Chasers (RPC-349 Idea)
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
Chasers (RPC-349 Idea)
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» Chasers (RPC-349 Idea)
Crit ordered via Discord DM
Containment Protocols
RPC-349 is to be contained in a 4,000 square foot containment chamber with a ranch style house inside.
"RPC-349 is to be contained in a reinforced containment chamber with an interior resembling a ranch home."
One or more CSD personnel are to be placed within the house every night so that RPC-349 will manifest.
"One or more CSD must be placed within the chamber to cause RPC-349's manifestation"
The CSD personnel housed inside this home is armed with 1 RPC branded pistol to terminate instances of RPC-349 designated RPC-349-1.
I'm a little confused about this part. So first off, what do you mean by "RPC branded"? Another thing, please explain what type of gun, brand and all. One more thing, the sentence doesn't make sense, it sounds like you're saying that RPC-349 is RPC-349-1.
Should RPC-349-1 survive this protocol
Change "protocol" to "termination procedure"
ASF units are to be dispatched to exterminate all instances.
"ASF units armed with flame throwers and incendiary grenades must be dispatched to terminate the instances in question."
If ASF units get overwhelmed they must continue to fend RPC-349 and RPC-349-1 and take shelter in the most cramp space possible.
"If ASF units involved become overwhelmed with the amount of RPC-349 and RPC-349-1 instances manifesting, they must continue terminating as many instances as possible."
What if they can't? Like what if they get so overwhelmed that they end up dying?
2 ASF officers are to be equipped with flame throwers and incendiary grenades.
Delete this sentence if one and add it to the previous one as I did above in the green text.
Description
face resembling the "😐" emoticon.
It would be better if you described it by its name rather than putting the emoji. like this, " face resembling the Neutral Face emoticon."
RPC-349 is extremely pale
Remove "extremely"
These entities manifest on the roofs of houses at night.
These entities usually manifest on tops of houses during an ordinary night cycle
They use this sound
"The RPC-349 instances use this sound"
RPC-349 can easily be terminated via, a magazine worth of M16 bullets,
"RPC-349 can be easily terminated via full magazine of M16 bullets,"
can be troublesome due to how fast they reproduce and how they travel in groups.
"can be troublesome due to the speed in which they reproduce and the groups they tend to travel in."
The way to easily terminate RPC-349 is to be extremely silent.
"An easier method of attempting a termination of RPC-349 is to approach in a silent manner."
This is because RPC-349 is visually impaired and is technically legally blind and relies on sound.
"This method is effective due to RPC-349 instances being visually impaired causing them to become dependant on audio to be alert of its surroundings."
When RPC-349 spots it's victim, RPC-349's face will warp into a demon-like face with two sets of sharp, blade-like teeth and its eyes will be widened, being able to clearly see.
If RPC-349 were to target a victim, its face will morph into a much more demon-like facial expression baring two sets of sharp, blade-like teeth and widened eyes allowing it to be able to view its target clearly."
When RPC-349 is pursuing its victim, RPC-349 will run at speed from 30MPH - 60MPH no matte how cramped the space may be.
"When RPC-349 is pursuing its victim, it will gain speeds from 48.2KMPH - 96.5KMPH despite the size of the room currently present in."
RPC-349 will also attempt to imitate anyone in the subjects house's voice but RPC-349's imitation always has a deeper tone to it or it is distorted.
"RPC-349 will attempt to imitate the voice of a subject within the household but the imitation will always be deeper toned and will have slight distortion."
When RPC-349 catches its victim, it will continue to put the subject designated RPC-349-1A into RPC-349's throat into storage organs labelled "Pouches" for digestion since RPC-349 doesn't have a stomach and digests RPC-349-1A into energy.
"If RPC-349 were to catch its victim, it will proceed with placing the subject designated RPC-349-1A into storage organs within its throat that resemble pouches. These pouches are for digestion since RPC-349 does not have a normal digestive system similar to a human's. RPC-349 will then begin to digest RPC-349-1A into energy."
RPC-349 is able to fit multiple subjects into its pouches at a time due to RPC-349's neck being extremely rubber-like.
Is there a certain amount of subjects that can fit in its pouches?
"RPC-349 is able to fit multiple subjects into its pouches at a time due to RPC-349's neck being constructed of a rubber-like substance which allows its pouches to expand.
RPC-349 is able to dislocate and break each bone in its body with ease and without pain to fit into places like, small crawlspaces, attics and under desks.
"RPC-349 is able to dislocate and break each bone in its body with ease and without pain to be able to travel through smaller areas such as crawlspaces, attics, and underneath desks."
RPC-349 also has a incredible regenerative ability allowing it to regenerate limbs in the same hour it was removed.
"As well has dismembering itself, RPC-349 also has the ability to reassemble its skeletal structure and regenerate its limbs within the same hour it has first been dismembered."
