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1.3k words
Tale
Looking for crits on prose, pacing and show vs. tell.
Trevor Morris had fallen asleep with his lover, Laura Marie, in his arms. When he awakened in the moon-lit half-darkness of their bedroom, he saw her shadow cast upon the wall; she was sitting behind him on the edge of their bed.
Do you need to say their last name if its not gonna be mentioned again in the tale?
Its just "moonlit"
Also, kinda of a nitpick: How is she sitting on the edge of the bed, behind him?
Beds as commonly placed against walls, so:
1- She is squatting on the frame of the bed next to the wall
2- The bed is placed in the middle of the room, for some reason
3- Trevor is sleeping with his feet to the wall
Might wanna reword it, maybe she was next to the bed of in front of him, casting a shadow by being in front of the window
"Laura?" He propped himself up on one elbow and called to her. They had never been on a "babe" or "honeybunch" basis; for each other, their first names worked just fine. "Laura?"
1- You might wanna expand "He propped himself up on one elbow and called to her". You know, people usually have a hard time doing anything after getting up from bed, with opening eyes and talking being the two mayor reasons.
2- I would give a more tired/extended wording to his phrases, like:
"Laura? What are you doing out of bed?" and "Hey, Laura. You hear me?"
These are, of course, suggestions.
He went closer to her and reached for her shoulder. A bright, momentary glare caught his eye and made him flinch; when his vision came back, Laura had opened their bedroom door and reached for a hand whose owner was just out of sight. She left the room.
1- Slight oversight, you never mentioned he got out of bed and how. And if he is still in bed, you might wanna change the wording because it sounds like he is "getting closer" as in walking.
2- I think the first lines of events is a bit blunt, I would suggest:
Still dazed from his sudden arousal, Trevor began creeping ever so closer to Laura, reaching for her shoulder.
3- "A bright, momentary glare caught his eye and made him flinch" What is this talking about? Is it about Laura's gaze? Some unseen entity before he could reach her? Its a bit confusing. Also, I think a period would work better here instead of a semicolon.
4- when his vision came back, Laura had opened their bedroom door and reached for a hand whose owner was just out of sight. She left the room. This implies he could't see Laura due to the "glare" instead of just flinching. Its also weird to have nothing in between the flinch and this action, although thats kind of a nitpick.
Also, I would suggest saying "reached out for a hand"
From the living room, Trevor could hear the front door unlock. At this point, Trevor was now fully awake. "Laura!" He leapt out of bed and ran to her, seeing her walk out of the house and closing the door behind her. He rushed outside, a flurry of emotions now filling him; fear, perhaps jealousy? Who the hell was she so close to that she would ignore her own husband, ignore him and just fuck off like that?
1- I would suggest changing the first "Trevor" for "he" and changing the other sentence to "It was at this moment that Trevor became fully awake"
2- I think I would be more worried than jelous if someone took my wife away at night in such a manner.
When he made it outside, she out of sight, but far from out of mind. Trevor sped out in onto the sidewalk, spinning around, searching desperately for her. Nowhere. Nothing. No Laura. No owner of that mystery hand.
she was*
no need for the "in" before "onto"
I would change the last bit to:
Nowhere. No Laura. No mysterious. No nothing.
"Fuck!" He tried to keep himself from shouting. He ran back into the house and looked through her phone. Nothing. Her email. Nothing. Many thoughts raced through his mind. She must have deleted a number of private messages between herself and whoever it was she walked out with.
A bit of a weird reaction, I would have called the police more than anything. If you wanna go into the cheating or love aspect you could have Laura giggling as she runs away with the Mr. Hand. You know, something to make us agree with Trevor in that this may be an affair.
…No way that could be the case.
I would put the 3 periods after the "No"
He lay down in bed, weeping softly. He longingly gazed at their wedding photo, the sight of it blurred by tears. He held it close to his chest and somehow, in some way, found himself in the arms of sleep. As he fell asleep, though, he could have sworn he felt the comforting touch of fingers running through his hair.
laid down*
I would replace "As he fell asleep" for "As Trevor fell into a deep slumber"
—
If you wanna make a divider, use five -
In the middle of the night, someone knocked on his bedroom window. His eyes snapped open with the audible popped of someone who had slept for an extended period of time. He shot up in bed, every sense on high alert. Whoever it was, they knocked on the window again.
audible pop*
their own just out of sight by the side of the window.
owner*
"What…the…fuck?" He mouthed to himself.
