Crit me or be called a coward! Also this is a collaborative multi-part narrative piece between myself and users Von Pincier and
Fortunae. Click here to crit. for part 1 and click here to crit for part 2.
I would like to specifically ask all critics to give their opinions on whether these two parts should be separate RPCs or a single one with page insets. Thank you again and good luck!
Part 1
The only thing I really have is this
Their research requests were denied, due to both ethical concerns, and uncertainties as to the as-yet-unknown side-effects of extensive Videric neurotransmitter use in low-gravity environments.
They have been using viderics on Mars semi-regularly since mid 2019 (577). It might be better to divulge into the ethical concerns more.
Reposting part 2 from dms
RPC-XXX-A's area of effect has, as of 2/21/2021, been measured to extend across the entire Lunar surface to a height of approximately 500 metres.
Is there an estimated depth of effect as well? You say later in the containment that "RPC-XXX-A is believed to extend to a depth of approximately 229 killimeters into the Lunar mantle." Not sure yet if that's the same thing as it's area of effect, but I'm guessing it's not
Consequently, all current personal reality coherency stabilization apparatuses have proven useless within the direct vicinity of the anomaly.
It would be nice to have a footnote describing what exactly is "direct vicinity" if that differs from the previously described area of effects
portable AECRs
Footnote description please
a regular dosage of 4 mcg of Prosectide every 6 hours.
That is extremely low, is that intended? Prosectide is 30mcg per killogram, so someone 150 killograms a regular dose would be 4500micrograms.
It would be nice to include a photo of a simmilar fractal pattern that the tunnles follow
I read it as separate articles (one about a week ago and the second I just read) and I think that it read well that way. It was kinda nice going back to the first one and seeing all the foreshadowing. I suggest keep it as separate articles.
Agreeing with Von, your crit has been disregarded.
I have actually addressed most aspects of your critique already and I'm happy you took the time to give us read.
or changes in ACS
changes in coherency/general coherency/etc (You don't just say "ACS")
However and most notably,
However, and most notably,*
by loss of large tracts of time
by a loss*
these events often result in near-fatal incidents or accidents.
Are those "highly improbable" always on the "bad side" of the spectrum? Could be worth a mention if so.
This endeavor was largely based on unfounded fears of RPC-543 establishing their own Lunar facilities.
Le absolute shill
- GD-SCHL
I would recommend making him sound a tad bit less imposing in his statements, although mostly a nitpick.
Overview:
Given this article is kinda short as well as lacking a solid end (link to the second article) I do believe the two should be insets. This article, while interesting, doesn't stand on its own
Level 4/AEDF clearance with long-term lunar exploration suits equipped with Mk. IV personal reality anchoring devices.
Oh no, nonono.
the Prometheus Primogenitus, and members of ProLab have been tasked with
If you say the whole name for PP, you can do the same for Protocol Laboratory
RPC-XXX-A represents the AC singularity
Should it just be "coherency singularity"? Why say "Anderson Coherency singularity"?
triggered by RPC-███
What now?
as viewed under the influence of Viderics.
Was the camera itslef high on Viderics when taking the photo?
A former charter company of daredevil pilots, aerospace engineers, and self-proclaimed 'psychonauts' under the Bureau of Acquisitions' Axton Hornsby Exploration Society. The Equinas Aureale was transferred into Protection Division's jurisdiction and agglomerated into the AEDF following the failure of the 1969 expedition.
Shouldn't this be on the first article? Where they are first mentioned?
I recommended to Mr. Rowley that our second expedition be conducted under the influence of a constant low-dosage drip of Prosectide, administered at intervals infrequent enough to minimize the risk of side effects.
So, microdosing?
"Calver"13,
footnotes come after commas
sequence of events that lead
I feel like this is missing the beginning
Chrysalis17.
footnotes come after periods
UNKNOWN MALE: A time to be born, a time to be born.
Lacks a space before the start of the paragraph
UNKNOWN MALE: Too deep for the flood, too deep.