Test Log
Dr. ▇▇▇ places no CSD in RPC-349's chamber and waits until nightfall. As nightfall hits Dr. ▇▇▇ sees RPC-349 crawl on the roof and over to the house's window. RPC-349 can be heard making its echolocation noise. RPC-349 enters the house breaking its bones in the process. The clicking stops after the noise bounces off a dummy. RPC-349 can be seen rushing too the master bedroom where the dummy is placed. 2 minutes later RPC-349 can be seen moping onto the roof and collapses. The next day Dr. ▇▇▇ checks RPC-349's pulse and concludes that RPC-349 starves after a night of no sustenance.
For one night cycle, Dr. █████ replaces all CSD personnel with plastic testing dummies. As nightfall arrives, RPC-349 is seen climbing to the top of the roof emitting its clicking sound. RPC-349 enters the home through a cracked window seal using its dismemberment ability. Multiple surveillance cameras within the home show RPC-349 searching for human subjects. When RPC-349 locates and encounters the test dummies placed in the master bedroom of the home. RPC-349 inspects the test dummies and approximately 2 minutes afterward can be seen crawling to the roof as it begins to let off a sound similar to moping. Once day time occurs, the RPC-349 instance is found lifeless. This test has proven that RPC-349 cannot survive one night-cycle without a valid food source."
Conclusion
Overall I think this is a pretty good idea in my book but I do have something to note that I noticed about this draft. I get the feeling you rushed this article draft, which I can't judge or blame you because I too have done the same thing before, but from what I learned it's best to take your time writing an article to really get a good solid idea and article down. I recommend you take your time writing articles and also remember that all the stuff I have done above to help you is just me recommending what you should change certain sentences to and it's not me forcing you to change a bunch of stuff. I hope you understand what I just said but here is my overall rating for this draft.
Overall 2/5 because of the multiple errors in wording and sentences. One other thing I want to mention is when writing an article, try to keep everything related in one area. What I mean is basically, in one small but detailed paragraph explain what it looks like, in another paragraph explain what it does. Kind of categorized like that because for example, if you talk about its physical appearance then its diet then, later on, explain more of its appearance it seems kind of all over the place in a way. Anyway, I hope this helped you and I hope you continue with this idea because the concept for me is really a good idea and reminds me of SCP-31993199 and SCP-4666 and I really enjoyed visualizing this creature in my head as I read. Good luck with your writing!
"Never expect a compliment from everyone because pleasing everyone is as possible as fitting a cow through the eye of a needle" -[DATA EXPUNGED]
Harold K Caztovski
New Crit ordered via Discord DM
Containment Protocols
RPC-349 can efficiently terminated via
"RPC-349 can efficiently be terminated via"
them to become on audio.
"them to become dependent on audio."
Description
This "mask" piece, this is called the "faceplate" and serves as
"The "mask" piece is called the "faceplate" and serves as"
roofs of houses at night.
"roofs of houses during a normal night cycle."
radar to know the exact
"radar to acknowledge the exact"
This radar becomes less effective the further away that RPC-349 is from the subject,
"This radar becomes less effective as the distance between RPC-349 and the subject increase,"
its face will morph into a more
"its face will transform into a more"
flexibility of the "faceplate" to allow eating. RPC-349
"flexibility of the "faceplate" to allow consumption. RPC-349"
placing prey items
What do you mean by "prey items"?
placing prey items in storage organs
"placing prey items into storage organs"
RPC-349 also have the ability
"RPC-349 also has the ability"
RPC-349 is able to voluntarily and painlessly dislocate and break every bone within its body when needed. This can allow for it to travel in smaller areas that it normally wouldn't be allowed to access. As well as dismembering itself, RPC-349 also have the ability to reassemble their skeletal structure and regenerate their limbs in the same hour.
RPC-349 is capable of dismembering itself when appropriate, with separate body parts continuing to operate in collaboration.
Maybe it's just me, but isn't that last part the same as the previous paragraph or is there something else missing?
Test Logs
NOTE: This entity was accidentally neutralized and can no longer manifest.
I think it would be best to put this in the same paragraph with the test log since the test log seems to be the reason it was accidentally neutralized.
If this test log was really the reason for its termination, then what happened to the other instances if any? From my assumption, I thought there were more than one instance of RPC-349. In the log, it says "Once day time occurs, the RPC-349 instance is found lifeless." instance meaning only 1 so if there are multiple of these things, what happened to them?
Although, if this is not how they were neutralized then I recommend you explain how the neutralization happened and, if possible, why did it happen.
