RPC-XXX: The Whistle
http://rpcsandbox.wikidot.com/donnyfox-3
I apologize for the spam and how much I've been putting out today. With this one, I'm curious how I can improve upon this given it's my first RPC article.
RPC-XXX: The Whistle
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» RPC-XXX: The Whistle
Summary:
A trench whistle that allows its user to lives its family's past battles.
Pretty simple and clean, this one
RPX XX is to be held inside a safe at Site-15 within a standard Alpha-class storage room within the ██████ Sector.
I'd shorten this down to "standard Alpha-class storage locker in the ██████ Sector at Site-15."
XX’s containment is to be periodically inspected in case of possible theft. Researchers assigned to XX are allowed to use XX as a way to experience events generated by XX provided they have completed their tasks for the day. Dr. ██████ is to keep a list of approved Authority personnel allowed to use XX for their personal use on the condition that they leave either an audio or written log of their experiences during any instances of XX.
The first sentence here is absolutely pointless. Anything anomalous put in a storage locker would be checked to make sure they weren't stolen. The second two are a bit unprofessional. I'd put, "Level-1 or above Researchers are allowed to use RPC-XX for testing purposes, with all experiences being logged in RPC-XX's Experiment logs. At the allowance of Head Researcher ██████, Protection and Containment personnel are also allowed to use RPC-XX during their off-hours, with their experiences being logged as well." or something along those lines.
RPC-XX is a World War One trench whistle made by the ██████ Company which carries its inscription on its front alongside the year "1917".
forgive me for my lack of knowledge about WWI Trench Whistles but what would 'Its inscription" be? Genuine question, I don't know if this is something that makes sense to somebody who has a whistle in this case.
Upon going into this comatose state, the individual will immediately enter a state of REM sleep, causing them to enter a dream state where wherein they will "relive" battles from their ancestors' past
You don't enter a dream state in REM Sleep. REM Sleep is the dream state. If you still want to mention that they are having a dream, I'd mention REM sleep is the stage in sleep where dreams occur in your footnote
Upon waking up from this comatose state, individuals will report having knowledge they did not have previously.
I'd be more specific about this, stating the types of information a person could receive, from maybe learning a dead language their ancestor spoke or combat knowledge (which you mention in the experiment logs)
Following this ambush, SSgt. ██████ would use this whistle as a means to communicate with his squadmates as a means of communication.
What cretin, what absolute fucking incompetent idiotic fool would ever in their entire fucking life use a goddamn whistle that puts you in a (admittedly short) coma every time you use it to constantly communicate with their fucking squadmates???
CSD-122193 would entered a comatose state and received a concussion following a fall upon hard tile.
Make sure to use past tense with these testing logs. This is in all of the testing bits and I'm not gonna cover all of them because making the same point like 7 times is just ridiculous.
Okay so just an overall criticism. This is honestly a pretty good article but you really need to expand and experiment with the testing logs a bit more. Some of the results are pretty interesting like the holocaust denier reliving life in a death camp and such but you're working with thousands of battles, known, unknown, real and fictional. This idea has so much potential for memories and knowledge gained and you're not even scratching the surface!
- The RPC, OC and HT need to be each separated by a line.
- Prioritize replacing all omitted information with actual content, the censorship doesn't make the article any more interesting.
- RPC-XX causes the individual using it to go into a comatose state for as little as 30 seconds to as long as two minutes.
RPC-XX causes the individual using it to enter a comatose state for a period of 30 to 120 seconds.
- Upon going into this comatose state, the individual will experience a dream sequence
Upon going into this comatose state, the individual will enter a dream state
- Upon waking up from this state, individuals will report having knowledge they did not previously possess. The attained expertise varies from one experience to another, examples including languages spoken and skill proficiencies of the subject's ancestor.
Upon waking up from this comatose state, individuals will report having knowledge they did not have previously such as new technical or linguistic abilities.
- I am unsure what you wanted to say here. Is it that the SSgt.'s file contained his explanation of what had happened?
Following the ambush, SSgt. ██████'s would file an after action report in which he described
- Redundant to mention anyone else who was exposed, since it was only the SSgt. Unless the article for some reason does not mention other members of his squad trying to use the whistle, that is.
amnesticize SSgt. ██████ alongside anyone else who was exposed to the effects of XX
- MST X-Ray-6 would create a counternarrative explaining the events as multiple traumatic brain injuries in one spot from an Improvised Explosive Device attack.
- Actually, wait, why would they even need to amnesticize people if this can just be explained with the SSgt. hallucinating the whole ordeal from being knocked out by the explosive?
MST X-Ray Six would create a counter narrative explaining the events as multiple traumatic brain injuries in one spot from an Improvised Explosive Device attack.
- This actually got a chuckle out of me, good on you.
CSD-122193 entered a comatose state and received a concussion following a fall upon hard tile.
- insisted on using the whistle
insisted to use the whistle
- Diaz reported attaining knowledge on how to operate a Browning 1919 machine gun, conducting guerilla ambush tactics, a greater understanding of Tagalog, and new ways to prepare Tilapia.
Diaz reported knowledge on how to operate a Browning 1919 machine gun, a new found knowledge of guerilla ambush tactics, a greater understanding of Tagalog, and new ways to prepare Tilapia.
- This one is a bit stupid. Depression would have to been attained from the ancestor developing it, and this opens an entire can of worms of the subjects being able to gain mental problems and emotions from the whistle. I am also unsure whether U.S. soldiers at the time knew Cherokee, or whether there were indians fighting indians at Wounded Knee for him to learn the language of the ancestor.
and would develop depression from this dream. DeWitt reported new found knowledge of the Cherokee language. DeWitt also reported a sudden interest in lever action rifles.
- Same issue with the above depression. You need to specify that people can develop mental issues as a result from experiencing these things earlier in the article.
killed by ISIL militants and would develop PTSD from this experience.
- Wouldn't it make more sense that he got a heart attack after he awoke, and then explained what happened after/as he is getting treated?
…immediately entered into a state of cardiac arrest…
…He reported being stabbed in the dream before going into cardiac arrest.
Cool read.
The way it was attained was a bit awkwardly explained and the article is plagued by the black bars, but other than that it's a neat article. Although, it feels like there could have been an interesting spin or utilization of its properties, like the Authority trying to find information they have lost in the Auctoritas period or accidentally stumbling upon something interesting or dangerous.
Imagine the horror when they realize that the user's ancestor died by viewing an infectious memetic, which got reactivated after the subject viewing it from his pa's POV.
All in all, good job on this.
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