This is my first and oldest draft I made. It is a rewritten version of my original idea when I first converted all my stuff from SCP to RPC. Any help and critique would be good. I'm willing to add or change things to make it better.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/draft-2
Harold K Caztovski
RPC-508 must be redirected around the location.
What location? The fence?
RPC-508-2 instances must be avoided at all cost,
You should add a period.
It is unknown where the city originated from and when it was built. No information on the construction of RPC-508 has been found within the location.
Couldn't the Authority just hire an archeologist to make a good estimation of when it was built?
discovery that the substance highly radioactive.
…discovery that the substance is highly radioactive
Skin contact will cause the person touching RPC-508-1 to be infected with radiation 1 minute after physical contact is made with the substance
Say "Physical contact of any instance of RPC-508-1 will cause the subject to be infected with ARS (Acute Radiation Sickness)."
high levels of voltage and will become paralyzed for approximately 10 minutes.
say "…high levels of voltage causing RPC-508-2 to become paralyzed for approximately 10 minutes.'
As of now the Authority has only encountered an instance of RPC-508-2 and has not contained one successfully due to its hostility towards armed containment personnel. The Authority has only encountered 10 instances of RPC-508-2.
replace the first sentence with the second and say "The Authority has encountered 10 instances of RPC-508-2 and has no way of containing it due to its hostility towards Authority personnel."
CSD-8977: Hmm… I don't wanna go in there please don't make me go in…
Dr. L████: 8977 please, I need you to calm down. Slowly go in and look for what's making the sounds.
you forgot to separate these
I really like the expedition logs immaculate
3/5.
Where there is a choice of two evils, I choose both.
As of now the Authority has only encountered an instance of RPC-508-2 and has not contained one successfully due to its hostility towards armed containment personnel. The Authority has only encountered 10 instances of RPC-508-2.
Change to "As of to date, the Authority has only encountered 10 instances of RPC-508-2, but have been unable to contain any, due to their hostility towards armed containment personnel."
"Daymond Otel'"
Get rid of the '
(CSD-9938 is provided with a full-body protective suit and a camera in order for Dr. L████ to note down all findings within RPC-508)
Dr. L████: CSD-9938 have you equipped your protective suit?
Might just be a fault on my part, but I wasn't sure if these two should be that close or not.
Dr. L████: 8977 you won't be able to be given your daily meal if you continue with this.
Sentence reads weird.
in the fetal position
in a fetal position
Overall, I think that this is an interesting and good idea, exploring an abandoned city, but I need more. This whole thing is an entirely abandoned city, and all we're given is a few expedition logs. Do more lore into the city, give hints to why it was abandoned, what those things are, does anyone remember it etc.
Vehicles found within RPC-506 are completely undamaged with the exception of RPC-506-1 stained on various vehicles, a majority of these vehicles are manufactured by the same company2 while other few vehicles remain brandless.
"Vehicles found within RPC-506 are in pristine condition, save for numerous stains of RPC-506-1. A majority of them has been manufactured by a single company, while the remaining ones remain brandless."
It is unknown where the city originated from
This is weird to say for a city, given that they are usually static.
noted to have the ability and strength to disassemble the human skeletal system by hand.
What does this mean? Is it capable of ripping bones of a human?
The head researcher of RPC-506, Dr. K████████, has stated that the Authority will eventually send in MST units armed with high voltage stun weapons in order to paralyze RPC-506-2 instances for the containment of at least 3 instances of RPC-506-2 for research and testing.
This is the first mention of there being several instances. The description should make that clear.
CSD-9938: I took one off so I could flip through pages easier.
It's hard to believe 9938 would be this stupid. Most humans are deeply aware of the nature of acids/radioactive hazards, at least sufficiently so to understand that taking off protective gear is probably a bad idea.
While the component parts of a mystery are present, they don't build to anything — the discrepancies between real history and the history of the anomaly and the lack of any writing in paper are fairly common tropes in horror (especially referring to the anomalous)1 that don't form a coherent whole.
There's monsters, alternate history, blank paper, and weird sludge everywhere but no clue as to how all of these are related, what happened to this place. Not saying that you should just expose the entire complete history of Pyelknom, just that there should be something to clue at the greater whole from these smaller pieces of things that feel wrong. For example; what if instead of all pages being blank, we found that most writing has been scribbled over and that signs have been destroyed or vandalized? That way we'd guess that there was something wrong with the writing and the inhabitants of the town got rid of it for some reason. What if certain buildings were boarded up and locked, especially those near big concentrations of -1? That way we'd know that everyone tried to undergo quarantine.
There are other, smaller issues with the article, but first I think that the above should be addressed. While it isn't wrong to have weird things happen just because, it's more satisfying and enjoyable when it feels like this isn't the case and the whole feels thematically and causally consistent.