Conclusion
Ok overall again I like this idea, but I think it needs a touch of originality in a way, don't restart the whole thing but try adding something to create a type of story in a way. The best way authors do that kind of stuff is usually through expeditions, discovery logs, interviews, etc. but in this case, I think a discovery log would suit it better especially because yes we know what this is and what it does, but we have no clue where it came from. Some advice I would like to give is basically, go all out with your ideas, don't hold back too much just make sure it makes sense at the end of the day in terms of story building. I give this a 3/5 now because of the fixes you made, but it's still not a 4 or 5 because I think it needs more story. Also, remember to ask questions on the RPC discord if you have any. Otherwise, good luck on your article!
Harold K Caztovski
Crit ordered via Discord DM
Containment Protocols
RPC-349 is to be contained in a reinforced containment chamber with an interior resembling that of a ranch home. One or more CSD subjects must be placed within the containment chamber in order for RPC-349 to manifest. The CSD subject currently residing within the containment chamber, has been armed with 1 P220 pistol, with orders to defend himself. RPC-349 can efficiently be terminated via conventional and heavy weaponry, as well as fire. Despite this, they are often troublesome to fully dispose of due to their speed, the span in which they reproduce in and that instances are almost never encountered alone. Easier methods of terminating RPC-349 include approaching without making noise, owed to their visual impairment which causes them to become dependent on audio.
"RPC-349 is to be contained in a reinforced containment chamber with an interior resembling that of a ranch home. One or more CSD subjects must be placed within the containment chamber in order for RPC-349 to manifest.
The CSD subject currently residing within the containment chamber has been armed with 1 P220 pistol, with orders to defend himself. RPC-349 can efficiently be terminated via conventional and heavy weaponry, as well as fire. Despite this, they are often troublesome to fully dispose of due to their speed, the span in which they reproduce, and that instances are almost never encountered alone. Easier methods of terminating RPC-349 include approaching without making noise, owing to their visual impairment which causes them to become dependent on audio."
It's best that the paragraph be split into 2 so it doesn't look too bulked up
Test Log
Ok, I am still left with the question of how many of these instances are there. In the containment protocols, you said they can reproduce at fast speeds, that's why I am wondering how many there are and how they All died without a chance of reproducing before death, I also assume there are more than one because of the Grouped Hazard component which means anomalies in a group causes anomalous properties to occur. By the way, information on its reproduction should be mentioned in the Description as well since I didn't see that in there unless I missed it, if that's the case let me know.
Conclusion
I think you're on the right track with this but I think it needs some more work, but as it stands I still give it a 3/5 but I still believe it has the potential to be an article on the main page so don't give up. If you need help or want suggestions DM me or message others on the RPC discord for that. Good luck once again author of great value.
~H. Caztovski
Harold K Caztovski
More Crit ordered via Discord DM
Description
countries.RPC-346
Space after the period
Conclusion
I think this draft has come a long way and has definitely improved over time imo. I personally would give this a 5/5. Glad you didn't give up on this idea, Good job!
Harold K Caztovski
I was able to easily visualize some of the aspects of the creature perfectly, but I feel like something needs to be done to make it stand out more differently from all of the other hostile cryptids the Authority has in its containment. Take as much time as you want to write this, but I think this needs some time to be developed before being published to the main site.
RPC-349 is to be contained in a reinforced containment chamber with an interior resembling a ranch home. One or more CSD must be placed within the chamber to cause RPC-349's manifestation. The CSD personnel housed inside this home is armed with 1 P220 pistol to terminate all hatchlings designated RPC-349-1 and all instances of RPC-349. In the event of RPC-349-1 hatching, flamethrowers placed within the containment chamber are to be set off in order to terminate all instances of RPC-349-1 before maturing.
RPC-349 is to be contained in a reinforced containment chamber with an interior resembling that of a ranch home. One or more CSD subjects must be placed within the containment chamber in order for RPC-349 to manifest. The CSD subject currently residing within the containment chamber, has been armed with 1 P220 pistol, with orders to terminate all known RPC-349 and RPC-349-1 entities. In the event of RPC-349-1 hatching, flamethrower traps kept within the containment chamber are to be set off in order to terminate all RPC-349-1 instances before they reach maturity.
Should RPC-349-1 survive this termination procedure, ASF units armed with flame throwers and incendiary grenades must be dispatched to terminate the instances.
Should any RPC-349-1 manage to survive this termination procedure, ASF personnel armed with flamethrowers and incendiary grenades must be dispatches in order to terminate the instances.
RPC-349 is a vaguely humanoid entity that measures approximately 4.5 meters in length and has a neutral facial expression and has the appearance of wearing a mask. This "mask" is called the faceplate, which is apart of the cranium in this entity. RPC-349 is pale and has shown to have a mild case of malnutrition. These entities manifest on the roofs of houses at night. RPC-349 will make a clicking type noise increasing in pitch which is RPC-349's way of echolocation. RPC-349 uses this sound like a radar to know the exact point where every subject in the house is. When the sound hits a subject that is further away from RPC-349 it will have less of an exact location of the subject. The noise RPC-349 produces has been recorded within its containment chamber:
RPC-349 is a group of vaguely humanoid entities that measures approximately 4.5 meters in length, and wears a neutrally expressed mask over its face. This "mask" piece, serves similarly to a faceplate, and is a part of the entity's cranium. RPC-349 is pale and is in a mile case of malnutrition.
