First tab.
I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."
First tab.
I pronounce "pineapples" like I do "Minneapolis."
Eva Nereida Velazquez (1994–????)
Kelly Evangelina Connors (????–2020)
to
Eva Nereida Velazquez (1994–20XX)
Kelly Evangelina Connors (19XX–2020)
Reason: If you know the century you keep those numbers
-anomalous art pieces to anonymous buyers and wiring the funds across offshore accounts.
to
-anomalous art pieces to anonymous buyers, wiring the profits across offshore accounts outside our range of influence.
Reason: Flows better.
Profits are made money, funds are spending money.
Specifies why offshore accounts are worth mentioning.
-----------------
With him later stating in his report that she showed prodigious investigation skills, the Division Commander of MST Sierra-8 considered her recruitment and value as an asset.
to
With him later stating in his report that she showed prodigious investigation skills.
Division Commander of MST Sierra-8 marked her as an asset, and a valued addition to the MST.
Reason: Flows better, not a run on sentence.
Recruitment and value are not assets, she's the asset.
You don't consider someone as an asset, they either are or are not.
Suggestion: Go into more detail here, like how she proved herself.
-----------------—-
One such case being that Nucrop Industries has been supplying weapons, funding and guerilla-
to
One such case being that Nucorp Industries has been supplying weapons, funding and guerilla-
Reason: Misspelling
The Authority turned a blind eye upon this act as Nucorp Industries was dealing in a relative accordance with the Anomalous Accords and that they had agreed to share a large sum of the profits off of their work with the Authority.
to
The Authority ignored Nucorp Industries dealings, on account they did not outside of the Anomalous Accords, and had dealings with the Authority at the time.
Reason: This is a RPC account of the events, they wouldn't use the term "Turn a Blind Eye" for crimes outside their jurisdiction.
Sounds more professional.
-as they believed her actions were fueled by her young hormones.
to
-as they believed her actions were fueled by her adolescent hormones.
Reason: Medical Tone
-both Kelly Connors and Inv. Jensen Sacheverell behaved positively, as proven by their ankle monitor positioning data.
to
-both Kelly Connors and Inv. Jensen Sacheverell behaved positively, and no discrepancies appeared in their ankle monitor positioning data.
Reason: Medical Tone
There were no new information came to light regarding the situation in Nucorp Industries, or what comes of-
to
There were no new information that came to light regarding the situation in Nucorp Industries, or what came of-
Reason: Grammar
-with one account stating that the evidences presented by Inv. Kelly Connors were deemed invalid.
to
-with one account stating that the evidences presented by Inv. Kelly Connors were deemed invalid unjustly.
Reason: Makes more of a narrative sense. The status quo is, she was wrong. So a theory against should be pro Kelly Connors, otherwise you're just repeating information.
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-behavior throughout the rest of her career and later lost interest in the case altogether.
to
-behavior throughout the rest of her career and lost interest in the case altogether.
Reason: Better flow, we already know it's later by the use of "Rest of her Career".
-round the Czech news stations was a mythological creature named "Kikimora."
to
-round the Czech news stations was a mythological creature named "Kikimora".
Reason: Correct Grammar
-but had such wrought havoc upon the Czech Republic.
or
-and had such, wrought havoc upon the Czech Republic unintentionally.
Reason: Better grammar, and makes more narrative sense.
Over all thoughts: It sounds good, but I feel like it's missing more character development.
Give more reasons for why she does the things she does, instead of her
doing them. Other then needing more of a set up, the pay off is
interesting.
Rating: 4/5 (Make more whys and not ands, and it'll be a 5/5)
-hide
Change to "- Hide" for the psychiatry log.
[scraping of wood against parquet]
[Scarping of wood against parquet.]
Change all first words in brackets to having capital letters.
Damian: van der Berg.
Capitalise the 'v'
However, a substantial memetic activity
Get rid of the 'a'.
were all declared sunk.
were declared to have sunken.
I do believe that this is good, however I think that there's some Lore Stuff you might want to check with other people if you haven't done that already, particularly with the head of the Authority's universe's Nucorp being involved with dark dealings. I think the last couple of interview logs had some weird dialogue, but nevertheless I find this an interesting personnel dossier.
I enjoyed the characterisation.
Blue = Grammar/Punctuation
Red = Wording/Clinical Tone
Yellow = Commentary/Suggestions
File photo, 01/01/2020. I don't like how easy it is to see that the image is fake. It's quite off-putting, and I suggest either finding a replacement or removing the image entirely.
Salma and Marcos Velazquez have been on the Authority watchlist since early 1992, where as they were suspected of brokering potentially anomalous art pieces to anonymous buyers, wiring the profits across offshore accounts outside our the Authority's range of influence. The Authority referring to itself with words like "we", "our", etc. is a bit non-clinical to me, though this is probably just a pet peeve of mine.
The speculation was later confirmed in on ██/██/1997 where when the Velazquez Residence was ransacked by unknown assailants and with an Authority cleanup crew recovering anomalous art pieces deemed too unstable to maintain normalcy.
However, there were no signs of Salma and Marcos Velazquez ever present in the residence during the incident.