If an encounter with RPC-506-2 were to occur, the subject must keep a distance of 6m between them and the RPC-568-2 instance.
RPC-506 acquire possess identical signs reading "Welcome to Pyelknom".
The buildings within RPC-506 are constructed of multiple types of stone such as Granite, Limestone, Travertine, and Andesite.
Does this include the glass portions? The chapel you have pictured has normal glass windows, and I would say molten and reformed sand is different from typical rocks.
Physical contact of any instance of RPC-506-1 will cause the subject to be infected with ARS
Immediately or over time? its not specified and I think that makes a difference. Not to mention, if anybody touches these things and gets radiation poisoning wouldn't that make the surrounding area radioactive? If it doesn't that should be mentioned.
Dr. L████: As far as we know, no there isn't, but keep an eye out for any.
CSD-9938: So there's a chance of me dying?
Dr. L████: Well… Yes of course, why do you think we need to send you in instead of a normal researcher. If it was safe to explore I would be the one in there.
CSD-9938: Well I guess that makes sense.
This whole moment in the logs makes no sense. Why does the CSD jump to the idea of it being dangerous just due to other living things being there? Why does the researcher answer so honestly instead of avoiding the answer to keep them calm? WHY DOES THE CSD JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THEY COULD DIE????
CSD-9938: Hey doc what's this stuff?
Dr. L████: I see you have found some RPC-506-1. Just try to avoid it as much as possible, even if you are fully protected it's best not to risk anything.
Did they tell this guy nothing about RPC-506??? they just dropped him in and went "yeah go find some papers paper-finder" If you want to have him forget what it was that's fine, but don't have the doctor introduce him to it as he finds it. I mean what if he ripped off a chunk of the stuff before asking what it was?
Dr. L████: Blank papers? Where exactly are you looking?
CSD-9938: In the filing cabinet of course, did you think I was looking in the printer or something?
Dr. L████: No just curious is all.
This is a bit confusing but more annoyingly written. why would the doctor ask where he's looking? He literally has a camera attached to him showing the doctor where he's looking! Maybe have the doctor ask him what drawer he's looking in or something more specific that wouldn't have been caught by the camera. I also don't like the CSD getting annoyed with the doctor and then their mute response. I'd change the final line to "I'm just confused as to why every page in a filing cabinet would be blank!" or something along those lines.
CSD-9938: I love the smell of rain, it's such a unique smell.
Dr. L████: Yea yea me too, anyways, you see that post office over there? The one next to the alleyway, that has got to have at least something inside that's worth recording.
If you're gonna have the two of them make small talk or have the CSD just say something don't have the doctor acknowledge it only to sweep it under immediately.
Dr. L████: Ok that's enough, 9938 come back to the pick retrieval zone so our agents can pick you up. If all these documents are gonna be blank there's no point in continuing.
CSD-9938: Ok doc, I'm on my way.
Please, it's the retrieval zone. I'm not even gonna say anything else
CSD-8977: I heard, like, I #ffd500|a## loud crash.
Dr. L████: Do me a favor and go look for what made the sound.
CSD-8977: What? Seriously? But, but what if it's some monster thing?
Dr. L████: That's the point 8977. We need to know about everything inside of RPC-506, deadly or not you have to go look for it.
CSD-8977: Hmmm… Ok then…
IS THIS GUY A HYPNOTIST OR SOME SHIT?????? He should try to assuage their fears not just tell them to do it AND THEY SHOULDN'T JUST BE FINE WITH HIM TELLING THEM TO DO IT ANYWAYS!!!!
Dr. L████: 8977 you won't be able to receive your daily meal if you keep stalling.
Ok, thanks STALIN. Jesus Christ this guy is an asshole
Try to fix up your dialogue, that's your biggest issue in this for sure. Otherwise your article's looking good minus a few minor edits
All entrances to RPC-506 must be redirected around RPC-506
Reduce redundancy by saying "redirected around the anomaly."
All personnel, usually CSD, entering RPC-506 must wear a full-body protective suit covering all skin and armed with a taser.
I feel as if mentioning that it is CSD can be trimmed out since it says all personnel enter regardless
Welcome to Pyelknom
Purely aesthetic choice, but have this be in Russian and a footnote translating it
Granite, Limestone, Travertine, Andesite
correct all of these to be in lowercase
a large chapel, among other structures
and a large chapel…
explained in Expedition 506.3
seen in Expedition 506.3
while the remaining ones remain brandless
remaining ones lack branding labels
It is unknown when RPC-506 was built but the Authority has estimated the final year it ran as an ordinary city was in the earlier to mid-50s
I believe this is a more formal sentence "It is unknown when RPC-506 was built, however the Authority estimates that the city was non-anomalous until the mid-1950s."
help please.
