TROLLED!
The FSN works on a system that can be compared to baseline’s liberal democracy.
that is comparable to a liberal democracy in baseline reality.
such a movement
such as movement
lighting bolt and lighting coal
Correct it to lightning
all of the Molugol
all of RPC-416-3
take out a joint attack effort
execute a joint attack effort
January the 32nd
The real anomaly… (I assume you meant 22nd)
president elect of the Free Svith Necropolis
president elect typically means someone who won an election but has not taken the seat of office yet. Therefore, change it to just "president"
RPC-416: Correct, my engineers…
RPC-416-1A
boney hand
I'd say skeletal feels more formal here
RPC-416-1
Add teh A
done puking, back to crit
Anyways, I agree with alma, this is Tarbolin the RPC. Very interesting lore building of the financial department without it being boring CSPAN footage. I love RPC-416-1A I wish I could shake his bony hand, one of the more interesting characters I have seen within articles and I hope he gets used more often following this. I have no gripes with this, easy 5 star
RPC-416 is the designation for a spatial rift located within the abandoned mining town of Whitestone, Sakha, Russia which leads to ALTR-AC18, an alternate reality on which the course of human history has been severely affected by the existence and common knowledge of anomalies.
"RPC-416 is the designation for a spatial rift located within the abandoned mining town of Whitestone, Sakha, Russia. RPC-416 leads to ALTR-AC18, an alternate reality in which the course of human history has been severely altered by the common knowledge and widespread availability of anomalies."
The machinery used to open and stabilize this rift is severely under researched due to refusal from RPC-416-1A to allow Authority personnel near it.
"The functioning of the machinery used to open and stabilize RPC-416 is poorly understood due to the refusal of RPC-416-1A to allow Authority personnel near it."
It is believed that RPC-416-1 instances are able to exist due to a permanent anomalous effect within the FSN region that causes sentient/sapient organic matter to be unable to die of natural causes, instead causing them to constantly decay until all that remains is the skeletal structure,7 which also begins to decay following some years.
"It is believed that RPC-416-1 instances are able to exist due to a permanent anomaly affecting the FSN region that causes sentient/sapient organic life to be unable to die of natural causes, instead gradually losing biological functions as the body decays and eventually leaving only the skeletal structure. Bones only decay a few years after the total loss of all other organic matter."
but instead generates high voltage currents and releasing arcs of electricity when sufficiently heated, this process will progressively convert solid material into energy until all of the Molugol has been completely exhausted.
"but instead generates high voltage currents and provokes electric discharges onto its surroundings when sufficiently heated. This process progressively convers solid material into energy until all of the Molugol has been consumed."
The construction and maintenance of power plants that utilize RPC-413-3 as its main source of fuel is not only easier and safer, but also more convenient for regions like AFRICOM where the maintenance of such projects is heavily syphons Authority monthly spendings, as its use requires only a simple understanding of its properties and minimal safety equipment (e.g gas masks) without the need for specialized personnel to be present.
"The construction and maintenance of power plants utilizing RPC-416-3 as its main source of fuel is not only easier and safer, but also more convenient for regions with intensive maintenance necessities such as AFRICOM, which are known to heavily syphon monthly allowances. Use of RPC-416-3 requires only a simple understanding of its properties and minimal safety equipment (e.g gas masks) without requiring specialized personnel for its operation."
Although due to their reproduction cycle, these constructs will only last an average of 2 weeks before they start crumbling apart and releasing more seeds in random patterns, become increasingly difficult to manage, with controlled fires being one of the simple ways to manage the issue.
"Due to its reproductive cycles, constructs produced using RPC-416-4 last an average of 2 weeks before they begin to crumble, releasing high quantities of seeds in unpredictable patterns and becoming increasingly difficult to manage. Controlled fires are currently accepted to be the easiest way to suppress the growth and expansion of RPC-416-4."
begans -> begins
The Boeings are closely followed in ground by several convoys carrying BOA Research personnel as well as personnel from the Engineering Component who themselves are carrying material for the construction of an OL-Site.
"The Boeings are closely followed in the ground by a convoy of personnel from the Bureau of Acquisition and the Engineering Component, carrying material for the construction of an OL-Site."
