Ok doing another thread of this because i have fundamentally changed so much of the story that a new thread is needed.
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/jomike
its under the tab "Fleeting Friendships"
the tale is about a research team travelling to china to jointly research with the PCAAO when things go awry, hope you like it.
-that this new generation of PCAAO personnel he and his team we're about to liaise with we're also ready to change.
to
-that this new generation of PCAAO personnel, he and his team we're about to liaise with, we're also ready to change.
Reason: Better flow
-and explained to them their purpose. "Are you RPC Authority Research Team?"
to
-and explained to them their purpose. "Are you the RPC Authority Research Team?"
Reason: Better flow, ignore if English was meant to be bad. If it is bad English, state it.
-their agency patches signifyed their allegiance.
or
-their agency patches signified their allegiance.
Reason: Correct grammar
We wanted to be careful about who exactly possessed the information, several of our enemies would have been informed of our discovery such that we could not risk their involvement in this matter.
to
[Needs a rewrite]
Reason: Unsure here of who's involvement he's referring to, but I presume it's the "enemies" and not the various agencies. None the less, this segment needs to be more specific in what it's stating.
"This is barely big enough for a dormitory?"
to
"This is barely bigger than a dormitory?"
Reason: Dormitory is a room, not an object.
Research personnel must not enter into any other allotted lab besides their own" The general stared down the group.
to
Research personnel must not enter into any other allotted lab besides their own." The general stared down the group.
Reason: End of a sentence
The group rushed toward it, there they found on top of it a mummified corpse, wrapped in cloth.
to
The group rushed toward the slab. There they found on top of it, a mummified corpse, wrapped in cloth.
Reason: More specific, better flow
Overview: Regarding dialogue, it's captivating. I find the characters interesting, with well thought out personalities and defining traits. Descriptive segments need a tune-up. Even skipping ahead for descriptive segments, I'd commonly pick up on nonspecific wording.
Suggestion: I'd recommend giving all nondialogue segments a comb-over and work on wonky wording and vague descriptions.
General Opinion: Not bad 4/5 (better descriptive segments and it'll be a solid 5/5)
Thank you very much, each piece of your commentary has been implemented. I appreciate that you like the story, I hope it will be one of the PCAAO's defining ones.
Okay, starting out, you have A LOT of run on sentences. It's fine to have one or two or even 3 commas in a sentence and thats pushing it, but that's only in certain contexts. You're just mashing clauses together like you're playing word spud.
"Peace", he thought, that is why he was here, why he labored on this long journey.
You need to always put quotations around any kind of speech, be it thoughts or actual spoken words.
He knows it is not a steady peace, the other party involved is not exactly consistent with their promises of cooperation, yet he does consider how their mere invitation to this place already signifies how serious they are about this agreement.
I'm gonna be real with you, this sounds really stupid and pretentious. It's like you're attempting to write something with elegance but you just sound like billybob reciting shakespeare
There had not been a joint Authority PCAAO collaborative research operation since before China's cultural revolution, and to have one right on Chinese soil nonetheless, was simply unheard of.
You already have an independent clause and dependent clause in this sentence, (marked in red and gold) so you need to stop this sentence and start another one.
Honestly, after the beginning which was rather rough, It looks pretty good, your dialogue is real natural, and it flows well.
They might not know we we're coming at this hour
were
they came across several personell from another agency invited by the Committee
personnel
I take it your from the Ministry of Paranormality, yes?
you're
Our mission is to explore it's chambers
was barely three thousand square feet at it's base
its
Tomlinson and his team we're forced back into the main chamber
Eventually, all injuries we're treated
were
we had testimony and documented accounts of people who entered the cave where nothing of the sort happened
we have testimonies
Can you at least ensure that it wont happen again?
won't
Dr. Fueng Bowed his head
bowed
I grew up like most kids whose parents we're important to the state
were
"Oh believe me, disclosure of the anomalous at an early age is a top priority for the PCAAO. If you start something as a child, you'll have a much better innate understanding of the subject."