Capitalize h
A good concept, but my issue is that it doesn't do anything too interesting with it. I agree with Almarduk, add more mystery elements to it because there is some interesting unknown elements of the city but nothing worth caring about really happens with it.
While reading, I got very strong STALKER Shadow of Chernobyl vibes which may have been what you were going for. If you weren't that's ok, but if you were, go full throttle with those desolation, hopelessness, survivalist and alternate history vibes that are present within the STALKER series. I would also like to see what you could try with those documents which could really add to the world building. If you write them and want to keep the mystery vibes, make them damaged and illegible at certain points to not give everything away.
Overall, 3/5 for a neat concept that fails to do anything unique with it, but has a lot of potential.
RPC-506-2 instances must be avoided at all cost.
costs
RPC-506 is a designation given to an abandoned city found in the Krasnoyarsk province in Russia.
Krasnoyarsk is a Krai, its official name being Krasnoyarsk Krai.
A majority of buildings in RPC-506 are completely boarded up in an attempt to fulfill city-wide quarantine from RPC-506-1.
With so many information missing and lost, you just cannot say for certain of the intent of these actions, this is, at best, only an educated guess.
RPC-506 is made up of several skyscrapers, a residential area, a city park in the center, 2 private schools, a city hall, a courthouse, and a large chapel, among other structures.
You don’t just come across skyscrapers in a random city off in the middle of Siberia, in the 50s. The weather is challenging, the infrastructure is lacking, you will have to sink a lot of money into building up a large city. From everything that you’ve written out, Pyelknom shows no signs of economic or any sort of significance within the Soviet Union. Of course doing so would have been “veil-breaking” but that is no excuse for the contradictory.
And just what do you mean “Private school” in a Communist State? This could have implied some sort of history since the Russian Empire but is then contradicted by the fact that this city Was known to the USSR and was specifically chosen to carried out the test.
Multiple vehicles are of the brand Moskvitch in the issued years of 1951, 1955, 1948, and 1950.
Please list them out Chronologically.
Researchers have made the discovery that the substance is highly radioactive although it does not cause the area around it to be radioactive.
“, although”, that or you move “although” to the very beginning of the sentence. Alternatively, use a different conjunction such as “yet”, “even though”, “however”, etc.
Physical contact of any instance of RPC-506-1
contact with
will cause the subject to be infected with ARS4 immediately when contact is made.
ARS isn’t some sort of virus that you can just ‘infect’ someone with
“will result in Acute Radiation Sickness immediately upon contact.”
RPC-506-2 is identified as a slender humanoid entity with dry, rotted, human-like skin and appendages that reach down to its knees.
rotten
Rephrase the first and second sentence in the paragraph to instead refer to RPC-506-2 as a designation for a group of entities instead of a single humanoid like it is currently presenting.
3 of the 5 expeditionists had been infected with radiation sickness after undergoing symptoms such as nausea, headache, and fatigue.
Again, ARS isn’t infectious like a virus is infectious. The symptoms is not a result of “contracting” radiation sickness, the symptoms themselves IS the sickness itself.
“3 of the 5 expeditionists had been afflicted with radiation sickness, suffering from symptoms such as nausea, headache, and fatigue.”
The discovery itself also presents very strange implications: So if the Authority is able to find these 5 idiots wandering off into an anomaly this must mean that they have assets nearby, then why did they never discover the anomaly itself.
The event (combined with the description RPC-506-1) precludes the possibility of them leaving Pyelknom on their own, meaning someone must have discovered them. Perhaps you were suggesting that civilians discovered them, the mentioning of a Hospital seems to support in, but then that would mean Pyelknom is near a major city in Krasnoyarsk, then the question goes back to “Why wasn’t RPC-506 discovered earlier?”
and a flag of the RSSR(Russian Soviet Socialist Republic.)
Russian Soviet Federative Socialist Republic
According to the portraits Premier Nikita Krushchev was the last leader before RPC-506 became abandoned.
Nikita Khrushchev
This narrows down the years of abandonment to be between 1953 and 1955.
This also made no sense, Khrushchev became First Secretary of the Soviet Union in 1953, but he didn’t took the role of Premier until 1958.
The Premier between 1953 and 1955 is Georgy Malenkov.
CSD-9904: (showing the camera) No, the only dates here are June 22nd, 1941, and May 9th, 1945
Weird for him to just handwaved away two of the most significant dates in his country. Unless he wasn’t Russian, in that case Why Isn’t He.
That doesn't make any sense… There was no religion in the Soviet Union.
That’s just flat-out wrong. Yes, the Soviet government propagates atheism, but religion Never died out in the USSR. Orthodoxy became heavily repressed and practitioners were prosecuted but religions like Islam arguably gained more freedom for practice.
CSD-9904: Maybe it's just been abandoned since all places of worship had been closed?
