RPC-001 Proposal & Budget Cuts Entry
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/crepe-cake-iii
Thanks in advance.
RPC-001 Proposal & Budget Cuts Entry
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» RPC-001 Proposal & Budget Cuts Entry
Summary:
Research Division
Jesus, wow.
This demanded a lot of my limited attention span — by the end I was skimming around as if I was reading study materials; the sheer amount of content and formality of it made the latter half feel overwhelming.
I still have mixed feelings regarding this. It certainly feels like the logical conclusion to your writing style in its demand to attention and brain power, but I'm unsure whether this is a good thing for a 001 — there's a lot of good content nevertheless, but I feel like it isn't enough to justify reading so much content. The implications of these 14 revelations are certainly massive, but it's not satisfying in the traditional sense.
This was certainly a very tiring read. Very, very well written article, but I'll have to try it again at a later date.
For now, my suggestions are;
- Try and trim down some of the transcripts if possible
- Add some sort of visual break inbetween them — maybe some sort of B plot
- Make the conclusion slightly less dense
This is good and inevitable advice and I agree with everything you are saying here. I'll try to trim it down a lot, but I might need help for what parts aren't necessary and can be removed. Let me know if you come back to it and have the time/energy.
Thanks for the read.
Fantastic. I truly enjoyed this, and I think its already better than our current 001. There was one sentence in pretty much the entire 5 sections of speeches that I thought was a bit odd
What do I mean? Now you are sure I am crazy. Hold on.
I don't know if this is meant to be poor grammar on the speakers part, but it could be altered to be a bit less awkward (since it isn't really incorrect, just… awkward)
I did also really like the final letter too, but as the creator of Forge, I feel like the tone of the letter could use just a smidgen of work. From what I can tell in the letter in this draft, he's trying to possibly make a no-lose scenario with this letter, with him winning if research is successful because of the deal he's made or if they fail because he can pick up the pieces and use this plan to try to get containment to receive the budget. I'm not sure if that's your intention, but his high flattery of GD-SCHL seems a bit insincere considering he really hates most of Research (although SCHL would probably be an exception due to his history in labor and physical fields) and his mentioning that the other GDs wouldn't be ready with proper counter arguments kinda implies he might have something up his sleeve if the SCHL presentation doesn't go as well as planned.
I'd try to emphasize some of those aspects of the letter to make it slightly more fitting of Forge, but other than that it was great. A couple of other small fixes in the letter in terms of grammar:
the varying compounds we produce.
As far as I know, Viderics is handled by research?
a rose by another name.
The line is "A rose by any other name"
And that's all! Again, I really enjoyed this one, excellent work.
Thanks for reading! I'll address what you say in order. Yes, this odd phrase is supposed to be an imperfect phrasing due to the speaker being ESL. The awkwardness is intentional, but that's a risky move, and I'll think on changing it, especially if it seems to be a common criticism. I agree with the notes about FORGE and actually removed him from the article after re-reading his file, because he was enlisted in 2010 and I felt that was a bit late for the chronology here. I'll see what others think of that, and if I can smooth out the tone and interpersonal dynamics more, I may put him back in. I'd like him to be there. The replacement is certainly more boring, but it does avoid these issues. Yes to the viderics being the purview of research, but still, they have to be manufactured, and this individual is more on that end of things (as Forge might be). The "rose" line is aware of the classic one, but I felt this was a bit of a remix of it, giving it a tad bit of flare. I'll consider changing it to the more familiar version, especially if it hangs people up
Again, thanks for reading it, I know it is a lot and pretty dry!
Things:
Why is the starting logo rusty? Its digital, how can it have that texture aside from shadows, it should more than anything be clean and if you wanna add any effects, TV/PC static
If you have come across this page without being directed to do so, leave now
How would someone randomly access this page that requires Level 5 clearence by accident?
up to involuntary amnesticization, removal from the Authority, or on-sight termination.
I think the termination part is a bit too over the top, I don't see why the Authority would just kill people
NOTICE TO LEVEL 5 PERSONNEL
Mostly what we were already told in the warning. They could be combined, imo
Proceed?
Its weird to see this type of question without it being a link or a collapsible
The Article:
Safe Handling and Usage: N/A
Kind of a missed oportunity for a build-up in this section. Idk, something to get our attention before we get to the small description
SELECTED DOCUMENTATION:
They are continua. Some more than others. A pattern screamer, for example, is a very short extension, very close to the Omega.
I don't think pattern screamers exist in RPC.
Gödel is, I think, your best pupil, and certainly the most talented to come out of Site-286.
You should make clear what this means. Most 286 personnel, at least before Authority reunion, were monks and all the jazz. You could say he went to Site-286 as an intern for a project or AET that was dealing with an anomaly in Site-286, and there he meet GD-SCHL.
I think Gödel uses too many variations of "English is my second language" to the point it may feel a bit awkward. Also, the use of an ESL character, while interesting, may confuse or turn off some readers for how their sentences may sound at times. The latter is more of a nitpick
Thoughts:
I fucking loved this to bits. It is everything I could have ever hoped for in regards to Research autism and it did not let me down. I have to give you a round of applause for your use of mathematical terms and other theories, all put in very simple to understand ways.
I also, as its creator, really like how you have used GD-SCHL in this article.
I think this is one of the only articles I wish I could give 6 stars too. And a way better and simpler 001 entry than the one we currently have.
These are good points. I’ll address them in order here.
I’ll redo the logo, definitely want to err on the side or immersion and believability. TV screen effect may be the way to go.
Sorry, it isn’t clear but that first section before the first horizontal line is supposed to represent a splash page. It will feature the warning and end with “proceed?” as a link to the file.
I agree in part about the termination threat, and I’m not sure there’s anything in the article that, if it were learned, would necessitate killing someone. But I think in universe, that is intentionally overbaked to discourage it, even if it’s not really true. Also, there is an in-universe argument because the other options assume a 100% success rate for amnestics when that might not be the case. This matters in terms of rival groups attempting to steal sensitive info or intellectual property.
For the safe handling, I wanted the article to be as sparse as possible, as the hook itself for a 001.
Oh ok sorry about the pattern screamers, I’ll come up with something equivalent here. Any suggestions?
This is great notes about the lore and Site-286, I’ll work that in.
I’ll take away an ESL insert here and there.
Thanks a bunch again.
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