C&D Resources
C&D Resources
Forum
» Writing & Drafts / Archived Drafts
» C&D Resources
Summary:
Document about the department responsible for all things CSD
Apologies, but here's my crit a day late. I already gave you a google doc listing all of my edit suggestions (mostly grammar). Idk how, but the piece just got more interesting and better will written as a scrolled through it. I think after implementing the changes suggested here, you can upload it (Although I'm the first post, I think Tarb's crit on discord lore also counts).
My only major complaint is that I think the beginning Overview is way too long and should majorly be shortened and anything stated in there that's not directly stated in the dept manifest re-added their instead of in the Overview. The beginning should more of a summary if anything: And it reads too much like a walk-through if you catch my drift. I also believe that the piece can be a bit too informal at times: I like a little bit more formality when discussing dept., similar to the Mechanicus page. You don't have to take my specific grammar complaints, but I do feel as if you should lightly spruce up the passage, or at least the first half.
While I did note that I had a hard time initially reading the draft and made those suggestions, I can happily say I was able to follow through on each idea without cause or confusion. But besides that, it's a good article: 5/5 work.
Apologies I couldn't help you write it, but I wasn't aware you restarted work on it until it was too late. I'll still help with the later stuff, however.
I'm not the best grammar expert, so Im more just going to be breaking this down from a logistics or in universe standpoint
"Each sub-department fills its own niche, and are at constant odds with pushing against the Presidium's boot just to get the job done." Sounds kind of informal, I'm uncertain of how informal this article is supposed to be but from what I can gather its supposed to be in-universe documentation proposing a new CSD system. If that is the case, you'd think it would try and remain professional.
"The Authority is a force for good in the world, but if its actions are far more negative, then it isn't worth it" Sounds a little too much like the Authority patting itself on the back for just not wanting to use slaves. Also, unprofessional but again idk if that is intentional or not.
"C&D Upkeep is always working against the Office of Financial Affairs to provide livable spaces for its CSDs."Writing officially in your report regarding internal disputes within the company doesnt sound like a good idea in-universe, but grammatically at least I dont see an issue with it
"Informally known as the "Disposal"." Sounds more like it belongs in a footnote if anything
"C&D Upkeep" Yo how the fuck are they supposed to play checkers with a wall what.
"informally known as the Disposers" Again, might wanna footnote that. also, Disposers didnt have quotes around it but Disposal did. Hmmm
"If the Disposition does its job well enough, it won't be hard for C&D Acquisitions to keep up with demand." Thats uh, kind of a no-brainer and just seems redundant information.
"3.5m2 for permanent holding and 3.0m2" maybe add a footnote determining how much that is in imperial measurements? For American sites. (and because imperial is better but shhhh)
"and a notepad/journal and pencil." Not good with grammar but I do know following and, with another and is a big no-no. Maybe instead "Additionally, most facilities will allow and provide for any CSDs to have a deck of playing cards, as well as a notepad/journal and pencil."
"The Directorate may call for C&D Acquisitions to take extreme measures. Subjects may be taken from refugee camps, and the OFA may bribe individual prisons to transfer petty criminals who normally wouldn't be taken." Kind of a bruh moment to earlier be like "the authority is a force for good" only to then kidnap refugees to use them as forced labor. This isnt a fault on you per se, but damn Authority eggheads be hypocritical.
"special cases" CSDs in space, what? It is hella expensive to get people into space as is, the authority is sending CSDs there too? I'm assuming they'd be some of the most compliant and/or negotiable, unless you want an Alien 3 on your hands.
"Logistics helicopters are fitted to carry around 8 CSDs at a time" Now, I'm no helicopter expert but from what I've seen usually the passenger slots are at 4 or 6 (not including the pilot cabinet). Unless its some sort of cargo helicopter? Maybe listing the specific model commonly used could help, this is just a nitpick though really.
All in all, besides some slight informalities in the beginning I don't really see any issues with this article(? Do you call these articles? Dossiers maybe?) unless you weren't trying to make the Authority look hypocritical of course. I'd probably give this a 4, its nothing super stellar but it is well written and serves to expand CSD lore in-universe.
If that is the case, you'd think it would try and remain professional.
My initial intention was probably for this to be more like a kind of briefing for new personnel to the department, so it'd make sense to be a bit informal, but now it's strayed a bit from that and feels more like a general information page. Not sure if I could be able to make it feel more like a briefing or if I'll just have to be more clinical.
Yo how the fuck are they supposed to play checkers with a wall what.
Holy shit that's hilarious. Didn't even occur to me. This photograph is of a real prison cell in Alcatraz, so I guess there was just a guy there with a checkers game in his room. Maybe other prisoners played with him during free-time or something. Interesting to think about.
Thats uh, kind of a no-brainer and just seems redundant information.