RPC-349 will manifest on the roofs of houses at night, and will produce an audible clicking noise that will increase in pitch, as well as serve as a method of echolocation. RPC-349 will use this sound as a radar to know the exact location of all individuals in a house. This radar becomes less effective the further away that RPC-349, it will have less of an exact location of the subject. The noise RPC-349 produces has been recorded within its containment chamber:
RPC-349 is a monotreme entity, a type of mammalian organism capable of producing offspring from eggs. RPC-349's reproduction cycle is very quick and allows the female to lay an egg on the same day. This varies on the health of the female and the egg. The offspring, designated RPC-349-1 matures as well on the same day within a span of 4-6 hours after hatching. These eggs can be destroyed via fire or freezing, other attempts to do so ended in failure.
RPC-349 are monotreme,1 and will reproduce quickly, with females laying eggs on the same day as new instances hatch. The offspring that are designated RPC-349-1, and will quickly grow to full maturity after 4-6 hours. RPC-349's eggs can be destroyed via incineration and freezing, whereas all other attempts to do so have resulted in failure.
RPC-349 can easily be terminated via a full magazine of M16 bullets, a fatal shot from a .50 caliber assault rifle, and fire. Although can be troublesome due to the speed in which they reproduce and the groups they tend to travel in. An easier method of attempting a termination of RPC-349 is to approach in a silent manner. This method is effective due to RPC-349 instances being visually impaired causing them to become dependent on audio to be alert of their surroundings.
RPC-349 can efficiently terminated via conventional and heavy weaponry, as well as fire. Despite this, they are often troublesome to fully dispose of due to their speed, the span in which they reproduce in and that instances are almost never encountered alone. Easier methods of terminating RPC-349 include approaching without making noise, owed to their visual impairment which causes them to become on audio.
I'd put their termination description onto the containment protocols.
If RPC-349 were to target a victim, its face will morph into a much more of a demon-like facial expression baring two sets of sharp, blade-like teeth and widened eyes allowing it to be able to view its target clearly. When RPC-349 is pursuing its victim, it will gain speeds from 48.2KMPH - 96.5KMPH despite the size of the room currently present in. RPC-349 will attempt to imitate the voice of a subject within the household but the imitation will always be deeper toned and will have slight distortion.
Once RPC-349 targets a victim, its face will morph into a more predatory structure, revealing two sets of incisors, and a large set of eyes that grant it full view. RPC-349 will pursue its victims, and has been recorded to reach speeds from 48.2KMPH to 96.5KPMH. RPC-349 will attempt to imitate the voice of its targets when in a household, but these imitations are flawed in that they contain a deep tone, and will have a slight distortion.
If RPC-349 were to catch its victim, it will proceed with placing the subject designated RPC-349-1A into storage organs within its throat that resemble pouches. These pouches are for digestion since RPC-349 does not have a normal digestive system similar to a human's. RPC-349 will then begin to digest RPC-349-1A into energy. RPC-349 is able to fit approximately 4 subjects into its pouches at a time due to RPC-349's neck being constructed of a rubber-like substance which allows its pouches to expand.
Once RPC-349 catches its victims, it will begin effectively collecting and placing prey items in storage organs in its throat that resemble pouches. These pouches are for digestion, since RPC-349's digestive system is not well understood. RPC-349 will then begin turning its victims into energy, and is capable of fitting approximately 4 subjects into its pouches at a time, due to RPC-349's neck being constructed of a rubber-like substance which can allow for them to expand.
RPC-349 is able to dislocate and break each bone in its body with ease and without pain to be able to travel through smaller areas such as crawlspaces, attics, and underneath desks. As well as dismembering itself, RPC-349 also has the ability to reassemble its skeletal structure and regenerate its limbs within the same hour it has first been dismembered.
RPC-349 is able to dislocate and break every bone within its body, showing pain despite the process. This can allow for it to travel in smaller areas that it normally wouldn't be allowed to access. As well as dismembering itself, RPC-349 also have the ability to reassemble their skeletal structure and regenerate their limbs in the same hour.
I think a lot of people will treat it as, and the way I see, it's just a monster that kills you.
Footnotes
1. Monotremes are the only mammals that lay eggs, but they also feed their babies with milk.
RPC-349 is a group of vaguely humanoid entities that measures approximately 4.5 meters in length, and wears a neutrally expressed mask over its face. This "mask" piece, serves similarly to a faceplate, and is a part of the entity's cranium. RPC-349 is pale and is in a mile case of malnutrition.