Research: $455.856 (Coherency Testing Equipment - Laboratory Set-Up Equipment - Miscellaneous Testing Equipment - Miscellaneous Chemicals and Material)
These prices seem pretty low tbh
Economic assets will be deducted from Site-084 in order to pay for the above mentioned expenses, as well as from their respective administrative accounts.
Why's this not in orange?
From the grimoires we were able to acquire during the “July Revolution”,
Suggest having this line be more descriptive.
RPC-416-1A extends its boney hand
"boney" is unnecessary here
As such, the plan for continuing our mining operation will not only continue
"As such, we will not only continue our mining operation"
to the Authority, rejoice for this day we come out victorious against the hate and violence that brought down the necromancers so many years ago, for we have gone further to maintain the peace free market that defines our nation, for we have showed not only our world, but this one, that the spirit of the Free Svith Nation shall never be crushed!
"[…] to the Authority. Rejoice, for this day we come out victorious against the hate and violence that brought down the Necromancers so many years ago, for we have gone further to maintain the peaceful free market that defines our nation, for we have showed not only our world, but this one […]"
This is hilariously hypocritical, I fucking love it
Personnel have draw comparisons between it and the song “Mother Anarchy Loves Her Sons” used by the Revolutionary Insurrectionary Army of Ukraine in baseline during 1918 to 1921
draw -> drawn
in baseline -> in Baseline Reality
“Znatkost Textiles” quickly became the first fully private business
isn't this referred to as "Znatkost Theatres" earlier on?
And in September the 8th, 1925, the troops arrived to the Tsars castle to find a nearly dead and agonizing Nicholas, using the last of his power to protect himself and his family from Znatkost’s men, a futile task as he and all his lineage were sentenced to hanging, with their souls being destroyed as to never rise again, giving birth to a new and free svith necropolis.
"And in September the 8th, 1925, the troops arrived to the Tsar's castle to find a nearly dead and agonizing Nicholas, using the last of his power to protect himself and his family from Znatkost's men; a futile effort, as he and his lineage were sentenced to hanging and their souls destroyed to never rise again, giving birth to a new and free Svith Necropolis."
I don’t think we had anything like that where I’m from
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
If I'm honest, these types of “things” made my bones shiver, even if I can be considered one of them.
I don't get what he means.
Really based article, chock-full of content and creativity - one of the greatest expressions of your writing style. Instantaneous 5 stars.
Changes made by our discretion may be highlighted in orange.
at our discretion
as well as allowing entrance towards it reality of origin.
into its
PC-416 is currently self contained within Whitestone, Russia
self-contained
laboral support
labor support
referred as "Luchshekost"
referred to
with the remaining 20% being made up by diverse metalloids
made up of
This, however, has not shown
has not been shown
w
Suggestion: A partial list of these objects…
The entirety of the Sahara desert within ALTR-AC18’s african continent
African continent
non-Euclidean
commonly in the smaller side of the spectrum.
Suggestion: but are still considered small compared to Tuluwhai’s technology.
(or something like that)
RPC-416-2, by the use of electrical currents sent to it, allows for the near instantaneous transmission
near-instantaneous
they can still prove vital to in different scenarios common for the Authority
prove vital in
The study concluded a battery composed of 416-3
The study concluded that
“The Pact” is socioeconomic and political alliance between Ireland, Scotland, and Britannia
is a
, but that continued to exist following the end of the conflict.
, but
to exist
more applications for RPC-416-4 such temporary containment units
such as
the impending decommissioning of Site-084 in lieu if its history
in lieu of its
but one personnel was left wheelchair bound
wheelchair-bound
Several RPC-416-1A instances rise their fists into the air
raise
GD-COMM
Page says GD-CMDR :/
are awaiting trial for putting personal life in unnecessary jeopardy
personnel lives (?)
The following is a projected list off spendings
list of
with an empty chair on the opposite site
opposite side
A reality altering anomaly was discovered with entities sprawling out from it.
reality-altering
we have showed
shown
curtisburnwood.rpc.com
(You sure that’s the right mail link?)
Deceased to a factory accident in the 22nd of April 1870
22nd
specially due to the Tsar’s post-mortem wealth tax
especially
the siberian region
Siberian
by a factor of 1:5
5:1
the troops arrived to the Tsar's castle to find a nearly dead and agonizing Nicholas
arrived at
its catasphrophic risk to both secrecy and financial stability
catastrophic
and helping is every way we can is the least I can do.
helping in any way we can
I want to first thank you for offering your assistance during this tough times we are going through
these
why offer it as one of the times available for trade with the Authority?
at
Yes, really good, lots and lots of important law set up with this article and I believe the first Admin-Toned article.