Yeah it's not totally necessary but I think it does help to reinforce the fact that each sub-department is reliant on each other.
This isnt a fault on you per se, but damn Authority eggheads be hypocritical.
Yeah it's kind of a lesser of two evils situation. Would the Authority rather kidnap a few refugees or allow some crazy entity to breach containment and kill hundreds of citizens?
It is hella expensive to get people into space as is, the authority is sending CSDs there too?
Yeah, but there's tons of research and containment that goes on in space that would be really dangerous for researchers to do on themselves, so they would need CSDs sometimes.
during the first century after its separation from the Auctoritas
Wouldn't it make more sense to say "after its separation from the church"?
for ethical-evaluation and all housing, acquisition, and logistical coordination of the Authority's involuntary disposable personnel (CSDs).
for the ethical-evaluation, housing, acquisition, and logistical coordination of the Authority's involuntary disposable personnel (CSDs).*
the subjects had committed in their prior lives
"Prior lives" sounds weird, wouldn't "committed prior to adquisition" make more sense here?
special cases10,
Footnote should be outside the comma, same as the next one
11. up to 8 if they're crammed in
Shouldn't "up" be capitalized?
and larger transport trucks for long-haul transit can fit up to thirty.
Weird to say "thirty" when you've used the actual numbers so far
One final note, you maybe wanna put the footnotes in a collapsible.
Final Review:
Very kino lore! I really like this page. Not much wrong that I can think of.
A majority of Authority personnel are good-willed, and use of involuntary subjects — effectively slaves — is unconscionable for most. The Authority is supposed to be a force for good in the world, but if its actions are far more negative, then it isn't worth it.
I'm also not terribly fond of the reasoning behind the justification of C&D Resources existence here. Several parts of the language come across as too moralistic to me, justifying why it should be done for little more than it being the right thing to do. While true, such concerns do not strike me as something the Authority as an organization cares overmuch about. Granted, the Authority is not a monolithic entity, but while there are certainly parts of the Authority that would use this reasoning, there should be a very large part of the authority who are less concerned with such reasoning.
This is relatively easy to fix however. Focus more on the practical benefits in addition to the moral ones. Reducing CSD "turnover," minimizing revolt or prison riot risk, improved "productivity" of both CSDs and staff, and the previously mentioned maintenance of employee and Authority morale are a few practical benefits off the top of my head that something like the Authority would use to justify this C&D Resources' existence.
In summary I feel this line of thinking is out of character for the Authority as a whole, and should be reframed in more practical terms.
Personnel from the more occult branches of Research often run their rituals on themselves because they can't get Disposal to grant CSDs for their esoteric, bizarre experiments.
I can understand the reasoning behind ensuring CSDs aren't just slaves by another name, but avoiding situations like this is the precise reason that CSDs exist in the first place. The researchers and Authority staff are some of the best and brightest out there. They are very difficult to replace and very valuable. As such, it makes little sense to put their lives in jeopardy for the sake of CSDs, which are by definition designed to be disposable.
My point is CSD protection shouldn't come at the cost of increasing risk to Authority staff, that defeats the purpose of CSDs in the first place.
The experiments in this case should be stopped outright and prevented from happening if you want to absolutely not risk CSD life.
The CSDs themselves are ranked with a corresponding three-point scale based on the quantity and severity of cruel and despicable actions the subjects had committed in their prior lives. Those who lived mostly mundane lives without serious ethical transgressions are designated as L1-CSDs, those with psychopathic tendencies and actions against others are designated as L2-CSDs, and those who have committed extreme actions to end or permanently scar another person's life (rape, murder, etc.) are designated L3-CSDs. It is not uncommon for the L3-CSD pool to become exhausted when additional CSDs are needed for gruesome tasks. In these cases, L2-CSDs are selected at random to perform necessary L3-Tasks.
I like this whole section. Ranking CSDs in terms of severity of their crimes seems sensible to add.
Upkeep usually allows CSDs who are mentally sound to eat in the same cafeteria as Maintenance Union personnel and to participate in other various recreational activities in order to maintain morale of both CSDs and Authority staff.
I think this should be limited to specifically class 1 CSDs. If Authority staff is allowed to mingle with CSDs, any potential death or injury, which is less than uncommon with CSDs class 2 or above, would make morale plummet.
Overall, I quite like many of the ideas in this article. Better explaining how CSDs are dealt with, and ensuring the Authority doesn't become some evil organization is a good idea.
However, I am concerned that there are some parts where the Authority becomes a bit too empathetic. The Authority is supposed to be cold, so having CSDs remain disposable prisoners and not just another kind of staff is important. For the most part, the article does a good job ensuring this, but there are a few parts where I think it goes too soft, for lack of a better term.
Aside from this, the article is very well written and really feels like an Authority document.
Well done.
/forum/t-14028026/c-d-resources#post-