What do you mean by "neutrally expressed"?
"[…] in length, whose distinguishing feature is a plate of bone that extends from the cranium and covers the face."
How are they supposed to eat? Does the plate break off at the jaw, does it have holes…? Not that they need to make biological sense, but it would make them more plausible creatures.
RPC-349 will manifest on the roofs of houses at night, and will produce an audible clicking noise that will increase in pitch, as well as serve as a method of echolocation. RPC-349 will use this sound as a radar to know the exact location of all individuals in a house. This radar becomes less effective the further away that RPC-349, it will have less of an exact location of the subject.
"RPC-349 instances manifest on the roofs of houses[[footnpte]] Any houses? What about towers, apartments, mansions, etc? Since they manifest over houses, does this mean that large cities have a greater probability of manifesting instances? [[/footnote]] at night, producing a clicking noise that complements their sense of hearing, functioning as a bat-like echolocation sonar. Instances are capable of quickly identifying living beings, taking special preference in human beings"
RPC-349 are monotreme1 and will reproduce quickly, with females laying eggs on the same day as new instances hatch. The offspring that are designated RPC-349-1, and will quickly grow to full maturity after 4-6 hours. RPC-349's eggs can be destroyed via incineration and freezing, whereas all other attempts to do so have resulted in failure.
This should be by the bottom of the article. It being placed here kinda interrupts the general progression/narrative of the article - you describe it appearing on the roof of your house, then talk about it preying on humans, then about how it eats you, which makes for a short "narrative".
Once RPC-349 targets a victim, its face will morph into a more predatory structure
Its face, or the bone plate that's usually neutral? Maybe the plate is entirely plain until it detects you and then the eye and mouth holes appear?
RPC-349 will attempt to imitate the voice of its targets when in a household, but these imitations are flawed in that they contain a deep tone, and will have a slight distortion.
This feels a little generic to me. The trope of "monster that imitates human speech/look but imperfectly" is somewhat tired, and it does not add much to the article in this case.
RPC-349 is able to dislocate and break every bone within its body
I think you should elaborate — maybe say that it voluntarily breaks and dislocates bones when it facilitates hunting?
As well as dismembering itself, RPC-349 also have the ability to reassemble their skeletal structure and regenerate their limbs in the same hour.
Maybe add a paragraph before this that goes something like;
"RPC-349 instances are capable of dismembering themselves when appropiate, with separate body parts continuing to operate in collaboration."
On its current state, I don't think like this article really goes anywhere. The idea of the monster doesn't feel very original (beyond the pretty cool aspect of the faceplate), and the test log feels like it doesn't add anything compelling. However, the genericness of the monster is easily exploitable; how about making the article about a single hostile entity, with all the traits of your horror movie monster that is invincible and will chase you down?
That way, the test log would work as a sort of "Shaggy Dog" anticlimax — meaning, a long, drawn-out narrative that appears to build up to something, but culminates in an entirely inconsequential or purposefully disappointing happening.
Thus, making the article about how terrifying and unstoppable this monster is, going to great lengths to really sell you the fact that it's invincible, and then concluding on it failing to survive a single night without food would make for a fun subversion of the spooky SCP monster trope.
containment protocols:
Both RPC-349 instances must be contained in a reinforced containment chamber with an interior resembling that of a ranch home. One or more CSD subjects must be placed within the containment chamber in order for both RPC-349 instances to manifest.
Wouldn't it be less expensive to just build the same house but outside near the grounds of a site? Or I'm missing something.
The CSD subject currently residing within the containment chamber has been armed with 1 P220 pistol, with orders to defend themselves. RPC-349 instances can efficiently be terminated via food deprivation.
should be changed to
The CSD subject currently residing within the home is to be armed with one (1) SIG Sauer P220 pistol, and is tasked to defend themselves from RPC-349. RPC-349 instances can be efficiently terminated via food deprivation.
description:
RPC-349 is 2 vaguely humanoid entities that measure approximately 4.5 meters in length, and wears a neutrally expressed mask over their face. The "mask" piece is called the "faceplate" and serves as extra protection of the brain and displays the face and is a part of the entity's cranium. RPC-349 is pale and is in a mile case of malnutrition.
This sentence is riddled with grammatical errors. Should be changed to
RPC-349 refers to 2 vaguely humanoid entities that measure approximately 4.5 meters in height. The RPC-349 instances possess a mask-like growth over their face, which displays a neutral expression. The "mask" growth has been dubbed the "faceplate" and serves several functions, namely to act as extra protection of the head and to display facial expressions. This faceplate is an extension of RPC-349's cranium. Said faceplate is also flexible in nature. Both RPC-349 instances are pale and appear to have a mild case of malnutrition.
