http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/progression-page-iv
- Dr. Pierson
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/progression-page-iv
- Dr. Pierson
"Curiosity Always Defines Reasoning"
after finding out that the authority has hundreds, if not thousands, of objects that could do just that.
"Authority" should be capitalized.
notifying its shut down due to budget cuts.
This is just a suggestion, but "its shut down" should be replaced with "its closure". It would say "notifying its closure due to budget cuts."
I looked over to my computer and glance at the file list
*glanced
I used my right to scroll through the files' list until I stumbled on Film Roll No. 51.
*I used my right hand
That's all I was able to find, this is very nice and the way things are described is flawless. And speaking of flawless, the video was fantastic! It's very well made, I hope this gets on the mainsite, nice job!
but it has for those in other worlds.
had
Sentence can be rephrased to “but it had for so many other worlds”
After all, there were rumors that people who worked for the Parallel Media and Archive had gradually lost their sanity.
Can use Future Tense.
"Times have changed, Webster. Just because I said working for this department was a mistake on day one does not reflect my character today."
Suggestion: “mindset” or “opinion” (?)
Suggestion: Crosslinks for Budget Cut and Fail Safe
under the authority of Global Director "Scholar."
I was under the assumption that it was a collective decision by the Board? Could have been better explained
Personnel employed by this department will be soon receiving transfer orders to other departments.
will soon be
Suggestion: Personnel under this department will soon be transferred to other departments.
It is advised that these department members are to immediately cease their operations and archive all materials per Presidium regulations.
Suggestion: It is advised that members cease their operations and begin archival off all materials per Presidium regulations.
I was sure her frightened tone applied to anyone within the authority.
her sentiment can be
the Authority
It was unexpecting
unexpected
but It made me apprehensive.
and it made me
(He is supposed to be concern *Because* he didn’t expected it right?)
Only one problem:
The film, as stellar as it is, does not feel like a natural conclusion to the tale, it doesn’t tie to the beginning line about the world ending, it’s just a sudden nostalgic trip that leads into an ambiguous “horror” that just ends. You didn’t lead back into the world view of the Department and so the tone is off.
You should give a chance for the characters to further reflect on it.
The end of the world has been a big fear of mine, always has been after finding out that the authority has hundreds, if not thousands, of objects that could do just that. Fortunately, it hasn't happened yet, but it has for those in other worlds.
The prose here reads somewhat stilted and straightforward. I'll re-write it for reference of what exactly I mean.
"The end of the world has been a big fear of mine. It always has been, and it only grows as the catalog of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of objects that could cause it does. Such a fate has spared our world for now, but it has refused to in others."
Of course, these were rumors- I didn't know if these were true at the time.
"Of course, there were rumors— At the time."
"Can't believe it. Last day before our department is officially gone!"
This line gives the tale a weird sentiment — like they're glad of not working here. It would be understandable if it was implied a bit more, rather than having this generalized nostalgia elsewhere.
I shook my head, chuckling softly to myself. I took back the mug from Dr. Webster, now filled with a piping hot coffee.
The way the protagonist refers to her feels unnatural — he'd probably call her by her first name instead of last name + title.
She was a friend and a colleague
Suggest elaborating on what "colleague" means here. Webster later asks "what was it like" as if she didn't know what work at Parallel Media was like, which doesn't make sense if they were close friends.
Just because I said working for this department was a mistake on day one does not reflect my character today.
This is a pretty poor exposition of character. It's just shallowly delivered in a single line, rather than elaborated upon the rest of the tale.
The letter was the same as mine that the department received from the Presidium, notifying its shut down due to budget cuts.
This line is entirely unnecessary - what it says is already conveyed by the letter following it.
"What is Webster?" I replied curiously.
"What is?" is already sufficient. "I replied curiously" is redundant, and having "Webster" in there makes it read slightly artificial.
Getting a letter from your boss is one thing, but it is guaranteed to cause frightful results if it came from the Presidium.
"but it is guaranteed to provoke fear and dread if it comes from the Presidium."
It was unexpecting when I first heard of the shutdown for our department, but It made me apprehensive.
I do not understand this line.