Given that Mae is Chinese, I wouldn't expect her to use the English-based name of "PCAAO" instead of a more familiar "Committee" instead.
standing on it's hind legs,
holding up it's fur
its
there we're no booby traps huh?
were
they began to see the corpse in it's entirety
its
They could not believe they we're fooled like this,
If those symbols we're still viable after all those years,
were
We have a critically desiccated body with paranormal markings all over it's body and clothes
its
but in that moment.
at
General Tung and his men we're blown to another chamber within the cave,
as we're his colleagues, who we're gathering around him.
were
(All of them)
his side arm smoking.
sidearm
who we're still unconscious. They we're roused quickly and told of the situation.
were
They ducked behind wooden palettes setup several meters from the entrance.
they
set up
I don't think Tung ordered the whole facility to turn on anyone whose not PCAAO yet
who's
"Oh shit, Eric, we gotta get him." Emma Realizesd
realized.
but we gotta get one more whose still recovering from the first time the cave wind thing happened.
who's
Zachary payed her no mind
paid
doing little to stop it's momentum
its
Anatolis team were there to greet them
Anatoli's
each day that they we're here
were
—
Correction to my prior statement: I didn't accounted for the code that would be displayed and so "——" was displayed wrongly
Use "----" to produce a horizontal line like this
All instance of "Doctor Fueng", "Dr. Fueng" or any other derivatives of the two
As have said previously, Chinese surnames are placed first, making "Gu Fueng"'s surname "Gu", and thus "Doctor Gu", "Dr. Fueng".
This is unless the name have been written in western style, which places "Fueng" as the surname, in which case change prior instances of "Doctor Gu", "Dr. Fueng" to "Doctor Fueng", "Dr. Fueng". In this scenario I would also suggest that you write his name as "Fueng Gu" instead.
All instance of "General Tung"
As have said previously, Chinese surnames are placed first, making "Pai Tung"'s surname "Pai", and thus "General Pai".
This is unless the name have been written in western style, which places "Tung" as the surname, in which case ignore what I've said, but I would still suggest that you write his name as "Tung Pai" instead.
"As for you, you are hereby demoted, and reassigned to Qiguai Ren Prison."
As I have already previously nit-picked the shit out of the article previously already, I will now instead focus my autism into the name 'Qiguai Ren Prison'. (Apologies in advance)
It gave me cold sweat to think I could have missed something like this in my original crit, thankfully that wasn't the case.
No, "Qiguai Ren" as a term made no sense whatsoever, not in English and not in Chinese. In it's most literal form it means "Strange Person", at a more 'interpreted (less literal?)' way in means "weirdo", and while I expected some sort of demeaning/derogatory terms for anomalous individuals, using a barely grammatically correct term is absurd, and so contradictory when they could've very well lumped them (magic-users) in with "anomalies", which is a term they very much use.
Throughout all mentionings you consistently referred to it as a prison for "witches and sorcerers". The term that refers to "those who utilizes Thuamaturgy/Magic" is a "Thaumaturgist/Thaumatruge", or "Qishu Shi". Older terms that describes such is either "Fangshi" or "Daoshi", these terms would probably not be used however as a way for China to distance themselves from terms that is rooted in superstitions.
To be honest though "Guangzhong Prison" makes a lot more sense as a facility name then Goddamn "Qiguai Ren Prison", though since you have a regional commander within Western China you shouldn't have given it a name that's basically of a coastal province in Southern China but I don't exactly have a better name for the location. (At least not one that would fit the current naming scheme that is) so I guess it's up to you then.
what it is that the personnel they sent we're killed over
all of them we're found to be human.
were
Zhang carefully thoght over the testimony
thought
Its a shame I had to discipline Tung
It's
but its no matter,
it's
Suggest Change: but no matter,
Fueng snapped at the thought of his daughter's fate in Zhangs hands.
Zhang's
Ok Thank you Spambot, and thank you once again TTPY, each of your critiques have been implemented to their fullest extent which i was capable of. I think I'm finally ready to move on with publishing, couldn't have done it with out yall, thanks.