Kelly Connors then lived a sheltered life with her adoptive parents and younger step-sister until in her late teenage years, where in which Inv. Nathan Keller, an MST Sierra-8 Investigator, had recovered Kelly Connors during a homicide investigation in ██/██/2013. So are we just gonna brush over the fact that she was recovered during a homicide investigation? What's the context here?
After her recovery, Kelly Connors was given a choice to either go in a be brought into foster care, or return to her biological parents.
On 17/06/2013, Kelly Connors undertook the standard 3-month Authority Induction; Physical, Mental and Cognitive Examination; Remove semicolon, replace with comma and the Sierra-8 Proficiency Test.
Interviewer: Physical and Mental Wellness Examinator Dr. Genevieve Varghast, Psy.D Psy. D
I find the surname "Varghast" kind of silly. It sounds like the surname of a stereotypical evil Nazi general.
Dr. Varghast: Have you ever go gone out of state?
Cdt. Inv. Connors: Well, ah… [Pause] Maybe I'm interested in how you, uh… do your business. Things like this always fascinates fascinate me.
Dr. Varghast: If you have any doubts, there's still a chance to back out. This won't be anything like getting a job at the local deli; you'll be here for life—and you'd be most likely to risk your life everyday.
This left Kelly Connors mentor-less with a temporary replacement only available in about three weeks away from his reassignment.
However, The Board terminated their partnership when Nathan Keller received the order to accompany RPC-480 in its test as a possible asset for the Sierra-8 on ██/██/████.
Damian: Two hundred now Add comma thirteen hundred tomorrow.
Col. Ryan O'Connor disallowed her to further investigate Mr. van der Berg and his company while the evidences are were being reviewed.
The Authority promptly ignored Nucorp Industries Industries' dealings, on account they did not operate outside the limits of the Anomalous Accords, and had dealings with the Authority at the time.
Inv. Connors: [Sighs]
Dr. Varghast: How're you feeling?
Inv. Connors: [Pauses, then sighs] I don't know.
This dialogue is kinda weird to me. She sighs, and then sighs again mere seconds later? It sort of reads like a parody of a drama.
Inv. Connors: They… they traffic humans… [Sniffles] They picked pick children off the streets or buy them from the internet like some kinda goddamn furniture.
Inv. Connors: What the fuck does is that even supposed to mean? It's evil. There's no justice in it.
[Pause Pauses, then sniffles] God, why am I even telling you this? I don't even know if I can trust you.
Inv. Connors: You wanna know what I think? What I feel? Well, I think that every single limp-dick chickenshit bureaucrats out there are is making things all harder for every fucking one of us 'cause they can't keep their mouth mouths shut and their dicks in their pants—and we ain't doin' shit about it!
Inv. Connors: [Sobbing] People… are killing each other out there… all for money, fame, power—with victims becoming mere statistic statistics… and they expect me to just sit and watch?!
There were was no new information that came to light regarding the situation in Nucorp Industries, or what came of the investigation. Rumors emerged that the Authority had simply swept the matter under the rug—with one account stating that the evidences presented by Inv. Kelly Connors were deemed unjustly unjust.
Inv. Keller's suspicion was later confirmed when an Authority Surveying Aircraft flying over the city detected a heightened number amount of memetic activity across the country.
The Division Commander authorized him to let him work alongside the Special Investigator, as long as he agrees agreed to receive a 2-week suspension upon his return.
During the post-operation interviews, Inv. Kelly Connors, Inv. Nathan Keller and the Authority's Czech branch personnel all denied having any involvement with the Syndicate.
Officer Sumner: [Sits down, rustling of rustles paper] MST SIerra-8 Sierra-8 "Sundowners" Senior Lieutenant Investigator Nathan Harris Keller was your mentor before you were assigned to the Cartage department, am I correct?
Inv. Connors: [Silence] Why even put this here if she isn't saying anything in this line? It isn't even a pause before a sentence, it's just silence.
Officer Sumner: [Door closes Closes door]
ANV Lacrime di Maddalena was set to sail from the Port of Naples to the Authority's Indian Ocean Fleet Repair and Resupply Facility located in Perth, Australia.
I really liked the characterisation in this article. You really did well at portraying Kelly as someone a bit too young to work for the Authority, and as someone who wants to be some hero working for a cool secret organization while not having a grasp on the true scope of it all. I also liked how she died rather un-heroically in a random anomalous event.
Something I didn't like was how every time you mentioned Eva/Kelly, you referred to her by her first and last names. This cluttered up the article a bit, and I suggest changing some parts to either just Eva/Kelly or just Valazquez/Connors. There are also a lot of instances in the article where the text switches to present tense, then back to past tense. In addition, the Specter of Pelhrimov part of the article was slow to get through and fairly boring.
Also, this is a first: I find myself to be agreeing with what Excer said. You should change the "-hide" in the collapsibles to "- Hide" or just remove the word "hide" entirely.
Overall, this article was fairly enjoyable apart from the Specter of Pelhrimov part. I'd give this 3 stars in its current state, 4 if you fixed it up.
If you have any questions about my criticisms/suggestions, please message me on Discord. Who knows, I might have gotten something wrong.
blabbo