The Abyss Stares Back (Tale)
The Abyss Stares Back (Tale)
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Summary:
A protectorate agent has to survivor while protecting a boy in hostile territory
The Church of Malthus, by nature, made rescue a risk. Their desire for change in human evolution often lead to anomalous risk on the hostages.
"risk" is repeated twice. Maybe "exposure"?
where light maybe possible.
Really weird prose. Maybe -> May be.
She slid down the hill, firing her pistol at the creature's eye, aim truer than any marksman.
Some description on how the monster looks like, however brief, would really help. "Aim truer than any marksman" feels weird to read. Not sure what you intended with it.
A bitter consolation, was her hearing the creature turn its attention to the Church members she was previously fighting. Knowing what they will suffer, will at least give hell it's due.
This sentence is a jump from before the bullet hits to after it does. We don't get to see the monster react to it. Give -> get
The Church used methods to cut off others from calling in order to do their dirty work in secret.
"used methods" feels redundant. Maybe "The Church liked to do their dirty work in secret" would be more effective.
There was a quick moment she told him she loved him as she cried
Quick moment when
"Kid, you need to eat." Morrigan said.
Too many repetitions of "Morrigan." This is a persistent issue throughout: run through the entire thing and change it around.
The taste wasn't pleasing in anyway, he began to slow.
This is kinda weird. Not sure what it's trying to describe.
Alright, Arthur. My name is Morrigan, but from now on I'm Ms. Scathak. Because tomorrow, you will be learning everything along the way. The one rule is to do everything I say. Follow the rule, and you'll survive."
Pretty melodramatic to tell a kid IMO.
Morrigan put her ear to the iron door. She looked over at Arthur, seemingly dazed again. She snapped her fingers, Arthur regained focus. She pointed to the door, Arthur put his ear to it.
Again — too many repetitions of the same name.
"Yes. There's no strange rustling like steps. Always check for irregularities."
"irregularities" is pretty ambiguous for a child. Be more specific: maybe "check for changes in the noise, rustles, other noises" would be better.
they were looking out and listening in for inconsistencies of the surroundings.
Remove everything after "for inconsistencies." You've already described something in this almost exact way near the beginning.
She aimed true, and landed on the adjacent man's head, Bringing it down to the ground with a stomp and crack.
Same here: you already wrote "aimed true."
She slammed it right into the mans throat and carrying the force to the tree behind him. As he managed a few last gurgles, he dropped the stave and then himself against the tree.
mans -> man's
carrying -> carried
knife from her enemies skull and wiped the blade on his clothes.
enemies -> enemy's
I don't really like how the Malthus guys are basically just video game NPCs for Morrigan to kill here.
Morrigan rolled her eyes, then helped Arthur on his feet.
This makes Morrigan pretty dislikable IMO. Suggest having some description of what she's thinking: maybe she regrets it later?
"Harden your heart to them, they didn't care for either of us. Your sympathy and hesitation is a weapon they will use to kill you."
This is melodramatic as fuck and just evil honestly. Why'd she do that?
Morrigan and Arthur fled through the fields as the moon waxed. Arthur still had no chance to keep pace but his panting face had steel in his eyes and a grit in every exhale. His feet couldn't push faster, but he would make them push farther than ever before. Even with the extra weight of the barbed stave, he'd go till he'd vomit.
Why're they running so much? Radio jammers can't have that much radius. Maybe it's anomalous, but if so, have Morrigan try to contact them again before this point.
For as they entered, two cultists men stared at them in mutual surprise.
Cultists or men? Why were they there?
Hissing pain through grit teeth
Pretty weird description. Maybe "gritted?"
With their enemies quickly dying, Morrigan slumped backwards. She looked to her right, the cut on her shoulder was deeper than she perceived in the rush of the fight. it was almost cutting her collar bone, and much of the side of her arm.
Suggestion: rather than having her easily dispose of every enemy, have Morrigan struggle a little more with them. Get more wounds, have a harder time. Makes it seem less easy and her more relatable.
Morrigan, seeing their fear had exposed them, took her hand from her shoulder quickly and raised the barbed stave toward the creature.
"seeing their fear had […]" <- delete this
"You need to keep the stave on that creature, until you can get close. Then hit it in the eyes with it. Don't worry about the details, or about what it is. If you breathe, you will survive."
Only her shoulder got grazed, right? Why can't she do it with the other arm?
He laid the stave on the creature's body.
"Laid" means that he just left it on top of it rather than stabbing again.
The many elites of the Malthus had long been numb to the screams of their victims. The bloodletting in that dark underground cellar was a means to an end, and a tool for Malthus is a tool for the strong. Their low pleas, reached no ears willing or caring enough to listen. The cultists were more attentive of the eldritch runes and contraptions their blood was given.
This sorta description feels overtly simplistic for the GoI. Makes them seem like just bad guys rather than people with actual motivations.
The last rounds she saved for a full month now spent, she quickly dropped the pistol.
… For an entire month without a single moment of radio signal? This needs more explanation within the tale.
"Arthur, just like I told you!" Morrigan said. With only a half second to breathe, arthur threw something in the room. Morrigan quickly turned away and closed her eyes. A great flash left the Malthus to see the light of folly, and unable to deny Morrigan's blade. Slaying the few survivors inside, all that was left was the poo victims hanging from the low ceiling above their ritual symbols. She looked back to see a horrified Arthur.
Arthur
poo -> poor
"Some simply cannot move in the face of terror, and others lead by example of strength. The frailty of the weak, you managed to carry this far."
Suggest phrasing him in a less evil-bad-guy way. Little more sympathetic.
Weak… it was all he an hear, even as he saw his parents together. They smiled and repeated the words to him. His mother's monstrous form repeated it, and a dying father repeated it. Weak…
What's up with this? Why'd he think this?
Arthur mounted the fallen leader, yelling as he swiped the leader's throat. No deep breaths, just vents of rushed air through grit teeth. He couldn't stop his parent's from coming back to him, but the blood might blind him.
I'd frame this as something deliberately orchestrated by this guy. Some sort of blood fume or whatever — this is not how people act, much less children.
Other than this — this is good. Some more descriptions of emotions and characterization of the Malthus peeps and this is good to go.
The Abyss Stares Back
Remove this from the top of the article
Rescue Protectorate
Rescue Rangers sounds better here
In a fire fight with a Church ambush
This feels redundant, basically saying "in an attack from a church attack". Cut out one of the two
towards her former son, Morrigan saw the chance
I think saying "it" rather than "her" would be more emphasis on how non-human the beast is
Alright, Arthur.
Forget a quotation mark on the left
i want you to do this
I want you to do this
There attire a combination
Their
, and
this comma isn't needed when you are not listing multiple objects
managed a few
personal thing here, but i think "coughed out some final" would work better here and be harder hitting
moment a group had rushed to investigate
group rushed
but it was thickest at it's source
its
awhile
A while
he saw he was to late
too late
all he an hear
all he could hear
Initially when I read this I was mostly positive, however on a reread for SPAG issues this begins to fall apart some what. While I wouldn't say that this basically kills the article, it is very distracting to see a lot of spelling mistakes along the way and some readers think that this can make or break the tale. I don't but I HIGHLY reccomend you run this through another spellchecker or two before publishing because there's probably some I've missed.
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