Both RPC-349 instances manifest on roofs of houses during a normal night cycle. Although they do not have any chance to manifest on towers or skyscrapers. Cities are more likely to have more manifestations than a small town. Both RPC-349 instances produce an audible clicking noise that will increase in pitch, as well as serve as a method of echolocation similar to a bat. RPC-349 will use this sound as a radar to acknowledge the exact location of subjects inside the house. This radar becomes less effective as the distance between the RPC-349 instance and the subject increase, henceforth having less of an exact location of the subject. The noise RPC-349 produces has been recorded within its containment chamber:
How exactly do RPC-349 instances manifest on rooftops? Do they just teleport on there? Should be changed to:
During the hours between 6 PM and 7 AM, RPC-349 instances anomalously manifest on the rooftops of houses. RPC-346 instances do not have any chance to manifest on towers or skyscrapers. Despite this, RPC-346 appear to manifest in urban areas more than rural areas. Both RPC-349 instances produce an audible clicking noise that will increase in pitch, which serves as a method of echolocation similar to that of bats. RPC-349 instances will use said echolocation as a "radar" to pinpoint the exact location of any people (henceforth referred to as the Subject) inside the house. This "radar" becomes less accurate as the distance between the RPC-349 instance and the subject increases. The noise RPC-349 produces has been recorded within its containment area:
Also, I like the sound file you put for RPC-349. Did you make it yourself?
Once the RPC-349 instances target a victim, the face will transform into a more predatory structure, revealing two sets of incisors, and a large set of eyes that grant it a full view of the victim. The flexibility of the "faceplate" allows easy consumption of the victim. RPC-349 instances will pursue their victims and have been recorded to reach speeds from 48.2KMPH to 96.5KMPH. RPC-349 instances will attempt to imitate the voice of their targets when in a household, but these imitations are flawed in that they contain a deep tone, and will have a slight distortion.
should be changed to:
Once an RPC-349 instance has successfully pinpointed the location of the subject, the faceplate of the respective RPC-349 instance will turn into a more intimidating expression, revealing two sets of sharp incisors and a large set of eyes that grant it an estimated 280 degrees of vision. PC-349 instances will then pursue their victims at speeds which have been recorded to range from 48.2KMPH to 96.5KMPH. RPC-349 instances will attempt to mimic the voice of the subject when having gotten inside a household, but said mimicry is flawed in that the voice displays a deep tone, and that it has a slight distortion.
That's all I have for now (online classes). Might add to the crit later, so far it seems "meh". Not too bad, but it doesn't stand out too much either. Might rate 3 stars if it gets on the site.
Good luck!
Some parts of my feedback are more personal nitpicks than others so feel free not to implement anything you disagree with. Any suggested changes I don't explain are probably to improve tone or clarity. I may have been overly specific with a lot of my suggestions so don't think my style of writing is the only way to improve sentences.
Also, I want to explain the difference between "which" and "that" grammatically because you misused that a lot. "That" is used for defining clauses and "which" is used for non-defining clauses, which means that you can always remove a phrase starting with "which" and a sentence will still make sense, but not for a phrase starting with "that".
Example here:
"The tree that grew tall is outside."
If you removed the phrase starting with "that", the sentence would be "the tree" which obviously doesn't work.
Compare that to:
"I sat below the tree outside which grew very tall."
If you removed the phrase starting with "which", the sentence would be "I sat below the tree outside" which works perfectly fine.
The RPC-349 instances each possess a mask-like growth over their faces, which displays a neutral expression.
The "mask" growth has been dubbed the "faceplate" and serves several functions, namely to act as extra protection of the head and to display facial expressions. This faceplate is an extension of RPC-349's cranium. Said faceplate is also flexible in nature.
This section is a bit convoluted and I think you could refine it into something smoother.
During the hours between 6 PM and 7 AM local time, RPC-349 instances anomalously manifest on the rooftops of houses in most countries, but often in urban areas and occasionally in rural ones. RPC-346 instances do not have any chance to manifest on towers or skyscrapers. Despite this, RPC-346 appear to manifest in urban areas more than rural areas.
I feel like "on the rooftops of houses" is a bit non-descriptive. "Houses" could mean a lot of things. I would specify "residential housing" to put a better picture in the reader's head immediately.
Also, "RPC-346 instances do not have any chance to manifest on towers or skyscrapers." is a bit weird wording. The Authority doesn't know the inner-workings of anomalies, only their observations of them. It would be better to say "RPC-346 instances have never been observed to manifest on the rooftops of towers and skyscrapers."
Lastly, I'm not sure "urban" is the right word to use in this section, since most urban housing would be in skyscraper type buildings. I think "suburban" is probably more fitting.
Both RPC-349 instances produce an audible clicking noise that will increase in pitch, which serves as a method of echolocation similar to that of bats.