It made me smile as Film Roll No. 51 was one of my earliest works for the department. It felt nostalgic after many years, but I hesitated to watch it for old time's sake.
Why would a film like that make him nostalgic? It's actively horrifying.
The tale itself has really good building blocks, but it doesn't go really far with those — it feels more like an excuse to include the video, which is admittedly very good but does not fit the context neither in tone or contextually.
I suggest either dumping the video, or changing the tale to have a more negative tone that would fit it. I personally would prefer to read a longer version of this tale without the video, since its general concept is great.
Maybe add a caption to the image so we know what we seeing and the contect of it? A document extracted from the department of Parallel and Media Archive
"So, that's it? That's all you're going to provide me from your-"
I assume then this is in reference to the photo at the start, you could change the first dialogue to:
"It's different, but it has this atmosphere to it. You know?" Curtis said, saving the photo on his pocket with his right hand, biting down a piece of half-cooked bacon from his fork on the other."*
just a suggestion
with the coffee that the man ordered
that he had ordered* (sounds better than saying "man" twice)
dying his mouth covered in grease stain.
dying?
Curtis said as he looked at his own hands.
as he looked at his own* maybe say "hands" in the previous dialogue instead of just "hand"
He took a sip of coca-cola as his mind eases with the taste flowed through his dopamines.
He took a sip of coca-cola, his mind in ease as the taste flowed through his dopamines.* (or "dopamine receptors" if you wanna get handy)
Curtis took another sip of water
So, is he drinking water or coca-cola?
Final Review:
It was very good, maybe a bit too short but good. Not much I can add to it aside from a good showcase of your character Six
"It's different, but it has this atmosphere to it. You know?" Curtis said, handing the photo to the man with his right hand, biting down a piece of half-cooked bacon from his fork on the other."
little modification to make this flow better and to get rid of that quotation at the end:
"It's different, but it has this atmosphere to it. You know?" Curtis said, handing the photo off to the man with his right hand, while biting down a piece of half-cooked bacon from his fork with his left.
Curtis raised his hand in front of him. His left index finger extended, motioning a pause. He moved his hand back to the knife utensil that sat next to his plate.
little bit too wordy for me this can be reduced greatly:
Curtis raised his hand to give him pause, then moved it back to continue his meal.
"Listen. If you want to talk, I'm in the middle of eating." He glimpsed at the window to his right. "But a man's gotta eat!" He said under his breath, releasing the thought of anger from his body.
still needs better flow with some redundant statements being removed:
"Listen, if you want to talk, we'll do so after lunch." He looked to the window at his right. "After all, A man's gotta eat!" He spoke under his breath, he did not intend to say that last part out loud.
The man nodded. A waitress comes by with the coffee that he had ordered minutes prior. His lingering questions faded as his attention is brought to the coffee and the nice waitress lady who appeared attracted to him.
few past tense fixes and other things:
The man now holding the photo nodded. A waitress came by with the coffee that he had ordered minutes prior. Lingering questions he meant to ask faded, as his attention was brought to the bittersweet smell of fresh coffee and the attractive girl handing it to him.
She gave a lively flirtatious omen to the man, her lips lightly bitten at him. He didn't give much attention to it but thanked her for the coffee with a light smile. The waitress walks, and Curtis quickly looks at her.
lots of fixes with this one:
She gave a standard greeting to the man, as well as a lively smile. He didnt give much attention to it, and thanked her for the coffee with a smile of his own. She walked back to her station, with Curtis remarking about her as she went.
"Wish we had nice ladies." Curtis finishes up his meal, grabbing a stacked cloth on their table, wiping his mouth covered in grease stain.
past tense fixes and other:
"Wish we had girls like her." Curtis finished his meal, he grabbed a stacked cloth on their table, wiping the grease stains from his mouth.
The man took the coffee with his left, six-fingered hands, crumpling his last two index fingers as he lifted the cup near his lip. Curtis noticed this as he moved the empty plate aside.
tiny bit of wording:
The man took the coffee with his six-fingered left hand, crumpling his last two index fingers as he lifted the cup near his lip. Curtis noticed this as he moved the empty plate aside.
Thats all i got for this so far, ill try to come back to this.