Dr. L████: Perhaps, but all places of worship were destroyed after Russia became the USSR.
This is also wrong, churches and mosques were demolished but definitely continued to persist. And with the banning of religious practices in a public setting, these places of worship became the designated areas for one to practice their religion.
the city has gone abandoned due to an explosion out the Nuclear Power Plant
an explosion in
nuclear power plant
The Expeditions
Several aspects within the section call into question of the competency and planning of the exploration of RPC-506.
First, now this could have just been me, but throughout the 4 logs, it appears as though Dr. L was entirely reliant on the CSD to have any clear understanding of the city, specifically the mapping of the city, where L have the CSDs go towards wherever they were looking at. Combined with the designations of these expeditions, this indicates that the Authority does not have a clear mapping of the city.
Why Not? I understand when you have to use humans to explore the buildings themselves but why couldn’t you have drones to get a clear map of the city first? Problems with the ionizing radiation affection equipment would not be a problem because as you have stated, -1 instances aren’t radioactive.
And then there is the question of these people themselves, despite knowing the threat of RPC-506-2 since Expedition 2 Dr. L willfully sends these CSDs to their deaths (Yet he was supposed to be a caring fellow?). And it’s not like putting people in is difficult, going by the way you described it ASF units pretty much surrounds the perimeter of the city, you have extraction teams too, he could have very well send a unit in, it would have been much more efficient and those people would have been more adequately trained to handle hostiles. And even if ASFs doesn’t work you could have send in MSTs into Pyelknom.
The documents
Your decision to present these supposedly written-on-paper top-secrets in a terminal-style format is a poor choice in my opinion
Prime Minister Khrushchev
Khrushchev never held the role of “Prime Minister”, nor was “Prime Minister” an officially recognized role of leadership within the Soviet Union.
seeing how immune they are to radiation and a range of different weapons.
Never was it mentioned in the Description that these entities are supposedly immune to weapons, which could only presumed to be firearms given the context of a “war with US”
I really love “Russian Anomalous City”, which is why I’m going to come out of retirement just to crit this. Unfortunately, this summary won’t be short.
You attempted to create a big mystery surrounding this city and all I see is an article layered with contradictions after contradictions.
Starting off with Pyelknom itself, you have explorations, document recovery, yet after all is said we learn absolutely Nothing about the city, not its history, all we get is the history of the elusive “Radiation Immunity Project” that came at the very end of the article as if we still doesn’t have more mysteries to solve. There were certainly interesting allusions and implications as to whatever happened in Pyelknom but they might as well be me thinking too hard on it. And I can’t see the rationale of connecting it to Chernobyl for any other reasons than a cheap shot at invoking reactions through and irl event. Why are there private properties? Why are there churches? Why are there skyscrapers off in the middle of nowhere as if it was supposed to be a significant city erased from the world? Why is there a nuclear power plant? To carry out radiation experiments? Why would you use a power station instead of an actual facility designed to test out radiation-related experiments with how important the project would have been? Again, layers of contradictions.
That goes for the rest of the instances. What is RPC-506-1? Why was the experiment originally carry out in a city that has absolutely nothing to do with nuclear technology until 20 years later? Are you trying to imply Chernobyl is destined to happen and anomalous? So on and so forth. Times when you explains the the things it worked, such as the case of RPC-506-2, but that has its own problems too, specifically the “enjoying the destruction of confidential material”. You used that to justify a lack of information within the city yet all you do is shifting the blame to another subject. Why do they like doing that? “Oh, they just like to do it, God knows, it’s all anomalies” is a really bad excuse for convenience.
You also squandered the potential of the CSDs, there is literally no reasons not to reuse them, especially CSD-9904, you do good by separating their topics in conversations but you could have entirely avoided that repetitiveness by making 9904 and 9147 the same person. Not only will you be able to skip the introduction, you can build upon the relationship of him and L, however limited it is, Talking about having pizza for dinner, next mission he’s dead, there is regret and sadness, that could even be the motivation in Addendum 506-B to capture -2s if you also merge L and K together.
The potential impact of the documents were also greatly reduced by the fact that you have continuously spoiled the information contained within since the very first paragraph of the article. “Oh apparently they are trying to develop secret weapons”, insert Document of “We are trying to develop secret weapons”, “Oh apparently they destroy secret stuff”, insert Document of “They are destroy secret stuff”, it’s repetitive, you get the point. Reveals are supposed to shed light on mystery, not repeat what’s been said.
And there goes my misgivings with your article, I have a few more ideas for the article but it’s starting to go beyond critiquing. All I can say is that this article is very disappointing considering the subject matter. A few of these mistakes could have been fixed right away with some research off on Google. The 270 million volts thing is especially frustrating but you've fixed it before I finished my crit, a silver lining I suppose.