Sorry but the FSN flag still looked ass though (it just looks like a budget-cut Brazilian flag (oof))
That's about it, long live the Necropolis and Belokamensk!
My main issue with this article is that it's way too long. It just drags hard. You need to cut the parts that aren't fantastic and condense the article to only the very best and most necessary parts.
The article has a lot of decent sections, and there are some decent skeleton jokes throughout, but none of it was especially interesting or enjoyable to read and there weren't enough jokes to break up the long stretches of text. Obviously jokes aren't the only way to do that but they were really the only thing I saw in the article that served that purpose.
I think this could be a great article if the blander parts were minimized and the decent parts were refined enough or reworked enough to be very good.
What really dragged for me was the discovery log and the book chapter. The interview logs with Vladimir weren't as bad, and the rest of the article is mostly okay.
As of January 22nd, 2021, and in light of recent events, the Presidium’s Office of Financial Affairs (OFA) has decided that; material, scientific, and security spending jurisdictions
This semicolon doesn't make sense. I would remove "that" and use a regular colon. "(OFA) has decided:"
handling by standing Division officers other the past months
other -> over
Whitestone, Russia, where OL-Site-416 has been constructed for the purpose of diplomatic improvement with RPC-416-1 alongside and the exploration and archival of information regarding ALTR-AC18, which are under the jurisdiction of the Department for Cultural Affairs, the Department of Higher-Dimensional Studies, and the Office of Financial Affairs.
Saying "alongside" here makes the second bit seem secondary but then when you say "which are under the jurisdiction", it becomes unclear whether this is including exploration and archiving. Changing it to "and" fixes this.
RPC-416-1A, alongside his chosen associates, have has been granted permission by the Authority to work within the Office of Financial Affairs as economic consultants, salesmen, auditors, and trade workers.
"have" here is referring to RPC-416-1A, not including the associates, so it should be singular. You could get rid of the commas if you want it to be "have".
The main property of RPC-416 is its functionality as a 2-way entrance
The word "entrance" means one-way so this doesn't make sense. Change "entrance" to "passage".
the “Free Svith Necropolis”, a nation known to be ALTR-AC18’s equivalent of Soviet Russia, in which a libertarian revolution lead led against the then-reigning monarchy resulted in the creation of a highly capitalistic and industrial society.
"equivalent" is a confusing word to use here since it's supposed to be opposite. Use the word "analog" instead.
Add a hyphen for "then-reigning".
As a result of this, many of its citizens are highly well versed within various fields of economics and finance, or are otherwise very skilled laborers.
All RPC-416-1 instances appear to be comprised of both naturally formed bones and muscle tissue
or commercially manufactured versions of them alternatives
and having with immigration and manual construction of more instances as their only means of population increase.
I think it would be better to say "manual RPC-416-1 necromancy" rather than "manual construction of more instances".
Vladimir Ilyich Znatkost: a prosperous textile company owner and economist
Change the period to a colon like this.
which are almost unanimously followed by all RPC-416-1 instances, often citing a common saying when doing so:
In addition to all the previously mentioned information,
Get rid of this and just say "Additionally,"
A partial list of these objects can be found below;
I think this should be a regular colon, not a semicolon.
commonly used in Tuluwhaian technology .
Random space before the period.
RPC-416-2, by the use of electrical currents sent to it, allows for the near-instantaneous transmission of information across great distances. Several terminals across the Authority, as well as including those aboard AEDF vessels, have been outfitted with prototype versions of ones utilizing RPC-416-2 in hopes of achieving wide-spread utilization.
RPC-416 also allows for
RPC-416-2*
While not as efficient as current methods, it is immensely more affordable, as well as being and safe from anomalies that may interfere with electrical devices.
as well as within currently ongoing projects
both of which are dangerous to us but neglectable by RPC-416-1 instances due to their lack of organs.
There are also several Research projects currently on the work
on the work -> in the works
to replace internal batteries of High Frequency Tesla Coils (HFTC) used by the Protectorate’s Neutralization Team (NT-100).