I'm tired, so I won't be giving the most detailed crit, not to mention it's a rather short story.
"She gave a lively flirtatious omen to the man, her lips lightly bitten at him."
Omen is usually used for a sign of danger or distress, using it in a friendly or flirtatious manner seems kinda odd.
"Now, it's gone with budget cuts." Sounds a bit forced, like a movie character saying the name of their movie. Maybe instead have something like "now, it ain't nothing but a pipe dream with our new budget." etc
"such as the department's shutdown as part of administrative budget cuts" also sounds a bit off, but not horribly. Maybe something like "such as the department's shutdown as a result of recent budgetary cutting,"
"we have been green-lighted your request for release." 'we have been' sounds off, instead just use "your request for release has been green-lighted".
The video is spooky indeed, but unless the beginning was added on by the authority, it's weird that it is in full color while the rest is in black/white.
Overall I'll give this a 3, not because it is bad, but because it is so short. Whats there is good, but it feels like the prologue to a much longer story than a story itself, I compare it to a prologue as it wraps itself up nicely at the end and as such doesnt need to go on longer, but also ends almost as quickly as it began.
Oh boy! Here I go critting again!
Green text.
"It's different, but it has this atmosphere to it. You know?" Curtis said, handing the photo to the man with his right hand, biting down a piece of half-cooked bacon from his fork on the other." Unncessary quotation at the end of the sentence.
The man across from snatched it from Curtis, taking a glimpse with his hands under the diner table. The man across from who? Why do you say he snatched it and then his hands were under the table, prepositionally this is very unclear.
He didn't order any meal either 'any food' or 'a meal', just a coffee with two sugar and a half-milk.
"So, that's it? That's all you're going to provide me from your-" Use an em dash to show interruption ex. —
"Listen. I, if you want to talk, I'm in the middle of eating."
"But a man's gotta eat!" Use a period since he's saying it under his breath.
His lingering questions faded as his attention is brought to the coffee comforting drink and the nice young waitress lady who appeared attracted to him. Very nit picky on this one, but added some flavor text and show don't tell. Don't tell me she's attracted to him, show me by making her wink or by placing her hand on his shoulder.
She gave a lively flirtatious omen to the man, her lips lightly bitten at him. If you take my previous edit make it "Her lively flirtations bolstered the man only slightly; he didn't give much attention to it but thanked her for the coffee with a light smile."
"Wish we had nice ladies back home." Curtis said finishing up his meal, grabbing a stacked cloth on off their table as he dabbed wiping his grease-stained mouth covered in grease stain.
The man took the coffee with his left– six-fingered hands, crumpling his last two index fingers as he lifted the cup near his lip. Use an en dash with mutiple adjectives like that, removed an s
Imagine all that, easy funding for the department with you as a member of the Board.
He took a sip of coca-cola, his mind in at ease as the taste flowed through his dopamines receptors.
The man hailed conspicuously slid the bag underneath the table next to him towards himself, unzipping it and revealing an old-film reel.
Curtis took another sip of his cola as he watched the man looking at its contents.
There was a faint label on the film's cover that appeared equally as faded; reel no. 51. Subjective flavour text here.
Because I'm paying for the meal, and when have I ever given you something dangerous? whenever has any of the previous materials I gave you have been cognitohazard? Subjective again but the dialogue was kinda forced here
The man nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I kinda figured." ##71e02c|Very subjective again but it still feels stilted here. I'd go more simple here with a short "Fair enough."
The fedora was a present for himself, taking a liking to men's fashion from the 1960s. I get a feel for this line based on what we talked about, but it doesn't stand on his own. Try being direct in implying that this Curtis is not from here.
"You too, Curtis." Curtis replied at the man.
The department, with the review by under the jurisdiction of the Information Records and Security office, has approved your request for an archived material under the Parallel and Media Archive department.
We have previously denied your request due to compartmentalization issues prior: but due to circumstances, such as the department's shutdown as part of administrative budget cuts, we have been green-lit lighted your release request for release.
Personal thoughts here, I think you nailed the feeling of a cozy diner conversation. A lot of my suggestions are pretty subjective as I mentioned, but I thoroughly enjoyed this. Good job.