RPC-099 rewrite

Summary:

part of a larger product

RPC-099 rewrite

KaiserXI 10 Feb 2021 21:46

Crit me or be called a coward! Also this is a collaborative rewrite between myself and users Von Pincier and Fortunae. Click here to crit.

Re: RPC-099 rewrite

Almarduk 10 Feb 2021 23:10

I believe that this would benefit from the Authority attempting to investigate the causes of 099 events and potential greater significance/common causes beyond it just being a tychokinetic anomaly. Some reference to inconclusive investigations (perhaps comparing 099 to other tychokinetic anomalies?) and their findings could clue in as to the direction of this larger product you've got under wraps.

The conclusion is rather unsatisfying. I dislike how the article is being used as a hook for this greater project without any allusion, clue or reference as to what it is; it would greatly benefit from at least a half-redacted resume of the project in question, or really anything that would help it stand on its own better without being a passing publicity for a future project.

Re: RPC-099 rewrite

TTPY 12 Feb 2021 21:43

+crit

A few of these can be substituted with just "coherency"

Suggestion: present at

Suggestion: "into exploring and charting" or "into the exploration and charting of"

The bodies of all eleven expedition members were never recovered

Suggestion: of the eleven expedition members

personnel report a highly-localized moonquake

Suggestion: reported

Investigations reveal that the site's primary

revealed (?)

result in damage to much of the surveying equipment employed by the construction team

resulted (?)

consistent (?)

Budget Cuts Project

Crosslink to the event.

---

Feels like missing some context (Which I know is probably supposed to be explained later down the line)

There's a huge 9-year gap in-between log 12 and 13 that went unexplained. I am not saying to fill it in with maybe another 10+ logs so the better way would be to specify the list to be an abridged log.

I think the log would also benefit from some interconnectivity, minimal attention were given to Dr. Merodak and Dr. Sylvius and the incidents were fairly isolated:

There's some display of development the two doctors, shown in incident 9 and eventually developed into mutual (dis)trust in the earlier-mentioned 2020 incident that was also cut(?)/deliberately not further talked about(?) from the article, which is seemingly a set up for a tale or be explored in another article (Either a incident log on Site-019 or Wormsneed?).

Logs where one has an effect on another is great, such as incident 8 with the establishment of the barrier and then being remenioned in incident 12. Similarly, the mining laser in incident 13 could have been used for those collapsed tunnels from incident 12(The wording is not clear if that's the case, and I also understand the implausibility given the 9-year gap).

Incident 11 in particular sounds like the Site-099 was deserted at that time, but later logs display the Site to continue on as-is(I understand that there is another year and a half of time-gap). The constant outbreaks and paranoia could have been used to justify further mistakes made later on (Incident 7 resulted in further deliveries of supply, resulting in the Mosquito getting onto Site-099, which results in medical personnel shortage which contributes to further casualties in later incidents).

It is true that Tychokinetic hazards by their nature negates the need for reasonings/probability for events to occur but the resultant effect of the connecting the logs to one another does give a more "escalating"/"snow-balling" feel to these incidents.

Idk, I felt like I'm just rambling stuff

Last edited on 12 Feb 2021 21:45 by TTPY Show more