This seems more like a biomech project than a Research one.
groups of non-discernible entities and machinery were seen exiting it, b. Before the drone could take more images, the effects from the anomaly damaged the inner machinery of the drone as it approached the area, causing it to fall and be disconnected.
Fix for run-on.
a quick containment or termination of the anomaly, followed by the construction of an OL-Site
Added a comma.
which was then carried out at 1630 in January the 22nd, a list of the events transpired follows
Run-on.
in the ground
on*
Neutralization Team personnel are already over the area, from below, a group of RPC-416-1 instances can be seen looking upwards to the carriers, some are trying to discern their motive of arrival while some smaller instances seem to be waving at it.
This is two run-ons.
6 personnel were injured as a result of this attack while 4 others ended up in a temporary comatose state, thankfully no casualties occurred, but one personnel was left wheelchair-bound as a result of it, Private Aleks Ivanov.
Run-on.
Remaining personnel hide within their convoys as all Protection assets have been destroyed or made inaccessible due to the attack, recording shows that they are shortly after taken hostage by RPC-416-1 instances.
Run-on.
Greetings “Authority”, as I’ve heard from my sources in The Pact, I am Vladimir Ilyich Znatkost
Run-on.
GD-ARCH-
Random hyphen.
This whole segment seems ridiculous. It's just too unbelievable for me to accept that Authority military planes were sent to actively instigate violence with entities from a rift they know nothing about who don't seem to be posing any visible threat. Creating conflict as a primary means of resolving something is the opposite of the Authority's MO. They aren't the US government. It's actively detrimental to the objective of maintaining the veil of normalcy.
The explanation that this only happened because the heads of that site broke protocol to do this mission without getting higher approval, and were thus removed by the Presidium, doesn't do anything to make it more believable. In the article they represent nothing more than names, not individual characters, which makes this ordeal reflect over all Site heads and makes the whole Authority look like a bunch of jackasses.
[Following a 2 hour flight towards Site-115 and a 1 hour drive to Whitestone, Mr. Romano arrives at the town recently built around RPC-416, houses made both from stone, growing trees, and other material can be seen all around as well as RPC-416-1 instances constructing more of them.]
Run-on.
Mr. Romano exits the car after attaching a recording camera to his suit, he is escorted inside the main building by 2 heavily armored RPC-416-1 instances.
Run-on.
you may leave us alone now, we have matters to attend to.
Run-on.
slowly approaching Mr. Romano. it then offers its hand in salute
Uncapitalized "i"
Skeletons cannot reproduce biologically, as I assume you already know, we either need people to die in our country or make them ourselves.
Run-on.
And what legal contract is allowing you to do such a thing here? From what I can see, this is an illegal seizing of land at best and the start of a possible clandestine mining operation at worst. What is stopping me from closing down your rift and putting an end to all of this?
I don't understand how the skeletons know this much about baseline reality before having any contact. How could they know anything about the laws of our governments, the existence of the Authority and specific happenings within it, and the composition of our planet?
Now accompany me outside to where you men are kept.
"you men" doesn't seem right.
[RPC-416-1A accompanies Mr. Romano outside, where a crowd of RPC-416-1 instances appear to have been waiting for them]
Missing period.
I and my dear friend Mr. Romano, have come to the conclusion that war isn't the way to go
Remove the comma.
whose flying vehicle was shut down
were*
shot*
[RPC-416-1A exists the warehouse and directs its attention to the rest of the instances]
exits*
Missing period.
Now begins our task for the motherland, those who cannot perform intensive labor are free to return home and help our men from there
Run-on.
[All instances repeat the last sentence and return to their work stations before Mr. Roman, alongside and all personnel, are escorted out of the building and into their vehicles, back to Site-115.]
Containment’s Engineer Component
Engineering*
build up trade infrastructure until further, as well as helping in mining operations.
This just doesn't make sense. Why is "until further" here?
It is also the same song that was used during the rebellions that lead to the formation of the FSN
led*
”Death Loves His Sons”
Isn't this song translated from Russian? It shouldn't rhyme if it's a translation.
Chapter 3: Death and Afterlife of Vladimir Znatkost
I'm gonna be honest, this section is so boring I couldn't pay attention enough to find the grammar errors to point out.
The following is a list of interviews and project suggestions that have been performed as of writing, this list may expand or decrease in relationship to the current influx or termination of current financial affairs.
Run-on, overuse of the word "current".