I think it would work better without the periods
And then the other hand appeared just below this one
And then, another hand appeared just below this one*
hey began speaking to him in sign language. A soft light emanated from the side where these arms were extending from.
<Trevor.>
He knows sign language? Is Laura mute or something? You could say that in this paragraph, or before it.
Trevor considered himself lucky for knowing sign language.
As I said before, this could have been said earlier to avoid confusion. But also, why? Its a very weird thing to know unless you require to know it
Trevor leaned sideways to try to see Laura
to try and see*
<I miss you. I'm somewhere else now, somewhere better. Please join me.>
How is the hand using sign language while trying to keep the door open? I don't think there is enough room for the other, and if there is, say it.
I would put a little more feeling to this, like:
<I miss you Treavor. I'm somewhere else now, somewhere better. Why don't you join me?>
It was…comforting
Leave a space after the 3 periods when another word follows them. Also, I think the second use of the 3 periods here is not really necessary
The other hands slid upwards, retracting back into the mid-air ripples, causing a little upside-down splash. A transparent fluid flew upwards into the sky. Moments later, the hand re-emerged with what resembled a pearl. It offered it to Trevor.
I… really don't understand whats happening here
feeling heart pounding in his ears
his heart*
gently rested on his chest and lifted his head upwards
then gently*
though they all differed slightly in their own little ways
though they all slightly different in their own little ways*
and then Laura's infinite arms quickly descended on them and tied themselves around the Trevors like knots and tied them together tightly
I would change the first "tied" for "tethered"
I would also remove the first "them"
like dolls tied together with twine
"held together" sounds better, as you are using "tied" way too much
saw flashbacks on a life he never lived.
of a life*
Thoughts:
Hey, that wasn't bad. It was an interesting tale about cosmic horro and love, very good for a first contribution.
From the living room, Trevor could hear the front door unlock. It was at this moment that Trevor became fully awake.
Kinda clunky. Suggest replacing the second sencence with an action.
Something like "From the living room, Trevor heard the front door unlock. The noise jolted him awake."
Jealousy had no place Who the hell was she so close to that she would ignore her own husband, ignore him and just fuck off like that?
Missing period after "place."
No…way that could be the case.
Why're the ellipses there? They're kinda awkward.
Two lengthy humanoid arms dangled from mid-air, extending from what resembled liquid-like ripples hanging above. These arms had several elbows and became thinner the higher up they went as well as flattened along the way, as though only the flesh had stretched, but the bones stayed the same length.
This sort of description feels at an awkward middle point between clinicality and normal description — it lacks emotion and fails at conveying the impact the image has on the protagonist. To him it's not two lengthy humanoid arms, it's more like Laura's arms stretching from the skies, impossibly lengthened and sprinkled with too many elbows, you get me?
lights and warm colors dripping down the walls as though he were on LSD, but stronger.
While the drug comparison is funny, I feel as if it detracts a little from the serious, spooky tone of the tale.
His feet left the ground, his arms stretched, and he screamed as he felt the worst growing pains he never could have possibly imagined. He had just hit cosmic puberty.
Again, some more emotion here would help. Plus explaining it as "cosmic puberty" detracts from the eldritch/cosmic aspect in that it's not supposed to be understandable and sensical from our POV. This sort of this is always best left to reader interpretation.
Other than that, this is a pretty neat tale! Certainly an unusual first contribution, and a good one at that. Just pumping up the descriptions would make it way better, though.
Alright, I crit RPCs more than tales, so I'll be forgoing my standard format.
In terms of grammar, there's nothing for me to day right now; I think everything's fine and anything that's not fine is a matter of personal preference. So good work!
I think the article itself works fine. Can't say it's particularly good or bad, though I've never been one to be interested in tales or romance. I do like the suspense of "what happened to Laura" though, that's more up my alley.
I think my biggest issue with this article is that it is a good tale but not a good RPC tale. I can't tell which RPC these hands or this situation corresponds to, or which Authority Division's personnel this event happened to, or which Authority GoI facilitated this. Here are some good examples.
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/and-he-must-always-hurt
(Authority GoI)
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/working-unpaid-overtime
(RPC-067)
http://rpcauthority.wikidot.com/caseouverture
(Authority Division)
These examples all have some element of the Authority in them, and this draft doesn't have that as of now. I'm sure we can discuss more of this in the Discord on how to better integrate this article to the Authorityverse!
Right now, 2-3 out of 5 because this article doesn't fit on the Authority. Easy 4 if it's better integrated to the Authority.
(account deleted)