Same issue as before
Dr. Merodak: Don't you hear it, brother?
Name lacks bolding
► Access RPC:/099/supplamental/-002.txt ◄
Goddamn this part was really boring and hard to read. Its basically schizo babble, and if it had any deep meaning, I was too overwealmed by the amount of times the same sentences was repeated in different ways over and over.
Final Review:
Article was really good until the last collapsible. I didn't like that nor the ending much, it felt like a let-down for all the previous build-up. The ending, as a whole, was a chore to read through, it wasn't interesting enough to hook me up nor did it have enough interesting information to keep me interested.
As of the current state, a 3. Maybe a 4.
The following is a semi-comprehensive list of recent probabilistic incidents believed to be caused by RPC-099, recorded from 2013 onward. Please adhere to this format when adding to the list.
Kinda stupid nitpick, but maybe this could give someone the impression that this list is open to add to.
RPC-XXX-1 represents a Celantur "low-level" interdimensional ecosystem theorized to originate from the singularity.
Possible ESLism; this is a kinda confusing description. Some very slight elaboration (perhaps in a footnote) would help picture what this means.
Dr. Aldous Merodak
Funny story, his name reminds me of the nickname we had for the local high school dwarf — in my headcanon Merodak is now a 1.50m gnome.
Dr. Farange has notified me that hallucinations of this nature are not consistent with other low Coherency spaces. I could swear it almost felt alive - personal, even.
RPC-866 spotted
Fortunately, the radio transceiver beacons we placed at regular intervals, combined with the deployment of several automated rovers, ensured that we were generally able to keep our bearings.
At this point, the background image noticeably loops. Inconsequential nitpick, I know.
Our hand weapons and flamethrower did nothing.
How does a flamethrower work in space?
Never doubt the worm.
Of all possible spooky anomalous phrases to be compulsively repeated, this one seems kinda memey to me. Like something you'd see in an acid worm vaporwave macro. Not sure if this is of any value, but maybe someone else shares my feelings.
It was not yet time.
I'm starting to deeply dislike this trope of "crossed out/obviously wrong compulsive statement that somehow goes unnoticed by anyone" — at times it feels overtly expository, and at others it feels like unnecessary fluff. Like; I understand whatever's going on is memetic/compulsive and fucking with everyone's heads. Making it more obvious detracts from the atmosphere this article (and the 099 rewrite) achieves so far of subtle wrongness ramping up.
sequence of events that lead to the deaths of the other members of the expedition team have remained inconclusive.
Missing "The"?
an egg to break. A pregnant grey star
nice foreshadowing!
16. A term sometimes used to refer to the Engineer, a somewhat gnostic creator-god in Nihil-centric philosophies.
gnostic -> demiurgic
Just to be clearer.
UNKNOWN MALE: A time to be born, a time to be born.
Missing line break
Merodak. Merro. Marduk. Mar'uk.
I did not approve of this self-insert!
My brother Empedoc gained his eyes with that old tower and his congregation
da walker
UNKNOWN MALE: Too deep for the flood, too deep.
Missing line break
Dr. Merodak: Don't you hear it, brother?
Missing bolding
It appears that Merodak, whatever he is or was, had been indirectly planning this event since the dawn of human civilization.
Once again, kind of a breach in subtlety. The end note would be better off without this.
Furthermore — How SCHL could come to this conclusion is beyond me, at least with the information present.
Kinda mixed feelings here. The overall is very solid in terms of themes and imagery, but the underlying plot swaps around from being too subtle to being too overt. I presume this will be continued in future articles, so it's probably not fair to judge so far.
Most of the article does an excellent job at subtly developing the wrongness of the Moon, but this creates a problem in the latter half in that it lacks some sort of punch. Something that a reader can really grasp as impactful, rather than — God forgive me for saying this, for it is a sin against my own flesh — "cool imagery."
I think 099 and the worm article should be together, honestly. The former absolutely cannot stand without the latter.
