+3
Good job on the spelling and grammar, other than a couple of instances where I feel like your word choice could be better its pretty much spotless. I do think that the containment protocols could be elaborated upon a bit more, they feel a bit too basic. I also think that the description and ending spiel are a little too straightforward. What constitutes an apparition to the authority? Do all of them even consider apparitions real? The final log is good, and a big improvement to the one you had on the sandbox, but I feel like it could be changed just a little bit more to be just right
- Apparition
- A ghost or ghostlike image of a person.
It's not hard to agree RPC-051 is ghostlike.
Thank you for the feedback.
Well well, if it ain’t Dexo.
Tone and grammar is a bit off in some spaces during ConProcs and Desc, you might wanna check ‘em out. From the addendum and on it’s all a breeze, very nice dialogue and very strong theme. I love how you give this man so much character in just a few strings of dialogue, although I feel you could have added a little more, maybe to show the CSD’s personality off too.
Either way, the article gets brought down by some of clinical tone. 3/5 for now.
Marco Marchi B. Mark
You tore me up man! I really like the ending log and how you managed to inject so much character in such few lines of dialogue. But its's just too much tell-over-show. I mean, the description basically spoonfeeds the reader things that could have been understood or hinted at somehow else. Because of that, I'm giving it a 3/5.
I kept forgetting to rate and comment on this one for the past few days.
It's a good article - it evokes a very sad and vivid picture through relatively little means, but it kind of stumbles around the dialogue and characterization. The way the characters talk, the brother in particular, seems wooden and for the purpose for the article rather than it feeling like a genuine conversation. But, it is not as bad as some can get which is a massive plus.
Otherwise, it does have an issue of the containment being fairly lax and filled with plot holes - why not blind the brother, be it permanently or temporarily? Could he be instructed to stare at the ground? Can he not be convinced that the Authority could bury his brother and help him? He is capable of understanding his situation even the anomalous aspects of it.
I should point out that these questions pop up due to a strong and good base that just needs expanding - not because of a lack of details or quality. Just needs some more work.