universe is reading this and knows this commander sounded like then they would know not to trust anyone with their voice.
"When Agent Macdonald's corpse was found, his body was missing all clothing except his undergarments." This feels like you're trying to add unnecessary drama and mystery after already adding a helping heaping with this bodycam footage.
"eye to eye" Feels unnecessarily italicized considering nothing else in the email is. Using quotes would be better, like 'eye to eye'.
"So what I'm asking you to do is get RPC-376, currently posing as Frank into Site-██" In, not into. Also, so then it CAN change its actual size into a full human? Im either retarded and missed this, or you added it in already, OR you should really emphasize this.
"ending for them if this ends" should add a comma after them
Overall, while a fun idea and well executed at that, I feel like at the end you try a little too hard to make the RPC more threatening than it has any need to be. Like, telepathic suggestion? Sure, Vampires can do that. But tentacles (especially when it was already established it bites to drain, not tentacles)? Being able to vocalize? (and with a dead mans voice no less) Shrugging off gunfire despite it (unless I'm retarded) it being stated to be a normal towel in terms of composition, and being able to perfectly mimic a person? yeah they couldn't mimic the clothes but still, it's a towel, not Marvel's "Mystique".
Right now, I'd give it a 4. The ideas there and for the most part it's well put together.
But, it feels like you turned what could've been just a short, sweet, and mysterious anomaly into this threat bigger than it has any reason being. Nerf it! (or if you wanna do it the hard way, expand the description to better showcase the RPC being able to potential pull off what it does, even if the bodycam footage is the first time its done it ever, foreshadow it!)
/forum/t-14028642/the-towel#post-