Nitpick but I feel like "similar to that of bats" is unneeded and overly obvious.
RPC-349 instances will use said echolocation as a "radar" to pinpoint the exact location of any people (henceforth referred to as the Subject) inside the house. This "radar" becomes less accurate as the distance between the RPC-349 instance and the subject target(s) increases.
I don't think you need to be calling it radar. It's not super necessary and I think there's better ways to describe it. Also, this parentheses bit feels out of place and I think it's unnecessary. If it flows well, it will be obvious who "subject" refers to, and I think you can use the word "residents" and "targets" in this case as well when appropriate.
The noise RPC-349 produces has been recorded within its containment area:
It's a bit weird that this line is at the end of the last paragraph. I think it would work fine on its own just above the audio file.
The audio is pretty good. Sounds very believable, definitely that a living thing is making the noise.
Once an RPC-349 instance has successfully pinpointed the location of the subject, the its faceplate of the respective RPC-349 instance will turn morph into a more intimidating expression, revealing two sets of sharp incisors and a large set of eyes that which grant it the entity an estimated 280 degrees of vision.
RPC-349 instances will then pursue their victims at speeds which have been recorded to range from 48.2KMPH to 96.5KMPH.
I think this sentence would benefit a lot from being more to-the-point which would help convey to the reader that sense of speed. Also, I find the KMPH abbreviation a little confusing so I think it's worth expanding it for the sake of ensuring the reader doesn't have to stop and think for a second to figure out what it means. I would do something like this: "RPC-349 instances will then pursue their victims at speeds of up to 100 kilometers per hour."
RPC-349 instances will attempt to mimic the voice of the subject when having gotten inside a household, but said mimicry is flawed in that the voice displays a deep tone, and that it has a slight distortion.
This sentence is fairly wonky and could definitely be rewritten to flow a lot smoother.
Both RPC-349 entities are able to voluntarily and painlessly dislocate and break every bone within their bodies when needed, allowing for access into small and confined spaces. This can allow for them to travel in smaller areas that they normally wouldn't be allowed to access.
I think it's too presumptuous to assume it's painless, and it's more interesting with the implication that we don't know whether or not the creatures are experiencing pain when they do this.
As well as dismembering themselves. Both RPC-349 instances will also have the ability to reassemble their skeletal structure and regenerate their limbs in the same hour. When dismembered, the limbs are able to move independently to reattach themselves to their original host.
This first bit is an incomplete sentence. And it seems weird to mention they can regenerate their limbs if the limbs just reattach themselves anyway, meaning they don't need to be regenerated. I think you could just remove this and add to the previous sentence to something like:
Both RPC-349 entities are able to dislocate and break any bones within their bodies, or to entirely dismember their own limbs, when advantageous, allowing for access into small and confined spaces. RPC-349 possess regenerative properties to reassemble their skeletal structures within an hour. Additionally, dismembered limbs are able to move independently and reattach themselves.
Once either one of the RPC-349 instances has captured at least one victims, it will begin effectively collecting and placing prey into storage organs in its throat that which resemble pouches.
The second part of this sentence is a bit confusing. "placing" makes me think the entity is taking the victims and placing them in a location, like a spider carries prey to its web. You could use a more descriptive word like "inserting" here.
RPC-349 will then begin turning its victims into energy sourced from said victim's suffering.
The idea of a human experience acting as an energy source is pretty abnormal so this definitely needs more of an introduction. Something like "RPC-349 will then begin turning its victims into an energy source fueled entirely by the pain and suffering of said victim."
RPC-349 is capable of fitting approximately 4 5 6 into within its pouches at a time, due to both of RPC-349's necks being constructed composed of a rubber-like substance tissue that which can allow for them to expand.
It is very hard to tell that the 4 is crossed through, because the line overlays with it. You could try do something like this for it to be more clear: 4 5 6
code: --4 5-- 6
Also, I would change "approximately" to "up to a maximum of" because it doesn't make sense for it to be an approximation when the researchers bothered to change this number twice.
The method of consumption followed by the RPC-349 instances is not through consuming the subject's body but instead lives on the suffering of a human.
You already introduced the concept of suffering as an energy source before, so I think you can be more to-the-point here. Like this:
RPC-349 do not seem to require any physical sustenance, instead deriving all of their energy from the suffering of their victims.
1. Human suffering serves as a type of flavor to both RPC-349 instances.
This is a pretty weird footnote. How would the Authority know anything about what flavor is to the entities?
Once the subject is placed into one of the rubbery pouches, an unknown substance with a similar reaction to hydrochloric acid begins to engulf the subject and will begin the torturous process of energy draining from the victim.
The previous sentence is already about the subjects being inside the digestive system so there's no need to repeat it. Also it's a bit weird that the substance is unknown as it should be possible to figure out just from a sample. But I think it would be more interesting if it wasn't an unknown substance, and was just normal stomach acid, because it has a creepy factor of the anomaly having what seems like normal digestive systems but used for a completely distorted purpose. Here's a way you could go about it:
Their digestive systems make use of gastric acid and digestive enzymes which begin to engulf the subjects and dissolve their skin and tissue, purely for the torturous purpose of energy-draining, as there is no intestinal system by which the digested material would actually be absorbed into the body.
Once the RPC-349 instances are satisfied, they will begin to vomit the blob-like remains of the victims, hereby later designated RPC-349-1.
Further research study has led researchers to the conclusion that RPC-349-1 instances still possess sentience although cannot speak or move but are still able to feel physical touch. These instances have been described as made up of melted flesh, organs, and covered in RPC-349's digestive acid.
The way that this sentence is phrased, it describes them based on what human characteristics still remain, but I think it would be much more interesting if it was a description of what characteristics were lost. Obviously they'd lose a lot of sensory ability and much of their body mass, but the fact that their spiritual energy was drained by the creatures should be very evident; maybe the victims still resemble their former selves but have lost huge elements of their personhood which are more than could be explained as a PTSD response.
Both RPC-349 instances had first grabbed the attention of the Authority drawn the Authority's attention after reports were received of multiple civilians have who had gone missing in the town of Potsdam, Germany.
During a nighttime investigation, MST units encountered 1 one of the 2 two RPC-349 instances for the first time. According to the members present that day, it The entity had captured 4 four MST personnel, and firing at the creature seemed to be ineffective. After 5 five nights of containment attempts on the RPC-349 instances, during the 6th sixth night, both RPC-349 instances were captured and contained at Site-███ for further research.
I think a lot of the text here describes redundant information that can be removed. Also, is it totally reasonable that four MST personnel would get captured by this thing? That seems far fetched that so many MST personnel would be captured so easily. If you were to keep that, you'd definitely need to give more information about the events between the personnel and the entity that allowed the entity to consume them, and the entity would have to be dangerous as fuck, rather than the personnel just being kind of incompetent.
Maybe it's just personal preference but I find small numbers as digits like this rather than full words to make it confusing to read. Generally I would use the full word for any number less then about twelve unless there's a specific reason using a number digit makes more sense.
I think there was one other time that you used number digits when I think words would be better but I didn't bother to mention it then.
For one-night cycle, Dr. █████ replaces all CSD personnel with plastic testing dummies in the ranch home with only 1 RPC-349 instance.
I'm confused by what "one-night cycle" means. Would it work to just say "For one night," instead? Also how do they have the RPC-349 entity captured? I assumed that it always demanifested/disappeared after manifesting on a roof and devouring the residents. The word "manifest" gave me the mental image of these things fading into and out of existence, which I think was not what you intended. You should change that to make it clear that these things are flying around and can be captured reliably.
As nightfall arrives, the RPC-349 instance is seen climbing to the top of the roof emitting its clicking sound.
You should add a comma after "roof".
RPC-349 enters the home through a cracked window seal using its dismemberment ability.
I'm confused by what "cracked window seal" means. The word "cracked" puts the image of glass in my head, but the word "seal" makes me think of rubber insulation around the sides of the window. So is it the glass that's cracked or is the lining around the window cracked? Maybe just remove the word "seal" and that would fix it.
When the instance locates and encounters the test dummies placed in the master bedroom of the home,. Tthe entity inspects the test dummies briefly and approximately 2 minutes afterward, can be seen crawling to the roof as it begins to let off a sound similar to moping.
Incomplete sentences fix.
Add a comma here before "can be seen".
Once daytime occurred, the RPC-349 instance was found lifeless. This test has proven that the RPC-349 instances cannot survive one night-cycle without a valid food source. The remaining RPC-349 instance was then returned to its original containment after testing had been concluded.
The first half of the log was in present tense but you randomly switch to past tense here. It should be consistent.
I think this log would work better if it was split up into segments, the first being the preparations made by the personnel, second being the event log description of what occurred, and the third being the researcher notes and observations.
Also it's unrealistic for a researcher to state that a single experiment proves something. A better word would be "suggests".
I'm unsure about what exactly occurred here. Did the entity die and now there's only one? That's confusing because the entire first parts of the article state that there are two entities, not that there were two entities. Since the article is classified as neutralized, you could definitely use past tense for the description and it would still flow well and might make more sense.
After reading to the end of the article, I'm confused by how the containment protocols work. Why would putting CSDs in this specific location trigger the entities to manifest there rather than anywhere else on the planet? It doesn't seem like there's any way of predicting or affecting the location of manifestation based on the description. This could be an interesting
/forum/t-13974271/chasers-rpc-349-idea#post-